Ah my loyal observers of Bachelor in Paradise, here we are in the final three hours of recycled footage, overwrought drama, and shots of crabs that are definitely a metaphor. I spent Labor Day weekend at a retreat, meditating a lot on gratitude and compassion, so I definitely am here to offer those feelings to…


We Hate Everyone On ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ Except Jorge the Bartender
Be my friend, Jorge. Let’s hang out. Also, I’m sorry there aren’t too many screencaps, but it’s just because I don’t care about anyone on this terrible show anymore except Jorge. TODAY IN PARADISE…Joe is freaking out. Jade says it’s because he realizes he is not as hot as Samantha, which, AGREED. It’s really nice…

This Week’s ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Had Crabs
This show might be getting to me: last night after I wrote this recap, I had a dream that Tenley had died before the show aired and everyone knew that but me, and everyone was really mad at me because I was mean to Tenley in these recaps, except I didn’t think I was really…

‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Remained A Horrorshow This Week
Before the show starts I catch the end of America’s Funniest Home Videos and are these new episodes? How does this show exist with YouTube around? Will America never tire of videos of people almost grievously injuring themselves and others being broadcast into their homes? APPARENTLY NOT, because Bachelor in Paradise is still on! (See…