Return of The Tool

Rather than redacting, I’m listening to a Hippie temp tell me that we could win the war in Afghanistan by encouraging the farmers to grow pot, when the Tool walks into the room.

The Tool hovers over us.

“You sure you know to redact only personal information?”

“I thought we were redacting everything but the personal information,” I say.

A look of panic creeps across the Tool’s face.

“I’m just kidding. Relax. Breath.”

I’m pretty sure it’s the first time the Tool has heard a joke, and it doesn’t seem to be going well. He looks like that frozen 1L, the first guy to get called on who just completely lost it. The one who went mute. Or worse, the one who couldn’t stop babbling gibberish.

There’s one like him in every law firm. All of the other associates hate him, but because he’s so dense, so completely and utterly BigLaw, he doesn’t know that he is despised. The goofy tax lawyer who plays D&D in his spare time dreams about c*ck-punching him. The secretary who organizes birthday parties complete with homemade cookies wishes he’d drop dead. Even the partners worry that he’s a tool.

He is first-team All-Big Firm, and there is no room for humor on that squad.

The Tool turns on his heels and beats a hasty, if stubborn, retreat.

“I think he wants you to show him some respect,” the Hippie temp tells me, his voice sounding not unlike Tommy Chong’s, if Tommy Chong were from rural Mississippi.

“You’re probably right,” I say. “So, tell me more about this Afghanistan plan. What’s it called?”

“Bombs into buds, man.”

Temper(a)mental is written by a real legal temp. He has a license and a law degree. We checked. He’ll continue to post his “thoughts” in between doing “your work.”

  • Anonymous

    I’m pretty sure all my temps are high

  • Anonymous

    I always imagined The Tool as more of a trowel and less of a hammer

  • Self Employed (HA – SUCKERS)

    I am highly amused. It is great to hear about someone delicately (or not so delicately) jabbing one of these beasts. I am happily working for myself (none of those hideous cubes for me…it is all leather and real wood and WINDOWS for me) but I was in law school with the same loser tool. And it sucked. He kissed the back end of every professor and visiting lecturer. He read the footnotes a month in advance. He made me want to drink (MORE). Okay the last part was okay.
    Anyway, point is, Temp and your Hemp-Temp buddy, I feel your pain. I actually still feel your pain since some of these losers decided to opt out of BIGLAW to be a District Attorney (so they can go BIG and then POLITIBIG) and they wreak humorless hard-on -for-crime havoc on my days. Not only that, but the bastards actually think they are the next coming of a supreme court justice.
    God I hate those jerks.

  • Temp Lover

    Down with the Tool. Viva la Temp!

  • Anonymous

    There are either high or drunk!

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