Before the show starts I catch the end of America’s Funniest Home Videos and are these new episodes? How does this show exist with YouTube around? Will America never tire of videos of people almost grievously injuring themselves and others being broadcast into their homes? APPARENTLY NOT, because Bachelor in Paradise is still on! (See what I did there?)
The show manages to both spoil the upcoming episode and take way too long recapping the previous episode in the same promo for the show I am currently watching, which is a real achievement. Our credits now include Jorge, “The Bartender,” surely the hardest working man in paradise.
We return to paradise, already in the midst of a freak out, as Clare has run out of the rose ceremony. “The only guy who followed her is Chris Harrison and that’s probably because he’s paid to do it,” Ashley I. narrates, deliciously. Harrison talks to Clare delicately, like she is a troubled zoo animal. (She is. That’s the joke, guys.)
Clare is crying because she doesn’t see love here. It’s true, it’s mostly just tequila here. She keeps reiterating that this is her third time on a Bachelor show. Could it be that reality shows AREN’T the way to find love? Unpossible.
Ashley S. continues her streak of being deeply perceptive by noting that Clare probably thinks this process is “pathetic.” YES. Come hang out with me, Ashley S., and share your thoughts.
Clare clearly wasn’t leaving. She gives her rose to JJ for some reason. Juelia gives her rose to Joe because OBVIOUSLY SHE DOES. I probably didn’t cover it last time but in addition to being a single mom, Juelia is a widow, so nice job picking the absolute nicest, saddest lady on this show to screw over, Joe.
“Rose before bros,” Joe says. Like you’re not awful enough, Joe? And so, Mikey T. and Jonathan go home.
The next day Juelia continues making me super sad, saying Joe would be a good dad. She declares love for him sort of? As she’s making all these sad declarations of doomed, one sided love like some kind of mermaid princess, IN WALKS: lace pants, aka Samantha.
Harrison points out she didn’t get any airtime with Chris the farmer, but she intends to make up for it now! And how. She is very, very pretty. There is a lizard that is also hanging out, eating stuff. The lizards are a symbol of the Joe-Samantha relationship, I think, because they keep showing lizards.
Samantha immediately picks Joe to go on with her date card and everyone’s like “Hmmmm” except for Joe and Samantha who are sticking their tongues down each other’s throats.
The dudes totally realize that Joe and Samantha were talking before the show despite Joe’s denials, and Joe chooses the “stick with your lie” approach, even though Tanner knows. Tanner knowing your secret is like Ralph Wiggum knowing your secret: it’s very hard for him to cope and it makes him sort of squirmy. Joe suggests he is “villing,” which apparently means acting like a villian. I don’t think he’s acting, and I don’t think that’s a term. Don’t try to make “villing” happen.
The date is posing for sexy photos for People magazine (synergy!) and Kate Coyne, executive editrix of People, is wearing a lipstick way too dark for her. I’m just saying, Kate. Joe talks about having “dad bod.” There’s several erection jokes and come on, show. People magazine is PG!
Back in the other part of paradise, Juelia has finally figured out what about ten thousand people told her, which is that Joe is not going to be her daughter’s new father, so now she is sad. When Samantha and Joe return from the date, Juelia is making sad stinkface.
Let’s take a pause here: JOE IS NOT HOT ENOUGH FOR THIS TO BE HAPPENING. He looks like a horse and he needs to be kicked in the face post haste.
Samantha and Joe get into a pool and the show makes it seem like they have sex in the pool. I can’t say whether or not that really happened, obviously, but just as a general rule, that’s a one-way ticket to a yeast infection and also you should use a condom with the rando guy you are hooking up with in paradise. This has been a public service announcement. Juelia is repeatedly using “literally” wrong while pronouncing it as if it has two t’s. They intercut Joe and Samantha’s pool sex with Juelia talking to her kid on the phone. Classy!
Ashley S., girl detective, is onto Joe. She calls him out on knowing Samantha before the show and he finally admits to it. Ashley S. labels what Joe did as “emotional abuse,” and I agree!
Periodically the show updates us on the rest of these weirdos and their relationships (?):
Clare gets on a phone to Sacramento, but Sacramento is apparently a raccoon chewing on a cell phone. This raccoon is super cute. Is it the same as the one that wanted to drink wine? Why is paradise full of wild animals?
Tanner and Jade kiss in a pool. I hope they really disinfect these pools.
Carly and Kirk are in love. Kirk’s “abs have abs.” Jade and Carly discuss having sex with their respective dudes. This can only mean one thing! Date card for Carly! As it turns out Kirk is experiencing that feeling of “is there another woman I might like better than this one?”
