The Forbidden Law Firm Fruit

There are a few things in this world that just don’t mix well: Oil and water, Kanye and Taylor, girlfriends and female co-workers that I’ve banged. As I’ve documented before, I’ve dipped my pen in the company ink on more than one occasion.  And it’s never had much consequence (that I’ve cared about, anyway), but add a girlfriend to the mix, and things get sticky.

Yes.  I said it.  Girlfriend.  We’ve been dating for over four months, and I haven’t slept with anyone else yet.  So maybe I have actual feelings for this girl.  She even recently began meeting my friends.  Sure, there’s always something a little annoying about being nervous that one of them will open their fat mouth and say something stupid about my sordid past, but so far, they haven’t fucked it up for me.  In September, she met my family, which I have no problem with given I haven’t banged any of them.  In fact, my mother still thinks I go to church every Sunday.  In that environment, I’m a saint.  And what girl wouldn’t love me after being there?

The real problems begin at my law firm.  I can shield her from just about every crazy ex or one-night stand, but given I still work with women whose plumbing I have inspected, that’s where it becomes difficult.  It’s not like I would bring her into the office and point out random staffers, being like “Banged her, didn’t bang those two, banged that one with the lazy eye at the firm retreat…” But eventually their paths will cross.

I was concerned about one girl in particular, mainly because I actually consider her my at-work girlfriend.  Jordanna and I have worked together since day one at the firm. We’re in the same group and often on the same deals.  And did I mention she’s Brazilian?  That point alone automatically makes her a threat to any real girlfriend.

I swear that Jordanna and I are just friends.  Well, at least by my definition anyway. We hooked up when we were first years. Having met at orientation when we both snuck out of some IT seminar to get coffee, in the law firm universe, we were considered the cool kids.  A few weeks later, out at an event, we somehow ended up back at her place for a night of ridiculous Brazilian sex.  (If you don’t know what I mean, then you’ve never had a Carnival-style dance over your scrotum till it is raw and begging for mercy).  We later decided it was a bad idea and actually ended up becoming friends.

Over the years, there have been a few occasions when I get wasted and text her late night.  Once in a great while, she accepts my aggressive overtures.  But on the whole, I consider our relationship to be platonic.  Unfortunately, I knew my girlfriend wouldn’t quite see it that way.

You see, I committed a cardinal sin in a moment of drunken weakness two weeks ago and admitted to my girlfriend that Jordanna and I have had sex.  She and I were talking about how my day went when I stupidly mentioned going to lunch with Jordanna.  Without a beat of hesitation, she asked if we ever hooked up.

The thing about girls is that their instincts are usually pretty good. One of my best friends, Eric, summed it up perfectly for me a few years ago when I was rampantly cheating on a previous girlfriend and complaining about how paranoid she was acting: “It’s not paranoia if you’re doing it!”

So, I guess that my girlfriends have a right to be suspicious—all girlfriends have a right to be suspicious, especially when dating pond scum like me.  But, in a situation where I actually feel like I can be trusted, it’s annoying.

I denied ever hooking up with Jordan every time my girlfriend asked, which was about 30 times.  I was perfectly content with denying it because I knew there was no upside to coming clean.  (Any guy who thinks brutal honesty gets you anywhere is dead wrong.  It only gets you a one-way ticket to the doghouse.  Permanently.)

Yet, stupidly, the 31st time she asked, I admitted it.  And at that very moment, I knew I was no longer trusted to even be at work.

Me: I don’t see what the big deal is.
GF: The big deal is that you fucked her, probably more than once, and now you hang out all the time.

Can’t really argue with any of that.

GF: How do I know you aren’t still sleeping with her?
Me: That’s ridiculous. We’re just friends.  We don’t hang out, except for work functions.  No big deal.

Sometimes you honestly have to lie to earn trust.

GF:  If it’s no big deal then I wanna meet her.
Me: Okay, I’ll set up a lunch.  I think you guys will get along great.

That will be nothing more than a bitter hate-fest.

GF: I’m sure we will.

