The Seven Guys You Sleep With in Law School

Law Firm 10 Law Firm 10, law school, Lawyer 73 Comments

Here’s the foundational problem with deciding to become a lawyer: If I had told my parents I wanted to be an artist, they immediately would have forced me to do my homework on the career opportunities. They would have mandated the shadowing of professional artists and lengthy visits to a variety of art schools.

That wasn’t quite the case when I announced I wanted to go to law school. My parents’ immediate prideful joy precluded any suggestion that I should visit a law school classroom or spend a day with a practicing attorney before making up my mind. To them, it indicated an unspoken sign that I was moving past the septum-pierced, mohawked freaks of my youth and preparing to settle for a Catholic, suit-wearing sedan-driver.

Which is how I entered the realm of law school—unprepared for its harsh, disfigured realities.

I thought there would be a lot of dating potential in law school. I envisioned a slew of JFK Jr. types surrounding me in every class. But alas, there were none. Not only did girls outnumber guys 2.5 to one, but 79% of the guys were either married, engaged, or practically engaged. (Apparently, any decent-looking guy who exhibits equal parts risk aversion and considerable earning potential has been strategically nailed down prior to the start of 1L.)

After subtracting the gay guys from the remaining pool of unattached male law students, I was left with little more than a handful of horrifying mutants to consider. There was the prematurely graying and/or balding set—most of whom were in their late 20s going on 50. Sadly, they often overlapped with the pale and hairy group who had large stomachs and/or man-boobs. There was also a contingency of unacceptably bearded, white-leather-tennis-shoe-wearing squares, and a small number of non-ugly, charming, but deal-breaking-ly short guys.

In other words, the list of guys a relatively attractive girl sleeps with in law school is mostly comprised of non-classmates.

But since it’s a known fact that women are particularly vulnerable to pangs of loneliness and trifling self-worth, extreme conditions call for us to modify our standards in order to have our “needs” met. So, I felt it necessary to represent female law students everywhere with this list of the types of men we girls are forced to turn to for arousal in dire straits. (And note that I said “arousal,” not “satisfaction.”)

This may seem a little personal, but I think there are multitudes of females toting leather- and gold-bound textbooks who will relate.

1. The Always Present Friend of Classmate

For me, he inevitably graduated from Illinois, Iowa, or Iowa State, and his profession was, without fail, either a pharmaceutical sales rep or a trader. His type is most ubiquitous at classmates’ birthday parties and other open-bar functions. This type respectfully disappears almost immediately following whatever after-hours, amorous encounter you’re able to muster on your couch before waking up early on Saturday morning to start your Property outline.

Pro: They’re usually in good shape since their undemanding careers allow for lots of gym time.
Con: They’re drug reps and traders, for God’s sake.

2. Your Appellate Advocacy Instructor

He’s the young partner at a mega-firm whose early, intense career focus left him single and therefore primed to use his adjunct professor status as a form of speed dating.

Pro: Finally get to add a CALI award for highest grade to your resume.
Con: Realizing he never had any intention of buying you a ring—which is a shame, because he could’ve afforded a big one.

3. Your Crim-Pro Tutor

He starts to seem acceptable near the end of the semester when exam hysteria intensifies the effect of the multiple Americanos you consume before visiting him for help during his office hours. This severely impairs your judgment and any semblance of standards.

Pro: Crim-Pro would’ve been a bitch to outline from scratch.
Con: Forced to live with the fact that you disgraced your standards by sleeping with a man whose best line was, “If looking good in jeans was enough for probable cause, then I would be Terry searching you right about now.”

4. The Semi-Hot Classmate “On a Break” from his Longtime Girlfriend Who Just Made a Proposal Ultimatum

He spills his heart out to you over oceans of vodka at a bar crawl following the close of exam week. His vulnerability is insatiably attractive. But he breaks it off with you halfway into the following semester when he decides it’s less risky to put the ring on her finger.

Pro: Since he’s actually attractive, there’s a boost to your self-esteem.
Con: The blow to your self-esteem resulting from being dumped by the only attractive guy you’ve hooked up with in three years.

5. (& 6.) The Socially Awkward First-Year Who Seduces You as a Summer

He’s the newly minted associate at the law firm cocktail party who first catches your eye while welcoming your summer associate class. You’re so lonely after having practically killed yourself to get grades warranting a spot in the summer program that you can’t help but be briefly charmed. Following that night, you will spend the rest of the summer hiding from him. Not to be confused with:

6. The Unhappily Married Sixth-Year Associate Just Passed Over for Partner Who is Morally Troubled and Seems to Understand You in Ways that No One Else Can After Pouring Several Scotches at the End-of-Summer Dinner Party

Pro: You won’t have to see either of them for the entirety of 3L, and they’ll likely forget about you before you become a full-time associate.
Con: Therapy centering on guilt issues can be expensive.

