This Toy Operates on Battery

Bitter and Abused Columns, Lawyer 27 Comments

Picture it: I’m at my office’s crappy holiday party, sitting next to our firm’s office manager, who just so happened to be hotter, younger…and hotter than any law firm office manager should ever be. Forget the fact that the firm is too cheap to actually throw a real holiday party, and they’re serving $4 wine, cheese, and even some grapes here and there.

In walks the big head honcho partner, a textbook narcissist who actually thinks that when he talks (and dear God, he talks a lot!) people should actually listen to him. Forget the fact that the man actually crashed the office computer servers by downloading porn (and God knows what else he’s doing in his office). And forget the fact that he’s received death threats at the office from unknown sources (I’ll probably be the next, so its nice to know that I’m not alone), and forget the fact that he met his current wife in the lobby of the building of his prior wife while still married to her.

So, I see him come down the stairs in his blue-pinstripe suit, red tie and white shirt. He’s a pretty decent-looking guy with silver hair, a prominent Greek face and a deep baritone radio voice…but still the biggest pile of garbage walking.

Anyone up for a real-life Dead Man Walking?
He sits down next to the office manager and starts with small talk.
“Hey, [Cathy]. How are things? Enjoying the party?”
Blah blah blah. And then, about a minute later, he drops a bomb.
“So, [Cathy], how’s your vagina?”

Wait. Huh? Did he actually just ask our office manager about her vagina!? And it gets better. Apparently, feeling that a genital interrogation was not quite enough titillation for the evening (remember, this is the firm’s official in-office porn aficionado), he then began to gently rub her thigh for a good 20 seconds. From her thigh to her knee. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Meanwhile, the office manager is staring at me, horrified, with no idea what to do. We look at each other in total astonishment. The man doesn’t even process the wrongfulness of his actions. And if he hadn’t felt the urge to get up for some grapes, I think he might’ve even gone for the jewels. If I’m not mistaken, this lunatic partner might qualify him for the insanity defense in some states.

At any rate, the next day, I go into my office, and I get called into another partner’s office so he can ask me what I saw. I, of course, have no problem spewing the truth all over his bankruptcy-laden desk while he scribbles down some notes on Mr. Named Partner’s most recent in-office sexual escapade. After the meeting, I go back into my office and send myself a letter, which, to this day, sits unopened in my apartment and describes all of the details, just in case I need to refresh my recollection in court someday.

The next day, she quit. