In what has somehow developed into a regular feature, we live blog Taken By The Gay Unicorn Biker by Chuck Tingle. It is the great debate of our time: is being taken by a gay unicorn biker better or worse than being Taken by T-Rex?
Join us Thursday April 9th at 9am central to weigh in on the insanity.
Rubs hands together. Okay, I have my coffee. Check. Open copy of Taken by a Gay Unicorn Biker by Chuck Tingle… here we go.
I can already see that Tingle is a better author. Our opening is actually fairly interesting: “I don’t believe in miracles; nor luck, nor magic.”
A little set up here. Our hero seems to be driving to his brother’s wedding from VERY GAY West Hollywood.
He’s out and proud, but his family is Christian and he’s trying to get to the wedding on time to prove he’s not a loser. (I already like this guy. Mr. Tingle, you impress me.)
Ah, his name is Mario.
Oh noz. A car accident. I think I already see how we’re going to meet our biker.
If he was marrying Luigi it would make me so happy.
Hahahahaha. Now my mental image of this guy is VERY WEIRD.
If he doesn’t believe in magic, a motorcycle-riding unicorn is going to be an even bigger surprise.
I don’t know what they teach CA drivers, but Mario is leave his wreckage and walking. In the desert. (MNians know better than this.)
Chuck is such a prolific writer, I think he could use the Mario/Luigi pairing as the inspiration for his next story.
Does he not have a cell phone? or is he so far out in the boondocks that he isn’t getting reception?
Leaving the scene of an accident is illegal. Mario is in BIG TROUBLE.
Oh, but look here it is page three and the motorcycle is already on the horizon. “a tiny glinting spec on the horizon.” Mr. Tingle, you DELIVER. We had five pages of set up in T-Rex.
(I’m sorry, possibly introducing logical questions into this is not helpful.)
And why are you asking about phones? He’s a gay guy in need of a UNICORN!!
Tingle’s next book should involve someone who’s taken in the butt by the AAA tow truck.
I’m surprised he hasn’t already written that one.
Because if he’d charged his phone (or had one), he would miss this: “It’s only then I realize the rider is a beautiful, white unicorn, with a long flowing main (sic) and a glorious pearly horn jutting out from the top of his head.”
“Where are you headed?” The biker unicorn asks in a gruff voice.
I guess the guff voice tells us this is a manly sparkling unicorn?
A MANLY SPARKLING UNICORN.
And… our hero, Mario, is just like, yeah, I’m talking to a unicorn. No problem.
I am totally fixated on where that horn is going to go. And if it is made of keratin or if it is a bony structure.
“Guess it’s your lucky day.” The unicorn says, his tail whipping back and forth in the air as it hangs over the back seat of the bike.
I think post twilight all mythical creatures are required to sparkle.
Is no one wondering how the unicorn can drive WITH HOOVES??
Maybe they’re special hooves. The kind with thumbs.
Or, hold on. Maybe it’s an adaptive motorcycle.
Okay, I am now in love with Mario, because when the unicorn tells him to hop on, he thinks, “I do as I’m told, deciding not to tell this majestic creature that I don’t believe in luck.” BUT TALKING UNICORNS ARE FINE???
Hey, Mario has a line in the sand. Luck is just a step too far.
Well, luck is a mushy, sketchy sort of thing. The talking unicorn is right in front of him.
I really want the unicorn to be wearing a biker jacket.
Okay, now we’re having some bonding. Where you headed? Etc. Turns out the unicorn has had a really bad breakup and now he’s headed to Vegas. (Oh, just where the brother’s wedding is!)
Clearly this was meant to be. Does Mario believe in destiny?
Our sensitive hero is sensitive, “Sounds like she lost out on a pretty good unicorn.” Unicorn corrects: HE. He lost out on a good guy. (Note unicorn thinks of himself as a guy, even as Mario calls him a unicorn.)
You’re gay? Me too!
late to this party so I have some catch up to do!
I am thinking Mario needs to start believing in luck, because methinks he’s getting lucky.
I wish there was some angst over whether sleeping with a male unicorn makes a man gay.
Oh, now we get the sexy description, “I pull tighter against the unicorn, feeling the beat of his massive heart against my body. He’s an incredible creature, so perfectly toned and strong… I can’t help but feel a strange twinge of arousal deep within me.”