7. The Underachieving Leftover from Undergrad

His inauspicious career status seemed okay when you got accepted into law school as a college senior after lifting your head from a bong and realizing you needed a career. But after a few half-hearted romps in your apartment—surrounded by stacks of Civil Procedure textbooks and copies of the Federal Rules of Evidence—he hightails it from the scene just after 1L Thanksgiving break. Something to do with the insecurity sparked by innocent questioning when one of your classmates at a booze function asked, “Which building do work in downtown?” To which he responded with the cross streets for Maggiano’s. Your subsequent drunken remark about wishing he was an investment banker certainly didn’t help either.

Pro: The break up grants you a reprieve from nightmares of being forced financially to continue practicing law after bearing children.
Con:His departure severs your final remaining link to the outside world.

Unfortunately, and unsurprisingly since law firms are full of former law students, it doesn’t get any better when you start practicing. In fact, it gets worse. Whereas in law school you viewed traders and drug reps as practically untouchable, you now find yourself weighing the pros and cons of a fling with a male paralegal. And given that all the semi-decent “spoken for” men in law school are now primarily divorced, giving up a majority of their paychecks to alimony and child support, it’s like staring into a sea of potential gone wrong. Meaning there’s no wonder why girls like me fall for “It’s Just Lunch”-style traps.

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  • Guano Dubango

    I do not see me, or anything like my type here.  I am looking for some one who is 1) beautiful 2) smart and 3) willing to bear me children.  I have LLM from Georgetown and am willing to accept women who are not from Ghana.  I will not just accept anyone, but LF 10 seems worth a roll in the hay.  How about it LF10?  I am better than these losers.

  • Anonymous

    I think there’s a reason you don’t see you type here.  Had she (or any woman in law school) slept with an annoying, overplayed tool from Ghana, I bet she would have listed it.

  • LawSchoolBurlesque

    I REALLY, really, really appreciate you stepping up to give the female counterpoint to the Seven Women You Sleep with in Law school Article (you are a much needed voice of balance amongst the many articles on this site which spew vitriolic hatred against any woman who tries to establish her identity outside of her sexual potential).

    At the same time: Not very funny or well written. Too long, too wordy- as a lawyer you should know the importance of word choice/brevity.

  • Anon.

    Meh, I guess lower quality derivatives of well written articles are fun sometimes…


    LF10 is a fraud, she did not go to law.  Nobody who has gone to law school anywhere in the civilized world could make the claim that women outnumbered men 2.5/1.

  • BL1Y

    Good call, JR, I had skimmed over that because the writing was so boring.  Women are pretty close to 50% of the law school population, not 70% like LF10 thinks.

  • KateLaw

    None of the guys I had fun with in law school fit into any of these categories perfectly.  On a separate note, I would like to offer up some handy advice to any upcoming 1L females (at least decently attractive ones):  don’t hook up with any guy in your class (unless he’s just amaaazing).  I stuck with the 3L eligible bachelors (the few that were somewhat worthy) and never looked back.  It definitely helped avoid the awkward post-hookup scenarios.

  • PGuy

    Looks, looks, looks. It’s all about looks with you, LF10. All the descriptions of the guys you want, and all the descriptions of the guys you despise, are all about looks. This is the hearty and soul of your problems, LF10. It is the one reason that your life is so barren and you are so miserable. I keep telling you this, but you never listen.

  • YouCanTakeTheGuyOutOfTheFrat

    I think philalawyer was pretty blunt about most of the guys in law school being socially awkward mutants.  At least it was good news for those of us who weren’t.  And btw, who was this article written for?  The 3 chicks in the class who were decent looking and not obviously insane?

  • Cheryl

    BL1Y, you should take your unemployed ass and try to go get a job as a fact checker for the Associated Press.  Should be pretty easy for you since you know EVERYTHING.  I can’t imagine why a man as intellectually superior as yourself would ever be down on his luck.  Must be the fault of someone else, I suppose.

  • Er, no.

    LOL… Color me a #4.

  • BL1Y

    Re #6, who gets upset at being passed over for partner in their SIXTH year as an associate?  Between that and thinking that 70% of law students are female, it’s not looking good for LF10’s credibility.

  • A-Rod

    Funny how when LF10 turns the tables on the dudes, it’s all about her credibility.

