Snake It 'til You Make It

Doug Stephan Lawyer, News & Views 1 Comment

Overdo it this weekend? No you didn’t. Stephanie Irene Santana overdid it. The pregnant mother was arrested around 4:00 am after being found drunk and high on Xanax outside a tattoo parlor with her 10-month-old child in the car. Santana told the tattoo worker the baby was asleep so no need to worry.

Love your moves, Santana. Don’t get me wrong. I hate bad parenting, drunk drivers, pillheads, and those who lock their kids in the car. But go big or go home, Stephanie. A true heel. An unbelievably despicable human being with absolutely no regard for human life. I may not like it, but damnit I do respect it.

Hopefully, Andre Amanatides isn’t your client. If she is . . . start trying to think of an argument to exclude this:

Lady is like a piñata. Seriously, one of the more humorous things I have seen. It needs some Benny Hill music playing. It’s like a hole in a bag of skittles. Amanatides was getting set to serve a six-month sentence for probation violation and thought a condom with 256 prescriptions pills and 4 bags of heroin would help pass the time. Nothing like the sly foot swipe under the bench—100% of the time that will work zero times.

Father’s Day is coming up, just don’t tell Alexander Donninger. The German has been charged with poaching trout from a nearby Austrian lake. Then Donninger went soft. His defense: he purchased frozen trout from a local supermarket and allowed it to thaw in order to impress his kids with his fishing skills.

Snake it ’til you make it, Donninger. But never do this. I’m not saying don’t buy fish and pretend you caught them. Just don’t admit it. You’ve got to follow through with the lie, hook, line, and sinker. Your kids will never look at you the same. You went from the best fisherman in the Kufstein district to a fraud. You are basically the Danny Almonte of the fishing world.

A dispute over the television channel station at a pizza eatery led to a 52-year-old man chopping the ear of a fellow patron. Nicholas Cacace, 35, changed the station from an oldies music station to ESPN, which led to a earful from Louise Newhman. Newhman then called her husband Thomas Tomasello, who beat Cacace with a Yankees’ mini-bat then bit off a chunk of ear.

Calm down, Tyson. I get backing up your wife but she was “watching” a radio station. I get that changing the channel in a public place is always awkward, but ESPN is a pretty logical channel. Maybe if your kids loved you they would buy you an iPod so you listen to your Chubby Checkers. It would be a different story if Wheel of Fortune were on. Everybody knows old people love Sajak. Nonetheless, no reason to call up Izzy Mandelbaum to do your dirty work.

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  • Guano Dubango

    I would not want to date this woman.