Bitter Empire

  • Critic
  • Lawyer
  • SciTech
  • Endings
  • 
  • 
  • 
endings

Stories Of Fast Food Restaurant Customers That Beggar Belief

  C.A. Pinkham /   February 26, 2018 /   Endings, Featured /   79 Comments

Hello, and welcome back to Off The Menu, where we explore the craziest stories about food from my email inbox. This week, we’ve got more tales of fast food shenanigans. As always, these are real stories from real readers.

Sean Gregory:

“On a recent trip, we stopped off for lunch at a McDonald’s that happened to be located near a high school. It was mid lunchtime, and the place was pretty well packed with kids from the local high school. As we were standing in line, we heard one of the kids in front of us order a “cheeseburger, no cheese, fries, and a coke” and then he and his buddies began to giggle at the humor of the order.

When it was our turn to be served, I asked the girl at the counter “did that kid just order a cheeseburger with no cheese?” She replied “yep…we get about a dozen of those dumb orders a day. They think it’s funny, but apparently they have yet to realize that they are being charged regular price for a cheeseburger, while not getting any cheese.”

Justin Plano:

For a while after college I worked for a national bookstore chain, which has cafés that feature Starbucks coffee. One of my staffers during this particular holiday season was a student, but not a local one. She had already completed her Masters degree, and was then completing her Doctorate in animal science in California. She was home for break, and had worked off/on at the store for a few years, most recently the previous summer. I was glad to have her back during the busy holiday season.

One of our regular customers was a woman whose preferred drink was a caramel machiatto, but only if she trusted the barista who was making it. I had long ago passed her test, but my other barista that night was unknown to this customer, so she ordered a white chocolate mocha instead. This woman was otherwise pretty generally agreeable, which made her exchange with my employee all the more shocking.

My employee made the customer her drink and was making a little casual chit-chat, as we weren’t super busy right that moment. I’m not sure what was being discussed, as I was doing some cleaning and restocking. However, I overheard the customer say “Well, I have my degree, which is why I’m on THIS side of the counter.”

It was one of those jaw-dropping moments. My employee and I were stunned. Who says that? [Editor’s Note: Uh…have you read OTM before? Quite a number of people.] My staffer regained her composure, however, and responded (a little icily) “I’ll keep that in mind when I get my doctorate next spring.”

The customer blushed and hurriedly left.  She came back a couple of weeks later, and we never spoke of it.

Al Byers:

My first job was at a Dairy Queen, and I was often tasked with working the drive-thru. One day, this happened:

Me: “Thank you for choosing Dairy Queen Grill & Chill. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, hi. Do you have anything non-dairy?”

Claire Harrington:

My mother, brother and I stopped by a Taco Bell in our medium-sized city hometown. I was a teenager at the time and my body still produced the enzyme required for digesting Taco Bell without resulting in stomach cramps and the runs, so the cheap and fast Taco Bell was a regular stop for us. It was slightly past prime dinner hour on a weekday, so the place was dead. Maybe one or two other tables were occupied. We placed our order and paid, and the cashier said it would be ready in a couple minutes, so we filled up our sodas and sat down at a table. After a few minutes, they hadn’t called our order at the counter, but we weren’t in a hurry, so we kept waiting.

After about 10 minutes, it seemed suspiciously long for Taco Bell so my mom approached the counter and asked one of the employees how much longer it would be for our food. The kid behind the counter said, “Oh, that order? We thought you left so we threw it away.”

We had been sitting in clear view of the counter/kitchen the entire time. Apparently the three of us had gone invisible for a short time.

John Craig:

It’s 2003, I’m working at Starbucks, and the great northeast blackout has just happened. Power is slowly being restored to the affected areas, but the coffee shop I work in has been out of power for close to 48 hours. Being late August and extremely warm during those few powerless days, naturally, all of the milk in the refrigerators has gone bad.

My store manager and I have to open the morning after power was finally restored, so we also have the pleasure of needing to discard of all the spoiled milk (which, as you can imagine, smelled really awesome).

About 10 minutes before we’re even supposed to open (6am), a guy starts banging very loudly at our front door. My manager, a fairly eager to please fella, decides to unlock the doors early but explains to the customer that all we had as far as drinks was coffee. Guy was like “OK, cool. I’ll take a venti latte.”

