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Return From the Black Lagoon

Matthew Richardson Columns, Lawyer 22 Comments


Truthfully, when some dudes from Minnesota who write a law firm marketing advice blog emailed me and told me they bought Bitter Lawyer and wanted me to come back, I thought it was a prank. I was like umm “have you actually read my column—not too much practical advice for the upstanding lawyer.” But I was intrigued (they offered me money), so I emailed them back.


They insisted people wanna know what Matthew Richardson has been doing and they forwarded me some emails from adoring fans and some hate mail from people who wish I caught syphilis and died. Sorry fellas, syphilis is easily curable these days…or so I’ve heard. I respect all you hard working saps who have lived vicariously through my lecherous behavior and I would love to let you keep doing that. I mean, who wouldn’t? But there’s just one problem. I’m not that guy any more.

When Bitter Lawyer disappeared, it hit me hard. I had gotten to the point where I was acting like a scumbag just so I could share those stories. Once my outlet disappeared, I started thinking maybe there was no point in being an asshole!

I looked myself right in the mirror and said, “Matthew, they’ve moved on. You have to do the same. Move on, mature…grow up!” No more womanizing, drinking, doing blow, treating the firm tab like my personal piggybank. So I resolved to straighten out. I spend the last year making amends with colleagues that I had screwed over and started rehabilitating my image at the firm. I started really working my ass off for once in my life. I even stayed in on the weekends. I started being kind to my underlings—I mean—assistants and lowly 1st years. Believe it or not, I even got a relatively stellar review. On a personal level, I stopped banging pigs and whores and I got back together with my on-again, off-again girlfriend. I realized I should cherish anyone that could tolerate my boorish behavior. So I took the plunge, I took her to Paris where I proposed marriage beneath the Eiffel tower. I am now looking forward to our destination wedding in Santa Barbara next year.

And if you believed anything I just said, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Seriously, it’s been the same old shit for me. Pulling the same old shennanigans since those bitches at Bitter Lawyer packed their tents. I will say it has gotten a lot harder because people are getting moved down in BigLaw like soldiers getting off those little boats at the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. You’re probably thinking “how did Richardson survive?” Come on, you guys know me better than that. I’m a survivor, a cockroach. Although, I must admit, I did cut back a little bit. Like for example, one of my favorite pastimes: the old afternoon double feature has been cut down to an afternoon feature. And I rarely ever hit up the firm tab for drinks anymore…granted summer is around the corner, so that may just be a product of circumstance. When it comes to women, I’m still a single lawyer who wishes he was a banker but thanks god he’s not an accountant—or worse, a teacher. I’m still getting my fair share of poon and I’ve got plenty of stories stockpiled for you guys since we last spoke.

So, since this is my first column back, I figured I would just shake off the rust, crack open a bottle of Johnny Black that I have stashed in my office and say hello.

Even though this site may be under new management, nothing has changed between you guys and me. I promise to be the same unethical and amoral cretin that I’ve always been. And you promise to be whatever it is that you are.

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  • Craig

    Nice to have the blog back. Always can count on at least a couple of good laughs out of Richardson. Glad to see you are getting paid for it now.

  • Carmen

    welcome back!!!

  • Guest

    Great to see you guys are back! I can’t wait for new episodes of Living the Dream!

  • Juris Depravis

    FINALLY! I was getting tired of coke binges and whore buffets by myself!

  • Quadoz

    First thing is first SIRS! Clear all this goddamn spam off of the comments sections. There’s like 800 messages on every story and it’s all spam trying to sell shoes! LF10 isn’t here so they’re wasting their time trying to sell Prada knockoffs!

    Good to see you guys back.

    • Sam Glover

      I think Aaron has RSI from doing this. Cleaning house was the first thing he did to get the site back online.