I mean, of the things you’re going to get hung up on, the Unicorn’s gender seems the least of your issues.
Unicorn is named Kirk. KIRK.
Please let there be a captain joke coming (as it were.)
Chuck might be showing his roots here – in the pounded in my butt with my own butt story there is also a kirk.
Wait, you read that one???
I was there – with the gay unicorn driving a motorcycle with a motorcycle jacket, in the desert…but KIRK?! *needle across the record*
Kirk is a sensitive unicorn who is not given to pat responses. We are falling for Kirk. In fact, “His casual unicorn demeanor is so incredible, I find myself turned on.”
No, I read the blurb though. Kirk is a research scientist who’s work went horribly awry.
Now I want to believe that the unicorn is actually an alien from outer space, part of some sort of space expeditionary force, who has a boy on every planet.
wait wait wait
what would be a non-casual sort of unicorn demeanor, exactly?
I don’t know. And why is it HOT?
yeah – I read the pounded-by-my-own-butt descrip and it actually sounds rather logical
“Whoa.” Kirk says with a laugh, sensing the hardening of my cock up against his back. “You getting excited back there, buddy?”
Mario tries to deny his raging hard on. Kirk asks unabashedly “You ever fucked a unicorn?”
For the rest of my life this is my conversation starter “You ever fucked a unicorn?” I’m just going to ask people this indiscriminately forever.
Just want to point out that Amazon links in the side-bar are again spot-on – with Taken By T-Rex and Pounded in the Butt By My Own Butt
Mario is like, uh, no, I’VE NEVER MET ONE BEFORE. Except a lot more casually and Kirk is all, “There’s not a lot of us out there, not a lot of gay ones either.”
Mario, you are one lucky dude. Not only a unicorn. But you just found the one who is also gay.
So like better than a 4-leaf clover lucky?
Oh whatever, Kirk. All unicorns are gay.
My favorite exchange: “I didn’t even realize you existed,” I confess. Kirk scoffs, “Come on now, that’s just rude.”
Now see – I’m really feeling Tingle’s dialogue skills here
I just read a “medical mystery” and I swear the dialogue was actually worse than that line. Chuck’s got game.
Mario is falling hard. “He’s a protector, a figure of power that radiates support, companionship, and gay lust. My body aches for him.” (And gay lust? The rest was so sweet Mario!!)
Now the unicorn wants to know if Mario believes in love at first sight.
No! Because Mario is the pragmatic type. Who doesn’t believe in luck, or magic.
Yep. Mario plays hard to get. He’s very, mmmmaybe? But he’s willing to admit that there’s something between them.
I just would have so many questions for the unicorn. I mean where to even begin.
LIKE YOUR HARD ON.
Well, it’s important to have tension in a story – will they, won’t they, could they?
Oh… Mario gets to that. “I think I WANT you.” The unicorn is even shocked by this, “Right now??”
But why bring love into it, Chuck
“How many unicorns are there? Are you born with a horn because how does that work for unicorn moms? How exactly are you driving this motorcycle without opposable thumbs?”
“Right now?” “No, I mean, let’s stop the motorcycle at least.”
Can’t a couple of nice guys, one of whom is a unicorn biker, just want to get it on in the desert without it having to be about love??
Yeah, I find it difficult to imagine how a glorified horse can correctly position themselves on a motorcycle for sexytime.
Naomi – exactly
My other question right now would be, “okay, so… you’re a unicorn. Does one of us have a condom? Do we need it in this interspecies thing we’re about to do??”
right?? I mean let’s include some safer sex practices here guys, interspecies doesn’t have to mean irresponsible/risky!
Zoonotic diseases are real, even if unicorns aren’t. best to use a condom. If the situation ever comes up.
Because they have stopped the motorcycle! Alert! There is already kissing. “I step off with him and then moments later we are meeting under the desert sun next to a giant, flat bloodier. Kirk and me embrace each other feverishly…”
“Our lips locked in a passionate kiss.” Lips. Can we take a moment here to imagine horse lips?
So I may not have seen a Unicorn, but I have seen a horse. The mechanics of kissing seem more complicated than just doing the deed.
