We’ve been taken by T-Rex, pounded in the butt by a vampire bus, and canoodled by Clippy – natch we’ve moved on to lesbian werewolf lactation consultants.
Spoiler alert, our reaction went kinda like this:
Welcome to story time… I have my freebie copy of Bytch William’s My Lactation Consultant is a Lesbian Werewolf open and ready to go. *rubs hands.*
This are starting with a “surprisingly silent” waiting room. Our unnamed heroine has arrive with her husband, Charles, and their infant, Esterlene.
I’m terrifiedly enthusiastic about today’s pick!
I might be a little nervous that there’s a baby, but okay…
“Like most new mothers, I was completely exhausted.” (Some realism here, a good start, IMHO.)
likewise – please keep children out of my erotica
Well, I guess to have a lactation consultant there has to be a baby around somewhere.
And… our heroine promptly falls asleep. Note: “Luckily, my bumbling husband Charles was holding the baby.”
so husband and babby have a name, but our heroine doesn’t merit a name?
We’re going into the dreamtime now, folks. “In the dream, I was suddenly eighteen again. And out to hit the sexual jackpot.”
I’ll start working that into my repertoire – sexual jackpotting
The dream continues, she’s outside of LA’s Viper Club (so, okay, a real place) and she sees Donald Curtains, “star of the hit TV show Angry Fellows….” (hmmm, Mad Men anyone) and “Margorie Mudcliff, the leading lady from films like Deadly Bounty and Killer Compulsion”
Donald’s big come on: “You!” he said, “Busy?” (Oh, I’m thinking she’s about to be….)
So basically she’s writing real-person-fic erotica in code?
Those names are doing nothing to stir my jackpot.
This is a thing? I wonder if there’s any out there with Loki, God of Chaos, who mysteriously has a British accent…?
Yeah, this kind of reads like, OH CRAP I MUST FILL PAGES WAIT WHAT ABOUT THIS THING I HAVE… because it’s still going on. Our heroine is in the limo now.
The starlet is licking our heroine’s face and the star dude is loosening his tie.
I’m there for British Loki erotica, specifically of the Tom Hiddleston variety.
I was never able to nap when I had a newborn. I definitely didn’t have dreams with limos and red carpets.
Or people licking my face.
still dreaming tho right?
Yep. Dream nakedness continues…. dude is undressed and the lady is now pulling “her dress off over her head in a practiced motion.”
Also, still no werewolf.
practiced-motion undressing in a limo is impressive, but it’s her dream I guess, so…
We are getting pages of this dream, folks. PAGES. I mean, it’s hot, the dude is licking the heroine between the legs and the heroine is doing things to the starlet.
It’s important to practice undressing limos. You never know when it is going to come up.
“Marjorie” (dream starlet) “leaned over and put her mouth to mine. She tasted of cranberry vodka and cigarettes.” (Okay, officially turned OFF.)
When I try to pull things off over my head, they tend to get hung up on my glasses. If I practiced, that might be good.
So, is it filler for the lactation consultant werewolf? The dream thingie?
If I tried to do it in a car I’d probably get hung up on my glasses AND tangled in a seat belt.
And ew, cigarettes. I don’t think that’s even a turnon for other smokers.
Okay, I have to say that I’m surprised how much more dream there seems to be, because the ladies have now gotten off and are looking to do the dream dude.
I wonder if the lactation consultant is going to look like Marjorie, maybe?
Okay, seriously… I’m flipping through the sex dream to try to get to the werewolf. WHERE ARE YOU, WEREWOLF??
(Until she turns into a werewolf, at least)
Heh. I am 10% closer to believing that Bytch is actually a lady, given the order of events.
Maybe the werewolf lactation consultant is also psychic and causing the dream from a room next to where heroine is napping.
Oh, but this is cold. The dream stars just threw our heroine to the curb (and her panties after her.) “What’s wrong?” I said, feeling tears coming on, “Didn’t you like me?” (Okay so maybe this is going to be about redemption through happy lesbian/bi sex??)
