Tonight is the “Women Tell All” episode of “The Bachelor,” aka one more week we have to pretend that Boring Ben is irresistible to women. This is also the part of the show where I have to try to remember who all of these women are, and also there are a lot of Laurens. Too many Laurens.
We open with Harrison and Boring Ben breaking into strangers’ homes while they watch “The Bachelor,” because apparently every Bachelor viewing party leaves their doors conveniently unlocked just in case Harrison and that season’s star wants to swing by. Harrison is clearly scouting these parties for future dating opportunities, while at least one married woman expresses her desire to leave her husband for Ben. The enduring power of love, everyone!
We get a refresher of the drama this season involving Lace, Jubilee, Leah, and Olivia, and head right into it. I am sad to note that weird dentist Mandi isn’t there. She could’ve brought some more levity with her. Instead all the goofiness has to fall on chicken enthusiast Tiara who has brought a chicken on the show with her (the chicken’s name is Sheila, and she has a far better on camera presence than Tiara).
The women briefly discuss Olivia’s awfulness before Sheila the Chicken jumps into Lace’s arms and the subject changes to Leah’s lies.
Then Amber and Jami go after Jubilee, who initially denies saying she was the only “real black girl” on the show but eventually, after mathematician Shushanna (who was given the Weird Foreign Girl edit but actually plays mediator a bunch in this episode, so way to redeem your image!) confirms that she heard Jubilee say it, Jubilee apologizes for offending Jami and Amber.
Far be it from me to get caught up in this particular issue, but it does seem odd that Jubilee’s comments, if they were made in the tone/spirit that Jami believes they were, weren’t aired. Even beyond that, it seems possible that Jubilee was joking about the show’s famously tortured relationship with race (given that Juan Pablo is the only Bachelor/ette of color, and also its history with black contestants in particular). But it was good that Jubilee apologized, and I still think she’d make a way more interesting Bachelorette than Caila. She gets a measure of redemption from our resident therapist Harrison and shares that she is now a Sergeant. Good work, Sgt. Jubilee.
Next up is Lace. Lace is trying to improve her life, but she’s still going on Bachelor in Paradise because why not. Then a guy who has a tattoo of Lace’s face on his chest wanders onstage. It’s weird.
Olivia! Olivia says she might be hard to get to know like Jubilee. YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE JUBILEE! The twins and Amanda rake her over the coals, which is richly deserved. Amanda offers a (scratchy voiced, because she is sick) defense of motherhood which I enjoy even more because there is a chicken directly behind her.
The audience also hates Olivia, which adds that certain something to her entire “hot seat” experience. Olivia insists she’s an introvert, blames childhood bullying, and complains about people being mean on social media. At a certain point, you can’t really solve a problem like Olivia, and hopefully people stop being mean to her on twitter since everyone was already mean to her on “The Women Tell All.” I suspect we will see her on Bachelor in Paradise!
Finally, Caila and her newly lifeless hair discuss being in love with Ben and being unceremoniously dumped by him. Poor Caila! I guess she’s being set up to be Bachelorette, which, fine, I guess? She reiterates her desire to be loved. I really hope her hair gets that gloss and bounce back.
Ben joins the ladies, Harrison, and Sheila. “Is that a chicken?” It IS, Ben! He and Caila have a polite little exchange and he tells her his other relationships just meant more. Leah asks Ben why he’d told Lauren she said something negative about her. Leah says she and Lauren have talked about it and are good, which seems convenient since she’s not there, but ok. Jubilee calls Ben out for taking time to invest in women who pulled away emotionally, but not in her. His response is pretty much a human shruggie emoticon.
Olivia says she gets why Ben didn’t want to go further with her. Ben asks sweetly after Amanda’s kids. She says it helped to see how sad Ben was to get rid of her, which is nice.
Ben tells Harrison he’s ready to marry the girl he picked “tomorrow.” Harrison’s eyes turn briefly into dollar signs.
Then we get bloopers, the best blooper is hands down Becca talking to another woman and calling Ben “Chris.” That’s what happens when you appear on multiple seasons of this show, BECCA.
Next week, it’s all been leading up to the faux “Ben loves two women” cliffhanger, and his mom is deeply unimpressed with this turn of events. Also he apparently winds up confessing to JoJo that he loves Lauren, too, so that’s got to go over well. Soon, this nightmare will be over when Ben fulfills his contractual obligation to propose to a woman! See you then!