Previously on THE BACHELOR: Olivia was mean! Emily told Ben about it! And then in the middle of a rose ceremony, shock of shocks, horror of all horrors, BEN ASKED TO TALK TO OLIVIA! We join The Bachelor in medias res, as the women debate what Ben might be talking to Olivia about. Ben is, of course, asking Olivia if she’s been acting like a horrible troll-footed demon to the other women in the house. Olivia doesn’t answer his question, instead going on about how she’s not like all the other girls and likes “reading books” and “thinking” and “talk smart things.”
In her interview, Olivia declares that the other women are jealous and they should “come at me, bro.”1 Finally, she starts crying. Of course.
Ben is unable to resist Olivia’s completely artificial tears, so he brings her back to the group. The rose ceremony proceeds. As the person who pointed out Olivia’s bad behavior, Emily immediately starts wondering if she’s going to go home. Emily says that if she goes home tonight, “that would be the worst thing in the world.” Not to get all fallacy of relative privation on a contestant on a dating reality show, but I think we can all agree that sending Emily home to her twin would not be the worst thing in the world. In the end, Emily receives the final rose, and a brunette goes home. I wish we got some kind of reminder montage like on American Idol when one of these women goes home because I don’t know who the brunette is. Better luck on Bachelor in Paradise, maybe!
Ben announces that they’ve experienced all that the tourism bureau of Mexico could afford to pay them to experience, and they’re moving on to the Bahamas! The episode preview promises that it’s sun, sand, sea, and tears. “Maybe I won’t find love?” Ben wonders. Yeah, sure.
Harrison greets the women when they arrive in the Bahamas and announces that there will be a one on one, a group date, and a two on one. Leah, who I honestly don’t remember, shows that she is also confused about who she is, why she is here, and where she fits into this whole crazy show. When the one on one date goes to Caila, Leah vents her frustrations not having “more time.” Ben tells the viewers at home that he needs more time with Caila, and it’s Kevin Hart and Ice Cube’s fault. Leah gets herself worked up over the date and sobs, complains, sobs, vents, sobs, and declares “The universe brought us together in this process!”
For Caila’s date, after spending time on a boat, Ben takes her to dinner and asks if she’ll cry on his shoulder, since he’ll want to cry with her. Ben seems very intense about finding a woman who will deal with him crying. She says she’s not ready for the crying part, but she feels like she loves him. She declares a fear she might hurt him. Ben is confused. So am I. Ultimately, she tells him she feels “something” for him and he gives her a rose.
Leah gets put on another group date. The 2-on-1 goes to Olivia and Emily because of course it does.
The group date is…I don’t even know how to explain this. There are pigs that swim in the fine waters of the Bahamas, apparently.
The women are given (chicken) hot dogs to feed to the pigs. Absolute madness follows. This show has shown me a lot of horrific things, but the sight of a bunch of women in bikinis swimming with pigs is one of the worst ever. “Why is this happening?” I whisper to myself. Once the pigs are exhausted, Ben goes swimming with Lauren B. and the women feel awkward. He discusses his own awkwardness with JoJo.
JoJo has been friendzoned, hard.
“How do you date this many women you have feelings for and keep them happy?” Ben wonders. You don’t, Ben. You just don’t.
Leah chooses this time to tell Ben he sucks for making her a “group date groupie.” I love it. While pigs squeal in the background and Ben looks baffled, Leah cries. He reassures her, but once he’s gone, Leah tells one of the other women that Ben is an idiot.
Leah…you know Ben will watch this eventually, right? That night, Leah says Lauren B. isn’t who Ben thinks she is. I’m not clear on since when Leah hates Lauren B. Like a school pot-stirrer, Ben immediately tells Lauren B. that someone talked smack about her. Lauren B. runs crying to the remaining women, and Leah says, “gee, who would do such a thing,” and I’m again wondering if Leah knows she is on a TV show? Other people will see all this eventually? Amanda gets the group date rose.
As the other women figure out that Leah must have been the one to tell Ben Lauren B. was fake, Leah goes over to Ben’s room to continue her scheming. Ben realizes that Leah is full of it because she won’t stop talking about Lauren B. Ben tells Leah that she should go home. Leah: “I literally did not see that coming.”
Emily and Olivia talk smack about each other in their interviews.2 For their date, they’re taken out in miserable weather to a little island. Ben takes Olivia away to talk, and talk she does. “Deep intellectual things are just my jam.” She tells him she loves him. Meanwhile, Emily tells him she wants him to watch her grow (What?). After talking to both women, Ben tells Olivia goodbye. Emily is happy several times over to watch Olivia be left behind on an island while she returns to the Bahamas with Ben. The other women are stunned to see a PA take out Olivia’s suitcase. “She was really confident before the date,” Caila says mildly. Meanwhile, I’m impressed by what I assume is a shot filmed from a drone that shows how thoroughly Olivia has been abandoned in the middle of nowhere with no Ben. Tragic.
Ben is feeling, after dealing with an exceptional level of Machiavellian plotting from TWO masterminds this week, that he might not find love in this process. Not find love on a reality show? Unpossible! As a result, Harrison tells the stunned women that Ben has cancelled the cocktail party and is proceeding immediately to the rose ceremony. Roses are given to Becca, JoJo, and…Lauren B. Lauren H. is going home. So, there’s Becca, JoJo, Lauren B., Emily, Amanda, and Caila left standing.
Lauren H. says she doesn’t “get” what Ben wants. “Why is it so hard to fall in love?” wonders a woman who quit her job to appear on a TV reality show. I think my favorite thing about this show is how often the women who leave declare that they are disillusioned with love as an institution.
Next week, we continue to separate the blondes from the brunettes! There will be love! And families! And everyone, including Ben, will cry. There will also be a special Valentine’s day “Bachelor 20” party where all your favorite trainwrecks will show up to do what they do best: get drunk and act inappropriate on TV. I for one cannot wait.