Again, my manager explains that we can only do DRIP COFFEE because all the milk was bad due to the power outage. Customer gestures behind the counter at the several yet-to-be-discarded gallons of milk by the sink and says “You got milk, just make me a latte with milk from one of those gallons.” Again, manager points out that the milk is bad (as evidenced by the rancid smell in the air), needs to be discarded for health and safety reasons, but he’d be happy to pour him a cup of coffee FREE OF CHARGE due to the inconvenience.

The customer becomes irate: “Listen you stupid fuck, I’ve gotta be in surgery in 10 minutes” (our shop was 1 block away from a huge hospital–how a doctor/surgeon didn’t understand the potential health risk of drinking spoiled milk is another matter) “so either you or your fuckin friend there get behind the counter and make me MY FUCKING LATTE!”

My manager calmly steps around the counter, opens up the remaining gallons of milk, pours them all down the drain while rude doctor guy watches, then says “We’re not open yet, and if you don’t get the fuck out of my store in 10 seconds, I’m calling the cops on your trespassing ass.” Rude doctor storms out, smacking the stir sticks off the counter and cussing us out on the way to the door.

Never saw rude doctor again, and gained a whole lot of respect for my manager that day.

Do you have any food-related stories you’d like to see included in Off The Menu? Feel free to submit them to WilyUbertrout@gmail.com. New submissions are always welcome! (Seriously, you don’t need to ask if I want you to send them in, the answer is always yes). If you’d like to stay up to date with OTM news, my Twitter handle is @EyePatchGuy.

Filed Under: Endings, Featured Tagged With: off the menu

Share this post

tell a friend
  • Stephen Schenck

    Taco Bell has things that aren’t tacos. Wienerschnitzel sells food other than wiener schnitzel. It’s anything but unreasonable that Dairy Queen might have non-dairy items.

    • I’m super calm bro

      Yes, and if someone rolled up to Taco Bell and said “do you have any food not in a taco?” it would have also been an absurd question.

      • Cynthia

        Um.
        No, it wouldn’t.
        Taco Bell has burritos, Mexican pizzas, and plenty of other non-taco items.

        • I’m super calm bro

          No need to be snippy with me just because you don’t follow my point.

          Much like asking for something without dairy at Dairy Queen, asking for something that’s not a Taco at Taco Bell would be a really strange, disjointed list, from the foods you mention to cinnabon rolls. In this case, at least half the menu doesn’t have Dairy. Does customer simply want food minus dairy? Because that could be anything from onion rings to a Diet Coke.

          • Stephen Schenck

            Everyone must visit a restaurant for the first time, sometime. Until they do, the extent of the menu may just be a mystery.

          • Carl Collier

            Unless they have been hunting cougars with a sharpened stick in the Amazon Jungles of Brazil, I can reassure you a vast majority of people have been to a restaurant…

            And can read.

          • Frank Underboob

            Years of reading these stories makes me gravely doubt your 2nd assertion. 😉

          • I’m super calm bro

            Even if it’s written large in front of them, it’s a mystery?

          • Ted the Penguin

            If only they posted these menus somewhere….

          • Cat Cafe

            No it wouldn’t. The answer would be “Sure, tons of stuff, burritos, nachos, salads, breakfast, what would you like?” Same as at DQ. Even In ‘n Out Burger, which basically gives you the choice between a burger or a cheeseburger and is named “Burger,” has things besides burgers, like a grilled cheese sandwich, or fries, or shakes. They weren’t asking the employee to list the menu, just asking the general question about the menu as a whole.

          • I’m super calm bro

            I didn’t mean for the point I was making to be so controversial. I assumed the story was featured in this compilation of customers doing strange things because this was a strange thing that they did, and I was sharing my take on it.

          • Cat Cafe

            Fair enough. Not sure why I had to be so involved in the Taco Bell menu myself haha. Something about the internet gets a person all riled up about nothing much…

      • TF04

        Except they DO…

    • GrammarSlammerBammer

      Curious now if DQ actually does have any non-dairy alternatives…alas not curious enough to Google this.

      • Cuvis

        Since this is a Grill ‘n Chill location, they have burgers, fries, and other items that would not have dairy. I don’t think they have a non-dairy substitute for their ice cream, though.

        • Rubber.Duckie

          They don’t, but they do have some treats that don’t contain dairy. Misty slushes and light smoothies (which I guess are basically fruit and ice).

          • Osono

            Yeah, sorry, pinkham law on this one. my son has a chronic fpies reaction to dairy. DQ fries are safe, and a few locations do have a non-dairy dessert bar, but most other stuff on their menu has dairy. But it’s not an entirely unreasonable question. I’d also say tho asking fast food employees is much riskier than looking ingredients up on their websites.

