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Story Time Live-Blogging: ‘A Cruzmas Carol: Ted Cruz Takes A Dickens Of A Constitutional’

  Bitter Staff /   December 22, 2015 /   Endings /   1 Comment

Murdering two pear-tree partridges with one stone by marrying the holidays with current U.S. electoral politics, this installation of our irregularly regular feature of live-blogging erotica of questionable taste centers on ‘A Cruzmas Carol: Ted Cruz Takes a Dickens of a Constitutional.’

Join us, Tuesday December 22 at 9am Central, to brave discussion of activities and people that should have remained not only unwritten, but unthought.

 

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:00 am

I’m a little nervous. There are SEVEN chapters to this thing.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:01 am

It starts off well.  Chapter 1: The Lonely Oyster.  “Feeling fresher and looking cooler than a head of iceberg lettuce on the first day of harvest, Senator Ted Cruz walked into the back room of the exclusive D.C. establishment Fizzywhigs, scanning the room for pussy.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:01 am

Ok Lyda – I’ve steeled myself best I can, let’s do this

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:01 am

Apparently it’s Ted’s retirement party and our hero feels this entitles him to “get his dick wetter than Neptune’s.”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:01 am

Our hero wants out of Washington politics because of partisan gridlock and the fact that everything has basically gone on a “downhill slide inaugurated immediately after the Declaration of Independence in 1776.”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:02 am

He walks into the room saying “What’s up y’all” in that “honeydew Texas drawl he’d picked up at Princeton…

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:02 am

Catching the eye of Roberta, the staffer who booked Fizzywhigs for him and who he had been “crushing on for years,” he wonders if it’s on.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:02 am

wow – well no circumspection in this story!

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:03 am

OMG THERE ARE ILLUSTRATIONS.  They’re hard to describe, but they’re done in woodcut style, like an old-timey Christmas book. I AM VERY AFRAID.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:03 am

Now he ruminates on why he’s leaving office.  He’s got his eye on “a high-paying K Street consult gig.”  He wants to be a tank driver at a think tank, “just like that dreamboat-for-freedom Brad Pitt in the movie Fury.”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:04 am

But he admits he’s not much for the actual thinking part.  Instead he plans to write the occasional policy paper, “…cribbed from Ayn Rand or Henry Kissinger’s Wikipedia pages…”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:04 am

He fantasizes about  how great this will be and stuffing money into his “stylish Brooks Brother’s pants pockets that bulged now on either side of his immense and thickening manhood.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:05 am

I appreciate Ted’s self-honesty on the non-thinking part

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:05 am

Right? 

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:05 am

The party begins with a cheer at their newly arrived man of the hour.  Glasses clink.  Our love interest Robert who is described as a “raven-haired, pale skinned beauty from Yale Law.” with “wide hips like a fertility goddess,” whines that he’s leaving her.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:06 am

More weird illustrations. This one of a turn of the last century woman in period clothes…? (I’m very baffled by the inclusion of these.  Not feeling it.  Also terrified of a potential woodcut depicting a sexual act.)

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:06 am

He and Roberta have some banter about how he’s leaving her (he insists he’s not, he’ll only be down the street) but she pulls out the big guns (as it were) and says he’s leaving his “…constituents.  Your fellow Americans” who need him.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:07 am

His response is pure Scrooge: “Bah!”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:07 am

wishing for a screen cap of one of those illustrations…let me see…

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:07 am

She insists that America needs him and lays her hand on his.  “…she might as well have shot lightning from her nipples through her pantsuit and electrocuted him to death with sexual electricity…”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:08 am

not gonna lie – no flow with that line.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:08 am

And yet he manages another “Bah.”  And so our desperate heroine does what any patriot would do in this situation.  She coos (“like a lioness”) “Is there… ANYTHING I can do… to PERSUADE you to stay in the public sector?”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:09 am

It gets weirder…. At this Ted’s “President Johnson hardened with utmost urgency, as did President Johnson after the Gulf of Tonkin incident….”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:10 am

And weirder… “… [his “President Johnson”] pressed against the underside of the table.  That’s how big it was.  Big as a Texas bull.The table lifted from the floor every so slightly and wobbled as if they were at a seance.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:10 am

I’m still stuck on the fact that Ted Cruz is retiring to protest gridlock.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:10 am

Calling your dick “President Johnson” when you’re a politician is actually pretty hilarious.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:10 am

It’s a fantasy, Naomi!

