Temp’s a Bitch

Mrs. Donut has screwed me for the last time, I realize as Swiss Miss glides into the conference room and sits down across from me. Ordinarily, I’d be pleased that a hot woman was sitting across from me, but not today—not when she’s about to ruin everything.

It’s the first day of a new assignment, and the last thing I need is the blonde gunner whose slot I thought I stole exacting some bizarre form of temp-sanctioned revenge on me. This is a good gig. The firm lets you use the same bathrooms as the associates, and the paralegals gave up cake for Pilates. At least that’s rumor from a temp who looks like Homer Simpson and Fredo Corleone’s love child.

“The paralegals have asses you just want to pwn,” Fredo Simpson said moments before Swiss Miss had walked into the room.

We all laughed and offered our own (possibly) made-up observations about our good fortune. The room was all men then, and this gig looked to be the Sweet Candy Mountain of temping—three months (or more) at a firm with hot support staff and a room full of guys HR didn’t even know existed. Crude jokes would be the order of the day.

If you’re going mad for $35 an hour after seven years of school and $150,000 of debt, you’d at least like to be able to say that you’re getting laid. After all, that’s the point—my life is miserable but the sex is great—you want to be able to say. But when you’re a temp, that’s not going to happen. So, the next best thing is a room full of marginally decent dudes and an abundance of chicks to talk about. Then it almost doesn’t feel like work. That’s about as good as temping gets.

But with a hot chick in the room, the camaraderie dies. Sure, undressing her with my eyes will make the day go by nicely, but any temp worth his salt would easily trade three minutes of eye candy for three months of awesome banter with co-workers. Eye candy comes and goes, but a cool temp room is the stuff of legend.

With the reappearance of Swiss Miss in my life, I realize that I’ve got the karma of Ernesto Miranda. I stole a job, and now Ms. Donut, TempPimp and BigLaw are collectively shitting on my Sweet Candy Mountain.

Swiss Miss smiles at the room and the talk of what Pilates can do for a woman’s figure vanishes for good. Even Fredo Simpson knows we’re doomed when he hands me a note that says, “She’s got a nice rack, but I give her 30 minutes before she tells the supervisor we’ve offended her.”

I smile at Swiss Miss—she really does have a nice rack—and send a note back to Fredo Simpson.

“Want to get a pool going on who she complains about first? Twenty bucks says it’s me.”

Fredo Simpson begins circulating a note to everyone but Swiss Miss. At least I know that when she complains to a supervisor about my misogyny, I’ll walk away with a little cash.

Temper(a)mental is written by a real legal temp. He has a license and a law degree. We checked. He’ll continue to post his “thoughts” in between doing “your work.”

  • Bill Dugan

    I warned this bitter asswipe about outfoxing the Swiss Miss for the last temp job.  Now he is paying the price.  Not only is he not getting some sex from her, he looks like he is about to be trumped on a hot 3 month job where there are multiple other porking possibilities, all because he had to get that lousy 3 day job from her a few weeks ago.  If he had played his cards right, he would have all the tail could have handled, both from the Swiss Miss, as well as from the paralegals here, who, surprisingly, are not fat and slovenly.  What a dickwad!

  • Pacific Reporter

    The only way to salvage the situation is to hook up with Swiss Miss.

  • Alex Hump

    That woman is NOT going to open up her honey hole for this dummy, especially since he f***ed her over on the last job.  Not a friggin’ chance.  Her lips are SEALED.

  • Lady of Law

    I liked Temp better before I realized he was one of those nerd geeks that only feels comfortable around his own gender.  And even then, he’s only comfortable around subject topics like hot girls, baseball and the best stall to take a long dump in at work.  He was cooler/”sexier” when I thought he was the shy guy who was awkward around everyone but had these sharp, artistic thoughts that he could only articulate via random blog.  Now I know his apartment smells.  :-(

  • Alex Hump

    Way to go, Lady of Law, you may be better than I thought.  I hope you have a nice day off from work and a less bitter 2009!

  • Tempasaurus

    Actually, he may have INCREASED his chances with the Miss.  Nice can work, but it usually takes a while, and a lot of women will never be interested in a guy who’s nice to them – disinterest and treating ‘em like crap on the other hand, for the women who require it, can be not only effective but quicker.  And, if it doesn’t work, you can always switch to nice later and possibly raise their interest level – once you’re in the “nice guy” category on the other hand, there’s no going back.  Hot blond girls with big racks often demand poor treatment to give up the goods.

  • Alex Hump

    Tempassaurus could be right.  Women often don’t appreciate what they can have, and often ignore the “nice guy” in favor of some bi-polar dork who is distant.  So, if you find being nice is getting you no-where, move on to another woman–dumb blond beeeotches with a rack aren’t worth your sanity.  Once you turn ‘em upside down, they’re all the same anyway!

  • Bittersweet

    NICE does work!!

  • Bitterer

    @ OP: Passing notes is cool.

    @ Lady of Law: You’re barking up the wrong tree if you’re looking for love here.

    @ All other commenters: FAIL

  • BL1Y

    “He was cooler/”sexier” when I thought he was the shy guy who was awkward around everyone but had these sharp, artistic thoughts that he could only articulate via random blog.” So…he was cooler when you thought he was a big enough loser you might stand a chance with?  Now that you know he’s basically just a regular guy, you hate him?

  • D. Wipe

    Leave Lady of Law alone.  By conversing here, and letting us know she’s a female, she’s got more balls than the host of anonomous peanut gallery losers of unknown sexuality taking pot shots.  At least she has the cohones to speak her mind (even tho we don’t agree with much of what she says).

  • BL1Y

    How fucking dare anyone out there make fun of Lady of Law after all she has been through.!
    She lost her aunt, she went through a divorce. She had two fuckin kids.
    Her husband turned out to be a user, a cheater, and now she’s going through a custody battle. All you people care about is….. readers and making money off of her.
    SHE’S A HUMAN! What you don’t realize is that Lady of Law is making you all this money and all you do is write a bunch of crap about her.
    She hasn’t performed on stage in years. Her song is called “give me more” for a reason because all you people want is MORE! MORE-MORE, MORE: MORE!.
    LEAVE HER ALONE! You are lucky she even performed for you BASTARDS!

    Perez Hilton talked about professionalism and said if Lady of Law was a professional she would’ve pulled it off no matter what.
    Speaking of professionalism, when is it professional to publicly bash someone who is going through a hard time.
    Leave Lady of Law Alone Please…. !

    Leave Lady of Law alone!…right now!….I mean it.!
    Anyone that has a problem with her you deal with me, because she is not well right now.

  • Lady of Law


  • Anonymous

    Poor bitch; face could stop an 8 day clock.

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