Six People You’ll Meet as a First Year Associate

1. The Annoying, Super-Helpful Senior Associate

He’s the smiley, overly earnest dude who can’t wait to give you the inside scoop on everything and anything.  He loves the firm more than any human being should love anything.  Wears firm T-shirts on the weekend and is a member of every goddamn committee that will have him.  He’s pretty darn active on the charity/political circuit too.  And, of course, he can’t wait to mentor you.  To teach you.  To sprinkle avuncular nuggets of lawyer dust on you.  Whether he’s giving you the head’s up on the best local lunch spot or spewing cautionary tales about cantankerous partners, this guy’s here to advise 24/7.  He’s so helpful that you can’t help but hate him.

2. Hot Lawyer (Who’s Really Not That Hot)

A 6 in a land in 4’s, so she looks like an 8. She’s the woman you hear about the first day you set foot in the firm.  The one everyone talks about in hushed, reverential voices. The unimaginably unattainable legal goddess used as a ridiculous reference point for beauty in casual conversation.  “You know that actress… She used to be a model… Sort of looks likes Liz Silver…” And then, alas, you meet her, and you want to cry.  Because she’s barely cute.  She’s the fifth-cutest chick at a random SOHO café at lunchtime—if she’s wearing her best-fitting jeans.  That’s when you realize being a lawyer really sucks.  When not-that-hot lawyer chicks are considered off-the-charts gorgeous.

3. Douchebag, Know-It-All, Smartest-Guy-In-The-Room First Year

The guy who reads law journals in his spare time, writes law review articles for fun, and genuinely gets “a kick” out of the law. He’s twenty-six (but acts fifty-six) and is prone to wearing a bow tie from time to time.  He’s a lawyer and damn proud of it. The senior associates and partners love him too. He’s the guy who makes you feel stupid—who makes you wonder if becoming a lawyer was a major mistake since he’s so much more advanced and educated than you. He’s a tireless worker and a relentless go-getter. Then, one day, he screws up and everyone sort of stops talking about him. People begin to whisper that he’s not really that bright. “A hard worker, sure, but not much candle power.” A year later, he leaves the firm for “personal reasons” and becomes a punch line at the holiday party.

4. The Uber-Cool Partner

The 35-year-old playa who everyone thinks is way hipper than he really is. The law-firm equivalent of the “cool mom” who lets you drink at her house and allows her high-school son’s girlfriend to spend the night in his room. Or even worse, the dude who graduated from college three years ago but still hangs out at the frat house. He’s single, immature, not-that-great looking and dates a lot less than he suggests. He’s every socially presentable associate’s best friend, while the wannabe-cool associates fight and clamor to become part of his “fascinating” social circle. He’s an all-around great guy—until you work with him on a deal and he turns into just another disapproving, workaholic dick.

5. Legendary Genius Everyone Reveres

He went to Harvard or Yale, worked for NASA (for real) and is now some legendary M&A guy who constantly cites obscure Delaware cases and SEC regulations. In his spare time, he creates exotic transaction structures and tax loopholes. The other partners and associates can’t go three seconds without saying, “He’s brilliant.” That’s all they talk about. How goddamn smart he is. They act like he’s curing cancer or solving global economic problems—instead of simply closing deals or trying cases.  But that doesn’t matter because being scary brilliant is the “thing” all lawyers want to be. It’s much cooler to be a brilliant geek than cool, which is why being a lawyer sucks.

6. Paralegal/Secretary Slut

The sweet, nondescript, innocent chick you barely notice the first six months you work there. But then, over time—and after a few drinks—you learn that practically every young associate and horn-dog partner has had sex with her. You start to look at her a little differently. And she notices. Then one night, after a firm function . . . . Well, you know what happens. And it ain’t pretty. The next morning, you show up at work hungover and nod to the “hot chick” who you used to think was 4 but now looks like an 8.

And that’s when it’s time to quit.

