Congratulations to one of the worthiest, bitterest support staff members in law.
And thank you to everyone who entered Bitter Lawyer’s Administrative Professionals’ Luxury Bag Giveaway. We couldn’t have been more impressed with the range of responses based on asking one, simple question: What makes you the most merciless, impossible a-hole of an attorney to work for?
While many of you lawyers took this as an opportunity to tote your own oppressive perfectionism and hard-charging success, others considered the perspective of their secretary and the toll your bitterness takes on them. (Not to mention the scores of beleaguered assistants out there who submitted themselves with compelling arguments and cries for help.)
Unfortunately, only one person can win the $499 Sophia Satchel luxury laptop bag from Theresa Kathryn that, we hope, somehow makes up for all of degradation, long hours and challenging egos.
So, without further ado…..
Just like he does with every project that he’s too lazy to take on himself, my boss asked me to prepare his response for this contest. He may just be looking for an excuse to fire me, but if I can collect unemployment AND get a free luxury bag, it’s better than working for him.
• My first week on the job, my boss found out I was hosting a “girl’s night” at my house and proceeded to crash the party.
• Of course, during that first week, he also made me review websites for “chubby porn,” and “elder porn.” Yes, they were our clients, but on my first day I had to look at 400-lb. people and 80-year-old people doing it. Nice.
• He keeps a list of every stupid thing I’ve ever said and shares it with everyone else in the office whenever he gets upset with me or he needs a laugh.
• Michael Scott says “That’s what she said” less than my boss does. Sometimes I think I work for Beavis AND Butthead.
• He makes me package and send boxes of porn to his friends. In all fairness, they are friends of his who are serving in Iraq, and the porn is donated by our clients for the cause.
• When he deems his office too messy, he makes me take everything off of his desk and put it into a box he calls a “punishment box.” As if working for him wasn’t punishment enough.
• He slacks off all month on Facebook, Zillow, and YouTube, and then the week before billing is due, he makes me work overtime to make up for it.
• He makes me babysit his daughter and change her poopy diapers, all the while telling me that she’s going to be my boss one day.
• He once sent me a text message two hours before I was supposed to be at work, telling me he needed me to come in early to forward him an e-mail. When I got to the office, I found that the “important” e-mail doesn’t exist (and never had), and his response was “Oh, okay.”
• He “forgets” to tell me important stuff like his seating preferences on a plane and then calls me at home to yell at me because he doesn’t like his seat.
• One day I asked him to validate my feelings, and he kicked me out of his office. He said, “Feelings are not parking tickets.”
• We get to leave early one day a week—Fridays. On Fridays, he comes in at noon and then makes me stay late so we can “get caught up.”
• He makes me clean out his briefcase after a business trip, and one time I found a pair of dirty underwear in there.
• He eats in his office and then strategically hides his dirty dishes so that by the time I find them (when conducting the aforementioned cleaning of his office) they are covered in mold.
• When he loses something and I ask him where it is, his usual response is “Up your butt.”
• One day he asked me if I was pregnant because “Your boobs look way bigger today.”
• In all fairness to him, he does have a disease—CRA. It means CAN’T REMEMBER ANYTHING. For example, he didn’t remember to use my married name for at least a year after I got married.
• One time I asked for the day off to go to a funeral. He asked, “Why do you need the day off?” I said, “My husband’s grandmother died.” His reply? “Didn’t she already die?” Nice.
• I guess I have learned a lot from him. Before working here, I only knew the conventional definitions of “teabag,” “roman soldier helmet,” and the words “Two Girls, One Cup” did not fill me with a feeling of dread.
• Sometimes he has to watch “scat porn” (yes, for work). It makes him throw up. He throws up in his trashcan and THEN calls me in and makes me watch what just made him throw up.
• All of the above eventually will drive a person to tears. He has a rule that support staff is only allowed to cry once per year. So, when I cry, I have to hide in the supply closet. I have put a chair in there.
• Most legal assistants have to deal with scheduling time for people who have been arrested to meet with their boss. I have to schedule time for my boss to meet with other lawyers because he is always getting in trouble—of course he always claims that he “was just minding his own business” and that the police/bouncer/TSA guy was “prejudiced against Italians.”
Please either get me a new boss or at least give me the handbag so that I can fill it with bocce balls and hit him with it.
Thank you again to all who entered and to our friends at Theresa Kathryn. Checkout code “ADMINDAY” is still functional for a 20% discount and free ground shipping on anything from the TK site.
Good luck to all the secretaries and administrative professionals out there working for a-holes of your own. See you next year!
Contest rules can be read here.