  • Anonymous

    Why does everyone think she’s trying to report actual numbers and not just throwing out arbitrary amounts to signify “a large amount”?  She is known for being pretty sarcastic.  I don’t think even a paralegal would assume that 80% of law school classes are female.  And it’s my experience that every attractive female who was ever a summer associate really did sleep with lawyers at the firm.  And from my own personal experience, I can say when a male 3L tells a female 1L he and his out-of-town girlfriend are on a break, he’s just saying that to sleep with her.

  • LawScoolBurlesque

    A-Rod @ 13 makes an excellent point. When a man lists the top 7 women you sleep with in law school, posters think it’s funny. When a woman does it, the same posters question her credibility and automatically start to assume she is incompetent , a slut, and/ or ugly. It’s very reflective of how threatened men are by women in this profession. It’s just… really, really sad.

  • Craig

    In LF10’s defense, she was going up against Philalawyer.  I appreciate even the guts to go head to head on his article, but as the comments show, it did not turn out that well.  Good effort though.  I thought there were some funny lines in there.

  • Alma Federer

    This illustrates the problem.  Too many legal mutants pretending to be suave and sophisticated when we too went to school.  I did not partake in any of these losers, and I am happy to report I did not miss anything.  I recommend no person think they are better than others.

  • A-Rod

    I agree with Craig. This was a tough matchup, a noble effort, and a fair, but not great, result. But hey, at least LF10 has the guts to try, unlike a lot the dudes who feel threatened by her. Funny how we never see a post from this Guano fool or others like him.

  • BL1Y

    @10:25: The hyperbole explanation would make sense if women outnumbered men at law school by anything other than the tiniest of margins.  Here 2.5 to 1 stat doesn’t make sense as hyperbole.  Burlesque: We laughed at Phila because he’s funny.  We call LF10 incompetent because she’s incompetent, unfunny because she’s unfunny, and ugly because we’ve been in law firms and have seen women who consider themselves 10s (and she admits that she doesn’t get play in the real world).

  • Son of Guano

    It IS all about looks with LF10. I said before she wants preppy bankers, with thick hair, effortless money, no stress, and a large decorated mansion. Like Alma, who haunts that site looking for finance guys to date (as she dismisses the “wimps” she will never date).  LF10 and Alma remind me perfectly of the “Man Store” joke from years ago. Passing by the 1st floor (men that are handsome), 2d floor (handsome and employed and like kids), and the 3d floor( handsome, employed, likes kids and sensitive) they are still looking for the “perfect man” and wind up on the empty 4th floor to see a sign “These are no men on this floor: your presence here is proof again that women are never satisfied.” Sigh. What a shame.  Sorry Guano. They’ll look for you only after giving their best years to numerous DBBF (douche bag boy friends).

  • Guano Dubango

    A-Rod, you missed my post?  You are the dillweed as I am out there looking hard for a qualifying mate.  I am not just interested in sleeping with a pretty smart lawyer. I also want to find someone to marry and bring home to my Aunt Ooona.  That is honorable, and admirable.  Do I on occasion meet with women with a short-term focus, well yes, but that is not the intent.  I am an honorable person with only honorable intentions towards women who are not water buffalo.

  • Er, no.

    Alma: “I recommend no person think they are better than others.” Agreed.  Now look in the mirror and re-read all your past posts, and slap yourself.

  • Anon Female

    Go LF10!! rock it out.

  • Manhattan Law

    You have all been knocking LF10 chops.  She has written her opinion and good for her.  Who cares if the numbers don’t add up and she used a lot of words to express her feelings.  Dating and finding the right person is hard for all professionals.  Do any of you have any tips?  I dated an assistant prof in under grad just once so I wouldn’t get a D in English Comp.  One kiss got me an A.  I’m a great kisser and I’ve been told I continue to be.

  • Alma Federer

    I am no different from any other professional woman in the city.  Although I have almost everything I want (good job, a little money saved for retirement, a nice apartment, and good looks), I have not been successfull in finding a real man who will cherish me.  The men I meet think only of having sex with me, but they will not commit.  That is not what I am interested in.  I did not go to law school and work hard to look good just to have men stop by to rotate in and out of bed .  I want marriage and a family, and do not want to grow old as a single person always looking but never finding for the right guy who never comes around the corner.  I do not consider myself picky by NOT settling for any of the men I have met, or the types of men LF 10 writes about, because I have seen all of these types.

  • EngineerdLawyer

    “The men I meet think only of having sex with me, but they will not commit. That is not what I am interested in. I did not go to law school and work hard to look good just to have men stop by to rotate in and out of bed .”
    Anymore stuff you want to regurgitate which ALL women have been saying for the past billion years?