Also – regarding the embrace, I think we are back to the hooves issue raised earlier.
yeah – prospect of horse/guy kissing seems…impracticable
I mean I suppose if you’re a unicorn you might be equipped with all sorts of adaptive magic.
Good news! We are not lingering on the kiss. “I’m trembling with desire, wanting nothing more than to take his massive, gay unicorn biker cock inside my body.”
You’d think he could at least shape-shift
I’m having a really hard time getting around the hooves, still. Not to overshare, but I have found hands to be an important component of every sexual encounter I’ve ever had in my life.
Mario has torn off his own shirt. Kirk does the same. “His body is utterly incredible, perfect and muscular in its majestic, beastly form. I touch him gently with my hands and then work my way down the unicorn’s toned, muscular chest.”
Okay, so wait, this is a unicorn with a man’s chest?
Legit observation, Naomi.
Also, how is he upright?
Kirk was wearing a shirt? Then why no leather jacket?!
Is he stroking the unicorn’s fur? Unicorns have fur, not skin, I assume, if we’re starting from a horse-type body.
Hooves just sound wildly clunky. Sex can already be sort of gangly, klunky, awkward – how much more so with HOOVES
Chuck missed out on a perfect opportunity for cross genre appeal
No fur mentioned.
I’ve been picturing a bipedal unicorn the whole time and not worrying too much about the logistics there. It’s clearly a bipedal unicorn in the picture.
Oh wait. In the picture from the cover Kirk is wearing a jacket.
But no shirt!
Oh wait, I’m sorry, that’s Mario who’s got no shirt.
Oh, you know how rarely cover artists read the book, Naomi.
See, now here is where I feel Chuck could really up his game by zooming in on the details like fur. I mean unicorn fur (doesn’t “fur” sound like the wrong word all of a sudden?)
Well, they had to do the jacket all the way up because they had trouble picturing unicorn chest, so maybe there is a shirt under there. Also note, the hooves are not pictured!
Looking at the picture also makes me think they should’ve been struggling to keep Kirk’s windswept mane out of the way when they kissed.
I mean do horses really have fur? I mean I guess – they’re not feathers.
You can bet neither of them thought ahead to bring a hair band.
Coarse hair I would say.
The Internet seems to think that horses have hair, not fur.
But whatever, it’s going to be all over the unicorn’s body and soft to pet.
I like this internet you speak of!
Also I missed this wonderful first description, “I find myself surprised by how masculine his beauty is. Besides the slight pink shimmer of the creature’s mane and horn, there’s nothing girly about this muscular beast. In fact, this particular unicorn is actually looking pretty badass in his leather jack, jeans and boots.”
Horses have really soft noses and like having those petted, so I would assume that it would be an erogenous zone for a unicorn but maybe it’s just as well we’re not going there.
oh yeah. Horsehair blankets. That’s a thing, right?
WAIT I’M SORRY IF YOU ARE SHIMMERING PINK YOU ARE INHERENTLY KINDA GIRLY
The badass leather jacket and jeans is clearly OVERCOMPENSATION
But there is also a mention of hooves. “…stomping the asphalt with a bit of hoof.” Agreed, Naomi!
Hey there are those manly men who can pull off pink
Oh yeah! A fully dressed unicorn! A naked unicorn would be breaking all sorts of laws – you’re not even allowed to drive topless!
But the unicorn does wears pants. “Suddenly overwhelmed with passion, I drop to my knees and unbutton Kirk’s pants, pulling them down and letting his massive unicorn cock spring forth.”
Mr. Unicorn Biker is so confident in his masculinity that he can pull off not only pink, but PINK SHIMMER
Ok – let’s talk about unicorn tailoring
maybe that’s just part of his magic
I will buy magic as the answer to a lot of this, honestly.
“Holy shit,” I gasp. “Your dick is fucking enormous.” The confident unicorn biker gives me a wink. “Think you can handle it?”
I feel like there may be a girth issue here for the unicorn.
“I don’t know, Mr. Unicorn, can you magically give me a more capacious anus?” #superunsexyerotica
WELL YEAH Mario! Even I know the phrase “hung like a horse”
Are we going to get a “hung like a horse” joke at any point?
Well, Mario has no problem taking him into his mouth, so he’s not T-Rex big. “The gorgeous beast lets out a satisfied neigh…”
Wow – that was fast
Thought unicorn biker would have a little more longevity
For the best – the body pillow T-rex penis imagery has really haunted me.