Meaning: She better be uglier than I’m picturing, or you’re in deep shit.

A small part of me foolishly thought that introducing them could somehow help my predicament… and maybe give me an outside shot at a threesome.  However, knowing my girlfriend—and knowing how girlfriends generally feel about Brazilian chicks—I knew it was an unlikely outcome.

But my girlfriend persisted, so the three of us went to lunch. Jordanna was perfectly polite, nice and remarkably un-flirty, but somehow Brazilian chicks just ooze sexuality.

Jordanna’s first words were, “Hi, it’s very nice to meet you.  I’ve heard so many great things.”

What my girlfriend heard was, “I am Jordanna, the girl you boyfriend pictures when he’s fucking you.  And yes, I don’t wear underwear to work.” (Wind rushing through her hair; Shakira blasting in the background.)

What I heard was, “If you weren’t here, Matt and I would be fucking right now.” (Huh?)

My girlfriend acted polite and laughed at all the right spots, but I could see the seething resentment below the surface.  It was one of those lunches where I didn’t go to the bathroom for fear of leaving them alone together.  Not missing a beat, Jordanna politely left a little early.

Me: See, she’s really nice, right?

GF: Yeah, she’s great, smart, funny, gorgeous.

Me: Oh, come on, you’re way hotter than her.

GF: So you think she’s hot?

Me: Nope. Not really.

GF: So why did you have sex with her?

Me: I was wasted.

GF: Oh, so if you get drunk it’s okay to have sex with her?

Any other guys get caught in this classic girlfriend trap argument? I would think at this point in my life I would know the right words, but I manage to screw it up every time.  Overcompensating commences.

Me: Look, I don’t like Jordanna. I have no interest in her. I like you.  If you don’t want me to hang out with her, I won’t hang out with her. I won’t even talk to her unless I have to for work stuff.

GF: Don’t be ridiculous, she’s your friend. I don’t want to be the reason you two stop talking.

I think, loosely translated, that means: I will never verbally forbid you from ever talking to her, but you best understand that I’m watching you.  I know your dirty tricks, and you best avoid her like the bubonic plague.  Or get fired.  Or die.

The minute I got back to the office and saw Jordanna in the hallway, I was outrageously horny for her.  I honestly hadn’t found her attractive in years. Even though she is objectively hot, working at a law firm long enough can even make even a spicy South American lose her luster. But for some fucked-up reason, I felt my loins burning (and not in a post-Spring Break Cancun way).  The simple fact that my girlfriend hated her only made me want to fuck her more.  And yes, folks, that’s how it works for a degenerate like me.

So, I guess I can’t blame my girlfriend for feeling threatened by Jordanna.  But I will blame her for making me want to bang her again. After all, it was her reaction that triggered a course of hormones unlike any I’ve ever felt.  She made Jordanna sexy again.  And I know that I will, without a doubt, not be able to rest until I sleep with her one more time.

A few days ago, Jordanna and I closed a deal together (which is not a euphemism). The client actually told us we could bring significant others to the closing dinner, which was an interesting test.  Seeing Jordanna in the office everyday now only makes me think about her going Carnivale on my unit.  Even though common sense told me I should bring my girlfriend as a preventative measure, I decided against it.  I wasn’t even going to mention it; however, she saw the invitation on my table at home.  So I had no choice but to act like I thought I already asked her to come along.

That night, my girlfriend pulled out all the stops.  She looked slammin’ and brought her A game as she politely mingled, just barely hiding her true desire to leap across the room and murder my work girlfriend.  I felt so good that all I could do was crush martinis and daydream about a bloodbath in my honor.

As we sat for dinner, I was hungry for some chupabacabra.  In a quick maneuver, my girlfriend shrewdly placed herself between me and Jordanna, ending my plan for illicit leg contact.  Lucky for me, I have become fairly adept at texting with my phone in my pocket, so I fired off something inappropriate to Jordanna.  I saw her read it, smiling, while keeping her phone in her purse.  She texted back: “You’ll have 2 ask ur gf 2 do that 2 you later.”

