Ten Ways for Women NOT to Get Sex in Law School

Gianna Scatchell Columns, Lawyer

As you girls know, law school is a vile institution in which hot males come in the same frequency as in a nursing home. But that’s no reason not to always be prepared. A female law student’s uber-busy lifestyle can easily cause her to overlook her own twitchy tendencies and turn a blind eye to parts of her busted self that are major turn-offs. But if she has needs—and we know she has needs—she’ll need to mind the way she projects herself if she hopes to ever meet a man in the barren law school landscape.

To help shine a light, here are some of the self-imposed sex-blocking characteristics female law students will assuredly need to overcome to find a man:

1. Being Indignant

Knock it off! Everyone gets it. You’re a female in law school. You’ve proven yourself, so shut the eff up and stop talking about Title XII already. There’s no better way to emasculate the guy who just bought you one of your trite, $15 Sex & the City-inspired Cosmos you still think are so of-the-moment. Get over yourself, cheer the hell up and try on smile—like for realz.

2. Wearing Pearls

Overcome your over-educated instincts. It’s not mandatory to wear the family pearls with your popped-collar Lacoste shirt. Guys aren’t hot for a pearl necklace—not that kind, anyway. Stop focusing on being an Eleanor (Roosevelt). Though, it’s okay to be a Marilyn.

3. Owning More than One Color of Highlighter

I love highlighters as much as the next gunner, but seriously, it is not okay to set up shop in every class by creating a vertical rainbow of highlighters. It’s weird. And it spells OCD-tendencies like Reese Witherspoon in Election.

4. Updating Facebook, Twitter, etc., with Self-Proclaiming Messages

You know the ones. Updates about how great of a catch you are or how much fun it is being single. Yawn, snore, ignore! Newsflash: These self-damaging messages are not making your ex-boyfriend or odd fling at all jealous. Instead, you’re deterring potential future prospects by looking like a narcissistic alcoholic. Nothing says “sexy” like the “too fun” single girl who has to be mopped up off the floor.

5. Updating Facebook, Twitter, etc., with Self-Deprecating Messages

Spare us about how you’re going to die alone in a world filled with cats and candles. And your shades of vague (“. . . is conflicted”) make men glaze over (and us women dry heave) more than curious. The other favorite is the, “On a date tonight.” Let’s face it, if that’s your status message, you’re spending the evening pretending you’re on a date while curled up in the fetal position watching Lifetime movies and digging your way to the bottom a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

6. Playing (Unattractively) Hard-to-Get

No one is that smitten with you, kitten. If you like boys, act like you do! Honestly, most of the time you’re just playing coy and driving yourself crazy wondering if he likes you or not for the sole purpose of being able to reject him. Not. Productive. Not. Getting you laid.

7. Trying to Sound Intellectual

You’d think it would go without saying, but for whatever reason, every girl in law school dabbles in it at one time or another. Parsing together the biggest words in legalese makes you totally…avoidable! The guy will be about as turned on as if you were discussing your menstrual cycle or a yeast infection. Just don’t. Which brings us to…

8. Alluding to Reproduction

The only time that the topics “fertility” or “biological clock” should come up is if you’re explaining the fertile-octogenarian rule. And why should that rule ever come up? Shelve it for tutoring some hot 1L. As far as guys are concerned, you’re interested in sex—not breeding.

9. Letting Yourself Go

Being in law school is absolutely no excuse to beef up. Sure, you’re tired and weak from all the incessant briefing, clerking and reading, but nothing opens the chastity floodgates like cottage-cheese thighs and cubicle ass. The sexiest thing about your ass should be the gym pass in your back pocket. And don’t be afraid to put some shampoo and a brush through that greasy weave you’ve got kickin’. We’re all busy—but personal upkeep is never optional.

10. Uttering “Prenup” or Anything Hinting at a Mrs. Degree

Don’t mention anything of the sort on dates—even if it blatantly comes up in conversation. Marriage what? Marriage who? If the topic arises, instantly switch to a “safe topic,” like sports, to cancel out your creepiness. The slightest indication of marriage will have the guy instantly pegging you as the freak who Photoshops pictures of the two of you together to predetermine what your children would look like.

Scratch the surface much? What other landmines do female law students consistently walk into that “erect” a barricade between them and fun times between the sheets? Speak now. Because Wednesday we tackle what keeps the male law school student body holding their own on a consistent basis.

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