In which we explore the absurdity of “Space Raptor Butt Invasion” getting a Hugo nomination.
Public radio has its erudite book forums and discussions on Louise Erdrich and Jonathan Franzen, while Bitter Empire brings you sci-fi/fantasy/monster erotica. You might consider a sustaining membership to support us…
Well, I have to say that this one actually starts with more of a plot than we’ve seen from Tingle before.
I mean – do not get me wrong, I would enjoy Michel Martin and Brooke Gladstone leading a round table discussion on the phone book, but they aren’t going to liveblog Chuck Tingle books are they?
We have our hero talking to a “fellow astronaut” about how lonely space is and we get the backstory that he’s stationed around a distant star.
Zorbus.
And our hero is sad because Officer Pike used to be his partner and now budget cuts have torn them apart.
Oh, and this is pretty SF, actually. The reason we’re checking out this new planet is because of Earth’s population explosion.
Oh! Our hero’s name is “Lance.”
Okay, we’re several paragraphs in and it’s getting all “science-y” our hero is discussion how they’re “terraforming this dust” to make the planet more habitable.
I appreciate totally appropriate names like that in my erotica
Wait, the star is Zorbus?
Okay, now before Pike leaves he’s going to play ping-pong with Lance.
Zorbus is a totally spacey name
Oh, but it’s interrupted. And, yes, I think the star is Zorbus (might be the planet.)
The set-up seems to be that “space can get a little strange.. people can start seeing things.” I’m guessing we’re getting an erotic hallucination soon. FINGERS CROSSED.
SPACE MADNESS
OMG though so Lance is in an actual space suit and walking on a terraformed planet talking about how much he loves bounding around in “low gravity.”
And… now our hero has just spotted someone who shouldn’t be there, another space suited figure in the distance…. or has he?
The figure quickly disappeared from sight and so poor Lance is already wondering if he’s “space crazy.”
Oh, and look at Lance, he’s all science fiction-y and has asked “Computer” to confirm if he’s the only earthling around. (Answer is yes.)
Kind of disappointed that Computer doesn’t have a swankier name
Lance goes inside and collapses on the couch. (I’m really glad that NASA sent comfy furniture.) Then he wakes up to knocking on the air-lock door.
And yeah, computer is just called “computer.” V. sad. Sort of like the unicorn horn. A disappointment.
Lance, apparently never having seen any horror film ever, decides to open the door.
LANCE THIS IS AN ALIEN PLANET YOU DON’T JUST OPEN DOORS
The alien (or whatever it’s going to be) seems nice though, they chat a little and it actually says, “Oh, you’re from… Earth? We should talk. May I come in?”
Wow – I feel like there’s some very heavy subtext going on there
Lance, despite his better judgement, or maybe because he thinks it’s rude to have someone standing outside an air-lock LETS THE ‘UNKNOWN SPACEMAN’ INSIDE.
Oh, and now we’re face to face with….
…..
“There behind the tinted glass is the smiling face of a voracious velocoraptor….”
Lance is all, “Whoa, you’re a dinosaur!” Dude is all, “Yep.”
kinda presumptuous to call someone “voracious” at first sight
Oh it’s getting more crazy. Velocoraptor dude is very chill and is surprised to find Lance here because he was told the planet was inhabited.
Apparently he heard this from the raptor scientists… on… EARTH TWO.
It’s getting freaky here.
Raptor explains that he’s from an alternate dimension where there was no dinosaur extinction on earth.
Raptor is super sad and seems lonely so our hero, in pure Tingle fashion say, “Oh, I mean, we’re both up here together, I can’t see why we can’t hang out a bit.”
nice! that makes my heart grow 3 sizes to think the dinos may be out there in some other dimension
classic Tingle set-up
You know, play a little Ping-Pong.
like you do
Okay, and now we get a flash forward, Orion (our dino pal) is stopping buy to hang out over the next few days. “Despite being a bloodthirsty dinosaur carnivore, Orion is actually incredibly sweet and has a truly gentle soul.”
Oh, Lance is feeling attracted. But is all, “NO HOMO” and says, “Our difference in species surely couldn’t classify me as gay, could it?”
More forward flashing and we’re really getting to know Orion over the months. (?? Seriously, what?)
So there hasn’t been any actual butt-pounding yet?
Oh, it’s a set up so Lance can be all casual and ask, “You ever wonder what it would be like to fuck a human?”
Orion is all, “Yeah, I mean, who hasn’t?”
god Lance, took you long enough
Dino is all, gee I think I’d crush a human woman, what being a dinosaur and all. Lance is super-smooth with the, “Well, what about a human MAN????”
Orion is up for it! Though Lance really needs assurances that this super does NOT make him gay, right?
Totally not gay, the raptor assures him, even though the dino “would have to be in control, dominating, even.”
This makes Lance sigh, “cock rock hard in my pants.”
Dino now orders Lance to his knees! (Here we go!)
they’re not in space suits still are they?
We’ve had the order to ‘unzip’ the “space pants.” (I think we’re supposed to imagine something shiny, I’m not sure.)
I’d really like to see more use of the low gravity. Again, like the unicorn horn.
oh I’m thinking 80s silver lamee (lamay? lame?)
although, I guess you probably don’t want your dingle hanging out on an alien planet.
Dino is into dirty talk and wants Lance to repeat he’s a dirty little human as he removes “Orion’s enormous raptor rod” from his space pants.
Oh major creative moment for Tingle. We are being treated to a hand job first. (Wow, no wonder this was Hugo nom. worthy!)
It’s a brave new world.
The only way in which the raptor is different, sexually speaking, is that his “length” is scaly.
Oh, and in another branch out, Tingle’s protag. is not automatically excellent at deep throating, “his swollen cock hits that back of my gag reflex and I retch loudly.”