My girlfriend remained queen of the hill that night, but it’s only a matter of time.

Stay tuned.

Matthew Richardson is mergers & acquisitions by day, Unethical & Amoral by moonlight.

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  • KateLaw

    Girlfriend made a big mistake here, but it’s typical of so many women.  She should never have gotten so bothered by this Brazilian chick at his law firm.  Whether they’ve slept together or not and regardless of how much it gets to you, a woman should never get all possessive and crazy about a guy/his former flings.  It’s a huge turn-off.  Best solution: maintain a nonchalant coolness about the whole situation.  I’ve had to meet and mingle with so many of my boyfriend’s former conquests and I’ve even allowed myself to get friendly with some of them.  Is it because I need more female friends/acquaintances?  Heck no.  It’s because confidence is key in keeping your BF interested and committed.. That and the subtle ways of informing him that you Also have former conquests whom they may or may not have met.  A little bit of uncertainty, mystery, confidence and sexuality goes a loooong way in a lasting relationship -at least in my experience.

  • BL1Y

    Kate is right.  Getting jealous doesn’t make us want you more, it just annoys us.  Most guys will dump a girl when she becomes more annoying than fun.  And, it’ll only make us want the other girl more.  Get your paranoia in check, ladies.

  • Ugh

    You’re a total scrotum yourself.

  • Craig

    Great article.  Much appreciated.

  • TJW

    I hardly believe some pot-belly fat ass asscoiate is hooking up with hot associate ass in the firm. Your story drips of a wanna-be penthouse forum letter.  If any of this shit actually happened to you, you wouldn’t waste time writing about it.  But alas, here you are, writing shitty exploits of fictional events.

  • BL1Y

    TJW may be right.  Besides, who ever heard of a hot associate in the first place?

  • Anon Female

    Kate Law is right BIG mistake.

  • Anon Female

    BL1Y, there are hot associates once in a while!

  • Craig

    It does not matter to me at all whether his stories are true or not.  It is not like I live my life through this guy.  I do alright by myself.  The stories are just funny and entertaining as hell.  And they are no so far fetched that they are impossible to believe.  Good enough for me.  Great actually.

  • Craig

    As to what KateLaw had to say, I think that is a bunch of nonsense.  Guys like to make the women think it was something they did or their “craziness” was the reason they have strayed, or want to stray.  Don’t buy into it.  If the guy wants to have sex with another women, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.  KateLaw has obviously fallen into “the guy convinced me that I am jealous and crazy and that is why he no longer wants to be exclusive with me” trap.  Its bullshit and every guy has the ability to convince any women they are crazy.  It is in our DNA.

  • Craig

    Just for clarification, my above comments do not include the women who are actually crazy.  You guys know who you are.

  • KateLaw

    For the record, I’ve never fallen into any “guy convinced me that I am jealous and crazy and that is why he no longer wants to be exclusive with me” trap.  I agree that some guys will just cheat on you -regardless of what you do.  However, most guys will be more likely to want to get as far away from you as possible and/or cheat if you do act all crazy jealous over things like what is described in this post.  I think most guys like a bit of a challenge, whether you’ve been dating a week or a year.  It’s accomplished by the cool nonchalance I described before.  This is just in my experience, but I think that it’s almost an innate thing for guys to want to hold on to a woman who has a somewhat casual/non-obsessive attitude about things.  A woman’s relaxed indifference can be interpreted as her ability and willingness to move on to something new on a whim –something no male wants to fall victim to… hurts the ego.

