Sorry I wasn’t able to get the recap to you all on time, but I believe in waiting for commitment before going all the way with the Fantasy Suite episode.
It’s all been leading up to this, friends. Boring Ben will get to bed not one but THREE ladies this week, all in the beautiful setting of Jamaica–actually, a resort that looks like any generic tropical resort and is pretty far removed from any cities or people, but Ben keeps reminding us he’s in Jamaica, so: he gets to date them all in Jamaica. Ben reminds us of the names and stories of the 3 women in question. Caila has Disney Princess hair, but can she open up to Ben? Lauren is the last Lauren standing, but can she tell Ben she loves him? And JoJo’s brothers were dubious about the depth of Ben’s commitment to their sister after only a month, which is, in the logic of this show, DEEPLY UNFAIR and BASICALLY EVIL, so can he forget their recriminations long enough to seduce their sister? Tonight, we’ll find out.
Ben’s first date is with Caila. They go rafting down a river but Caila is distracted by the fact that Ben is going to bang two other women in Jamaica. Ben’s peeved that Caila is awkward and hesitant.
(This is when I realize that they are at the Sandals “Royal Plantation,” and I just take a minute to walk away from the TV because I just can’t.)
That night, Caila comes clean about feeling awkward about him having two other girls here. She also tells him she loves him, which he responds to by kissing her, which is NOT HOW YOU RESPOND TO SOMEONE TELLING YOU THEY LOVE YOU. I need to walk away from the TV again. They watch fireworks going off and then go to the Fantasy Suite where we get a few shots of them making out with fireworks in the background (metaphor!) and close the door to the Fantasy Suite.
In the morning, Jamaica is pretty! There’s cows! Caila is supremely confident in her relationship with Ben now that they’ve done it.
I guess they did it. Caila and the show seem to strongly imply that they did it. I’m sorry I’m saying “did it” like a teenager, this is a family blog.
Caila waves to him cutely as he heads off to go on a date with Lauren.
Ben is pretty effusive in his praise of Lauren, I actually feel sort of bad for Caila. The date with Lauren “means a little more,” per Ben, who I hope has at least brushed his teeth in between dates. With the guidance of a cheerful “good looking” (again, per Ben) British dude they help baby sea turtles be hatched and go to the sea.
Is…is this a metaphor? This show has LAYERS!
That night, they go to a reggae concert. Lauren’s date is so much better than Caila’s, it’s actually sort of rude! Even the Fantasy Suite that they of course choose to go to is nicer than Caila’s. In the Fantasy Suite, Lauren tells Ben she loves him. Instead of kissing her, he tells her he loves her, too. Ben, you should not have slept with Caila. You are a jerk, Boring Ben.
We are treated to shots of both Ben and Lauren’s clothes on the floor and Ben bringing breakfast in bed. Lauren says it’s like “waking up next to my boyfriend,” and Ben leaves to go have sex with another chick. This show!
JoJo is the final date. I’m fond of JoJo even though she has a dog’s name.
Their date is flying over Jamaica in a helicopter and going to a waterfall and swimming. Again, Caila’s date was terrible. JoJo and Ben declare their mutual love. In his interview, Ben says he has to get comfortable with the idea that he loves both Lauren AND JoJo. Ben, you should really not have slept with Caila.
JoJo’s mean and totally correct brothers are still weighing on Ben’s mind, but he talks these worries out with JoJo and they spend the night. In the morning, Ben wanders around while his voiceover tells us he loves Lauren and JoJo, but not Caila. Cut to Caila confidently blathering about how in love she and Ben are and how he’s totally gonna marry her. Oh Caila.
Caila and her fantastic hair show up to Ben’s suite unannounced while he’s sitting outside thinking about how he doesn’t love her. Ouch! He tells her he’s in love with two other women who are not her. She does not kick him into the ocean, as I might have done, whilst shouting “THEN WHY DID WE DO IT YOU JERKASS,” but after he puts her in the goodbye Escalade, she hops back out to ask when he knew he didn’t love her.
His response is basically: “I didn’t know. I wanted to bang you least until I had banged the other two,” and then he wanders off to cry. In the car, Caila says she was ready to get engaged and become Mrs. Boring Ben. “My purpose in life is to love other people, and I don’t know why I haven’t found that yet.”
I know why, Caila! It’s because you’re 24 years old!
Ben tells us that he now has two true loves. The women arrive for the Rose Ceremony.
JoJo tells Harrison about her date and how great it was and how she told Ben she loved him and he reciprocated. Harrison manages to maintain something of a straight face when Lauren tells him the exact same thing.
As the women start to wonder where Caila is, Ben arrives and tells them he already destroyed Caila’s heart. They both get roses, and the show continues to play up the “he loves them both” angle.
Next week, the women tell all! Who’s more deranged, Lace or Olivia? Is Jubilee the most unlovable person in the world, or the most lovable and totally qualified to be bachelorette? And what of all the other Laurens?? I’m on the edge of my seat. I hope there’s a slap fight.