Relationships can be difficult. Let me rephrase that. Relationships are difficult. Especially for those in the legal profession who are often working more than 60 hours each week with barely enough leftover time to fulfill individual vices, let alone attempt to woo a cutie with a booty. Even for those individuals who currently have a significant other, relationships can be difficult to manage. Are lilies her favorite flower? Milk chocolate or dark chocolate? Do I ask her to be in an open relationship or do I just cheat? From the courting stage to the first date to the “Facebook Official” to the (likely eventual) breakup, problems can arise. Don’t believe me? Keep reading.
Six Buck Love
Sideshow Bob Misty Marie Kullman. Kullman’s suitor picked her up at her apartment and they drove around talking. Somewhat normal, except they were talking about Kullman taking part in the world’s oldest profession. Police ultimately arrested Kullman on a misdemeanor prostitution charge after responding to a suspicious vehicle call. While as an attorney I strongly advise against seeking prostitution to satisfy your longing, my main problem in this case comes from details of the police report. According to the report, Kullman’s suitor admitted that he paid $6 for the sex act. Wait. Six Dollars? Like less than the cost of a good burrito? “The man said he gave Kullman a $2 bill, three $1 bills and an assortment of change.” C’mon, Misty.
A two dollar bill? I haven’t seen a two-dollar bill since my 10-year-old birthday card from my grandma. I would hate to see what Kullman might do for a buffalo nickel or a wheat penny. Just getting freaky around toll booths. Remember the advice of Michael Scott: “Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer?” While it is illegal no matter what, $6 is highway robbery. In fact, how about you go ahead and save your change for ladies night. Girls love nine-dollar beer night so there is a chance you will find a keeper and you won’t have a soliciting prostitution charge. Nobody wants their “how we met story” to involve “performing the sex act . . . outside a vehicle . . . in exchange for $6.” Nonetheless, Ms. Kullman, it’s about time you start doing some soul searching towards a new career. For six bucks you could just work at McDonalds. Either way you are asking for someone to clean out their ashtray full of coins to pay for your services.
Liars, Cheaters, and SEO
While meeting someone can be difficult, breaking can be harder to do. Just ask Matthew Couloute, Jr. According to the New York Post, Couloute, a Connecticut attorney, is suing two ex-girlfriends after they left an “unfortunate” warning about Couloute’s boyfriend skills. And everybody knows “girls only want boyfriends who have good skills.” Anonymous posters, took to the website liarscheatersrus.com to air their grievance. This has led to Couloute filing a claim for “tortuous interference with prospective business relations” against the two “ex-lovers,” Amanda Ryncarz and Stacey Blitsch. Some of the highlights include:
- “Lied and cheated his entire way through his 40 years of life.”
- “Uses people/his son/women to get what he wants then dumps you when he’s done with them.”
- “Our relationship didn’t last long, as I figured him out pretty quickly, but for others, BE FOREWARNED, HE’S SCUM. RUN FAR AWAY.”
While I know some attorneys that might take that as free advertising, Couloute claims he has lost several clients due to the posting. Apparently, liarscheatersrus.com has fantastic SEO that makes its website the top posting in Google when you search for Matthew Couloute. In fact, he claims he was informed of the website by a prospective client. Ryncarz has confessed that she was the initial poster following getting drunk on Christmas. What ever happened to a good old-fashioned drunk dial? Far less of a paper trail to use in court.