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:11 am

More political sexing: He stares at the tempting offer of Roberta and imagines doing her: “How wonderful it would to be quarter my soldiers in thine thatched hut, Yankee wench, ‘gainst thine wishes.”  Alas, he holds back because, “I have to leave.  I never really cared about politics.  It’s all just a bunch of… hooey.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:11 am

In my fantasies about Ted Cruz, he gets eaten by a velociraptor.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:11 am

This makes Roberta sob. “Full-bodied.”  “Her tits went up and down like hydraulic pumps.” (Because that’s sexy?)

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:11 am

That is a fantasy I’ll concur with, Naomi!

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:12 am

Hydraulic pumps – so hot right now.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:12 am

Oh… Roberta is going into such drama because “Timmy” needs Ted to stay in politics.   Apparently this moves him:  “Ted was feeling really hot now.  Something in his gut warbled.  Was that his heart–his stone dead heart coming to life?”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:12 am

Timmy is not explained, however.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:13 am

Instead she goes on that she wants him to run forever “so that the American government stays out of people’s lives.”  He’s like, yeah, okay, but what did you mean about PERSUADING me???  And this is followed by the description that she is a rare beauty, “this Buffalo Nickel of a dime.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:13 am

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:13 am

I was going to ask. Maybe she’s a superhot single mom and he’s her kid.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:13 am

They snuggle up and the word shrinks to just the two of them… “alone on a lifeboat in the middle of Chesapeake Bay.” She eats an oyster and tells him that “seafood is an aphrodisiac.”  And they FINALLY kiss.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:13 am

That’s one of the woodcut illustrations, fwiw…

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:13 am

Is that one of the actual woodcuts in the book?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:13 am

It’s a good kiss and almost persuades him to stay, but he needs a little more, so he asks her charms she’s got up her sleeve.  She says: “Your Washington Monument.”  … “Up my Washington Wizards Sleeve.”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:14 am

YES.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:14 am

And… he doesn’t seem to get it.  “Surely this repartee was leading somewhere…” but now someone is standing over them  Two suits have shown up: one Tucker McCann-Blandstein and Allagash Greenwood, Jr.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:14 am

I would like that better if it were “Your Washington Monument…in my reflecting pool.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:14 am

NAOMI WHY AREN’T YOU WRITING EROTICA

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:14 am

This is why you’re a REAL writer, Naomi.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:15 am

Now Ted wonders if knows these guys and can’t remember. Allagash wants to tell him his “non-filibuster filibuster” was a thing of genius.  In light of all this praise, Roberta is forgotten.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:15 am

OH MY GOD WHERE IS THE SMUT???

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:15 am

Now, see, there is stuff here I find hilariously plausible.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:15 am

1. Ted Cruz is thicker than a foot-tall plate of pancakes.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:15 am

So… these two start talking him into running for president, but he gets all principled and tells them to scat “ ‘fore I get a thirst for the cholesterol-filled blood of plutocrats!”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:16 am

2. Ted Cruz is instantly distracted from sexytimes flirting by people showing up to flatter him.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:16 am

3. Ted Cruz talks like someone off Hee Haw even in his private life.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:16 am

They laugh and say “Oh, Ted. Don’t be such a Tedbeneezer Scruz.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:16 am

GROAN

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:16 am

That’s solid logic, Naomi

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:17 am

That pun needs to be taken out and shot and then buried in an unmarked grave.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:17 am

Now Ted is feeling… kind of sick, I guess?  He thinks maybe he should go to the men’s room.  Roberta wants to meet him there.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:17 am

Ooh – nothing to build up sexytime chemistry like “oh I feel sick, please join me in the restroom…”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:17 am

He’s like, yeah, no not a good idea.  He apparently is really sick.  “Something nasty was coming up.”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:18 am

This story… I don’t know where it is going or for how long.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:18 am

HIS WITHERED SOUL.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:18 am

HE’S GOING TO VOMIT IT UP AND BE RID OF IT FOREVER.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:18 am

Okay, but he “Hussein-Bolted through the crowd to the bathroom… And to destiny.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:18 am

Naomi – if only, for real.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:19 am

End Chapter One and beginning Chapter 2: Fat Magic.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:19 am

“Hussein-Bolted” ???