But this allows Orion to be all dom and say, “You’re gonna take that dinosaur dick and like it!”
“My people have been fucking for billions of years before you human were even around.” (Tough talk.)
Luckily, Lance is a quick learner and he’s got “my head pressed deep into his lap and nose forced up against his rock hard reptile abs.”
I guess it’s better than if the dinosaur had the duck penis.
I’m glad, like busses, reptiles have abs.
Now all I can think about is whether dinosaurs have abs.
OMG Tingle is actually thinking about lube.
Once Orion lets Lance up for air, he climbs onto Orion’s lap and uses “the leftover spit from my mouth as lube.”
This is… is this really Chuck Tingle???
Perhaps Tingle has been reading our critiques
It seems Lance got a little uppity and, taking his shirt off, asked if Orion wanted to fuck him and so the dino threw him down on the couch and told him that he gets to decide who does the fucking. (Which wasn’t really the question, but whatever.)
Joline – I soooo wish there was duck penis involved
There is some “aligning” of members with puckered holes and some begging for discipline.
It’s a missed opportunity for both realism and added insanity.
I do appreciate some good “aligning” in the bedroom.
But, you know, that goes quickly, as it does, and now we’re to the “pounding into me at a steady pace, shaking the couch beneath me with every slam against my ass.”
They’re pounding hard enough to scoot the couch across the room (which is a great image, frankly. This man needs a Hugo.)
again – thanks to NASA for sending comfy furniture! *blessed*
Lance can now feel “the pleasant sensation of a prostate orgasm blossoming deep within me.”
And he finally admits it! “I’m laying on my back on the couch now with my legs spread aid, completely open and exposed like that filthy gay boy that I am.”
I agree, this totally sounds like the kind of good old family values our science fiction should get back to.
well only a gay boy would categorize his orgasm as “blossoming”
Okay, so Lance give in and shoots his wad, but the raptor still sets a punishing pace. So Lance gets to shout “Fuck me harder!”
well and some really high-quality science in the sci portion of sci-fi
Oh, this a perfect bit of poetry, “You’ve been a very bad astronaut… so you’re going to take my Jurassic load up your asshole and you’re going to like it.”
Well yes, what with the dinosaur abs from Earth Two
frankly this whole damn thing would be for naught if “Jurassic” wasn’t worked in there somewhere
There is some begging and then everyone cums agains and congratulations all around, “Fuck that was incredible,” Orion tells me.
On to the happy ending, as Lance says, “I think the next year here is going to work out just fine.”
High-fives everyone!
Exhausted panting on the NASA couch, but close enough.
I’m so weirdly happy NASA sends couches, guys, I don’t even know why.
In book two, officer pike returns and kills Orion, assuming he was a viscous predator, and then lance must kill his friend.
I really appreciate Lance’s smooth transition from NO HOMO to TOTES HOMO
OH NOS!
SO HOMO
I mean that’s how it was for me – I was all no homo until I was all ohai yep totes homo
I am a little worried about the violently named Officer Pike coming (as it were) back for book 2.
JOLINE THAT IS A BRIDGE TOO FAR
Yeah, this is a super-accurate representation of my coming out process too. I mean, right down to the dinosaur space pants.
This was a true masterpiece. I mean All the Science plus extra accurate no homo to so homo.
Tingle has a thing about that – didn’t we have a whole discussion about how unicorn buttsex didn’t make you gay and then the unicorn came to the wedding?
No, in that one our hero worked at a gay bar, I thought. But the guy who gets the double-shot latte up the butt might have been very no homo.
OMG. I do not remember that one. They all kind of…blend.
They do. I was just trying to remember if the vampire bus guy was no homo or what.
I just remember being stunned that vampire night buses were just a thing and that our hero was not at all surprised that sentient buses might be driving around. And, had like, dated one in college. Like you do.
Again, really the issue with that is – it’s a bus. And a vampire. which I think probably wins out. Like you wouldn’t describe the hero as gay – you’d describe him as “that guy who has sex with the bus”
Right? And I mean maybe that’s the existential question Tingle is dealing with in his Hugo nominated story: what makes a person “gay”?
“You know my friend Tom, he’s the one dating Route 16”
I mean, maybe Lance is actually just ‘raptor sexual’?
Vampire night bus still makes me think of My Neighbor Totoro’s catbus
Hah. Exactly.
Well and perhaps we should really be pleased with Tingle’s Hugo nom in the name of all things SO TOTALLY HOMO, I mean those are my family values.
Yeah, I mean, I have to say that for Tingle this was actually a pretty decent effort. There was some Science-y things and then… lube (or at least the pretense of some), which I may never actually get over.
But I just feel very confused about the whole thing, because I thought that all the mad about the Hugos was some very serious no homo boys very sad because the gay is already taking over sci fi.
Right? Plus I don’t know if you’ve seen but Tingle is going all HOMO on Vox Day on Twitter. So Day may have made a Serious Mistake.
I had no idea. I feel I need to look at this right now. And yes. It was a Serious Mistake. It’s ridiculous. and that is from someone who found Tingle’s absurdity pretty amusing.
Okay, I feel we have sufficiently established that Chuck Tingle’s Space Raptor Butt Invasion while amusing, should unequivocally, not been nominated for one of the most prestigious awards in science fiction.
Thank you all for joining us for this installment of buttsex liveblogging.
Alright – got my doubled-teabagged cup of blackberry sage tea (never too early for a teabagging reference!): the incomparable Lyda Morehouse will be joining us momentarily to lead us in a very sophisticated round table of Chuck Tingle’s Hugo-nominated (or is it nominated for getting nominated for a nomination??) “Space Raptor Butt Invasion”