Okay, because dream Ninja Turtles have just shown up.
I kid you not.
STILL NO WEREWOLF.
When I have sex dreams, the top theme is that I’m trying to find a private place to do it with the other person, and somehow every room we find has an enormous wall of windows or something.
wait is this TMNT erotica?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have never shown up. Nor Don Draper.
“The night I had been f*cked by Donald Curtains and Marjorie had been very real: the part with the ninjas was not.” (okay, thanks for the clarification.)
again with the names – I can’t get past the author’s wretched char names.
Wait, hang on a sec.
I get it – Don Draper/Donald Curtains but COME ON
Okay, finally the consultant arrives! “She was gorgeous: her short, brown hair curling around her angelic face, her thick, well-shaped lips pursing as her wide, blue-eyes–framed by sleek stylish gasses–flicked over her clipboard.”
Is she saying that the dream was revisiting something that actually happened, followed by stuff that didn’t, or is she saying that the dream had started out somewhat realistic and then gone off the rails?
I think she’s saying the dream happened up until the TMNT.
So now she’s awake, though, right?
So, now the consultant tries to call in just mom and baby and and the dad says, “And Charles!” my husband buffonishly offered. (Not fond of hubby, apparently.) And yes, she’s awake now, apparently.
So did someone basically squish two stories that were too short together to make an appropriate length story? Is that what is going on here, but one is now a “dream”?
Yes, I think that’s it exactly.
Okay, on to the lactation…. Baby is six-weds old. “I had been having a hell of a time getting her to breastfeed properly. She other bit me until I bled or didn’t eat at all.”
Again we would like to point out to the audience that Lyda is the only one here tasked with actually reading these monster erotica offerings. And that she gets no hazard pay for doing so.
I think that would have worked better if the dream had been frustrating because the other person was just insufficiently (pick one) female, lesbian, or werewolf-like. And then HURRAY she meets a real lesbian werewolf!
wait so the baby is a vampire, I’m thinking?
At six weeks, if the baby is either biting you until you BLEED or doesn’t eat at all, 99.9% of women would have given up and switched to a bottle, so kudos to this lady, I guess!
Just shaking the consultant’s hand gets us all aroused though, “Her touch sent chills through the body.” Werewolf has a name: “I’m Samantha. I’ll be your lactation consultant.”
I mean at six DAYS, breastfeeding problems are super common but at six WEEKS, yikes, is the baby gaining at all?
Maybe baby is a werewolf!
We get some technical information about Samantha. She’s “just an IBCLC-certified consultant.” and doesn’t rate her own receptionist.
IBCLC-certified is good! Is she working out of a clinic? Because most clinics have, like, a collective reception area…
Apparently when her husband comments this is a nice office, our heroine “bristled” because “Charles had a habit of opining his mouth to say the stupidest things at the worst times.” (Not sure how this is true. He’s just making chit-chat like you do.)
There’s a classical painting on the wall depicting men on horseback spearing wolves and foxes.
srsly – no one’s turned on by you airing your relationship dirty laundry, ms heroine.
I would have guessed the more offensive moment would be when heroine had a sex dream in the waiting room…
This upsets our unnamed heroine… but we discover it’s an actual Rubens (or presumably a copy.)
I think the relationship dirty laundry is to justify the fact that she’s going to sleep with the lactation consultant in a few pages.
@naomi: seems likely
I’m now thinking about the sort of artwork that usually gets hung up in doctor’s offices and mostly it’s things like PSA posters promoting vaccinations and well-child visits. Classical paintings of hunting expeditions: kinda weird.
Our heroine and the werewolf exchange a knowing look about how wolves are victims (or something) and then our heroine is distracted by “her plump breasts” which were “breathtakingly formed and seemed, when outlined against the blues… to sway and dance with every slight movement.”
