I knew I had to stop when Bill Withers called The Big Bang Theory his favorite show. Normally I don’t defer to the tastes of celebrities, but this was one of about four possible exceptions. I had been listening to Bill Withers all day. I had just returned from a road trip that was largely an excuse to sing “Lean On Me” without public scrutiny. I was reading his interview like it was gospel, and I got to that aside, recoiled in my chair, took a deep breath, and said “this is over.”
Right, but what was over? My days of trying to crack sitcom writing with the world’s most challenging Big Bang Theory script were over. I should have known it when the work stopped being fun. I should have known it six months into the process of writing a 30-page project that I never even came close to registering with the WGA. I should have known it when I started mining archaic philosophy books for dialogue inspiration. I should have known it when the show’s executive producer explicitly ordered me not to send him my rough draft. And yet I didn’t know it, because I didn’t want my life’s work to be over.
But the show’s season finale is tomorrow, and that’s a good time to bring the curtain down. I’m not going to sell my Big Bang Theory spec. I’m not going to copyright it. I’m not even going to distribute it to Chuck Lorre via leaflet campaign, like I repeatedly threatened I would in moments of unchecked bravado. I’m just going to show you the script in its entirety, so that you may know what I tried and failed to do: write the world’s greatest study of dictatorial thought, revolutionary priming, the moral decay and relativism of the Harvard curriculum that led to MKUltra, the philosophical motivations behind torture, and above all else, science.
A great many of you have asked me, “Kaleb Horton, did you ever watch a single episode of the damn thing?” and I always hung my head and answered no. I felt it would compromise the integrity of my vision to know more than what I already knew, which was that The Big Bang Theory was about two scientists. Two scientifically driven men of impure motive and questionable morality. I considered it my job to take this simple reality and use it to probe the nature of evil. Because the television landscape was not addressing this question. It hid away from it. I had to shine a light on the cowardice of Hollywood.
Enough rambling. Let me show you the script so you may learn by it even if the masses will never see it. Absorb it. Absorb the privileged information of its pages. And as you absorb it, permit me to note that I have condensed it somewhat. That I have taken concepts originally explored for dozens of pages and reduced them to mere sentences. That I have taken a novel, perhaps a series of novels, and reduced it in pursuit of a pure truth. So gradual reveals become sudden reveals. Major characters are reduced to single lines or eliminated entirely. None of the pages are numbered. And the first page wasn’t even relevant to the rest of the story. Do not blame me, however. Blame CBS for failing, yes, me, they failed me, but you also. They failed the country.