  • Cheryl

    Um…hello—update: Men are hot for crazy.  The fact that the girlfriend in this story seems rational and sane is what makes him not attracted to her anymore.  The fact that Jezebel or Jordanna or whoever will flirt with him while both are sitting next to the girlfriend is the reason he’s attracted to her.  He didn’t care about her because she lacked a crazy, reckless, dramatic element—but now all he wants is her.  I love this article on why men love crazy women—it explains it all: <a href=”” title=”Why Guys Love Crazy Girls”>Why Guys Love Crazy Girls</a>

  • Craig

    KateLaw, your cool nonchalance will only convey to the guy that you are only in it for sex as well.  That you are not looking to get too attached.  This is where problems arise.  The guy really is cool and nonchalant, dating and sleeping with other women, while the women “acts” cool and nonchalant, while she is dying inside.  Act nonchalant, and any guy worth hanging on to will act the same towards you.  If a guy really likes you, you won’t have to “act” a certain way.  And if you do try to “trick” him into liking you, it will end up bad for everybody.  As to the crazy chick thing, every guy loves gorgeous girls.  Crazy, not crazy, does not matter.  And guys will get sick of each at about the same rate.

  • KateLaw

    Well, like I said before, this is what I think/do -And it’s worked fine for me.  I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year now and I know what keeps him around.  The nonchalance I described is not an “act” per se, but more a way of life.  Just wanted to share a bit of insight for the females on here.  Also, Cheryl, I think there’s a good kind of crazy and a bad one.  I believe you were describing the good one: open-minded, adventurous, interesting.  However, I think the whole point of this post was that he wanted Jordana again only because she had now become the forbidden fruit –not because of her crazy factor or anything else for that matter.

  • miserable associate

    Brazilian girls are hot, I wish we had one at my firm. I’m gonna call HR and see if they can hire one. Nice article.

  • Craigm

    Bummer man none at my firm either.

  • Lexilaw

    TJW – what rock have you been hiding under? there are women that will date men with pot bellies, that are short and that are not even reasonably attractive. it’s called a large wallet. hello.

  • Anonymous

    I think this Richardson guy hit the nail on the head when he described himself as “pond scum” and a “degenerate”.  But let’s be honest, that’s the only reason any of us read his articles!  Keep on scribbling my friend.  Can’t wait to hear what happens with this Brazilian.

  • Cheryl

    OMG, who drew Matthew Richardson to be a potbellied shorty?  I don’t read him that way at all.  I don’t expect he’s Robert Pattinson by any means, but surely he has enough looks to be this crude yet still be charming, yes?

  • Guano Dubango

    There is nothing wrong with this man.  I also believe you must seperate the woman you call your girlfriend away from work from the women you may bang at work.  Nothing good can come of bringing women who share having your weenie together, as they become quite catty and possessive.  It was my experience when I had a dry spell, that I found a generally unattractive girl who was very much uninhibited.  Of course, I treated her very well and she did so for me.  When I attended law school, I found a few women worth banging, but they too were not too attractive to the outsiders.  The trick I learned was to keep these women from meeting.  I could only imagine the problem if each were to meat each other.  Now that I am in a law firm, I have yet to bang any of the females.  They know that I am going home to Ghana, and they are not interested in joining me.  My girlfriend knows I eventually will return to Ghana, but she sticks with me because she has nothing else going.  Which is fine with me, because frankly, her sex is as good as any one elses, just so long as I overook the fact she is very heavy.

  • Anon

    I think you have to question any man who claims they have gone four months without cheating.  That, above anything else, strains Mr. Richardson’s credibility.

  • female perspective lawyer

    so who’s right. are you the pot bellied pig one of your readers asked you if you are? i’m guessing not. is it your confidence that makes them stay around? or do you have some other sort of je-ne-sais-qua characteristic you’re too coy to tell us makes these women come back for more. Even though you have almost told all. tell us more, write on, matt, spill your secrets! i’m hooked on your analysis of male-female relations or the law/sex nexus so to speak. i could use a little spice on my enchilada.

  • Lady lawyer

    Our hot attorney, I wonder if he is bragging or complaining.