There is a lot of chit chat now about the baby. And the werewolf asks the husband to leave.
Oh, and to take the baby with him. “That puzzled me. How was the consultant going to consult without seeing the baby in action?”
Inspiration for this whole story right here.
this isn’t a wolves and foxes Rubens, but you know – in the spirit.
So can I just say that scrubs are not terribly sexy and don’t cling enticingly to your boobs?
And that painting would be a PROFOUNDLY weird thing to hang up on the wall of any sort of health care provider.
You don’t normally send away the baby, but since the LC is going to violate her canon of professional ethics and seduce her patient, I guess she kind of needs privacy.
“My breath caught in my throat. I felt her gaze sliding delicately but firmly over my body: savage, ravenous, predatory.” (You have to love authors. I’m super glad her gaze is predatory. Would have been disappointed otherwise.)
The running theme in all of these books is that the protagonist rarely notices the utter insanity in which they have found themselves.
oh well thank dog on the baby going elsewhere – because the yelling in my brain of “NONONONONONONONO” at the prospect of the baby being anywhere near the mix of sexytime had reached deafening levels.
Husband misses hot gaze and is all, “Just text me when you need me.” (I’m guessing she’s thinking: How about NEVER, is never good?!)
(OK, I just looked up the code of ethics for IBCLC and it does not, in fact, specifically say that Lactation Consultants should not seduce patients! So…I guess she’s good.)
The doc is very casual, “Just pop off your shirt.” There is “obeying” with “fingers that had begun to tremble with nervousness.”
But, now the truth comes out, “Shh, darling” (says the werewolf), “We’re alone here. You have nothing to be afraid of.”
RUN, NARRATOR, RUN!
@naomi – good to know! I expect it also makes no prohibitions on werewolves?
It does not mention werewolves in any way!
A kiss that sense a “terror of the unknown ricocheted through my body.” (Good use of language, Bytch. I approve.)
After this live blog, they may update their code of conduct.
They should leave practice if they have substance abuse problems, though.
Oh, and in a Superman like move, our werewolf lactation consultant just ripped off her shirt! “I want you,” I said, gazing at the frilly lace of her black satin bra.
oh, also, section 2.4 says they should “obey all applicable laws, including those regulating the activities of lactation consultants.” I’m pretty sure that in a lot of states, health care providers are not permitted to have sexual relationships with their patients. They sure as heck are not allowed to hit on you in the exam room.
Would it be pedantic to point out that satin and lace are two different materials?
Things are getting heavy. Our heroine has plunged her face into the amazing bosom and… “Oh no! Not now!” (Yep! It’s finally happening.) “Her skin had started to pulse at her neck…”
Maybe it’s a black satin bra with lace along the edges? That’s what I pictured.
LCs probably also not generally allowed any bodice-ripping
Oh, hey, THIS bit probably covers werewolves: “Withdraw voluntarily from professional practice if the IBCLC has a physical or mental
disability that could be detrimental to clients.” If lycanthropy causes you to seduce people who came to you for breastfeeding support, that would definitely qualify.
wait is this a werewolf that turns when sexytiming with ladies? Where does the moon come into play?
Her eyes are turning yellow. Her voice is becoming a growl….oh, wait, is this sexy? “Her left arm wrapped around my right wrist and gripped painfully… long fingernails like claws cutting into my sensitive flesh.”
Maybe more like a Ranma 1/2 werewolf?
But with sexy ladies instead of water?
True Naomi. They have officially covered their butts for werewolf seduction.
I’m going to say that if you turn into a werewolf when sexually aroused, that is probably something you should disclose to a potential sexual partner before you get into bed together.
To our heroine’s horror, “she lowered her snout to my breasts, licked her lips lasciviously, and began to lap my nipple.”
Yes, but the lactation consultant isn’t big on consent, so disclosure seems kind of by the wayside already, you know?