      • I’m super calm bro

        Sure! But if someone specifically wants dessert, being told that Dairy Queen sells french fries technically answers the question, but doesn’t help the customer.

    • Sven_the_Berzerker

      I thought I was going to be the first to Pinkham’s Law the Dairy Queen story — while on the surface it seems silly, it can make sense in many contexts. For example, late at night or in the middle of Nevada, it’s the only restaurant available, and a hungry customer just wants something to eat. Fries should be safe, a burger is probably safe if not cooked in butter (perhaps protein style, if there’s dairy in the bun), etc. Baskin Robbins has non-dairy options, so this is reasonable.

      The name of the store is no guarantee of what the do or do not sell. Heck the “99 Cents Only Store” sells things that cost more or less than a 99 cents. Maybe if the customer asked for some sushi or a cell-phone charging cord I’d wonder, but this one is excusable.

      • gigitastic

        I thought maybe they were asking if they had lactaid ice cream or something. I’m sure some ice cream places do but i bet those would be local and not a chain

    • KillerPotato_BMW

      The “Grill” part of Grill and chill would indicate that in fact they do sell non-dairy items.

    • kerry

      Der Wienerschnitzel doesn’t actually sell wienerschnitzel in the first place. They sell hot dogs, not fried pork cutlets.

      • Ted the Penguin

        It’s a good thing there aren’t any near me, their lie of a name would probably enrage me every time I drove by.

    • Mike Hawk

      Sure, they have non-dairy items, but that’s pretty much hamburgers and chicken strips. If you want non-dairy ice cream, don’t go to a fucking Dairy Queen.

      • Osono

        Most fast food chicken strips have dairy in them. I think only the fries are safe

    • cirena

      Wienerschnitzel doesn’t actually sell a single Schnitzel. 🙂

    • Alexandra Linington

      LOL I’m glad I’m not Pinkham’s law-ing this, but it IS true that not all products in a fast food joint contain dairy – Soya Ice cream is LUSH and very popular. Also non-dairy (as in, doesn’t come from processed Cow juice). Most savoury things less cheese, Black coffee, Iced tea etc. Yeah this one is a tenuous entry on the list tbh.

      • Ron Skurat

        I get what you’re saying, and yes, most places have alternatives nowadays. But it is a little comical, like going to Outback Steak House & asking for the vegetarian options. Actually Outback probably does have vegetarian options, but that’s not the point.

    • Grell

      Yeah, Pinkham’s Law-ing this one. I’ve been never ever been to Dairy Queen and have no idea if they have non-Dairy options for their sweet treats. Do they have soy milk? Non-Dairy ice cream? Slushies? No clue!

      The only really dumb part was not specifying anything (ex: are you asking about FOOD or more ICE CREAM-Y THINGS orrrr), but that’s not really worth a story.

  • HiHoSilver

    Shoulda sold that latte to the doctor with the spoiled milk. He can barf it all up on a patient later. 😛

    • John Doe

      My thoughts as well, except, he was going into surgery. Barfing spoiled milk and coffee INSIDE someone could very well kill them.

      • Ron Skurat

        sponge. suction. sponge sponge sponge. suction.

        It’s a good thing surgeries aren’t recorded, there are probably things we don’t want to know.

    • GrammarSlammerBammer

      LOL right into an open incision! actually that would be horrifying

      • Frank The Rat

        It might mix with the Junior Mint dropped in earlier!

  • jagwad

    “‘They think it’s funny, but apparently they have yet to realize that they are being charged regular price for a cheeseburger, while not getting any cheese.’”

    “‘Oh, that order? We thought you left so we threw it away.’”

    America’s future….

    Oh, and F the doctor/surgeon guy with the God complex!

    • Paul F.

      Also america’s future:

      “I’ll keep that in mind when I get my doctorate next spring.”

  • JKMas

    The surgeon guy in the last story might seem like an asshole, but that’s par for the course for surgeons. It actually would have been more of a surprise were he *not* an asshole.

    • Aleria Snow

      If they aren’t being assholes they’re being pervs. I used to help out at a local medical convention to make a little extra cash and have been hit on in the creepiest ways imaginable. Doctors/Surgeons make the frat boys I used to deal with seem like a choir of angels.

    • Jennifer

      And the best part is that there was NO WAY he would be in surgery 10 minutes later. Just the gown-and-wash part of the prep takes longer than that.