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:19 am

Maybe someone could go on an impossible quest to find Ted Cruz’s soul, Dick Cheney’s heart, George Bush’s brain…

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:19 am

He’s burst into the bathroom “terror in his veins like Robespierre.”  Three stalls, all occupied.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:20 am

Feeling the need for a sobering between-chapters shot of whiskey.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:20 am

This would be a reasonable time to puke in a urinal, dude.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:20 am

So he’s begging to be let in and a voice comes from beside him, “Not feeling so hot, Teddy Boy?” IT’S KARL ROVE.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:21 am

tell me again how the prospect of retching is supposed to be sexy?

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:21 am

Oh! New idea! Puke ON Karl Rove!

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:21 am

Cruz then wonders why Karl Rove is there “aren’t you dead? Politically, I mean?” 

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:21 am

Vomit is super duper not my thing but if you’re puking on Karl Rove I might be willing to go with it!

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:21 am

OMG is Karl Rove Marley’s Ghost? This is not working for me as  Christmas Carol rip-off, btw.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:22 am

Turns out Karl isn’t there as an attendee but a bathroom attendant.  WHAT? WHAT IS THIS STORY? WILL IT NEVER GET SEXY??

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:22 am

Okay, he’s maybe supposed to be the ghost of Marley?  because he says “He’s dead as a doornail in this town.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:23 am

IF ONLY.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:23 am

And… “Am I hallucinating?” [asks Ted] “Is it the oyster or are you… not wearing pants?”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:23 am

ohright – this whole premise is supposed to be A Christmas Carol-y

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:24 am

Oh, he is Marley because he reminds Ted they were partners in the whole “pulling the rug out from underneath Gore in ’00.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:24 am

please tell me Ted and Karl are going to get it on

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:24 am

Ted is like, right, but why don’t you have pants? (A SOLID QUESTION.)

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:25 am

Apparently, Rove can’t afford pants.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:25 am

how the mighty have fallen.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:26 am

Have they gotten it on yet?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:26 am

Rove is like I’m an object lesson. Do something with your life or you’ll end up pants less in the bathroom handing out poporri soaps.  And Ted is all, forget you, “I’m going to vomit up this oyster and then I’m going to bone Roberta…” and go to K Street.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:27 am

Is the pantslessness supposed to be randomly sexy because there are all sorts of logistical problems.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:27 am

way to stay on-task, Ted.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:27 am

There’s a weird interaction with a moist towelette and a suddenly magically empty stall.  Ted pukes.  

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:27 am

Wow, this story.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:27 am

Also you can find very inexpensive pants if you try.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:27 am

you can find free pants if you try.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:28 am

Also, seeing Karl Rove in a bathroom without pants would be the visual equivalent of a cold shower.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:28 am

I’m trying to skim ahead here.  This is so weird, apparently Ted takes a moist towelette after and it magically becomes bigger?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:28 am

I don’t know what is happening.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:28 am

He is the opposite of sexy. 

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:29 am

It’s going to turn into a ghost of Something Past.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:29 am

Maybe it’ll be the Ghost of Sexytimes Past.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:30 am

Now Ted laments that his President Johnson has softened.  He hears another voice. “Hey if you’re going to jerk the chicken, why don’t you just stuff it in here, big fella?”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:30 am

I feel like we should have like vital-signs monitors on Lyda and EMTs on-call during these sessions just to make sure she doesn’t suffer a stroke or aneurysm or such as the one who’s reading the actual text…

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:31 am

There’s apparently a glory hole…. and Ted is super not interested but instead demands to know who is talking.  It’s the “Bathroom Attendant of Consitutionality Past.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:32 am

I need more coffee to even parse that.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:32 am

also – did the moist towelette become bigger or his President Johnson?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:32 am

Ted’s no fool. He knows this is just “that Idaho Senator dude from the airport bathroom or whatever.”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:32 am

The towellete, but why I don’t know.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:32 am

Naomi – there’s not enough coffee in the world to parse that

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:32 am

Okay, but now Ted is locked in this bathroom.  Magically.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:32 am

next to Senator Wide Stance.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:33 am

The glory hole voice tells him that he’s sorry, but “through here is the only way out.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:33 am

Side note: I learned yesterday that you can visit Senator Wide Stance’s actual stall of ill-repute:
http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/16535

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:34 am

The glory hole begins to glow.  “and to the sounds of teeny-tiny fife and drum (John Phillips Sousa meets Spike Jones) and a radiant blast of magical light, Ted’s thang and his entire body was sucked through the other side.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:34 am

Well, it’s the men’s room. They’d look at me funny if I went in there. 

