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Florida Man Seeks Pardon Based on Ted Cruz Defense

M Walter Lawyer, Satire Leave a Comment

A Florida man has attracted an empathetic ally in his fight for his freedom. Ted Cruz reportedly asked President Obama to pardon a Florida man, Gary Jones, who was convicted for murder in 2002. Jones has just lost his last appeal this week and Senator Cruz is very eager to “end this flagrant miscarriage of justice”  said his top aide. …

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Love Struck Man Lands Himself in Custody

M Walter Lawyer, News & Views, Really Real News Leave a Comment

Apparently, police officers tased a man yesterday just for trying to propose to his maybe his girlfriend . . . My theories are 1) he was really really high on drugs, 2) this is her way of breaking up with him, 3) the gays really have ruined marriage. Lets look for clues to find the answer! Clue number one: Someone called 911 …

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Bitter News, Week of July 4th, 2011

Bitter Newsroom Lawyer, News & Views Leave a Comment

Here are your headlines from the Bitter Newsroom, where we don’t leave our $100m ATM receipts lying around: The Supreme Court cut through the crap and stated, unequivocally, that video games are art and subject to full First Amendment protection. We in the Newsroom applaud this decision for a number of reasons: Now a violent action game like Doom can …

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Bitter News, 1-31-09

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Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom: The woman who ran Eliot Spitzer‘s favorite call-girl ring got six months in prison.  A Manhattan federal judge lightened the sentence on Cecil (Katie) Suwal because of the “Svengali-like power Emperors Club VIP boss Mark Brener once had over the 24-year-old.” An indication being her label-her-like-sports-equipment “Property of Mark Brener” tramp stamp.  [New York …

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Bitter News, 1-29-09

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Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom. In ghosts of creative collaboration past, John Landis, who co-wrote and directed the groundbreaking video “Thriller,” is suing Michael Jackson.  He claims MJ lacks the rights to adapt the 14-minute video in a Broadway show.  And if someone’s gonna “thrill ya, thrill ya tonight,” he wants his cut.  [Associated Press] “A promising Harvard Law …

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Bitter News, 1-28-09

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Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom. Do you know what, other than your ass, is growing at four times the rate of inflation?  Attorneys’ fees in bankruptcy cases. Lawyers at Kirkland & Ellis are charging as much as $18.50 PER MINUTE.  Now even going broke is unaffordable.  [Bloomberg] “From the ‘Any jokes I would make about this wouldn’t be as …

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Bitter News, 1-27-09

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Quick headlines from the Bitter Newsroom. “Brazil” has some dirty talk for you: Tax evasion. Stanford Law grad-cum-professional escort, Cristina Warthen, pleaded guilty in federal court for not letting Uncle Sam in on some of that action.  She got three years probation and a $313K fine for being naughty.  [San Francisco Chronicle] It’s a hard-knock life for some youth offenders …

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