Ten Ways for Women NOT to Get Sex in Law School

Gianna Scatchell Columns, Lawyer 29 Comments

As you girls know, law school is a vile institution in which hot males come in the same frequency as in a nursing home. But that’s no reason not to always be prepared. A female law student’s uber-busy lifestyle can easily cause her to overlook her own twitchy tendencies and turn a blind eye to parts of her busted self that are major turn-offs. But if she has needs—and we know she has needs—she’ll need to mind the way she projects herself if she hopes to ever meet a man in the barren law school landscape.

To help shine a light, here are some of the self-imposed sex-blocking characteristics female law students will assuredly need to overcome to find a man:

1. Being Indignant

Knock it off! Everyone gets it. You’re a female in law school. You’ve proven yourself, so shut the eff up and stop talking about Title XII already. There’s no better way to emasculate the guy who just bought you one of your trite, $15 Sex & the City-inspired Cosmos you still think are so of-the-moment. Get over yourself, cheer the hell up and try on smile—like for realz.

2. Wearing Pearls

Overcome your over-educated instincts. It’s not mandatory to wear the family pearls with your popped-collar Lacoste shirt. Guys aren’t hot for a pearl necklace—not that kind, anyway. Stop focusing on being an Eleanor (Roosevelt). Though, it’s okay to be a Marilyn.

3. Owning More than One Color of Highlighter

I love highlighters as much as the next gunner, but seriously, it is not okay to set up shop in every class by creating a vertical rainbow of highlighters. It’s weird. And it spells OCD-tendencies like Reese Witherspoon in Election.

4. Updating Facebook, Twitter, etc., with Self-Proclaiming Messages

You know the ones. Updates about how great of a catch you are or how much fun it is being single. Yawn, snore, ignore! Newsflash: These self-damaging messages are not making your ex-boyfriend or odd fling at all jealous. Instead, you’re deterring potential future prospects by looking like a narcissistic alcoholic. Nothing says “sexy” like the “too fun” single girl who has to be mopped up off the floor.

5. Updating Facebook, Twitter, etc., with Self-Deprecating Messages

Spare us about how you’re going to die alone in a world filled with cats and candles. And your shades of vague (“. . . is conflicted”) make men glaze over (and us women dry heave) more than curious. The other favorite is the, “On a date tonight.” Let’s face it, if that’s your status message, you’re spending the evening pretending you’re on a date while curled up in the fetal position watching Lifetime movies and digging your way to the bottom a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

6. Playing (Unattractively) Hard-to-Get

No one is that smitten with you, kitten. If you like boys, act like you do! Honestly, most of the time you’re just playing coy and driving yourself crazy wondering if he likes you or not for the sole purpose of being able to reject him. Not. Productive. Not. Getting you laid.

7. Trying to Sound Intellectual

You’d think it would go without saying, but for whatever reason, every girl in law school dabbles in it at one time or another. Parsing together the biggest words in legalese makes you totally…avoidable! The guy will be about as turned on as if you were discussing your menstrual cycle or a yeast infection. Just don’t. Which brings us to…

8. Alluding to Reproduction

The only time that the topics “fertility” or “biological clock” should come up is if you’re explaining the fertile-octogenarian rule. And why should that rule ever come up? Shelve it for tutoring some hot 1L. As far as guys are concerned, you’re interested in sex—not breeding.

9. Letting Yourself Go

Being in law school is absolutely no excuse to beef up. Sure, you’re tired and weak from all the incessant briefing, clerking and reading, but nothing opens the chastity floodgates like cottage-cheese thighs and cubicle ass. The sexiest thing about your ass should be the gym pass in your back pocket. And don’t be afraid to put some shampoo and a brush through that greasy weave you’ve got kickin’. We’re all busy—but personal upkeep is never optional.

10. Uttering “Prenup” or Anything Hinting at a Mrs. Degree

Don’t mention anything of the sort on dates—even if it blatantly comes up in conversation. Marriage what? Marriage who? If the topic arises, instantly switch to a “safe topic,” like sports, to cancel out your creepiness. The slightest indication of marriage will have the guy instantly pegging you as the freak who Photoshops pictures of the two of you together to predetermine what your children would look like.

Scratch the surface much? What other landmines do female law students consistently walk into that “erect” a barricade between them and fun times between the sheets? Speak now. Because Wednesday we tackle what keeps the male law school student body holding their own on a consistent basis.

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  • Anon

    Okay, the highlighter thing was funny.

