Picture it: you’re at a family gathering, let’s say a wedding, stuffing your face with whatever’s on the buffet line when your approached by your uncle you haven’t talked to in five years. Before you can say anything he starts talking about some recent Supreme Court case you’ve never heard of. He thinks that Chief Justice Roberts is selling out America and wants you to explain the whole 200 page case to him in ten minutes, while he critiques every principle of constitutional law you can muster up.
Take a deep breath, because what you have just encountered is a Monday Morning Judge.
For those of you who are mercifully unfamiliar with these types of people, the Monday Morning Judge is a person who will overhear a conversation or glance at an article that discusses a case and then proceed to talk to you endlessly on the merits of their position. No matter how hard you try to avoid talking to them, these people seem to have a knack at making you not only address the topic but waste hours of your time, leaving you enraged.
There are three main types of Monday Morning Judges.
The first one is by far the most innocent of the three: “I want you to explain the whole case to me” guy.
Now, “innocent” might be too generous of a word because it’s not like they want a short intro to the case. No, they want a thirty-minute con law outline dump of every legal principle that is at play in the case.
The next type is the “It’s all political” guy.
These Monday Morning Judges are the most entertaining because they come up with the best conspiracy theories of why a case has come out the way it did. Most of the time they bring a case to your attention and then follow up with demanding: “do you know why this case came out this way???”
My tip about these people is to not answer this question, no matter how simple you think the answer is. They don’t really care about your opinion. In fact they would be having the same discussion whether you were in the room or not. These people don’t want a debate or even you explaining anything. All they want is someone to listen to their chaos theory.
The last and my most favorite of all Monday Morning Judges is the “that’s not how I would have done it” guy.
These people have already spotted you before you have even entered the room. If you find yourself next to one of these you’re stuck because their entire goal in discussing the case with you is to engage you in a legal debate on why they should be appointed to the bench. The best advice for dealing with this person is to cut your losses and leave them to argue with themselves, because engaging with them will not only reaffirm that this person is an idiot but make you look like one too. Get out while you can.