If you’ve been paying attention to the Presidential race, you’ve probably noticed a couple of things: Trump’s tiny kitten paws with the delicate macaroni nubs he calls fingers. But after that, you’ve probably noticed a couple more things: The GOP rhetoric — particularly but by no means exclusively Trump’s — has gotten incredibly racist. Conservatives…
A Selection of Tweets From Donald Trump’s First Term As President
[Editor’s note, 6/7/16: regrettably, this dystopian future is no less likely than when Mr. Horton first wrote this over three months ago, so we provide it again today as a public service to America.] On Saturday night, somewhere in South Carolina, Donald J. Trump became the 45th President of the United States. And he did…
The Liberal Case Against Trump: I’d Do REALLY Badly In A Post-Apocalyptic Hellscape
Recently, the esteemed (nope) Walker Bragman of the venerable (REALLY NOPE) internet institution of Salon dot com made a passionate argument in favor of liberals electing Donald Josephus Trump to the highest office in America. Bragman’s basic thesis is that electing Trump wouldn’t be so bad in the long run, because it would better position…
An Exit Strategy For Donald Trump
Dear Mr. Trump, First off, I do hope you enjoyed your stay in Chicago. I lived there for several years, and there’s a lot to love about the city: The rich and varied nightlife, the excellent food, the walkable neighborhoods and, oh, yes, the city’s utter refusal to put up with fascist bullshit. I think…
On Donald Trump And Preying Upon Weakness
I’ll speak for myself because it’d be presumptuous to speak for anybody else. After a terror attack, I feel like the world is ending and I’m powerless to stop it. I feel like I should say something but I can’t think of anything except what I said last time. I feel like I should do…
Everything You Need To Know About The Fourth GOP Debate
The stakes are getting higher. It’s still 2015, but it’ll be over in a heartbeat. We’ll all go home for Thanksgiving, Star Wars will come out and shut the country down for a day or two, then Christmas, Auld Lang Syne, roll credits. Suddenly it’s 2016 and we have to start seriously thinking about who…
Everything You Need To Know About Last Night’s GOP Debate
The trouble with political reporting is that it disintegrates in the sunlight after a day or two. What was on Wednesday the sole object of national political scrutiny becomes on Thursday a collective hallucination, if it becomes anything. The struggle to find meaning in the wreckage of all the ephemera is a thankless task, if…
Most Ridiculous Celebrity Lawsuit of the Week: Chefs to Trump: “No Food for You!”
It’s a busy time for Donald Trump. How he manages to balance his numerous feuds while planning to become the next POTUS is beyond us. It’s the world versus The Donald, and he’s constantly adding new names to his long list of foes: Rosie O’Donnell (again), women who breastfeed, Mexicans, NBC, Megyn Kelly, and now…
Why We Can’t Stop Paying Attention To The Trump Trainwreck
I’d like to say something reassuring to residents of countries outside the United States: Not one functioning adult here, including Donald Trump, believes that Donald Trump is actually running for president. And now I would like to say something maddening to residents of countries outside of the United States: Not one functioning adult here, including…
Throwing Bricks At Donald Trump’s House: Thoughts On Fleeting Interactions With Celebrities
I figured everybody on that street had at least a million dollars more than I did. So I set about doing what any disheveled 22 year old on Melrose with shaggy clothes and no credit would do. I lit a cigarette and hoped it made me look bohemian. A habit I’ve since given up in…