  • Son of Guano

    I am curious Alma: you seem smart, say you’re attractive, and want marriage.  Would you do me the favor of describing what kind of men you’ve comitted to that did not reciprocate (I mean what was it about them you liked so much?); why do you think they didn’t stick around or why did you boot them out; and last, don’t you think an older man is perfect for ou?  Late 30’s or mid 40’s? Well off, stable etc?

  • BL1Y

    Marriage shouldn’t be a goal until you’re in a relationship with someone you want to marry.  You should be looking for people you enjoy spending time with, and let relationships develop organically, instead of forcing something.  What you’re doing would be like someone in the 1970s complaining that movies are awful, but they’re only willing to watch romantic comedies.  Meanwhile those of us who are willing to watch any great movie, regardless of genre are getting Dirty Harry, Clockwork Orange, Godfather I and II, Jaws, Rocky, King Kong, Star Wars, Close Encounters, and Apocalypse Now.  But, you just sit around complaining about the slim pickings between Funny Lady and The Goodbye Girl.  Go build good relationships and stop caring so much about what shape they take.

  • Anonymous

    WTF are “unacceptably bearded, white-leather-tennis-shoe-wearing squares”?  Next time try making reference to things that people other than you and your closest friends can relate to.

  • Anonymous

    “I did not go to law school and work hard to look good just to have men stop by to rotate in and out of bed . I want marriage and a family…”
    You went to law school so you could get married and have a kid?  Lady, you went to law school to get JD.  If you think it takes a JD to get pregnant, I can see why they aren’t calling you back.

  • Alma Federer

    I appreciate some of your comments, but most of you men just don’t understand.  I went to law school to meet a higher class of guy–one who would be able to work hard and make the kind of money we need to live a better life than I would have if I had just married a guy with a BA, who sells insurance.  So I decided to go to law school, and when I got there, I found out the men were for the most part the same, not interested in marriage and a family, but in quick and easy sex.  In their minds, they were LAW students, and they deserved easy sex.  Well guess what, I too was a LAW student, and I too could be a lawyer, so I did not give out sex w/o commitment.  Once I became an associate, I learned that many lawyers were also boys; interested in easy sex without commitment.  Now I am hoping I will find a more mature guy, who has learned that easy quick sex is not rewarding, and who will commit to me, marry me and have a family with me.  If he is serious about that, he also will be about work, and he will be successful so that we can live better than if I married that insurance salesman (who wanted only sex anyway).  Now do you guys understand where I am coming from?

  • Anon~

    Terry stops don’t need PC, they just require reasonable suspicion.  But then again, I was paying attention in Crim. Pro. (while wearing my awesome white leather tennis shoes) instead of scrambling to find a tutor (do real law schools even have those) to do my work for me….

  • BL1Y

    The problem with Alma is that she thinks sex with her is a lot more valuable than it is.  What type of guy gives a commitment BEFORE having sex?  Only super fundamentalist Christians, and even then, most of the ones “saving themselves” are either liars or just have no game and are making excuses.  Saying you want a commitment before sex is for high school kids.  Imagine if a guy said he wanted a commitment before paying for a date, or a real estate broker said they wanted a put option before letting you have a walk through.  Wanting a commitment before sex will make a guy think one (or more) of three things: (1) you care more about your relationship title than the actual relationship; (2) you’re completely out of touch with how relationships work; or (3) you’re incredibly insecure and afraid that the guy won’t like you after having sex.  None of these is going to be much of a turn on.  And, for the record, while most guys are willing to take one night stands, if the girl is smart, funny, not crazy, and not a bitch, we’d prefer a longer relationship.  We’re as lazy as we are horny, and if we’re getting laid from someone we like, we’re not going to go through the trouble of finding someone else.

  • LF10 fan

    Go LF10 I like to hear your opinions.

  • Anonymous

    I agree with BL1Y.  Alma, you must be willing to part your legs for men before marriage.  This is necessary, at least after a few dates, to ensure you are serious with men willing to pay money to take you out and entertain you.  Too many women just want to have men do things for them without any evidence of reciprocation.  By opening up to men who have shown ongoing interest in you, you will lay the foundation for a long-term commitment.  On the other hand, if all you do is take, then men will grow tired of not getting any evidence of some give-back (no ROI in MBA parlance) and they will move on to another woman who is willing to share her body.  Why is it that you view sex as difficult as Moses parting the Red Sea?  Learn to loosen up and more men will come a calling.

