Join us, Thursday April 30th at 9am Central, to weigh in on the insanity.
Okay, I have my cup of coffee, toast, and a freshly downloaded copy of Chuck Tingle’s VAMPIRE NIGHT BUS POUNDS MY BUTT.
My number one big question as we get started is: How does this even work???
Oh, Mr. Tingle… you didn’t!! Our opening line is: “Public transportation can be a real pain in the ass….”
I have my bitter black English breakfast tea with almond milk, I’m ready for this.
See I’m wondering if this with be like the Catbus, but I hope not, because that could forever tarnish the Catbus
Okay, we’re getting a bit of backstory on our hero (who is as yet unnamed) whom, we discover, used to drive to work every day in LA and listen to podcasts while stuck in traffic. My kind of guy. I’m sold.
Okay, he’s been sidelined to public transportation because he got sideswiped by a truck.
One thing I love about Mr. Tingle. He doesn’t wait around. Page one, and we’ve already got: “The city of angels is already full of weirdos, but the dark side of this town starts to show itself as soon as the sun finally disappears… it was on one of these nights that I first heard about Vlad.”
I appreciate economy in my erotica
A guy on a different bus has approached our hero and is going to tell us something about bus riding for REASONS OF PLOT.
CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP
Crazy-bus guy says, “This is Vlad’s route, too. If you’re not careful you might end up turned into a bat, or even stone cold dead.” Our hero thinks to ask, “Who’s Vlad.” The answer? “Bus thirteen.”
Wait! I thought the guy was the vampire? Are you telling me the BUS is the vampire?
Oh, yes!! “Vlad drives the bus?” “No, no,” the man shakes his head. “Vlad IS bus thirteen.”
At least our hero scoffs at this: a living night bus is a vampire! Ha! As if!
13 – natch.
I do appreciate Tingle’s Miyazaki-esque angle on this, I mean why not a vampire bus
Then we get some very weird social commentary from our hero. “This is exactly the type of racially insensitive thinking that has kept these sentient vehicles in the position they’re in, working minimum wage jobs without any real way to pull themselves out of the lower class.”
wait – which part is racially insensitive, calling the bus a vampire, spreading rumors that imply the vampire bus is to be watched out for??
So, when the guy on the bus who has tried to warn our hero asks, “So you don’t believe me?” Our hero, who is already clearly sympathizing with the plight of the overworked sentient bus, says, “I’m sorry, no, and I think it’s very insensitive to talk about living busses that way.”
and most importantly – are buses their own race?
TRY TO FEEL FOR THE BUS, PEOPLE!!
wow – ok
I’m feeling positively towards the sensibilities of our hero so far
Skip ahead to the next night. Our hero is out later than usual and is regretting having not taken up the offer of a ride home from a coworker. (drum roll, please).
clearly what this overworked sentient bus needs is a little R & R, if you know what I mean
Yep… “A bus pulls up in front of me and stops, the doors opening to reveal not a single living soul inside, not even a driver.”
OMG THE BUS TALKS. “Where are you headed?” This bus asks in a thick Eastern European accent.
And our hero, being a Chuck Tingle hero, takes the talking, sentient bus in stride and climbs aboard. LIKE YOU DO.
OK I know you’re beyond this now but I like the idea that the sentient buses have a human rights movement and people concerned about their welfare. Am I reading that right, or was that wishful thinking on my part?
So – that it talks and is sentient, no big deal, but the fact that it is a vampire bus is one step too far. Interesting line in the sand.
well I suppose, as he observes early on – LA is full of weirdos, what’s one more
Naomi – yes, you are correct – human rights for buses!
Oh, we’re getting a little physical description of the bus. “As ridiculous as it is to believe in vampires, the bus himself had all the features you’d normally associate with such devilish creatures of the night. The accent was obvious, but the vehicle was also incredibly handsome in a dark brooding kind of way.”
So has there been any information on what the non-vampire buses eat or drink? Gasoline, like you’d expect, or…?
does it have a cape? widows peak?
OK the features I’d normally associate with devilish creatures of the night are fangs.