“Her loose dog lips wrapped around me, and she began to nurse like an infant.” At first our heroine tries to resist, but… “I felt my let-down kick in with a tingle and the urge to fight lessened.”
The milk is turning the werewolf back to human! “She slowly reverted, with each gulp of milk, back to her comely, feminine form.”
That lactation consultant is using this woman’s prolactin as a weapon of manipulation!
No! Fight unnamed heroine! Fight like you’ve never fought before. Dog lips are NOT OKAY.
(I’m sorry, I’m having a really hard time with the part where we’re supposed to be okay with sexual assault in a medical setting…)
Apparently this whole thing is both exhilarating and charming to our heroine because now, after the suckling, she’s kind of turned on in general. “I wrapped my smooth legs around her head and tousled her hair.”
wow – that’s a bummer of a condition. arousal turns you werewolfy, only cure is breastmilk. However I there are certainly ethical means of dealing with such a condition, versus assaulting patients/clients.
Okay, so they both do a little business and then Samantha is all, “let’s call your husband back in.” Oh, and throw a shirt on, would ya?
You’re just going to skip over the sex?
Was it at least hot?
Or do they not seriously get it on without the husband?
Okay.. things have turned weirder and now the consultant wants to do tests on the baby. (The sex was fast… kinda hot?)
Does the LC put a shirt back on?
Srsly are we terrible buzzkills for not being able to bypass the deplorable assaulty/non-consent here? I mean it’s erotica – which isn’t real and certainly can allow for all sorts of fantasy non-consent if that’s what gets one going, but gah – I can’t get past it.
Wha… ? Wait, the consultant handed off the baby and then has jumped on the husband, turning back into a werewolf and… is ripping him apart. The hell…
Also, there are people who sell breastmilk and aren’t fussy about whether it’s purchased by adults planning to drink it themselves (there are fetishists, but also apparently there’s a subculture within bodybuilding that thinks breastmilk has magical properties, basically) so yeah, werewolf lady could get hold of some for emergencies instead of ASSAULTING HER PATIENTS.
“It was then that it truly struck me how little I cared of him.” Uh…. SERIOUSLY??
THIS IS NOT SEXY.
Oh, the werewolf is now EATING HER HUSBAND. “..gulping down chunks of meat in huge bites…”
You know what, even if I really didn’t like someone I would not be okay with WATCHING THEM GET TORN APART AND EATEN IN FRONT OF ME hooooooooooly shit
ok – as a lesbian who admittedly doesn’t want and never wanted a husband, that still just seems…mean
Well. The review did say it was gory…
“There,” says the werewolf, “Now we can get down to business.” OH OKAY I WILL IGNORE MY HUSBANDS BODY AND HAVE SEX NOW, THAT’S FINE.
She needed to make the husband a batterer or something, I think.
So the werewolf’s mouth is presumably smeared with the husband’s blood. Sexxxxxxxxy!
Okay, it’s officially worse, I think they’re going to have sex with his detached penis.
Yeah… yeah, that’s happening. OW! My eyes. They burn.
OH MY GOD.
Also, THAT IS NOT GOING TO WORK.
Wow – this author has managed to leave me rather speechless for the moment. Which given the range of things we’ve reviewed is rather impressive
You cannot fuck a flaccid penis. They don’t get hard unless there’s blood flow. DEAD MEN HAVE NO BLOOD FLOW.
I’m going to take a wild guess that this was some excellent revenge porn.
The mistake was in publishing it.
Well, apparently, it did. “Oh my god! You were incredible. I haven’t cummed this hard in my life.”
If you want to use a detached body part as a dildo, you’ll need one that has an actual bone in it, and … frankly maybe just buy something at a store because OH MY GOD.
I like the “revenge porn” theory.
Now they’re chatting, you know, like you do. And we’re told not to worry because this happens a lot and there’s a special clean-up crew.