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:34 am

Sucked through penis first? that sounds painful.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:35 am

I think this is going to be about as much sex as we’re going to get, but I’ll keep reading.  In hopes.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:35 am

Everything about this story is trying to hit sexytime notes and making me wince instead.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:35 am

ha – they would NOT look funny at me if I went in there, getting misgendered regularly as I do. Who knew that would actually come in handy one day!

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:36 am

Chapter 3: Snowbird.  He’s rematerialized in another bathroom stall, the next one over.  He could hear the toilet still running.  Apparently, Rove’s towelette had clogged the thing.”

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:36 am

Hey, I heard Ted Cruz was having sex somewhere, and the more I know about that, the better!

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:36 am

yeah the wince-worthiness of this story is heading for being on par with that lesbian werewolf lactation consultant story…

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:36 am

He’s about to zip his pants up or, as the author put it, “sheath his saber.” But a voice tells him to leave it out.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:36 am

I keep thinking, “there is nothing less sexy than [whatever]” and then they outdo themselves.

A clogged toilet. Nothing less sexy than a clogged toilet.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:37 am

There’s a talking turkey.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:37 am

I can’t even any more with this story.

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:37 am

Sidebar: I just had my first sugar plum cookie and it was delicious. I thought sugar plums were their own thing but they’re just…sugared plums. I hope I don’t end up seeing this one again.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:37 am

“…big-breasted, brown, a glorious, mottled fantail posterior and a radiant, red gullet like that of an old man’s balls after a lengthy sauna session.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:38 am

Kylo – this is apparently the least sexy sexytime story you will ever know

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:38 am

There is nothing less sexy than a talking turkey.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:38 am

Turkey says, “I said ‘leave it out,’ dude. Turkey likey.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:38 am

well – I’m glad the turkey on the cover played into the story somehow.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:39 am

Nothing less sexy than vomit, pantsless Karl Rove, being pulled through a glory hole dick first, a clogged toilet, or a talking turkey that wants to stare at your dick.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:39 am

wait – “turkey likey” was an actual quote?

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:39 am

well naomi when you put it like that….

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:39 am

There’s also a penguin on the cover. That implies we’re getting a visit from a penguin later. Also an eagle. 

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:39 am

The turkey is dressed in the Fizzywhigs blazer for some reason.  And the turkey explains that he really is the Bathroom Attendant of Constitutionality Past, because they used a feather from his ass to sign the Declaration of Independence. Plus, he was supposed to be the national bird.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:40 am

and flags…which were cut off somewhat in my screenshot. because I’m a communist.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:40 am

There is a woodcut illustration labeled “turkey likey.” I officially hate my life.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:41 am

The turkey is about to take him on a magical adventure and I’m damn sure it does NOT involve avian sex.

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:41 am

Please tell me there’s some kind of gobble pun happening. Is there no justice in the political pornlit world?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:42 am

Not so far, Kylo.  All of a sudden, they’re flying over Washington, D.C. “swirled through the skies, going commando like Air Force Rangers, dangling above the monuments and the Mall.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:42 am

kylo – wurd.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:42 am

More weird illustrations of flying turkeys with the caption, “Check this shit out”

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:43 am

Lyda, it feels weird to say this, but I’m on board so far

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:43 am

The turkey has flown Ted to his childhood him.  

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:43 am

Ted attempts to speak to his mother but the turkey schools him with “are you an asshole or do you not know how this works? No one can hear you.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:43 am

Canada?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:44 am

Turkey is a serious trash talker.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:44 am

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:44 am

Yes, we’re in “the house the company rented to his family outside of Calgary.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:44 am

that’s the only other illustration from the book I have access to…

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:45 am

We see little Ted in his bed… “the blanket went up and down in a repetitive motion that should have been obvious to anyone”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:45 am

Mom busts in an yells at it for being at it again.

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:45 am

He’s fixing the cable?

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:46 am

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:46 am

Oh no is this…no. Is this about to go there

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:47 am

Geez, lady. Leave your kid to jerk off in peace. It’s not like he’s doing it at the dinner table.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:47 am

It turns out no. He was writing!  He was writing “We the people…”

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:47 am

Oh hell no. I didn’t pay $2.99 for a poorly written civics lesson

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:48 am

She’s saying look, you need to stop being so anti-Canada.  And starts trying to make him write the Canadian Constitution Act of 1867.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:48 am

Harsh, Mom.