The wheels on the vampire bus go round and round….round and round….round and round…
“Huge dark eyes” (this is the bus, mind you) “and a muscular chest, with abs just barely visible underneath his large metallic frame.” THIS IS THE WEIRDEST IMAGE EVER. Get it out of my head, please.
The bus is now making conversation asking why our hero is out so late. He stammers something about work. Bus, concerned, say, “You are nervous.” (I sense a big seduction coming, guys.)
Where do bus abs even go?
Srsly – Tingle got flow, yo
Our hero is now trying to figure out not why the bus is chatting him up (or talking at all), but whether or not it’s a vampire. Do you have day routes? No. Go past any churches? No.
Wait, okay, HANG ON. WHERE are the eyes? I would have thought they’d be on the outside and isn’t this guy on the inside?
It’s not clear where the eyes are.
was wondering that as well Naomi…
Oh no, the bus is taking our hero on the “scenic” route.
Is the bus empty? Just the bus and the hero?
I just took another look at the book cover.
(Yes. I just saw that this was stated: they’re alllllllll alooooooooone.)
Our hero is getting horny for this pushy, stalker bus because even though the bus has just hijacked our hero we instantly get, “I realize now my cock is growing hard within my pants.”
I know right?! The imagery is fabulous!
those fangs tho
It’s apparently a reaction to “the strange charisma of this handsome city vehicle. It’s an odd feeling…” Odd feeling? REALLY???
cock quickly getting Stockholm syndrome
Okay, he’s apparently turned on by being taken on an unscheduled route.
I’ll never look at city vehicles the same
Arousal: not really that odd.
Reacting with arousal to being kidnapped by a stalker bus at midnight: DEFINITELY ODD.
I wish I had that reaction to unscheduled routes. I tend to fall in the annoyed category.
Now our hero thinks to ask “Am I safe?” (I think sane would have been a better question), but the bus is very polite, “Yes of course,’ the bus tells me, ‘You are my guest for the eking and you will be treated as such” and then offers to take our hero home if he really wants. Of course our hero is good with this.
Oh, wait, now we’re pulling up to a castle!
This is the bus’s house, apparently, because, you know, vampires need castles IN LOS ANGELES.
Our hero’s name is Rick. The bus has invited him inside and they’ve exchanged names (this is a long build up for Mr. Tingle.)
Oh, we get the cheesy vampire line, “Rick, you are my guest tonight at Castle Vlad, where all your darkest fantasies will come true.”
My reading of Richard Kadrey’s Sandman Slim series concurs that vamps with castles are all up in LA, so I believe it to be truth
I thought sentient buses were oppressed blue-collar workers with few opportunities in life.
wait so the bus is in the house? what do the living areas spec like?
That must be one hell of a front door if you can drive a bus through it!
excellent point Naomi – doesn’t seem to be living below the poverty line
Oh wait, Rick thinks he’s straight! “I would have laughed out loud at the innate cheesiness of the line, but something about this city bus is so sincere, so passionate, that I don’t dare make a peep. I once considered myself a atypical straight male, but at this point I’m utterly taken with the vehicle and his dark charms.”
I think this bus rolls its johns for bus fare, so it lives a lavish lifestyle.
Apparently, Rick got off the bus at some point because he’s NOW FOLLOWING THE BUS UPSTAIRS. Someone help my brain picture this. Do wheels do well on stairs???
Vlad offers Rick a chair, because buses are like that and have chairs for their human guests, I guess, and now the bus has magically lit the fireplace. Because this bus is magic. And a bus.
I can wrap my head around buses having chairs in the house for their human guests but a bus lighting a fire in the fireplace is breaking my brain.
Also I’m still hung up on the bit where they go upstairs.
WHEELS. BUSES HAVE WHEELS.
Okay, now Rick does not think at all about how he’s sitting across from a bus, but wants to know if the bus is a vampire and planning to kill him. And, the bus says no, no blood sucking vampires are a thing of the past.
So what do you drink, you handsome bus?
See – I cannot avoid putting this into mental pictures of Spirited Away and My Neighbor Totoro
Wait for it.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH OF COURSE HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT COMING!!!