Oh, hey, it’s probably that guy from Pulp Fiction. You know the one.
They call him “The Wolf.”
Oh, so the baby, in case you were wondering, just needs a frenulectomy. The nurse has told us this, because apparently the nurse and the lactation werewolf are lovers and now they want a threesome with our heroine.
I guess the happy ending is the threesome where our unnamed heroine is finally wanted?
I don’t know. This one hurt me a little.
Where do they stash the baby during the three-way?
Didn’t you say this was book one of like, quite a few? I heard four bandied about?
This story. Wow. There’s so much wrong here I don’t even know where to start.
They took the baby off for tests, I might have forgotten to say. Sorry, so caught up in the carnage.
I’m just going to hope that the author kept this pseudonym real, real far away from anything else she writes under.
So. Much. Carnage. I now think I understand this “extreme erotica” warning label a bit better.
I’m just over here quietly rocking in the corner trying to scrub from my brain images of sociopaths sexing with shredded remains of murdered husband’s penis.
The kind of unnerving thing is that there are enough accurate details that I would bet this person really has had a baby (and seen a lactation consultant).
Right? (send help.)
I hope she has moved on from what was clearly an extremely messy divorce.
Also, I hope that her child never, ever finds out about this pseudonym.
Okay – so back to the far more light hearted Mr. Tingle next time. We have clearly found our line in the sand.
I respect that there’s a subset of perfectly nice normal people for whom this is a legitimate fantasy turn on. I think.
And murdered her husband? Yeah, let’s hope it was just a divorce. But I’m still a little upset about poor Charles all he did was say the office was nice.
I think she needed to really sell us on the husband needing to die.
Right?? I mean if you’re going to vilify the husband, seriously REALLY VILIFY THE HUSBAND
That dream sequence near the beginning should have started out with fun sexytimes, which gets interrupted by her anxiety about her husband’s jealous rages.
She could have had us all convinced that the husband was a dangerous, awful abuser who didn’t want to step out of the office because he was worried that the LC would call 911 and a women’s shelter.
Geeze. He did keep saying innocuous things at just the worst times. Isn’t that enough to want him murdered by a werewolf?
Yeah. Something. He just seemed kind of doofus-like, and constantly maligned by HER.
At which point, we’d have cheered to see him ripped to pieces by a werewolf. “Nice office” does not cut it. Even if he’d said something like “who the hell did your decorating? this place is hideous” that would not justify bloody murder.
It’s mostly women who read erotica, or I’d wonder if the target audience might actually be guys who were into the idea of being eaten (this is a thing).
Yeah, and to interrupt private sexy times to invite him into kill him really doesn’t work for me, you know, as a turn on. Wow. Murder. SO HOT. Now let’s use body parts for sexing!
Yep. Just. Nope.
NO BLOOD FLOW, NO ERECTION. She may know her breastfeeding but apparently she doesn’t know how penises work. (Unless they addressed that issue?)
I mean, illicit hospital room sex also seems like a legit turn on. Murder, okay, but together?
Okay, I admit to skimming the dead penis dildo-ing, but I did not see any explanation of How This Worked.
Wow, I think I need some nice, safe pounded in the butt by my own butt to cleanse my palate….
A penis ripped off a corpse is up there with maggot-infested melon for things I Do Not Find Sexy to Imagine.
Well – I feel solid about having established our “nope – this goes off the cliff” line for future review prospects.
Also – this time I feel like Lyda really needs/deserves some kind of recompense for enduring the actual read, even if she skimmed.
Yes, and the title seemed SO PROMISING. Why, lesbians, why do you disappoint so often??
As it is in film, so be it written. Or some such.
Can I say, the picture chosen was eerily accurate though? I mean glasses and everything.
And it’s a well known fact that Velma was a lesbian.
That pic was the only good that came out of this endeavor, I think.
Yes, perhaps so. And… I think that’s a wrap. I must go off to bleach my eyeballs now.