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:48 am

I want action, Lacey Noonan. You call yourself a biopornographer?

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:49 am

Wait, Ted Cruz was a kid in 1867?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:49 am

He screams, “Why do you hate freedom and pure, unregulated markets mother, eh?” (Good use of “eh”)

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:49 am

Yeah, I hate to break it to you guys that there is no porn so far.  NOT ONE LICK. (See what I did there.)

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:49 am

This would be amusing if it hadn’t been marketed as porn. It was marketed as porn, right?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:49 am

No, mom just wants him to write the Canadian thingie.

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:51 am

Ted can’t even get laid in fiction

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:51 am

And yet, I get this image to never unsee: “The turkey was behind [Ted’s] young mother, feathering his ghost turkey wings per her body like French ticklers.  He was grinding his turkey hips on her and gobbling seductively, “What’s up Mrs. C.? Turkey’s feeling perky.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:51 am

Maybe this is just the Ted Cruz version of Sweet Valley High

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:51 am

is there a woodcut for that?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:52 am

Ted yells at the turkey to stop and so ends the chapter.  We have THREE more chapters left. (And, no, no woodcut.  Though for some reason we get a woodcut of a windmill in the snow.)

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:52 am

Why why why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:52 am

Should I keep going? I mean, I do not think anyone is getting laid in this story.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:53 am

Can you skip to the very last chapter?

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:53 am

Does the turkey have its own book? I’d read that

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:53 am

Presumably if any sex happens it’ll be there?

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:54 am

Concur with the skipping to last chapter

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:54 am

I’m all in, this is great

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:54 am

I will skim.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:54 am

Or we could throw in the towel on the grounds that it’s been an hour and all we’ve gotten is pantslsess Karl Rove and a turkey that hits on Ted’s mom.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:54 am

I mean ffs we don’t have all day, Ms Noonan

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:54 am

Right, for the list: nothing is less sexy than a lacivious talking turkey hitting on your mom.

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:54 am

There’s so much potential here.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:55 am

Well, next chapter continues the turkey reviewing Ted’s life. We get Ted meeting Ken Star at some legendary kegger at law office.  (There is a wood cut of this.)

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:55 am

Nothing is less sexy than Ken Starr at a kegger. Or anywhere else.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:56 am

Turkey tries it on with Kenneth Starr, too, with the line, “You know, Kenny, I’m mostly dark meat. Well, at least where it counts, anyway.”

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:56 am

I was hoping this book would be an actual Cruz fan fap fest, but it seems more a Ted Cruz lampooning perspective.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:56 am

Also, if we’re doing a sexytimes tour of Washington Past, WHERE IS BILL CLINTON? I mean, the answer should be “everywhere!”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:56 am

Chapter 5 is called: Chubb Rock.

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:57 am

Like…the rapper?

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:57 am

What the hell

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:57 am

This chapter appears to start back up in the now, but things are terribly wrong.  The toilet has flooded al of Fizzywhigs.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:57 am

solid point re: Clinton, Naomi

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:58 am

Ken Starr: so not sexy. http://doarivri.com/brazosvalleyblog/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/17801.jpg

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:58 am

flooding toilets: THE OPPOSITE OF SEXY.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:58 am

Okay, but it’s all still dreaming time.  Because now he’s sucked back through the glory hole and is confronted with a bald eagle.  

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:58 am

natch.

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:58 am

I think we’ve been catfished.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:58 am

Did we ditch the turkey?

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 20159:59 am

*turkeybirded

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 20159:59 am

This one is the Bathroom Attendant of Constitutionality Present.  Who has eaten the turkey character from the previous chapter.  Because… wow, dead birds are always sexy.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:59 am

Also, if he’s unconcious next to a flooding toilet, maybe he’ll drown in a pool of human waste? 

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 20159:59 am

I’d rather he get eaten by a velociraptor, mind you.

tinlizzy December 22, 20159:59 am

omg we’re only in the present, the future is still yet to come

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 201510:00 am

He draws his powers from human waste. He’s about to become SuperCruz.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:00 am

Now they’re off an flying, “into the night like a Cruz missile.” (You knew that pun was coming, only I thought it would be in reference to SEX, myself)

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:00 am

WAIT. I was joking about eaten by velociraptors but a character actually got eaten by a raptor! That’s … weirdly less satisfying than I’d thought it would be, because it wasn’t Ted who got eaten. 