  • Anonymous

    This is spot on!  The female law firm associate “beauty” is but a figment of our sex-starved imaginations.  It’s so true that these women , who you’d never look at outside the firm, all of a sudden become walking and talking Charlize Thereons in the law library. Sad, but true.  In reality, its only because there is no one else, and only because you’re busting your hump 20 hours a day at the firm.  Heck, after 3 days, humping the cleaning lady is not a bad option.  Also true about the shopworn paralegal and secretarial skanks.  After a few drinks, they’ll be good enough to keep your privates warm for an hour or 2, if not the nite, but a warning.  You have to see these skanks in the morning and every day at the firm thereafter.  So be careful where you stick your peter.  There are better places than the firm women.  Far better places!

  • Anonymous

    This article is a sad revelation of the gender bias that continues to dominate the legal profession.  It is nice to know that even in the professional world, women are viewed as mere sex objects by their male counterparts.  While men are described in terms of their intelligence and work abilities, the sole focus on women concerns their physical appearance.  Regardless of how educated or accomplished a woman is, she is judged solely on her looks, and unable to gain any recognition for her actual skills.

  • JD Dude

    Sad but true, sweetie.

  • Anonymous

    There are plenty of female lawyers who think similarly about male lawyers.  It so happens that the author here must be male, but I knew plenty of law women who judged and ranked men lawyers by the functionality of their “units”, just as men judge women by the size of their breasts or rear ends.  You should review other websites run by women to get the female point of view.  We had one writer here for a while, the Big Firm Whore, but she left.  Finally, if you are a competent and good looking woman lawyer, believe me you will be noticed.

  • ANonymous

    Also, it’s impossible to write these things in PC way.  What’s the writer supposed to do, say he or she every sentence, or talk about the overrated hot guy.  Lighten up for crissakes.

  • Alan

    “It so happens that the author here must be male.” You’re a genius.  It pretty clearly says at the top that the author of this is “Mister Bitter.” So it’s pretty obvious that this is written for the Misters out there.  Well, the straight ones, at least.

  • Anonymous

    The truth always hurts.  Women go to law school because they weren’t scooped up earlier by men in college (including male lawyers on the prowl for younger college babes).  Those who didn’t wind up married decided on being “career girls” (a.k.a. too homely to land a stud).  Most of those career girls wound up in law school, where they could wear the pants.  That is how law schools got so filled with homely women (with a brain mind you).  Men in law school figured (incorrectly) that they’d have their pick of women at the law schools only to find them filled with homely women.  So the men go out and troll the college campuses and pick up (and marry) the good college girls….and the cycle continues…..

  • Reality Check

    I’m a woman, a lawyer, and I’m fing hot.  So there.

  • Anonymous

    Perhaps women go to law school to pursue careers of their own because they don’t need to be “scooped up” and taken care of by a studly man.  What happens to those “good college girls” that get married to these studs?  Please tell me they get the luxury of staying home to watch the kids and spend hubby’s money while the lawyer husband goes to work to check out the “paralegel slut” and fantasize about the “hot lawyer.” Wow!! Sign me up please!  There are plenty of women that are attractive and choose to pursue an education and career because they want to, not because they did not find a man to marry and depend on. 

    So yes, the truth does hurt.  However, I am not sure the truth is that the only women who pursue professional careers are too “homely” to snag a stud while in college.  Actually, the sad truth is that these notions of gender inequality are so ingrained in our society that it is difficult for people to accept women pursuing an education/career without resorting to degrading taunts and obstinate theories.

  • Anonymous

    This isn’t about writing in a “PC” way but recognizing that women are more than just a pretty face/body to look at.  Here, the writer has diminished the worth of a woman to a mere number that corresponds to how attractive she is.  While there is mention of the looks of males (the uber-cool partner), this is only secondary to the other factors that are discussed.  Women are not the one-dimensional sex objects portrayed in this article, but also possess personalities, ambitions, and other characteristics.

  • Sexist Pig

    Wow, what a provocative, insightful statememt Anonymous.  Never heard that before.  Wow, besides being a cutting edge feminist, you’re also a genius for the obvious. Don’t you get that this is meant to be funny/satirical?  This isn’t a condemnation of women or female lawyers.  And he’s not saying there aren’t tons of great women attorneys out there.  It’s just a goof.  And btw—it’s funny.  And kind of true, which is why it’s funny.  So please, chill the F out!!!

  • Anonymous

    The people complaining about the article reducing women to sex objects is spot on.  If the author valued women for their minds as well as their bodies there’d be an entry on the female counsel who took a few years off, just came back, and is now miserably incompetent, but gets to keep her job just to boost the firm’s diversity numbers.