  • Son Of Guano

    I have no difficulty understanding Alma’s positon. Nothing wrong in wanting a quality guy, one a distance better than the sludge you can always have. I feel the same way: I prefer educated, well-dressed women, not nacho gulping, beer-burping, loud ones that think genitalia is an italian airline. But the law biz has its own lower strata: the question is why Alma can’t find and keep a guy she likes?  Does she think that marriage follows sex like pizza follows a joint?  Alma: can you tolerate a relationship without marriage?

  • Shirlee

    Love this could read 100X

  • Alma Federer

    Son of Guano, you seem sincere.  It’s not that I object to sex before marriage, I want marriage, and there are so many guys who are willing to lie and say they want to marry me, when all they want is sex.  I had 2 guys that I went out with who, within a month, proposed marriage (even before I agreed to have sex).  One guy gave me a 2 carat diamond before I had even seen him without his clothes on.  But a month later, after we had sex, he unexpectedly said he had changed his mind and left me.  Am I bitter that I had sex with him?  A little, but I kept the ring and then sold it.

  • Pinar

    It just reminded me of how awful my options were in business department at uni. I was also double-majoring with advertising and options weren’t bright there either.

    They were either nerds with no concept of social life, rich spoiled brats who had no good taste in anything and they all thought they were hot (they so were not!) and the alternative group who thought they looked good with blue hair, too tight jeans and pink shoes.

  • Straight Shooter

    Congratulations Alma, either (i) you were paid for sex by a loser too lame to get it without, or (ii) you were such a problem (poor lay maybe – you seem like the dead fish type, or perhaps just obviously selfish, self absorbed and demanding of attention and money, or some combination of the foregoing and who knows what else) that a guy who thought you were marriage material ran like the wind after seeing the real you.  Kudos.

  • Bill

    I am willing to take a chance on Alma.  She must be pretty damn good looking for a guy to cough up a diamond ring BEFORE he even had at it with her.  Not sure whether she is too high maintenance or a whiner, but the guy at least got laid.  I wouldn’t spring for a diamond for access to her privates, but I think I could give her the best sex she’s ever had.

  • Son of Guano (Alma’s simple solution)

    Straight shooter, I think I see her position better than before:  she probably IS really good looking and has guys hitting on her constantly. Imagine the “swarm” of hits, (even as her date goes to the head, or as she goes she is hit on by guys who ignore her date). I dated a women like that once or twice-like walking through an army base with an Victoria’s secret model.  So here is Alma, trying to filter out the platoons of seemingly sincere guys who just want to bang her till she discovers they (a) don’t have any money; or (b), are some other type of loser.  She can’t put out for everybody.  Being smarter than average, she knows looks are a wasting asset. She is trying to land someone who is into her for the long haul.  She in fact is what a lot of guys want–a hot woman ready to comit to them.  To be there when you come home. To rebuff the predators that approach her at dinner when you leave for a minute.  That could be me or hundreds like me, but I/we don’t have the preppie looks she’s after.  She’s narrowed her focus to hot guys with money-the very guys who can get any woman (damn them) and who are NOT ready to settle down.  By the time she’s older and is willing is willing to “settle,” for someone with money but average looks, we’ll be in more in demand from hundreds of Almas who are now ready to settle.  Tough problem.  But I have a beneficient solution: Alma should hook up with me now–here in LA.

  • Carl

    Son of Guano, you are right about most of what you say, but I think also want to get on line to woo Alma.  I have money in the bank, am not bad to look at and have a decent job (for the time being).  Isn’t that what she wants?  And I live in New York!  Since I think Alma is in NY she would not have to move to date me.  If she doesn’t stick with me, then I agree to relinquish her to you.  You’d better be willing to fly her out to LA.  I doubt she will go out there on the chance you are worth it, because I’m not the only working stiff in NY looking for someone like Alma.

  • Anonymous

    BL1Y: “The problem with Alma is that she thinks sex with her is a lot more valuable than it is. What type of guy gives a commitment BEFORE having sex?”
    The problem with Alma is she’s a male law student.  goofing around here to kill boredom in Contracts class. Nobody could seriously be that clueless.

  • Son of Guana

    Anon at 44: Please stop raining on my fantasy.  And you’re going to ruin Guano’s day too.  Carl at 43: of course I am laying bread crumbs for Alma, assuming she’s a real person.  I’m sure the congested city you’re in is a major part of her problem.  Here, however, we have houses with white picket fences. Big parking spaces.  A good guy gov that parks in red zones, eats out at regular guy restaraunts despite a substantial fortune, and says “Kali FORN i yuh”. Associates that actually go to court.  And my job is triple AAA secure.  But I don’t look like a male model…so I’ll test her first thing by seeing if she swats away guys that hit on her when I leave to visit the head.