And now we have this lovely image as well, “With one hand I cradle his hanging balls, and with the other other I reach up and take his hoof in mine, gasping tightly.”
“A satisfied neigh.”
What happened to his boots?
Oh, I assumed it was the front hooves, the ones that ought to be his hands. Those wouldn’t have boots on them.
hoof-grasping – again, sounds awkward
Oh no. The next part might be too much. “Kirk’s size is just too much to take, and I struggle against his rod, retching as I push the limits of my body. I simply can’t take his size.”
Retching? Is this hot?
Sensitive unicorn suggests stopping, but Mario is all, “I need to do this, Kirk.” (But WHY??)
Listen, Mario. You can’t deep throat a unicorn. Not gonna happen. Surely, there are other tricks in your bag.
oh we’re still on this ride! I thought “satisfied neigh” indicated finis
Joline, don’t crush a man’s dreams
Mr. Tingle is all about the delivery, because Mario does the deep throating.
“Somehow I mange to relax enough that Kirk’s massive dick slides all the way inside. I proudly look up at him and give him a playful wink.”
At least unicorn is impressed, “Fuck,” is all this amazing man can manage to get out, overwhelmed by my expert deep throating skills. “That’s incredible, Mario.”
Kirk didn’t even know unicorns existed earlier today, that has not been a long held goal to achieve. I mean, I could see it being necessary if you had traveled the globe looking for a gay unicorn to deep throat, but that isn’t the case here.
wow. just – go you, Mario. Add that skill to your CV, sir
Mario needs some self-esteem because he’s so pleased by this. “This is all I’ve ever wanted. To find love when I least expect it, out here in the desert in a time of need.”
But clearly he really is not one to walk away from a challenge
I really hope Mario will take the Unicorn to the wedding and introduce him to the family.
Oh. Oh, shit. We have teeth…. “I find Kirk carefully pulling me to my feet with his powerful unicorn teeth.”
Also, I am going to be totally disappointed if there isn’t horn play at some point in this story. I feel it’s a requirement if you’re going to write unicorn porn.
“out here in the desert in a time of need.” Very Old Testament. So deep-throating a unicorn is manna from heaven, is my conclu.
Kirk has just laid Mario out on a rock and is proceeding to strip him (apparently with his teeth. Maybe the hooves really have no thumbs?)
I’m wagering that the horn comes into play soon as more accommodating to Mario’s human backside than Mr. Unicorn’s cock would be.
We have horsey licking on Mario’s cock. “The creature certainly knows how to use his tongue, finding no trouble at all with quickly bridging my body dangerously close to orgasm.”
Oh NO! I can never unknow that!
Now I am confused by the size the unicorn’s head. “He pumps his head up and down on my length, pleasuring me skillfully between his majestic lips.” I feel like a horse’s head is kind of bigger than that? I probably shouldn’t try to really “see” this.
oh THIS was your “I can never unknow that” point?
I agree – there is a significant size issue there. Logistical FAIL Chuck.
Mario is begging to come. But you know, he wants Kirk inside. Okay, so now we get Mario describing HIMSELF this way, “…pulls me down the boulder slightly so that my muscular gay ass is hanging off the edge.”
I’m so glad everyone had gay parts. A gay cock for a gay ass.
Again – why the emphasis on the gayness? You are doin’ it with a unicorn. Gender is not the most important aspect of the story.
Yeah, and this isn’t a girly unicorn either. Is this really important to Mr. Tingle’s audience.
Well, I’m glad that Mario doesn’t have a straight ass as it wouldn’t go with the rest of his body parts.
Yes, I’m weirdly disappointed it was not described as a “straight-acting” ass. I find that much hotter.
I don’t know?! I have no idea who Mr. Tingle’s audience is, but I’m pretty sure he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
And at least there is this, “I’m slightly fearful of what his incredible size could do to my body, but I try my best to play it off and be fearless.” SLIGHTLY FEARFUL??
At least he has the sense to be concerned. T-rex girl was totally oblivious to the danger.
To be fair to Mr. Tingle, he’s not a bad writer. Some of his dialogue is awesome, frankly.