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:01 am

Yeah, the only thing of note is that we now know that Timmy is Roberta’s son who was FORCED TO GO ON GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS. (Oh noz!)

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:01 am

Timmy has a pre-existing condition.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:01 am

I would lay odds that Cruz makes “Cruz Missile” puns about his penis for real. And I wouldn’t even begrudge him that. I mean. 

Kylo MacLachRen December 22, 201510:01 am

gov’t handjobs? we’re writing this on the fly better than the actual author

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:02 am

I kind of wish we had time for more of this because Timmy is hilarious.  He really wants to not go on a handout, because, “an individual mandate is a species of tyranny.” 

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:02 am

always how it is, isn’t it Timmy? Good for the goose, but not the gander, amiright??

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:03 am

or the turkey. or eagle, or whatever.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:03 am

Does Timmy actually have a solution to the problem of people with pre-existing conditions that doesn’t involve a mandate OR straight-up socialized medicine?

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:04 am

We move to another scene, a sinister one, with Obama unfurling “his secret prayer mat” and he lay on the floor facing east.  Luckily we also get the wood cut “the eagle shat on them all.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:04 am

Because since he HAS a pre-existing condition I would assume that his solution is not “we should just die, like nature and God obviously intended.”

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:04 am

excellent use of “shat”

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:05 am

I’m not sure I have the fortitude, i.e. actual time in my day, to persist to the bitter end of this wretched non-erotic caper…

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:05 am

Chapter 6 is called “Yuppers.” and starts with Ted back in the flooded Fizzywhigs complaint that he can’t swim.  And now Ted is trying to get through the glory hole again only he can’t and a bunch of Buzzards are literally trying to eat him.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:06 am

They are the Enemies of the State.  Obivously the future we’ll get without Ted Cruz as president.

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:06 am

Naomi you were incredibly prescient with your hope of Ted getting eaten by some kind of raptors

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:07 am

Sadly I bet he doesn’t get eaten all the way to DEATH.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:07 am

The end is Ted waking up in a pool of vomit deciding he will run for president.  “There was still time! Yes! He would run!  Run he would for the presidency!”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:07 am

I bet he just gets nipped a bit and whines some.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:08 am

Oh, and this is the sex we get (Roberta, happy with this decision is very excited), “They made love on the table and then the table sank slowly below the rising waves.”  (Apparently the place really is flooded.)

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:08 am

THE END.

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:09 am

I feel rooked.

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:09 am

Or, turkeyed.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:09 am

(Looks up Amazon link.) LACEY NOONAN YOU ARE DEAD TO ME. DEAD. DEAAAAAAAAAAD.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:10 am

I’m sure Timmy would remind us that this is one of the perils of the capitalist system.  You get what you pay for.

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:10 am

Thanks Lyda for being the actual reader of this session’s wretched writing – which was more wretched-er than usual.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:10 am

Maybe I will write some erotica. It will involve Bill Clinton boning someone in the Senate Dining Room and then velociraptors arriving to eat all the politicians I don’t like.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:11 am

Woodcuts.  I may not recover.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:11 am

Hahahaha! Yes, Naomi! DO IT.

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:11 am

as long as it’s not in a pool of human waste, I’m in Naomi!

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:11 am

“More!” she gasped, watching as the raptors stripped flesh and sinew from the bones of Karl Rove and Dick Cheney.

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:12 am

Stop, I’m getting hot.  If only I had a president Johnson, I’m sure it would be doing a thing right now.  A POLITICAL thing.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:12 am

A jolt of erotic electricity shot through her as if she’d grasped a high-voltage line. She wasn’t sure if it was Bill Clinton’s magical dick, or if it was watching the velociraptors disembowel Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker that was doing it for her.

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:13 am

Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann came running in, shrieking something about abortion or Alaska, and a passing pterodactyl bit off both their heads with a single “crunch.”

Naomi Kritzer December 22, 201510:13 am

“Yes!” she moaned. “Yes, yes, yes!”

Lyda Morehouse December 22, 201510:13 am

That is some serious sexy talk, girl.

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:13 am

Your true talents are arising.

tinlizzy December 22, 201510:15 am

And with that – we’re calling “Scene” on today’s endevours of erotica live-blogging. Next time we’ll bring more sexytime, and less turkey!

Filed Under: Endings Tagged With: A Cruzmas Carol, erotica, erotica live blog, ted cruz

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