Join us, Thursday May 21 at 9am Central, to weigh in on the insanity.
All right, here we go. I’ve got my newly purchased copy of “Conquered by Clippy” and am ready to go!
Our heroine’s name is Christine Aackerland with two ‘a’s which I guess makes her fancy like an aardvark.
Oh dear. She’s an “independent woman.” Apparently this means she won’t accept help from the bagger at the grocery store, opens her own doors, and takes the stairs instead of the elevator.
That seems very specific for Clippy related erotica. Although the extra a does make it sound fancy.
Just because she’s so independent doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about her beauty! (I know, you were worried!)
Those women’s libbers. Always subverting the patriarchy by avoiding the elevators.
She doesn’t like to wear her glasses because they obstruct her “striking grey eyes.”
Well, I assume all those stairs keep her quite trim!
Wait – so the set up is that she doesn’t need any help in life…
But she needs them now because there’s an important email from none-other-than “Phil” Gates.
yeah – seeing is for total suckers
Oh, it seems “Phil” has heard of her adventures with Tetris. Mmmm, maybe Ian was right and we should have started there?
also – what is going on with that raggedy-ass bra she has on in the cover photo
He’s “Impressed with her relationships with inanimate objects and ability to communicate with words.”
Communicate with WORDS. Way to rock the job skills, Christie!
Tara – I think it’s some sort of aplique.
Phil has set a real low bar here.
or worn look maybe, like jeans that come with the holes in them?
Seems “Phil” has discovered an alien artifact in the middle of a remote and DANGEROUS location. (emphasis mine.) No red flags here, Christie.
although jeans with holes can still function mostly, bras with holes, well.
aliens? This is taking a turn for the interesting that I did not see coming
“We would like to send you there ALONE, WITHOUT ANY HELP, to tell the artifact’s story…” Yep, yep, Christie, no red flags here, none whatsoever!
If distressed bras are turning into a trend….
wait – what’s Aarvark’s, I mean Aackerland’s job – journo?
Yeah, aliens. This is very unexpected. Because now Bill… er, I mean Phil has taken her back to Micro… I mean, Silicon Valley to show her where they “unearthed the vessel.”
Apparently, Aardvark is a blogger. So…
is that what the kids are calling it these days?
That this is a sequel and we have perhaps missed plot points is maybe the most bizarre thing.
“Would you like to come up to my room to see my vessel?”
Listen her skills involve COMMUNICATING WITH WORDS. She is highly skilled at words.
Oh we are bloggers! Maybe a tech giant will one day ask us to investigate alien artifacts! I did not know this could get more exciting!
She’s not so bad at smoldering looks either but her underwear maintenance skills are apparently iffy.
“Phil” had just told us they unearthed the space vessel while MINING FOR COMPUTER CHIPS. Because, apparently, you don’t make those, you dig them up.
Thank you for validating my opins on her delicates, Naomi
Intel is just rocked to their very core.
This has just gotten really weird. Phil is going to take her to the location when “a greenish cloud sailed past Christie’s window” (of the helicopter, mind you, not a computer window.) Wanna guess what it was?
I keep looking at that bra and thinking, “is that inside out?!?” I mean it’s not only ratty it just looks weirdly wrong to me.
“A Silicon geyser.”
wow – so Intel is just a big scam org that doesn’t actu DO anything, because the chips come preformed from the earth.
A silicon geyser?
“Pack it up, boys. Now they’re just mining them out of the ground, no one needs Intel anymore.”
If silicon geysers were a thing, would everyone in silicon valley need to go around using self-contained breathing units at all times to avoid destroying their lungs?
having a hard time imagining green clouds sailing past, clouds don’t really “sail.”
Maybe this is the future, because Bill, er PHIL has just pulled out his “Windows Phone 8.1” which has been broken during the helicopter crash caused by plumes of silicon, apparently.
I just want to say, page 3: WHAT??
I worry that this author lacks even a 9th grade earth science education.
Oh no! Is everyone okay after the crash?
Oh, my lord above. Now they’re wandering in the debris and discovered a “vertical line crossed by a shorter horizontal line” “It’s a cross,” said Phil. “Are we dealing with an ancient Christian alien cult?”
I am so lost.
I can suspend my disbelief for sex with inanimate objs, but Windows Phone 8.1 is a bridge too far
The smartphone is down, but everyone is okay.
I think this author would have done better eschewing some of this nonsensical setup and just getting on with the sex.
Luckily, when Christie pulls out her pen (apparently to do her blogging on PAPER??) Clippy has climbed out and “pounced” to the ground and asked his signature phrase, “Would you like some assistance today?”
I see you are attempting fiction. Would you like some help with that?
Okay hang on. What did Clippy climb out of? Out of the smartphone?
Phew, that’s a relief. I don’t know what I’d do if the well developed characters I’ve grown to know and love were injured in the crash.
Apparently the cross wasn’t an ancient cross, but a “t.” Somehow this alerts Phil that Clippy is a “magnificently intelligent machine.”
wait – still trying to sort out where Clippy emerged from
Now Phil and Clippy are “chatting way like old friends” while Christy goes exploring. OMG WHERE IS THE SEX??