      • theblackdog

        Hmmm, this might explain why it seems like surgeries start much later than expected.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I would have made him that latte and handed to him, saying. “Drinking this will make you vomit. Please take care of that before you open up your patient.”

    • Ron Skurat

      I used to do science & MCAT tutoring for Kaplan & TPR, and there were two students in particular who I was relieved to find out had specialized in surgery. No social skills, borderline personalities, best thing was to prevent face-to-face contact with patients.

      • CloudGirl211

        But surgeons still require face to face time with people..pre op consults, post op visits etc

  • John Doe

    “I was a teenager at the time and my body still produced the enzyme required for digesting Taco Bell without resulting in stomach cramps and the runs”

    This, if I eat anything with Taco Bell beef in it, the chicken and steak don’t bother me, I am going to have a boiling cauldron of either vomit the night of or explosive and VERY angry shits the next day at work. Along with an over night of burping rancid beef and hot sauce all night. Yet I still tempt fate a few times a year

    • Ted the Penguin

      It’s (10,000) comments like this that make me wonder if there is something wrong with me, because even in my 30s I can still have taco bell, or whatever other random crap food, without any GI issues.

      • DrGecko

        There is something wrong with you. You should take a stool sample to your doctor – if you can make one, that is.

        • Ted the Penguin

          I’ll get on that!

      • John Doe

        lol well its more just a running joke. If I am really honest, its nothing near that extreme in my case. I think the better way to put it would be something about the beef gives me a little indigestion, but nothing extreme, and is it is a non issue as long as I don’t decide to lay down for a nap shortly afterwards.

        • Ralph Crown

          You said “running” [insert Butthead snicker]

        • Ted the Penguin

          Point taken.
          It definitely has a strong effect on people I know, so such exaggerations sound plausible to me (statistically improbable, but plausible, and there are a lot of people out there).

      • Frank Underboob

        I was the same until I was in my 40s, so I’m betting that it’ll eventually catch up with you too.

        • Ted the Penguin

          Its always nice to have something to look forward to, since the balding has already gotten a head start. (rimshot?… the pun was unintentional)

          • tnebert

            http://instantrimshot.com/classic/?sound=rimshot

      • Robert Cummings

        Reading food-themed message boards, our entire country apparently has the gastrointestinal fortitude of a nine-year-old ballerina.

      • sarcasticcupcakes

        Me too.

        And if I eat spicy food, my mouth suffers – but I’ve never had painful shits.

    • TheLastHonestLawyer

      I was at a Taco Bell making my order when a mocking voice behind me said “I thought F’ing Mexicans didn’t like Taco Bell.” I’m an Arab with fairly dark skin. I turned to the annoying dude behind me me and said “I’ve heard that as well, but I’m a f’ing Arab, and I love this stuff.”

      At the word Arab this kid (mid-twenties, or so, I was in my mid-forties) turned pale and sprinted from the restaurant. As I was getting my food, the cashier mentioned that she’d never seen anyone bolt from the line like that.

      I couldn’t resist. I told that yes, it was unusual. Normally, people don’t suddenly sprint like that until after they’ve eaten the food.

      • Ron Skurat

        ugh that’s terrible. He probably went straight home & posted something awful on daily stormer about how he’s not safe *anywhere*

  • TF04

    Re cheeseburger story. I’m sure the situation in question is different from what I’m about to describe, but it’s worth noting that those who speak less than perfect non-native English often do not associate the whole of a compound noun with the sum of its parts. So, my mom, who’s lived in the U.S. for what is now 21 years, for the longest of times did not perceive “cheeseburger” = “hamburger + cheese”. Of course, I found that out when she took it in a slightly different direction and asked if there was meat in it…

    • Ron Skurat

      a burger made entirely out of cheese sounds DELICIOUS

  • KillerPotato_BMW

    Me: “Thank you for choosing Dairy Queen Grill & Chill. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, hi. Do you have anything non-dairy?”

    One Cheeseburger, hold the cheese.

  • Holly Gofightly

    This is probably based on little more than my own anecdotal evidence, but doctors in fancy hospitals are the fucking worst.

  • Rebecca Gibson

    *high-five* to the soon to be doctorate from the just recently doctorate. You go girl.

  • Jennifer

    > The kid behind the counter said, “Oh, that order? We thought you left so we threw it away.”

    Maybe. Or maybe they flat-out forgot the order. That happened to a friend at a cafe we used to frequent. Her omelette never came out, and the owner never just fricking apologized. He kept making excuses like “We couldn’t see you so we threw it away”. When we were known regulars and were sitting in plain sight. When she pointed this out, he had some other jackass excuse, because he was incapable of that basic skill of retail: apologize and make it right.