  • Guano Dubango

    Wait, fellas, please, I was first on line for a chance with Alma.  I set forth my listing for eligible wife, and she meets most of items, but she may not want me because I am from Ghana.  Until she says absolutely not, then I must retain my place in line for her.  I will not make a move for her sexualley, and will let her take the lead on all bedroom activities.  I too am working, have money and am considered a good catch, in Ghana.  I do not see why if Seal can get Heidi Klum, a supermodel, why I cannot get Alma, a female lawyer, who may find out she is not so hot after all.  But I am willing to take a chance on her.

  • anon

    Damn shoulda paid more attention to your crim law tutor since you only need reasonable suspicion for a terry search

  • Son of Guano

    But….Guano, Alma does not want to wash you with camel butter .  She wants wants the white picket fence, Merzbenz in the driveway and a maid to boss around.  And maybe a butler named Chives.  Preferably in a gated community.  True, she’ll have to move here to get that, but she’s clearly not going to Ghana.  Between the two of us, LF10 sounds far more likely to move to Ghana. She is obviously on edge, frustrated and ready to try something new.  Besides, you can’t wait for a woman: you have to pursue. LF10 is for you. Trust me.


    you forgot the:
    “I’m going to try to pick this chick up in a law school bar by reciting my resume to her…but forget that she’s might be a law student, in a later year, with a more impressive resume” type.
    f-in morons.

  • Guano Dubango

    No, Son of Guano, as my son, you must honor your elders and respect my need to have first crack at Alma.  I think the LF10 may already over the bush, so I do not want someone who is all played over.  From what I read, Alma, although not a virgin, may be firm and supple.  I want to make sure, first, however, that she can bear me children.  I do not think LF10 is willing enough to do so, and may not be able to either.  Can you find out and let me know please.

  • The one that got away

    Thanks, LF10.  I just realized why I always sacked the barmaids, 1Ls, and college girls—those type-A condescending beeeotches like you were limp-inducing plastic headed gold diggers.  (Not to mention, the other gals had no chair ass and great upper mamarian features with no saggage.  Mmmmm…..) See you in hell, classmate!

  • Son of Guano

    Guano, I respectfully assure you that Alma and you mix like John McCain at a Red Bull convention.  Or like BL1Y at a partner’s productivity meeting.  Alma’s remarks suggest high intelligence and an antipathy to Ghanian goat butter.  She is regrettably a fast first impression taker and mistakenly dismiss men she considers less intelligent. This results in continual errors on her part as quieter men much smarter than her, such as you and I, are immediately ans scornfully dismissed. Sustained proximity would alter her view, but no way will she go to Ghana for a test drive. She sounds a bit canadian, and since I have some distant canadian relatives, I will be able to blend more easily with her family, be they lumberjack shirt wearers or lofty montreal types.  I also suspect she is not eager to have children (sorry) and has a bit of a feminist streak that will repell you .  But I will honorably step aside for a month to allow you as elder to resolve the matter while I monitor the Tiger Woods matter.  More than a month would be unfair, so please attend to this with all celerity and dispatch. (I really think LF10 would be better for you, as she seems to crave several children and is a bit of a prude –in a good girl way-contrary to your suggestion to the contrary).

  • Guano Dubango

    Thank you, my son.  If you are monitoring the Tiger Wood situation, perhaps you will alert me if his wife decides to look elsewhere.  I remain available for any buxom blond, and she may fit the bill, particularly if she is no longer putting the Tiger in her tank.  I do not know how to get a hold of Alma or LF 10.  If either wants me, they just need to alert me to their desires.  I did sleep with a female earlier this week, and expect to do so again soon, but I really want more than meaningless sex.  I want a real woman who will bear me children.  The Ellen woman with Tiger has proven mating ability, and she is good looking, too, so I won’t complain if she wants to mate with me.

  • Alma Federer

    I do not want to go out with you, Guano.  Nothing personal, but you are not my type.  And I also do not think I could be interested in your son, either, for the same reasons.

  • Son of Guano

    Its raining softly in Los Angeles, sending everyone scurrying for their cold weather gear. Its down to 57 after all.  The streets 36 floors down are visibly wet and congested with cars. Poor Guano, rejected by Alma, even though he wants to marry and start a family must again bleakly ponder his chances of ever landing the women who will bear him children and wash his camel.  Sigh. Sorry Guano. I told you LF 10 was a better match.  But Alma has not slammed the door quite as hard on me. I’ll keep you posted.