Oh, sure. That makes sense. I mean they’re both bodily fluids that can transmit diseases, why wouldn’t they be interchangeable?
Oh, wait, it gets so much more bizarre, “Have you ever been with a city bus?” Vlad wants to know. Our hero says, “Once. In college.” WAIT, WHAT????
This whole thing is one long WAIT, WHAT.
He’s been with a city bus. But not a VAMPIRE city bus!
Okay, forget this conversation crap, Rick decides his arousal has over taken him and “I tear off my shirt and press myself against his warm bus body, kissing him hard.” BUT, WHERE, RICK? WHERE? ON THE GRILL?
I’m pretty sure we should eventually host an author meet-and-greet with Mr. Tingle, because just SO MANY QUESTIONS
Also maybe the previous city bus was a girl, since he thinks he’s straight.
AGAIN! If you’re going to sleep with a bus, does it matter what gender the bus has?
Important question has finally come up, “Where’s that fucking cock of yours?’ I demand to know.
Okay so the basic problem with these books is the profound lack of detail. Because where is a bus’s erogenous zones? Do you fondle the steering wheel? the headlights?
Hey, I’m still stuck on where the abs are!
RIGHT? WHERE IS THE PENIS? WHERE?
The doors open. Rick climbs aboard. Walking through the rows of seat to the back, where he finds… “a massive dick projecting proudly from the back wall of the bus.” Mom always told me to sit near the front of the bus AND NOW I KNOW WHY.
for a supposed straight guy he certainly is all about the cock. C’mon Rick.
Right? Where are the cuddles? The foreplay?
O.M.G. We just hit like sci-fi terror
Rick is suitably impressed with the bus’s size and “I immediately drop down to my knees and get to work.” Rick, I think you have done this with dudes before.
also – sort of an innie cock?
YOU GUYS – Chuck Tingle just @’ed us on the Twitters
Ha! Oh my gods!
OK, the image of a cock *inside* the bus, projecting proudly from the back wall, is simultaneously making me think “nifty” and making me think “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh nooooooooooooo”
The bus is liking the blow job that somehow Rick is able to give him. “I can feel the bus shudder and tremble below me.” It’s very odd that he’s in the bus, isn’t it?
Going for deep throating. Because, you know, straight guys are ready for that their first time.
I am going to keep coming back to the weirdness of being INSIDE the bus while fucking / being fucked by the bus. I sort of wonder if that ties into some very specific fetish and that’s what makes it hot for people who are into that sort of thing.
don’t think Rick is going to make that mistake (that he’s straight) anymore. Plus add – bus-sexual
For some reason this reminds me of the end of Stephen King’s It when they are in the sewer and attacked by the sewer that was also a clown? I have only the vaguest memory of being terrified of that imagery when I read the book.
I mean, there are dudes who have fantasies about being eaten by giantesses, and this could be … similar. Kinda.
He not only manages it, but give us the classic hentai shot of the strand of saliva once he’s pulled his lips off, and says, “Your cock is so fucking beautiful,’ I gush, “I’ve never been with another man, or bus, before, but I think I’m ready to take things further.” Oh, yeah, what about college, you liar.
Bus-sexual!!!! This needs to be used in normal conversation.
Now I want to make jokes about the need to fight bus-sexual invisibility .
I appreciate the imaginative artistry of the innie rather than just the expected cock-on-the-outside chestnut
Rick throws off his pants. Tossing them on to one of the seats. And he’s backing himself on to the “throbbing member.”
Oh, we get a little rim play. How nice! “I tease the bus playfully, placing his huge dick right at the entrance to my buttonhole and allowing him to tease the rim.”
Wait. How big is the bus’ junk? Because I was of the impression it would be bus sized.
Again without the lube. But we’re going in.
The gay unicorn biker sex was just so human-normative, but this has gone all alien/sci-fi with innie bus penis – well done Mr. Tingle.
Luckily, Vlad is a dirty talker, so we’re starting all the various pumping, and we get “How do you like that vampire bus cock?” Rick loves it. He tells the city vehicle so with much moaning.