  • Alma Federer

    This dialogue glorifies cheap sex and is disgraceful.  I would never sleep with a man casually, and I would throw this man out of my life if he was carrying on with another woman while he was dating me.  The trouble these days is that men demand sex as a prerequisite to future relationship, while women want a relationship before they will engage in sex.  Personally, I have no problem keeping a dime in between my knees in the early stages of a relationship.  It is sad that to many women give in to men and their carnal desire to copulate, and then they feel cheap and abandoned when the man moves on to copulate with another woman.  I say WOMEN let’s make a concerted effort NOT to give in to men who will say or do most anything to get us to spread our legs, then dump us unceremoneously when they see another woman who they want to have sex with.  I am not saying let’s take a vow of chastity.  I am saying we withhold sex until we are VERY sure the guy will be there for the long term.  I know some guys will disagree with me, but that’s only because they long for quick & easy sex.  Not with me, guys.

  • Damn

    Darn right Alma.  Keep those legs closed – lord knows we don’t want you to reproduce!

  • Son Of Guano

    Alma:  Women are rarely happy, file for 2/3 of divorces and age in the suburbs with a vodka bottle and three cats.  Because they spend their youth and wasting good looks seeking good looking douchebag-boyfriends (DBBF’s), instead of nice guys like Guano.  80% of women prefer bad boys–and then are stunned when he acts like one.  If she marries one, he’s bad with kids, sleeps with neighbors, drinks beer all night, slaps her on the ass in public, rarely works, and comes home late.  But it has a sizzle for her, since most women are not the nesters and accumulators men are.  Most women are fun lovers, wasters and spenders.  Then, in her 30’s after one too many DBBF events, she marries a Non-douchebag good guy who will keep a steady roof over her head.  But deep down she “knows” she is settling–giving up the “one” DBBF who would be “loyal” to her, She is unhappy because he does not do douchbag things .  If he’s smart he ends it quickly (or never marries) and finds someone newer, younger, hotter. He knows he is not the one she wanted.  Don’t blame the DBBF: they are up front about who they are. Are you? Don’t blame the good guys: they know you’re looking for a DBBF: they want to find a woman that will value them and not a DBBF, and who will sleep with them without an obstacle course that she would never inflict on a DBBF.  Act accordingly.

  • Guano Dubango

    Thank you, Son of Guano.  I agree with what you say.  I am honest, but then women do not respect me, so maybe I try being DBBF, but this is not me.  Deep down, I want good looking woman who will respect me and adore me like I will be for her.  I do try out all women, in order to find the right one.  The other women are gratful for my attention and that I am generous with them; therefore they are generous back with me, so we both have what we want.  I think Alma would truly enjoy and stay with me, and if she is as pure as she says, I would enjoy her too.  There are so many women out there who have been with many men, that even the ugly ones you cannot count on being inexperienced.  It is a let down to talk to an ugly girl only to find out she has had more sex than I have.  So a good looking girl who is not sexually promiscuous is truly a rarity.  So that is what I think.

  • BL1Y

    The nice guy/douchebag issue presents a false dichotomy.  Plenty of “nice guys” are bitter, jealous, controlling, and hate both women and men.  They only adopt the “nice guy” victim role as a means of protecting their egos and justifying their failed attempts at attracting women.  If they could pull off the “asshole” and get laid, they’d do it in a heartbeat.  And, so many of the guys who get the badboy label are simply very charismatic and have learned that they can treat women as equals.  They don’t have to shower the girl with gifts to get laid.  But for some reason, when you don’t treat a girl like a whore, you get labeled a player, douchebag, whatever.

  • Son of Guano

    BL1Y:  With the utmost respect, everyone over 30 knows the female preference for DBBF is not a false dichotomy, but a fact of life.  While its true that many nice guys have no other choice but to be “nice” (they are not great looking, have no personality etc), the DBBF preference is beyond question: Any magazine read now or in the past by your girlfriend confirms 80% in favor of the bad boys. The nice professional girl that will marry you one day will do it because (1) you will support her better than the DBBF she prefers, and (2), the DBBF won’t marry her, and (3), she wants to punch out a couple of kids and then return to her life.  You will discover #3 when she divorces you because you’re boring, predictable, and she can get half your money if not more from divorce . Its not bad being boring and predictible: its what it takes to work a steady job, pay mortgage and raise kids. But she will be bored by it. Its why women file 2/3 of first marriage divorces.  Academics have cautiously studied this too: they find that govt aid and support leads women to stay single rather than marry boring guys (you can probably figure out that they are not in a rush to marry nice boring guys with a paycheck). The late 90’s were all about “feminized” men that women were finding boring–depsite all their politeness, sensitivity etc.  Check out the New Yorker article on young moms a few years ago: dismissing the steady support, maids, clubs, cars, private shcools funded by their husband’s toil, the lament was that ther hubby was violent? no. A drunk? No. He was no fun anymore!  Not like the single guys they used to know.  Many maybe even most miss the rock and roll excitement of single days with guys offering more fun tired BL1Y home from his good paying job will offer.  BL1Y, don’t try to stand in the middle of this debate affecting some false sophistication: this is life not a cocktail party where you have to ignore what everyone knows to be true.

