Call your mom today and explain that mercury was poorly aspected for the last week, which is why you couldn’t call her on Mother’s Day. Then explain that saturn is now transiting  your second house, which is why you need to move back in and borrow 500 hundred bucks. With planetary justifications like that, she’ll…

Best intentions make the best excuses. You wanted to grow a garden this year, so the fact that you killed all your plants because you forgot they need water doesn’t matter. You were trying to be a good person! Forget the messy part, you meant well. INYF, Aries. I know you see yourself as a…

That cavity is totally not your fault. It has nothing to do with the fact that you brush your teeth once a week and haven’t seen a dentist in 5 years. Just ignore it, when Venus moves out of Pisces everything will be okay. INYF, Aries. You aren’t just any ram, you know? You’re the…

That pounding headache and nausea you feel have nothing to do with the rum last night. INYF you’re so hungover all you can do is watch crappy youtube videos at work. It’s all in the stars. Tell your boss the stars made you do it when you get called into her office. She’ll totally understand.…

This week is all kittens and rainbows and lottery winnings, right? Wrong. This week, you fail, hard, but INYF that you accidentally replied all when bitching about your boss, because the planets have conspired against you! INYF, Aries. You know those mornings when everything goes wrong? (Stubbed toe, spilled coffee, fried laptop, flat tire…) Stretch…

Welcome to the great dark depression of February. As you know, the planets are responsible for your emotional state. It’s not your fault you screamed at the clerk when you couldn’t get the pre-release of Street Fighter Five, because stars. INYF, Aries. Overreact much? Yeah, you did. I know you’re going to ignore these feelings of sadness…