  • Alma Federer

    Son of Guano, I do not like LA, or for that matter, California—the tree at Rockefeller Center just cannot be equaled.  I have to be able to live in New York City, and I also want a summer home in the Hamptons, or if my husband can swing it, on Martha’s Vineyard.  I realize I am giving up the chance with a fair amount of guys, but I want what my family gave me growing up, and that means having the money to do it right.  Finally, I do not think my parents will be able to handle it if I tell them the man I am dating is named Guano.  It doesn’t have the right ring to it and I am afraid my father would get ill.  Sorry.

  • Son of Guano

    Alma, Guano is a honored name from old California (with Pico, Sepulveda and Santa Ana).  I cannot change it or I might lose my family estates. So, bowing out, let me nonetheless offer some tidbits that will hopefully settle inside your mind and began to erode your idea of New York as a future home.  First, Eastern guys cheat on their wives. All the time. JFK, Spitzer, Woody Allen, Gordon Gekko, Christie Brinkley’s husband, the husband in Bonfire of the Vanities, the slimeball in the Nanny Diaries, you name it. Why?  NY guys are always inside offices and hotels because its so cold outside and the only other place they can take clothes off is at home.  Men+women in warm rooms, taking coats off suggestively=affairs. By the time summer arrives, they’re dying to have extended time with their mistress, assistant or whatever.  So they send their wives and kids to the Hamptons for the summer to have an affair in the city. Then they “join” the family for a weekend or two. Here I’d see you often enough in shorts to avoid the problem you have there.  When we got home I’d be dying for you. See?  You’d be forced to stay slim too, because people cannot waddle about here with extra pounds, as we have no coats to hide them. Second. the Hamptons are OK if you can’t afford a Malibu beachouse.  But even our poor people come to the beaches here, because they’re so close (we do have private beach clubs though) . We see the Hamptons Malibu for unattractive people, or the way easterners do “outdoors” for a month or so. And of course, overcome by the novelty and those wives alone, they have affairs.  Good luck.

  • Guano Dubango

    Wait, Alma, I too remain interested.  Do not forsake me, for I am purely interested in your mind, not your slim or fat body.  I want only to have a spouse who can bear me children.  If you are from NY and it is cold, I do not care if your rear end is large.  In California, the men make the women vain, and as a result you have starlets who your larger rear end cannot compete with.  Pick me and I will never criticise your rear end like my son.

  • Son of Guano

    Dad, a “Mrs. Federer” called while I was at Mr. Chow.  Actually her butler Miles Meservery called and put her on the phone.  It was like talking to Queen Elizabeth.  Told me to tell you that her daughter would never marry a “craven supplicant,” and to “man up,” if you’re ever going to attract her daughter.  She considered it “remote indeed,” that Alma will agree to “wash beastly camels in Ghana”, but admired your tenacity (“he’s like one of those rug merchants that never gives up, isn’t he?”) (I told her you own fine estates outside of Fez, and are not a rug merchant).  She said that Alma needs a somewhat older, active and established man like me, but not quite as old as you (sorry, her words). She also apologized for her daughter’s “incredible provincialism,” noting “that’s what happens when she’s daddy’s girl.” Told her not to mention it, and that I will hold a space for Alma. She was very appreciative.

  • Annony.

    Alma: ever thought of earning the life you want/demand? Just a thought.

    Son of Guano:  are you sure you’re a single male in LA?  Never run into anyone like you.

  • Alma Federer

    I want a man who will take care of me.  I did get a law degree, yes, but I am tired of working, and I want to have children, and yes, even relax poolside anxiously waiting for my husband to come home so that I can make him happy for supporting both of us in a great lifestyle.  Is there anything so bad about that?  I have the tools to make my husband VERY happy, and that is what I bring to the table.  I expect my husband to be 1) loyal; 2) rich and 3) enterprising.  That way, we will have the wherewithall to live well and have fun.  I will bear the kids and rear them while my husband works to bring home the bacon.  That is what my dad did, and look, we turned out fine.  So let me find my prince and I will live happily ever after.

  • son of Guano

    Annony: Slightly mystified by your question. Assume I am representative of numerous highly compensated guys with stable positions, looking for someone perfect who will be there when I am old and sitting in one of those his/her tubs everyone in the cialis ads seem to have.  it probably won’t be Alma, who is wedded to the Rockefeller center christmas tree.

  • Alma Federer

    It is difficult to find a guy who wants me for me, not for my body.  Every guy I am friendly with (not even on a sexual basis) wants to sleep with me.  That is a turn off for me, because I want love, not sex.