  • Guano Dubango

    Son of Guano is right again.  When I came to the US of A in the 1998 school year, Clinton was President and I was almost revered as a foreign exchange student, though I had no real intention of returning home.  So I immediately purchased a tweed jacket and sported a new mustache and became what was known then as a Ghanan metrosexual. The ladies loved me in DC, and I loved the ladies.  It is unfortunately much different now, with women not trusting the man after 9/11, even though I have no connection whatsoever to the miserable arab terrorists.  But women listening to me and my slight accent think of that and I am as you americans say, not welcome with some of the ladies.

  • EngineerdLawyer

    It’s a late post (thanks to my crazy last few weeks) but this is one of the few posts which genuinely cracked me up lately. This place has been a lot of doom and gloom lately..

  • Hannah Palindrome

    I have to agree with you about Brazilian women. My Brazilian girlfriends always look hot, even at the gym.

    Guys trip over themselves to speak to them.

    I think your girlfriend will break up with you soon. She’s too insecure now. She will never be able to go through the day w/out thinking about Jordanna. If you want to screw Jordanna so badly-break up with your girlfriend!

    If you don’t want to break up with her…I hope she cheats on you! Asshole!

  • Girl

    Katelaw-I don’t think you’re as confident as you portray yourself to be. I think it’s a little pathetic that you have to act a certain way to “keep” your boyfriend. If you have to act confident even though you know he’s still cheating, then it’s pathetic. If you have to remind him that you have past conquests to keep him interested…it’s time to break up.

  • Hannah Palindrome

    If you have to play games then it’s time to move on.

    I’m not a relationship type of girl. Too much drama.

    I think it’s ok to sleep around until you meet the one. If you still want to sleep around in a relationship-you haven’t met the one. Why be so miserable as a couple. Break up with her if you still want the Brazilian, or remain a loser. Your choice.

    Sex, Lies, and no videotape…

  • Guano Dubango

    Hannah Palindrome, I am not sure if you are attractive, but I am willing to sleep with you, since you are at least straight-forward.  In the interest of full disclosure, I have LLM from Georgetown, and come from Ghana.  I will be very attentive to your needs.

  • 1L Blues

    Wow. You are an incredible deuchebag. Seriously. Watch yourself, kiddo- karma is going to come bite you in the ass sooner or later. and by Karma I mean Herpes.

  • Unimpressed

    Dear Mr. Richardson,

    You, sir, are a cad.  I can only hope you’ll break up with your girlfriend sooner, rather than later, since you obviously don’t care about her.  Because if you did care about her, you’d take the high road and end things now before she gets her heart broken after finding out you’ve been shagging the hot Brazilian (again). And she will find out.

  • Mr.Riley

    Your My idol. keep it going why stop you only live once, and shes only a girlfriend not a spouse or nothing. I say let that little brazzle chic have it wheneva she wants it. if you stop u will more than likely regret it. and even worse what if the new intern fills your spot, then you’ll really need a martni.

  • HotLaw

    Not fair. If a girl is seriously worried in a relationship she should be able to talk about it to the guy. If they are just fucking for fun and not really dating then that is fine. But a relationship is about exclusivity and if she is reciprocally exclusive then she is well within her rights to demand and expect exclusivity from that sleaze. What a selfish asshole.