I assume you all know that lawyers are stuck in the 1990s. Lawyers still use faxes. Many still hand write notes on yellow legal pads. Our offices are filled with filing cabinets from cases 8 years old. But most old-timey of all: We love writing letters. And when it comes to legal writing, its not how you start but how you finish.
Very Truly Yours
Are we dating? What do you mean you are very truly mine? Are you a member of Savage Garden? Anyways, I love getting your letters. Sure you are just writing to send me another motion to dismiss or summary judgment but at least end the end I know that you are truly mine. That makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Real talk—how many times did you have to try and spell sincerely? At least 4 right? Also, I don’t know how you were raised but berating me because I didn’t send you every specific piece of discovery that you requested doesn’t sound very sincere. Do you sincerely kiss your mother with that mouth?
I know I am the best. Thanks for helping make my day. Seriously, how is sending shitty emails at the end of the day the best? Am I the only person you call the best or do you send out typo filled emails to all of your other opposing counsels?
What does that even mean? When in your life do you ever say “regards” to someone other than when you write a letter/email? If someone holds the door open for you do you turn and say “regards.” Even when you combine ‘Regards’ with the aforementioned ‘Best’ it still doesn’t make sense. I guess you are not just sending me your normal regards that your client hates my client but your best regards. Sorry if I don’t feel all hot and bothered.
Is today my birthday? I gave up on wishing when I was eight. Apparently you think sending me a letter with some empty hearted wishes will help your chances in this settlement proposal. Well keep on wishing toots, I’m going to need another 20 grand on this amount to consider accepting.
Cheers? I’m not Ted fricking Danson. I am sitting in an office with one window. It is 75 and sunny out and I am going to be stuck in an office all day slaving away for a partner who is out playing golf. Meanwhile you are reminding me of the happy hour I am missing because I threw my life away 8 years ago and decided to go to law school. Let me give you a salutation:
Han B. Solo