Tax Day Deductions!

Han Bitter Solo Columns, Lawyer 1 Comment

It’s tax day. Have you filed your Form 1040 extension to file your Form 1040 yet? It is always a depressing time of the year. Two things will happen. First, you will be sad that you didn’t make more money last year. Second, you will be sad with how much money you have to pay. But no worries, Bitter Lawyer is here to help reduce your tax burden. We present your Top 5 Business Expenses You Should Try to Deduct.

1 Booze. This is simple. Clients make us drink. Therefore, booze should be a business expense. Seems simple enough.

2 Energy Drinks. This is more for the associate crowd out there. The firm makes you work 80 hours a week. That leaves little time for boozing, complaining about your job, trying to be social, and sleeping. One of those is going to take a hurting and we can all assume it will be the latter. Thus, you are forced to drink energy drinks throughout the day to make up for your lack of sleep from work. Boom. Done and done.

3 That night you put on the company card even though it wasn’t for the business. Perhaps you went out with friends, or perhaps you were trying to impress that special someone – either way, the second the waiter set down the bill your began to have beads of sweat form on your face and you got that feeling in your stomach. You look in your wallet and see the company AMEX. You don’t think twice as you put another round on the it and close it out. Here is the two part test for trying to deduct this: 1. Did you mention you were an attorney at any point in the night? 2. Did you try to impress your guests by saying: in absentia, ipso facto, modus operandi, or prima facie? If yes to either one, give it a shot.

4 Speeding Tickets. This is a good torts hypothetical: You receive a ticket while driving to court. Is this a business expense? Well using the line that will always make me giggle, but for having to drive to court for work, I wouldn’t have received a ticket. Therefore, causation being established it is clear that this should be a business expense.

5 Puppy/Cat. Let me first say that I included cats because I don’t need all you crazy cat people blowing up the comment section. Still, as recently reported, associate attorneys are the worst profession in the world.  Part of the lack of career bliss has to do with our general unhappiness all the time. What is the best way to make you happy: A puppy.  Even people who are allergic to animals are happier when they see a bunch of puppies or kittens playing. Therefore, if the government wants you to keep your job and be able to pay taxes they should let you deduct puppies and kittens. Seems reasonable enough to me.

DISCLAIMER: Bitter Lawyer and Han Bitter Solo do not guarantee the IRS will not audit your ass for trying these deductions. Use this advice at your own risk. However, if you are successful then please let us know so we can all use them when we file after our six month extension has ended.

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  • southern bitter

    how sad you have to put a disclaimer on this article. makes you realize how many law dorks out there are going to either (1) try to debate the validity of these deductions with you, or (2) try to actually deduct these expenses.