Richardson's Beef With Occupy Wall Street

Matthew Richardson Columns, Lawyer 15 Comments

Occupy Wall Street. I like it. In theory. Except for the “Occupy” part. Seems very passive, maybe there are some other things they can be doing other than hula-hooping and playing crappy folk music, right? Being a corporate lawyer who basically sucks from the teat of Wall Street, I’m tempted not to bite the hand that feeds me, so instead of actually joining those hippy losers, I decided to post a list of some fairly notable protests and how they would translate down to Wall Street. Maybe the protesters could use some of these pointers.

Tiananmen Square, 1989

A mass of at least 1 million people, mostly students seeking democratic reform, had peacefully occupied Beijing’s Tiananmen Square for seven weeks when the Chinese military out of nowhere rolled in to clear them out. And by clear them out I mean kill them—with tanks. At least several hundred protesters were killed in the city, drawing harsh criticism from the international community. Pretty sure NYC cops watched this on Youtube a bunch of times before they decided to pepper spray innocent women. Doubtful it will ever get that bad, but maybe a few hippies “cleared out” might be just what this protest needs.

The Storming of the Bastille

On July 14, 1789, hundreds of Parisians descended on the Bastille, beheaded its governor and overtook the prison. This act has come to symbolize the entire French Revolution and indeed was a major catalyst to the 10-year-long rebellion against the crown. So, even the French had a spine, once upon a time–once upon a long time ago. I’m definitely not advocating this at all, but if one were to behead a CEO, who would you pick? Jamie Dimon or Lloyd Blankfien? I’m partial to a bald dome when considering which CEO to behead. Not that I would ever advocate for that.

The Protestant Reformation

The Reformation began with a simple gesture: Martin Luther nailing to the door of a German church a treatise on the abuses of Catholicism, in 1517. However, the movement that followed would ultimately spill blood, destroy empires, and change the world. Hmmm, a treatise of abuses, where would we even start? I hope the $150 dinner budget they give us for summer associates isn’t on there. Maybe one of the protesters should nail a copy of “Too Big To Fail” onto Bernanke’s door? Or just print out Occupy Wall Street’s twitter feed? Ideally, this protest ends the corporate oligarchy without the bloodshed.

Boston Tea Party

Nothing like the right-wing nut jobs that exist today, this Tea party was actually a legitimate reaction to harsh new British taxation acts. More than 100 colonists secretly boarded three British ships arriving in harbor and dumped 45 tons of tea into the water. The unorthodox protest was one of the key moments that built momentum for the American Revolution. Hmm, maybe Occupy Wall Streeters could sneak onto the trading floor dressed like those dipshits and dump out all their trade tickets to confuse the hell out of them? “Oh crap, I can’t artificially inflate gas prices and drive small companies out of business because their shipping costs are too high if I can’t find my damn trading stub.”

March on Washington

Martin Luther King’s historic “I Have a Dream” speech was delivered during this August 1963 rally to promote racial equality in the United States. More than 200,000 demonstrators gathered peacefully at the Lincoln Memorial in D.C. The event is credited with pressuring President John F. Kennedy to draw up firm civil rights legislation. Don’t you wish our generation had a Martin Luther King and a catchphrase that inspired us? Oh wait, that was supposed to be Obama and “Yes we Can.” Bummer.


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  • Handsome Avocat

    These BL columns are getting worse by the day. I miss BL 1.0

    • Guano Dubango

      You must learn to roll with the punches, as they say. Matthew is my man, but he is at his best game when he relates his personal stories with women.

      There is a guy who made a movie about his escapades with the ladies, and Matthew is close to him in my book.

      If I pattern my life after these 2 gentlemen, hopefully I will get similar results with the top of the hoof, as they say.

  • Michelle Beth

    One more — The 1968 Democratic Convention riots in Chicago. Don’t mess with the Chicago PD.

  • MagicCircleJerk

    WTF do you care? These maggots are protesting the engine that feeds me. I hope the cops clear them out sooner rather than later

    • Michelle Beth

      Hey, ShitLawJerk – Why are you so upset? Some dude pissed in your Wheaties and told you it was milk? Please sit down and take your medication.

      • Guano Dubango

        Michelle Beth,

        You are hardly the feminine flower bona fide men like me are looking for.

        • Michelle Beth

          Thank God !!!!

      • MagicCircleJerk

        Shitlaw? nah, sorry Ruby Tuesday waitress. it’s called biglaw in MFH. my medication is my quarter of a million salary. you go get your xanax.

  • Mark David Blum, Esq.

    and the boston tea party protest, and the boston massacre protest, and the civil rights protests and the vietnam war protests and the tea party protests. protest works; it’s the american way

  • evil lawyer

    The pitifully small Occupy crowds are simply unemployed, whiners and losers. The only smart people there are the homeless people getting free food, the young guys getting Protest Sex, and pickpockets in a target rich environment.

    And Guano I completely agree about Michelle Beth: she sounds like the kind of “I’m more of a man than you are” woman that would be passed over even by a group of sex starved Marines.

    • Guano Dubango

      I hear you, brother!

      In my country, adult women who utilize two first names are usually the unmarried ones that look like, and carry the odour of, the water buffalo.

      Under no circumstances should a sane man even think to peek under their dashiki’s.

      • Michelle Beth

        I already told you I have ZERO interest in you. Do you have no shame?
        Fantasize on Ellen or Alma or someone else. You are only good enough for water buffaloes from your country, and you stink just the same.

        • Guano Dubango

          You misunderstand my comments.

          I have no interest in women with 2 names, whether in my country or here in the US.

          You have essentially proved my point.

          To be clear, I seek ONLY smart and good looking female law graduates who are demure and capable of bearing me issue. In all likelihood, other than the fact that you may possess a JD, you may not in fact satisfy any of the other enumerated requirements.

          I will therefore leave you as available and eligible forage for other males who do not possess the stated requisites and have the intestinal (and nasal) fortitude to peek under your dashiki.

  • TexJudge

    In Texas we know what to do with whiny losers like these: we stake them to the ground near a fire ant nest.

  • southern bitter

    i thought you were hot until you started publishing all this liberal propaganda.