  • Gloria Steinem’s Cousin

    Nice one Anonymous.  Don’t hear the gals whining about that, do ya?!

  • Al Dickman

    I don’t think I will weigh in on this one because anything I say will be bashed by the women and the weasels trying to get some from those women.

  • Woman

    And with that, I no longer read this blog.

  • Man

    Please don’t go, Woman.  You’re obviously so funny and cool… LOSER.

  • The One Who Shits on Shit Eaters

    Here is the 7th person every First Year will meet…the pasty, acne ridden, condescending, white frat boy douche associate, whose taste level hovers somewhere around vanilla to vanilla lite, who only somewhat conceals his obvious disdain for the women around him who are his co-workers…oh wait!  that’s every associate!  Good to know I work with people who can barely get anything done because they are bemoaning how f*ing ugly the women are when almost all of those so-called 4s wouldn’t even touch these pricks if they were in a crowded subway and the train was hurling them about.  This article wasn’t funny and it was definitely written from a prick perspective.  I don’t say that because I am ugly or don’t get fucked- because I am hot and I get fucked a lot by my attractive non-lawyer boyfriend.  I say it because it is true and this article was shitty.

  • Legit 8

    I disagree.  I’m a woman and I think this is pretty funny.  It’s a parody, I think.  And you have to admit, it’s sort of on the money.  Why does everyone freak out so bad over this?  Is it because this guy who actually wrote it, is right?

  • Trouser Pants

    Legit 8 if anyone is freaking out about this because it is so true, like staring-down-the-face-of-god-sublime-awesomeness-i-can’t-sleep-at-night-movie-epiphany-white-lights-true, then they are stupid, because this shit doesn’t even read.  The ltd episodes do ring true, so I like them.  This, not really, and it is offensive to boot.  Plus, BTW blog readers, this article doesn’t have to be a “condemnation of all women” i.e. say “lady lawyers are c**ts” to be offensive or sexist.  People know better now than to say the awful things they really think and we know that racism and sexism arise in much subtler ways.

  • Brooks Bros before Hos

    I agree with Trouser Pants!

  • Clueless

    What’s offensive?  The last one?  The paralegal slut thing?  Is that what everyone’s talking about?

  • A.

    you’re all fucking retarted, have a sense of humor!

  • S

    Our #6 is a 3 in a sea of 1’s….

  • Anonymous

    This is hilarious.  Why are the women lawyers so bitterly on this article?  No one is claiming the men are Adonises.  So what if most female lawyers are hideous?  We already know that.  Lets move on!

  • Newbie

    Good article. Chicks in the comments are confirming exactly why law sucks–uptight PC asswads.

  • Regular Joe

    Does the author say all lawyers are ugly– that all paralegals are sluts?  No.  Do these broad stereotypical characters exist at law firms?  Yes.  Pretty sure that’s all he’s saying.  Actually, I think he’s just trying to be funny.  Mission accomplished.

  • Bill Dickey

    I think we can all agree that the vast majority of women lawyers are “barkers”.  While the men aren’t all movie stars, they leave the women in the dust.

  • Anonymous

    You left off #7.  Annoying, liberal, humorless, PC chicks who find anything funny offensive.

  • Anonymous

    I think we all agree that the vast majority of male lawyers think they are attractive, because their egos are three times the size they should be while their dicks are about three inches smaller than they should be…and couldn’t even get with one of these women they think are so hideously unnatractive.  Bill Dickey, you are exactly the kind of guy we women lawyers laugh at behind your back when you bring your wife to the company Christmas party and it turns out she’s the barkeriest barker of them all.

  • Anonymous

    I think we all agree that the vast majority of male lawyers think they are attractive, because their egos are three times the size they should be while their dicks are about three inches smaller than they should be…and couldn’t even get with one of these women they think are so hideously unattractive.  Bill Dickey, you are exactly the kind of guy we women lawyers laugh at behind your back when you bring your wife to the company Christmas party and it turns out she’s the barkeriest barker of them all.

  • Anonymous

    I’m a female lawyer and I’m pretty hot…in and outside the office.  Its too bad the women at your firm are ugly eh.