Clippy climbed out of the giant T? I think I’m lost.
What is Clippy exploring? And why isn’t it someone’s nether regions? What the heck kind of story is this?
also – Aardvark is entirely non-plussed at Clippy?
Interesting question – who’s getting the business end of Clippy? I mean, Phil seems a reasonable choice.
Clippy has “pounced” out of crashed vessel apparently alerted by the fact that Christine wanted to write something…. or maybe because someone noticed the “t.” Honestly, I’m reading it and I have no idea.
At least Chuck Tingle’s chars are real enough to recognize the absurdity of their situations before plunging into whatever ill-advised trysting
Okay, things are, if possible, getting weirder. Christie has now decided to find a hole in the ground that seems to be leading to… an office complex?
I’m going to misuse the word pounce in this fashion forever now. It’s a thing. Like fetch but more successful.
Also, excited by the adventure Phil just tried to kiss her.
And Tingle knows how to string a sensical, if absurd, narrative together.
Apparently people = no.
stop trying to make pounce happen Joline
It’s true, Leonard Delaney may have flown too close to the sun with this one.
So, in this buried office complex we’ve now come to a computer room that resembles “that hatch in the TV show Lost.” “That was a good show,” said Christie.
Hmmmm…. so Phil is so excited by discovering this room he shouts, causing a… server avalanche. Which, I kid you not, seems to have killed him.
Now Christie figures she might need Clippy’s assistance.
I get the impression that someone was trying burn through an arbitrarily decided word count.
The only way this could redeem itself for me is if Phil and Clippy hooked up.
Wait PHIL IS DEAD?!
“It’s probably how he would have wanted to die,” said Clippy.
“True that,” said Christie.
OH! Clippy’s “coil was sticking out. It was red and glowing at the end, as if his rod had been stuck in a fire. Clippy had a boner.” APPARENTLY FROM KILLING PHIL.
Obviously. Who’s dream isn’t to die in an avalanche while talking to an unempathetic alien and being sexually rejected.
Clearly the wish-fulfillment fantasy here is not getting it on with Clippy but killing Bill Gates. (Sorry. PHIL.)
I’m getting the feels that a computer wrote this. How meta would that be – erotica about Clippy written by a machine
…or, you know, getting it on with a remorseless psychopathic killer who’s turned on by murder!
Or hey, why not both?
Oh. My. GOD. Clippy just said, “I’m MicroHARD.”
No. just. I can’t.
Christie is all about being grateful to the homicidal alien paperclip and is now giving him a blow job.
BURNING HOT METAL!
This is nightmarish. This is so much worse than Chuck Tingle. OMG.
OMG. I want to trademark “MicroHard” RIGHT NOW. Damn you Leonard Delaney.
“Unlike an actual paperclip, the end of his oiled body was round, and felt smooth in her moth. As she lapped and suck and tongued at it, it became even redder and hotter. Her own human body part (vagina) felt hot too.”
Is Aardvark dead now too from 3rd degree mouth/throat burns?
(vagina) It was really written this way. Like, in case we couldn’t get it.
She apparently is not dead from the hot, but is taking her pants off.
All my bits are shriveling at this point, fwiw.
I may never have sex again.
Thank god for this description: “When she allowed herself to glance up, his bulbous eyes were rolled back, the steel eyebrows arched with pleasure.”
Now I can’t unsee that.
I’m going to take up hazard pay with our editor on this one.
I am laughing so hard I can’t type right. BULBOUS EYES ROLLED BACK, STEEL EYEBROWS ARCHED Jesus h. Christ WHAT
And possible PTSD therapy
Hahahahah, okay, now that she’s decided to get really busy with him and is down to the bra we have on the cover, he says, “Would you like me to assist…” and she says, “SHUT UP, CLIPPY.”
which should have been a tip-off at how distressing this whole endeavour was going to be.
Oh, crap, now we get this, “She got the bra off, and her perfectly engineered breasts popped free, with nipples like eager little puppy noses.” PUPPY NOSES. O. M. G.
no – where is the jaunty eyebrowed clippy, Joline?!
“Would you like–” “Yes, Clippy! Assist me! Assist me HARD!”
Someone engineered her breasts. Huh.
I feel like I should be making hilarious side comments but there is nothing I can say here that is more hilarious than the ACTUAL TEXT.
yeah Joline, engineered apparently an author who has NEVER ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH AN ACTUAL FEMALE
Right. Because in this world, computer chips are mined out of the ground. Breasts, however: engineered.
I’m really glad the author is keeping to Clippy’s personality. “He sprung forward, bounced into the hair, and landed inside Christine’s lady-socket.”
yeah Joline, engineered apparently by an author who has NEVER ACTUALLY HAD SEX WITH AN ACTUAL FEMALE
I keep being rendered speechless by this. WHAT DO YOU EVEN SAY.
maybe that’s what Intel actually makes.
If she were also a cyborg, that would explain a few things.
Like it would explain why it’s a “lady socket” and not a vagina and why she can give glowing metal a blow job without injury.
Doesn’t explain the bra, though.