    She kept taking him literally and arguing with him. I kept telling her “they’re just excuses, the food never got made, just ask for it to be remade PLS instead of arguing with the stupid excuses”. He finally said that we were welcome to go elsewhere and we decided to accept his generous offer. We were part of a group of regulars there (4-10 ppl every week for a couple of years) and we changed locations that week, and have never looked back.

    • Brand

      Since the story was about a Taco Bell I would guess all the employees where just really, really high.

  • Esley

    On the cheeseburger no cheese, I do this all the time and it’s beyond irritating to me, as a customer. There are so many fast food places where they have cheeseburgers on the menu, but no hamburger. And then when you order a hamburger the cashier looks at you like you’re the stupid one. I don’t like cheese on my burger. And if they DO have a hamburger, it’s a sad, plain little thing. So I end up having to order a cheeseburger (or their version of a Whopper style burger) with no cheese just to get a hamburger that isn’t sad.

    • dead_elvis, inc.

      The story above specifies McDonald’s. The burgers, with or without cheese, are pretty fucking sad.
      I don’t believe I’ve ever been in place that sells cheeseburgers but doesn’t offer a burger free of cheese.

      • Esley

        It’s annoying. And here, it’s SO many places. And the default is with cheese at places like Jack in the box, Carl’s, etc. Other places? Just no “hamburger” option. I did miss where it specified McDonald’s in the story though, so yeah, those kids are idiots. But still, I wish burger places had better options.

  • MissMariRose

    There is a zero percent chance that “surgeon” was any type of doctor at all.

  • Cat Cafe

    Spoiled milk guy was such an asshole! He was also not remotely any sort of doctor, let alone a surgeon.

    • Kate Reed

      Whether he was or not, I’ll bet he had a monogrammed thermos somewhere.

      • Lyra Ylliel

        Perhaps he should have filled it with spoiled milk.

        • elangomatt

          Yes he should have but then that would have opened up the store to getting in actual trouble if Dr. Douche actually wanted to make a big deal out of it.

  • proudgrampa

    My first job was at Baskin-Robbins. I can’t tell you the number of times someone would come in and order burgers, fries and a coke. This in spite of absolutely NO evidence that such items were available in a B&R Ice Cream store.

    Good times.

    • Ron Skurat

      He’s been here a couple years now. But yes, if it wasn’t for a random tweet I saw, I would’ve lost track as well.

  • theblackdog

    I made a similar mistake like the Taco Bell employees. I tossed a ticket because we were in the middle of a rush at the sub shop and I thought I completed the order. I hadn’t and got a chewing out from my manager when she realized what happened.

    Luckily the customer was nice after I explained what happened and especially after we offered $10 in gift certificates. They actually became regulars of our place though we made sure not to lose their ticket again.

    • Rubber.Duckie

      I think it’s understandable if you’re busy…the Taco Bell in this story was nearly empty

  • Rohirim36

    Me: “Thank you for choosing Dairy Queen Grill & Chill. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, hi. Do you have anything non-dairy?”

    (NOW FOR THE CONCLUSION OF OUR STORY)

    Me: “Yup, enjoy the Misty Slush.”

    Yeah, yeah, I know. Pinkham’s Law.

  • Ron Skurat

    “Do you have anything non-dairy?”

    Offer the customer a grilled cheese sandwich, guarantee you they’ll be like “that sounds great!”

  • Ron Skurat

    Colin’s right, half the stories on OTM could have the punchline “Who says that?”

    It must be the Emily Post in me, but I say it IRL almost on a daily basis

Choose Your Ending

  • 7 Ideas If You’re Stuck In A Rut   7 Ideas If You’re Stuck In A Rut  
  • Off The Menu: Stories Of Kids In RestaurantsOff The Menu: Stories Of Kids In Restaurants
  • Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 22-28, 2016Bitter Astrologer: Because It’s Not Your Fault. April 22-28, 2016
  • On the Beautiful Porcelain Doll-Hands of Donald TrumpOn the Beautiful Porcelain Doll-Hands of Donald Trump
  • Story Time: Live Blogging ‘Conquered By Clippy: An Erotic Short Story’Story Time: Live Blogging ‘Conquered By Clippy: An Erotic Short Story’

I’m A Bitter

  • Critic
  • Lawyer
  • SciTech
  • Endings
  • About Us
  • 
  • 
  • 