  • Alma Federer

    You guys are sad.  You really think that we have to adjust to suit YOUR needs?  We are in law school, too, so we don’t have do do anything to impress men.  That is what is so sad about you men.  We women are accomplished, and moreso than many of you jokers.  I personally was very smart in school, had multicolored highlighters and never found the need to attract any males.  They came buzzing over to me just because I was pretty.  Unfortunately, nearly all of the guys were interested just in having sex with me.  I wanted a guy who would be there for the long-term, but it never happened.  Now that I am out in the world, making a name for myself as an attorney, I still see guys acting like frat boys.  They still just want to have sex with me.  Well, my legs are sealed to that kind of men.  No men will get close to me unless they want to commit to marriage and family.  To the losers who only want to have sex, you must look elsewhere.  I have morals AND scrupules.  No sex without marriage.  And you must be able to support me once I have children..  I am not being unreasonable and my father has told me never to settle for a loser.

  • Schadenfreude

    Alma, you have finally revealed your root issue. “… and my father has told me never to settle for a loser.” I should have guessed, daddy issues.

  • Ace in the Hole

    That’s right Alma, don’t settle!  Keep those legs closed – lord knows we don’t want you breeding.

  • Craig

    70% of these categories are meaningless.  Really, a pearl necklace will prevent a women from getting sex?  Multiple highlighters are the first thing guys notice for sure, right?  Gimme a break.  Basically 8,9 and 10 are all that matters.

  • Alma Federer

    What makes you losers think that I have to do something to impress you?  I am the one YOU need to impress.  I have both a career and a personality.  I am the one who will be able to bring children into the world.  You men need women like me to validate yourselves.  I really don’t see why you men think that beautiful women have to cow-tow to you?  What do you have that we want?  We want security and a family, but we don’t want casual sex with slobbering idiots, which is all that I see here.  If I found a guy as good as my dad, I would marry him, but all I see is mediocrity.  Even the managing partner at my firm said if he were 20 years younger, he’d marry me in an instant.  So there.  Fooey on you dumb guys.  Just because you have a JD degree does not get me hot in the least.  I have one too.  So there.

  • PromQueen

    Oh… I was SO the highlighter 1L
    And girls… really?? I know when I walked in 1L year I was at my peak. Now, as a 3L I think I’ve straightened my hair all of once.
    Maybe some sex would help unravel some of this up tight BS thats coming out in these comments.
    Get your hair did’, go get laid, then come back and learn to make fun of yourselves.

  • Chris

    Alma, the above article was written by a woman.

  • pearlsqueen

    no one gets between me and my fresh waters.  and it’s a theory blouse and not lacoste.  hilar.

  • Schadenfreude

    Alma, see category 4 and apply it to Bitter Lawyer posting. No one wants to impress you. Your phony bravado is sickening.

  • Prom Queen

    Well Alma.. I think you do a pretty good job of showing us #1, #6, #7 and even #8 by talking about bringing children into the world. That makes this post pretty spot on, thank you for proving the writer correct. Maybe if you post a photo we can cross off a few more numbers?

  • Tammy

    I’m a 1L 2nd semester & 43 divorced with no kids. Women, don’t be that person everybody knows is full of themselves, uptight & fake. It’s law school, yes, but get over it. We are ALL in law school. Guys, don’t for a minute think we are going to try as hard as you think we should. We’re saddled with the same workload as you. Getting up an hour earlier to look our best and spending an hour of study time in the gym every day…let’s just say, it doesn’t take all that just to get laid! If you have to try THIS hard, you need to check your game!

  • Zman2L

    highlighter thing was funny

  • Slobbering Idiot

    Is Alma serious?  I’m starting to think she is intentionally trying to perpetuate each and every stereotype contained on the list.  In the event that you are really that pathetic allow me to speak on behalf of all the slobbering idiots.  We do not want to have sex with you.  In fact, we make fun of you as soon as you are out of ear shot.  You suck, and you make the legal profession miserable.  Your Dad sucks worse for not even giving you a chance of being a moderately tolerable human being.  That’s all.

  • Guano Dubango

    Alma, please let me go officially on record as taking the opposite view from the people on this site who are not being nice.  I officially wish to say that I am interested in you, and would treat you right if you dated me.  I am not interested just in sex.  I want to date you, and will be there in the morning for you.  I do not even know for sure if you are beautiful, but will take your word on it, as I am a trusting man in search of a relationship with a law beauty.  Please give me a chance, and I will prove that I am worthy of being husbandly.  I have LLM from Georgetown and work in New York City.  Do not listen to others on this site who may not like me.  We could make a cute couple, if you are beautiful.