  • Guano Dubango

    Alma, I now believe you are not interested in me.  I don’t understand it, but so be it.  I have been upright, honest and willing to put up with your moodiness, but you are not willing to even try me.  Too bad for you.

  • Son of Guano

    Guano, I share your frustration, but its for the best.  Assuming Alma is not a male posing as a woman as BL1Y has suggested, she’s not there for any normal guy.  Despite her claimed looks, age (seems about 30), and apparent intellect, she is in the thrall of what she calls “alpha” males.  Meaning annoying people who are the bane of everyone else’s existence.  From Hannibal and Caesar, down to the present-day imitators that park in two parking spots, wear suspenders at age 30, and ruin companies like Enron with preposterous schemes. If she can find one in time to beat the dealine on her ticking biological clock, she’ll be left penniless when he flames out, leaving Alma to ride the unfamiliar subway like Mrs. madoff.  Or she’ll wait too long to marry, and stay in her govt job till retirement time.  If you married her, and failed to buy a useless house in the Hamptons, she’d divorce you leaving you penniless.  You must cease being mesmerized by her. She is already too old to have more than a couple of kids.  LF10’s proclivity for cheap sports bars aside, she seems far closer to “normal” and is a better match for you.  I will hold a spot open for Alma in Los Angeles, but she will have to redeem herself to claim it.  Our pre nup will also require her to serve me breakfast in bed, bow to your image once a month, and and notify me of new postings on Bitter Lawyer.

    • Michelle

      The article and your post show a similar problem: people seeig others in terms of what they will “get” from them. We need to love, not use, people. Until we learn that love and marriage are self-giving, we will all be miserable – in loveless marriages, divorced, or single.

      A good question for us all to honestly ponder: would you date you? Forget about your looks in answering that, b/c looks don’t count for much after a few years together. Ask it about your heart, your ability to give yourself unselfishly, to compromise, your morals, and what sort of parent your would be.

      I wish us all truly great marriages — full of self-giving and genuine love.

      30 is definitely not too long to have more than a couple of children.

  • Guano Dubango

    Thank you my son.  You speak wisely, which is a tribute to your elders.  I no longer will pursue Alma for long-term purposes.  Pretty women who whine like her are good only for short-term overnite connections when you do not have to put up with the whining afterward, but are free to go to the Dunking Donuts place for a hot coffee, alone and in peace, on the way back to your own apartment for a hot shower before heading out for work.  If Alma is merely interested in using me for such short-term encounters, I will make my self available to her, but not for long-term planning–I will not bring her home to my Aunt Ooona for approval.  I do not need approval just to bang her.

    • Michelle

      And with a user’s attitude, which I hope is just a joke, you will never know what it is to love a woman.

      Using is the opposite of love.

      It’s the reason our world, divorce rates, and economy are in their current state.

      Become the change we need. Stop using others.

  • Gunners = Glorified Law Dorks

    I think it would have been funnier if you discussed the different types of guys that we would NOT sleep with in law school, e.g. the World of Warcraft freak who sat next to me in property and always wore a shirt that read “just one more level…just one more level…just one more level…” Or the heroin-addict with a mommy on the admissions board (and clear signs of heroin addiction plaguing his skin) who was kicked out in the first month of 1L year after admitting to the teacher in class that he had not read the cases because he didn’t buy the book (yes, notice the drug addiction was not the last straw, but rather the failure to do assigned readings).
    I had the biggest freaking crush on my adjunct professor.  There is nothign more attractive to a decent-looking, single 1L than a hot adjunct fresh out of Harvard with a big-firm job. Yummy (and married, of course).

  • MagicCircleJerk

    ITT: The bitter rant of a status-obsessed striver who clawed her fat ass up to the top of the shite pile of some flyover USA TTT law school to strive, thinking that working in some v100 chicago lit shop would be the meaning her life had always lacked. Yet here she is, a chicago shrew crying into cheap oaky chardonnay and cheese fries while her cat coldly watches.

  • Michelle

    Anyone who has slept with that many guys in law school (or before marriage), is definitely at risk for herpes and cervical cancer. This article is not at all funny. Insults everyone’s dignity. Also, women who sleep around in law firms are rapidly labelled and rarely advance to partner. I’ve know one’s who years after a a single indiscretion are known to strangers (lawyers) in the community – YEARS latter. Get some morals — for your health and career – and your soul.

  • Jerry

    All that has happened in the last few years is that the woman has slept with more fellas.

  • Eileen

    I would not sleep with guys from law school if I were a student again b/c they are interested only in satisfying themselves in bed, then burping and rolling off me and going to sleep, not caring at all if I had any pleasure.