There are typos, but no worse than a lot of fan fic.
Fair. It’s gotta be tough to find the right editor for Chuck’s genre.
Oh, now the true nature of the unicorn comes out. “Kirk stops for a moment, ‘I want you to beg for it.'”
I find myself anxious for there to be some hot gay EMTs nearby given all the potential for things to go awry here
Well, yeah. A submissive Unicorn would just be totally unbelievable.
Oh but Mario is a manly man. He’s not gonna do it. All he’ll say is “fuck me” as he grabs hold of Kirk’s “large beastly body with one hand” and then “I pull Kirk forward and his mammoth cock disappears inside of my asshole, stretching my tightness to the brink.”
I am concerned at this point there has been no mention of lube. NONE.
Well – you just took the bull by the horns, Mr. Mario!
The brink. Seems like there should be a better word here.
Yeah, I’m sorry, I can buy the gay biker unicorn and the deep throating but anal sex with a horse-sized cock and no lube? NOPE.
“Kirk pauses, as he ruptures my colon with his beastly length.”
You’d think, but that’s it for Mario. He’s come. “I let out a blood-curdling howl of pleasure that echoes across the desert landscape, cascading across the hills and valleys until it bounces back to us.”
All fun and games until severe anal tearing, people.
And Kirk is good now too. “He lets out a guttural neigh of his own, throwing back his head and shutting his eyes in an expression of pure satisfaction.”
Wait, he comes just like that? KABOOM?
This just seems insufficiently described, to me.
OMG you guys Kirk is going to take the unicorn to the wedding! I am so happy.
WAIT! There was no horn involved in this escapade at all?! WTF?!
TBF, there is more description, “bucking forward as he ejects several pumps of semen within my asshole.” But no use of horn. NONE.
ok – that’s really all I wanted out of this whole thing – Mario taking unicorn to the wedding
What a letdown. Mr. Tingle, your readers are disappointed.
I wanted some erotic horn action. A unicorn +1 at a wedding is cool and all, but not like erotic horn action.
I mean maybe his fam will be all NBD with the gay thing
And never mind that Kirk is a unicorn, but at the wedding we get, “…Everyone loved Kirk. At first I was worried that they’d have a problem with the fact that he rode a motorcycle..” What? That was your worry? NOT THAT HE WAS A UNICORN??
come on – EVERYONE loves a unicorn
I thought this was the wedding of the unaccepting Christian relatives. They’re totally okay with the gay relative not only bringing a dude, but a UNICORN dude?
The brother is all, “You look chill.” And there is much winking because clearly the brother is actually down with the hot gay unicorn sex.
A unicorn BIKER dude?
aw, that’s really just sweet.
Right? But it’s a happy ending, Naomi! So. Happy. No anal rupturing and the Christian family loves the unicorn.
“Dude, the Bible says, thou shalt not lie with a man as you would with a woman. It says NOTHING about unicorns!”
Gay unicorn bikers – bringing estranged families together since 2015!
And that’s the end.
There is no more. Horns maybe saved for the sequel??
Okay. So I think it would be a better story if (1) there had been some more graphic description of the sex, including some practical measures like lube, and (2) if instead of Mario taking the unicorn to his unaccepting family member’s wedding, the UNICORN took MARIO to a UNICORN wedding.
OMG #2! I weirdly now want to write fan fic of this in which that happens!!
Like, “heyyyy, I’m heading to a wedding, too! and unicorns are totally fine with gay people. why don’t you tell your stupid unaccepting family to get stuffed, and come hang out with me? Also, unicorn weddings involve a massive unicorn orgy, and we serve cake for all the courses.”
I am SO requesting that for Yuletide.
To be fair, Chuck Tingle would have blown his whole unicorn wad if he’d included EVERYTHING in one book. Sequels!
Thumbs-up to #2
Well, Taken in the Butt By All the Unicorns at the Gay Unicorn Wedding would make a terrific sequel.
I will say this is shorter than I thought, not that much longer than the T-Rex sex.
No wonder Tingle can pound these out (pun intended).
I appreciate your curating Lyda 😀
Hey, just remember: ‘I read weird erotica, so you don’t have to!” It’s my new family crest.
bless you child
And, with that, we end another episode of story time. Thanks to all who can now never unsee this.