  • Bitter Overseas

    I think the article is way off. I think that, at any given time, most women can get sex pretty darn easily. Especially law school women, most of whom are pretty determined. It may not be always with the guy they really want, but..you get the point. As for Alma (who is probably just some dude somewhere laughing), there are plenty of men out there interested in something meaningful and long term. Everybody needs to be loved.

  • Elmer G

    Bitter Overseas is right.  When I was in law school, all the men were extremely anxious to find any female who would screw, even if the women were ugly as sin.  I don’t think times have changed.  A few lucky guys wound up getting the best women and the rest of us had to clamber around to try and impress the dogs trying to get whatever action was left.  This often required a lot of alcohol on Thursday nites, and major regrets when we saw what we had done the next day/week.  Inevitably, some of these ugly women became clingy, once they had done the dirty deed, and this resulted in some hard feelings after we had sobered up.  So I can understand why women like Alma may be bitter lawyers, as they were probably misled on one of those Thursday nites after a pitcher or 2 of beer.  I don’t think the modern women really have to do much if all they want is to get laid.  Literally, all they have to do is hint how horny they are to the guy who is sitting next to them and 9 times out of 10, the guy will have her in the sack that night.  So women out there, prove me wrong. Tell me men have all of a sudden become picky.  I would be very surprised if men won’t jump and hump the first woman who gives them a chance.

  • Bitter Guy

    Spot on Elmer – even the crazy vibe or self-important rants of an Alma type won’t put a guy off for a night, it’s very easy for any woman who isn’t scary-ugly or 300+ lbs to get laid.  Of course, that doesn’t mean he’ll be your boyfriend, and Alma sounds like she’s just the type that most guys would f–k while thinking of a plan to be gone ASAP and excuses for the followup call.

  • Anonymous

    Agreed.  Women have it made.  Forget the adage the early bird gets the worm.  Every bird who wants a worm can have one.  As for us guys, one in the Bush is worth ten in the hand.

  • See The Forgoing

    It’s funny that Alma hit almost all ten of the above in two comments. I guess the post has been proven to be accurate.

  • TaxxxGirl

    Some of these are absolutely dead on, others are pretty difficult to avoid. Girls in law school are always accused of playing too much at being too hard to get. I always had a hard time being interested in guys who were my age in school who weren’t doing something vaguely analogous to law (and that doesn’t necessarily mean grad ed at all). A girl in her early 20s getting a JD isn’t going to have as much to chat with a guy the same age working in an entry-level job or taking an undergrad victory lap and interning somewhere as she does with a guy who is also in grad school or working hard. It wasn’t snobbery, I dated tons of non-doctor, lawyer, finance guys, but it’s hard to find common ground and guys are way intimidated by a girl who is more educated than they are. A guy can “date down” (i.e. undergrad communications major) in law school, but a girl doesn’t generally have the same privilege.

  • “Frat” boy

    3 to 1 odds that Alma switches between the “Self-Deprecating” and “Self-Promoting” facebook statuses, and throws in the occassional “So slammed with (enter clever legal term/work/study subject here) status…
    And who is she kidding – all women “hate” the frat-jd hybrid of men out in public, but they still go home with them after happy hour…

  • Lawz

    Alma, we know your issues can we also have your facebook page link?

  • Guano Dubango

    I stand ready, willing and able to service any law beauty who needs a sexual release, including Alma. 
    No woman has left unfulfilled from my bed.

  • although to be fair…

    “No woman has left unfulfilled from my bed.”
    …you could have removed the words “left” and “unfulfilled” and the sentence would still be accurate.

  • although to be fair…

    sigh. what an idiot. i messed up that sitter of a gag because i can’t read. FAIL.

  • www.punchdrunklawyer.blogspot.com

    (1) don’t show off like you’re so smart; while

    (2) not acting like a floozy bimbo.
    Methinks the middle ground the writer allows for is perhaps narrower than implied.  Probably hasn’t had a good relationship in a while.

  • Galen J.

    Women need to simply state what they want, and take the same care they expect out of their mates.

    If a woman takes care of herself and treats others with respect, then she shouldn’t settle for anything less in a man.

    And if a girl wants to knock boots, well then she should walk up to the guy she want to with, ask him bluntly for a no nonsense night of fun, and move on.

    You’re in law school and you will be out and in your fields with plenty of single attorneys, doctors, and NORMAL people from which you can choose to mate with. Perhaps in this economy, you should be focused on being better attorneys, and worry less about the next stab in the dark.

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