Bus comes after a lot of thrusting and such and some shouting about “Oh my dark lord of the night.”
Oh, now the bus is demanding to be “fed.”
I’m still disappointed that the unicorn’s horn never went in to play in that one. It could have just been a biker horse.
To do this, Rick has to exit the bus. “You want this cock?” I demand to know. “Feed me!” The bus repeats.
Sooooooooo does a vampire bus have a mouth to give blow jobs, or … ???
Things are getting weirder (if this is possible.) Now a chair has flown across the room, scooped Rick up, and his “telekinetically” holding Rick pressed right up against his massive face.
PLEASE LET IT BE THE EXHAUST PIPE!
I wonder what Bus’ voice is like – is it all Hal 9000 or throaty growly, or maybe a pleasant public radio voice
Apparently there is a mouth. I’m sorry, no exhaust pipe. (And anyway, wouldn’t be too hot?)
Oh – we’re just using the face that is on the front of the bus. I really wanted exhaust pipe sexxxytime
The skill of the bus’s blow jobs are being describe as “More than any human could provide.”
There’s no such thing as Too Hot for Chuck Tingle.
Well yes. Because the buses mouth is the same size as the grill of a bus. The bus could just eat our protagonist whole.
Yeah, dangit. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised at the lack of exhaust pipe sexytime given that the unicorn never used its horn.
I guess things are over now. We’re having talk about being grateful for the hot vampire bus sex and asking Vlad not to turn us into a bat. BUT, guess what? Vlad is turning RICK INTO A BUS.
It’s a horror story, you guys! Last line, “No!” I cry out, the sound of my voice transforming into a wild honk that echoes off the castle walls.”
Rick! OH NO!
Well, that’s never going to work out long term. The bus’ penis is on the inside. If Rick is also a bus, there is no way to access it. Poor planning Bus Vampire!
The end!! I’m heart broken!! Taken in by the evil bus!
well, I guess that’s how vampirism works right?
This was not okay, at least the unicorn went to the wedding.
I mean you don’t get taken by a vampire without becoming a vampire
Chuck got really intense with the ending on this one.
No, that’s werewolves! Vampires usually just drain you.
Maybe we missed the part where it was in the erotic horror genre.
I wanted a happy ending not frantic beeping of sad!
ohright – there are all sorts of complications and in-betweens and this-won’t-vampire-you, as I’ve learned from TATE HALLOWAY!! and the Dresden Files, et al
I thought for sure they were going there with the sympathy with the bus underclass.
Oh, so does this mean all the buses are not, like, built in a factory, but are transformed former humans?
I’m guessing so, Naomi.
Anyway, that’s TERRIBLE.
that’s the lesson I took away Naomi
Next time I get on a bus I’m going to be haunted by this idea.
Frantic beeping of sad with a side of “beware the gays! at least the gay buses!”
All the sentient buses working for minimum wage leading sad, dead end lives ARE ALL DOWN TO THIS DICK VLAD.
Just don’t sit near the back.
I bet he doesn’t even let them stay in his castle afterwards.
What a jerk. I was falling for him and everything. Those abs, man. They betrayed me.
I still think that this was a more satisfactory ending then Taken By T-rex. What with that nice boy getting killed.
there needs to be a Van Helsing to go after this guy
Yes, apparently all this monster eroticism has a dark side. You can get killed if you see it or turned into a bus.
Van Hellising should be a cool fast car or something and run this bus down!
I feel we need a larger sample size to compare.
Wait, you want me to read more…. all right! DONE.
Yeah, except we need to work in the butt pounding somehow.
I still had such trouble seeing it. I’m also disappointed by how “human” all these non-humans end up being. At least the T-Rex’s thing was suitably monstrous.
Ah, well, new quest: the perfect inhuman monster erotica!
it could be like the Fast and Furious of butt-pounding vamp bus erotica
And, so we begin yet another chapter. We’ll be back in a couple of weeks with more monster erotica live blogging. Until then, try not to get pounded in the butt by a bus.