    • http://bitterempire.com/ Aaron Street

      Q-

      Thanks for noticing. I spent a good part of the past couple of weeks manually deleting over 100,000 spam comments that had accumulated on the old site. We’ve got our fingers crossed, but the spam problem should be permanently resolved.

      The problems with Matt Richardson’s ethics are unlikely to ever be resolved…

  • jess Garvey

    Thank god I don’t have to be bored at work anymore! By the way you work at my firm…totally caught.

  • P-Nut

    So you’re exciting new content is just an announcement that the site and Richardson are back? Way to get me all amped up over nothing. I guess I’ll try back later when you actually have some new content, and not just announcements that new content might be coming sometime in the future.

    Also, Richardson, it’s spelled Johnnie, not Johnny, you ignorant cow. Someone who actually kept a bottle in their desk at work would have seen it enough times to get it right. Someone who simply wants to sound like more of a rebel than they are would probably mess it up though. Of course, if you were actually a hard-drinking tail-chasing lawyer playboy, you wouldn’t be drinking a shit scotch like Johnnie Black anyways.

    Hopefully your real content is better than this. I’d hate to have Bitter Lawyer back only to be a repository for Tucker Max fan fiction.

    • http://bitterempire.com/ Aaron Street

      Wow. One day in and we’re already failing to meet expectations…

  • Patricia

    hahaha! even the disclaimer for comments is funny.

  • Guano Dubango

    This is very good.

    I still am employed, but in search of a fertile legal scholar who is nubile and interested in moving back to the Veldt with me.

    I learned that the website is back up and running, so I will stake my claim to the first attractive nubile female willing to bear me 3 issue.

    If there are suitable females, please to step forward. But caveat, I do not want to interview any water buffalo, even if fertile.

  • MeanPartner

    God, its like walking back into a bar I used to frequent. Same people, same bar stools……minus those awful spammers…..Where’s Alma? Where’s LF10? What happened to Carson? Where’s my watch?

    Are you ever going to send one of your most alluring writers to a bar to chat up associates and publish harmless insider dope on law firms?

    • http://www.constitutionaldaily.com BL1Y

      It looks like LF10 and Ex-Bitter will also be back.

      • http://bitterempire.com/ Sam Glover

        And so they will!

  • Alma Federer

    I too have learned about the revival of the website. And I am a year older, and perhaps a year wiser. I have had a boyfriend this year, but jettisoned him once I found out he was simultaneously hooking up with an assistant at his firm. I think the only way to be sure your BF is true to you is to have him live with you full time, but I found that I cannot stand to be around a guy more than 2x a week. I also found out I do not want men to nuzzle around me about 2 weeks each month. So I do not think I will have a steady BF unless he feels the same way as I do at the same time I do. Right now, I am in a new public sector job that I like, and hope to stay for a while. I applaud Bitter Lawyer for starting up the site, but I wish some of the perennial schleps would go somewhere else.

    • ChickLitigator

      Oh dear. Alma’s back too.

      • MagicCircleJerk

        Don’t worry, I’m back too to crap all over her comments

  • HotLawStudent

    Thank [insert deity here]! I was so sick of reading Above the Law.

  • Bill Dugan

    Alma, I thought of you when I read this.

    ‘Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?

    A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out! ‘

  • zhizhuxia

    I too have learned about the revival of the website. And I am a year older, and perhaps a year wiser. I have had a boyfriend this year, but jettisoned him once I found out he was simultaneously hooking up with an assistant at his firm. I think the only way to be sure your BF is true to you is to have him live with you full time, but I found that I cannot stand to be around a guy more than 2x a week. I also found out I do not want men to nuzzle around me about 2 weeks each month. So I do not think I will have a steady BF unless he feels the same way as I do at the same time I do. Right now, I am in a new public sector job that I like, and hope to stay for a while. I applaud Bitter Lawyer for starting up the site, but I wish some of the perennial schleps would go somewhere else

  • Bitter Overseas

    Happy the site’s back. Good luck and thanks for the entertainment.