1. Denial: I’m sure my boss abruptly asked me into the Executive Board Room and walked ahead of me, stiff-legged and too fast, because I forgot about some meeting I was supposed to be in! I’m sure that the head of HR is sitting in the room with a grim expression, her hands folded over a stack of papers, because she’s about to give me a huge raise! I always liked that lady.
2. Anger: What? I gave my life to this company! Okay one year, but still. I never liked that HR person! I will pack my things noisily and cheerily! EVERYONE WILL KNOW HOW HAPPY I AM TO GET OUT OF HERE. I’LL SHOW THEM.
1 & 2. More denial, mixed with anger: I never liked working here, anyway. Everyone here is dumb and boring well maybe not everyone especially the ones I will love always– just the ones I hate right now and the work was stupid except when it wasn’t and I always hated the way the sink was endlessly clogged in the kitchen.
3. Giddy relief: Oh my god I’m free I’m free no more stupid progress reports or self-evaluations or pointless weekly staff meetings or . . . OMG all that stuff I was putting off to do? I never have to do it!
4 & 1. Bargaining mixed with more denial: I know! This means that a far better job is waiting for me, right? When I get home I’m going to find an email from a recruiter with The Perfect Job of All Time. I will be paid to doodle, whistle a tune in the hallways, and make sexually inappropriate wisecracks during meetings. Bonuses for sexually inappropriate doodles. All of the meetings will just be us catching up on our four-day weekends and reporting on our sabbaticals and I will love everyone and it will pay seven million dollars a year!!!!!
5. Panic: I have to empty my HSA now now now now now oh my god we’re going to lose the house apply to all the jobs even ones I would rather die than do which is good since we’re all going to die what if they find out I stole some pens
3. A little more giddy relief: NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW ABOUT THE PENS
6. Depression: we are all going to live in the gutter and die except there are no gutters in this fucking town why did I move to a place with no gutters we are going to all have to die in the middle of the street and that is so embarrassing
7. Acceptance: Oh, okay. I don’t work there anymore, and life appears to be continuing. Well, then. That was a little embarrassing. Um, carry on folks! Nothing to see here.
[Post image via Shutterstock]