She’s enjoying him inside her, and he says, “It looks like you are trying to reach orgasm. Can I assist you using butt stuff?”
Seriously – who hears the term “lady socket” and thinks – hot! My readers will really get into that.
Although….I have a feeling we are not the target market here.
And… now he’s unstrung himself and is using both ends of the paper clip to do all the bits. “He got his ed to vibrate like an Xbox controller…”
Because WE ALL KNOW HOW GREAT THAT FEELS, AM I RIGHT???
Apparently it does the job, because she achieves her orgasm and now “Clippy’s eyes whirred shut with pleasure.”
This is surely intended to be hilarious rather than sexy. Surely. SURELY.
Hey – I will say at least Leonard has made an attempt at using the non-human elements in the sex act. I will not get over the Unicorn horn not being used in that Biker Unicorn erotica.
And, Christie is now officially the only monster erotic heroine to have this thought, “She hoped this didn’t make her pregnant AGAIN.” (Does this mean she had baby Tetris blocks????)
excellent point Joline
I’d say we’ve got more evidence that she’s a cyborg. I mean, if a machine can knock you up…
“Both of them shuddered with pleasure, then Clippy uncurled out of her. He was so deep that it sounded like shl-shl-shl-schloop! as he came out. A bit of a silver liquid, like that mercury stuff that used to be in thermometers, dripped from Christie’s love-port.”
love port. (vagina)
“Thank you for your assistance,” she said.
How? How is that a sentence? How did you write that Leonard?
And by “mercury stuff” he means you know, actual mercury
Mercury in contact with your mucous membranes sounds like the worst idea ever.
Oh, hey, turns out Phil is alive after all. He’s the robot, you guys!
Wait? Phil’s a robot?
going out on a limb here – but I can’t think that even the target market of basement dwellers who have never had sex with a 2nd party before are going to get their rocks off to this.
Was this some elaborate alien set up specific to blogger Christie?
wait what robot?
I’m just going to predict again that Christie is also a robot.
And it turns out this was some kind of set up to get the word out about how awesome Microsoft… er whatever the fake name is. But Christie is INDEPENDENT. She has been duped and will tell the world.
Oh dear, Clippy has let out an evil laugh and manages to get to the internet to cause more mischief. “Humanity needed his assistance.”
THE END. Another horror story! What even!??
You know, if it was a generic paper clip I could almost see it, but that it’s a specific virtual paperclip… that makes it pretty hard to suspend belief.
Wait wait wait. The purpose of this whole interaction was to convince people to like the Microsoft Office Assistant?
wait how was this whole thing supposed to advance MicroHARD’s rep??
Yes, apparently, because Clippy is so HOT in bed (see what I did there), everyone would want him.
So back in the day I remember a lot of discussion of Clippy and how the Microsoft staff (including Bill) were convinced that everyone would love him, and they were shocked at how people hated him.
Never fear, true believers, we have been told at the beginning of Christie’s amazing INDEPENDENCE. She is a truthful blogger.
And after rolling him out they spent a long time trying to get people to like him.
Apparently this, then, is the True Story of Clippy.
Apparently they just hadn’t experienced his business end. Ends.
I hated Clippy from the moment his sneering face and obnoxious eyebrows popped up on my screen. Nothing was going to change that.
Yikes. And he’s an alien. So there’s that, too.
Sexytimes Clippy would not have sold me on him.
I feel like I just had a bad acid trip or s/thing with this whole story
Well, “alien” vs. “created by Microsoft” — which is less sexy?
Both is pretty horrifying. I may have to go bleach my love port.
So, here’s the thing – Clippy has been gone for a long time. So what inspired this story? Or! Was this story sitting in Leonard’s drawer just waiting for the self-publishing revolution?
Or maybe my lady-socket.
Also – I’m going to draw the line at: you can have bad/zero plot if the sexytime bits are good, but you cannot have BOTH terrible nonsense plot AND the sexytime is awful.
This seems to be an alternate history. No one has a MICROSOFT Smartphone. Certainly not version 8.1.
Agreed. Bad world building plus awkward lady bits (vagina) is not my recipe for success.
Windows smartphones are a thing. I may even know someone who has one. Possibly. I’m not 100% sure.
I have a suspicion that the term lady-socket is going to enter my mind at incredibly inopportune moments in the future. Damn you, Leonard.
Just going to throw that in my writing/tweeting at random. (vagina)
Really? Okay, how about a silicon geyser? What about that??
Ladysockets and silicon geysers are allowed in erotica where ALL the parties are robots, I think.
Especially with mercury… erm, afters.
I sure hope Christie doesn’t get pregnant.
I think we may be out of words for this one. I mean. Wow.
I would make a condom joke here but … you shouldn’t need a condom when having sex with a paperclip, I’m sorry, that’s like needing to worry about contraception when using a sex toy, right? I just.
Dear Christie: if you’re really worried, go and get a morning after pill and then brush up on basic biology.
And then earth science and physics, omfg.
Yeah – I’m officially out of words.
This liveblog software needs a like button.
And with that, we end our exploration of the disturbing sex life of Clippy. Join us next time for more unlikely monster erotica liveblogging!