Carly is missing her brother (also a Bachelor(ette) alum)’s wedding. In Ireland. On the date, Kirk is speaking the language of your college boyfriend who’s like, just kind of wanted this to be a casual thing? But he’s, like, not here to hurt your feelings? But one call to Carly’s sleepy newlywed brother convinces Kirk to have sex with her, apparently.
The next day, Kirk says Carly is “like a pinball machine.” I pause the TV to ask the fiancé what he makes of this statement. “She makes dinging sounds?”
Ashley S. gets some of Jorge’s wisdom and talks about her love for Dan. Dan is also wiggling around a bit like your college boyfriend. He’s afraid that Ashley S. is crazy, I think? I’m not really paying attention, I’m just thinking a lot about how much I love Ashley S. She has these cute glasses. I give her all my roses. Also, Ashley S.’s whole shtick is being the “crazy” one, so not sure why Dan is suddenly feeling weird about that. Handle it, man.
Ashley S. and her cute glasses talk to Dan about liking Dan, and Dan talks about “red flags” and not being sure their personalities mesh. Ashley S. immediately calls him out for being weird. “I’m not gonna live by this darkness, I’m gonna live by the sun, and love by the moon,” Ashley S. says in her interview. Then she says “Bye, Felicia.” I love her more than the sun and the moon.
Oh, and there’s a girl that Harrison is standing around waiting for named Megan. Megan is getting the “total dumbass” edit. She is wandering around Puerto Vallarta with no suitcase, a sombrero, and a full camera crew.
In her interview Megan says she is excited to have a man “all up in” her business. Then a crab eats another crab while she’s talking. I think this is a metaphor?? Anyway Dan is into her business. So is JJ. She has been cheated on in every one of her relationships and doesn’t want to pick a jerk, so she decides to go on a date with JJ because she was apparently unaware of his edit.
Dan takes Joe to talk to Juelia. Joe does his usual routine of lies and shit. No one cares. The show ends with Juelia taking Samantha away to tell her the truth! Joe then forgets Juelia’s name.
Monday night, THE DRAMA OF PARADISE CONTINUES into a THIRD HOUR…
The narrator says Joe is paying the price for being a BLEEP. There is an actual bleep. That’s great. Meanwhile, Jorge is still in the credits. I hope Jorge gets residuals from this.
In their talk, Samantha isn’t picking up what Juelia’s putting down re: Joe, she feels like it’s “drama,” and she wants to go back to having sex in pools or thinks Joe should be sitting there defending himself. She has now violated girl code, so they are now enemies. The show keeps cutting to iguanas. Do iguanas eat crabs, do crabs eat iguanas, or what? What’s the food chain here in paradise anyway?
Tanner reveals that Samantha texted Joe to “do whatever it takes” to stay in paradise. He knows because he saw a screenshot! TANNER HAS SEEN THE RECEIPTS!
Tanner and Jared go to talk to Joe but after a few minutes, Samantha kicks everyone, including the cameraman, out. But duh, there’s still cameras and they are wearing microphones, so poor thinking. I’m not entirely sure what the hell Samantha is doing but she seems to be trying to get their story straight and is telling Joe to lie about how much contact they had before the show. Then we cut to her interview where she’s telling all the apparent lies she was coaching Joe to tell. It all seems pretty nefarious, like these people might not be here for…the right reasons.
Oh boy, then Amber joins us and I don’t know who she is, either. She immediately asks Dan out, which is awkward because Ashley S. loves Amber. Ashley S. continues setting responsible boundaries, being honest, and telling the truth, which is characterized as “crazy” on reality TV.
Jade gives us the state of the relationships, since three girls are going home this week. The couples are Jade and Tanner, Carly and Kirk, Jared and Ashley I., Joshua and Tenley, and cut to the happy date of JJ and Megan. Dan goes on his date with Amber. Joe and Samantha try to have sex in the ocean, and Juelia and Ashley S. can see them, so they agree to bond together in sisterhood. Ashley S. decides to go hang out with the parrots. She brings one to her interview and it poops on her.
On their date, Dan and Amber are yelled out by a crowd to kiss. There are fireworks. They’re in love or something. Amber doesn’t care about girl code! There is no girl code in paradise!
JJ is super mad at Joe because he likes Juelia and she is a girl (what?) and confronts him. The show ends with Jared speaking my subtext by talking about how much he likes JJ more than Joe and didn’t see that coming.
Next time: Will JJ knock Joe’s hillbilly teeth out? Ashley I. cries! Samantha plays honest! There are horses! And yachts! Accidental weddings! Virginity losses! And lies!
Fiancé: “It doesn’t sound like paradise. It sounds stressful.”
Amen, Fiancé. Amen.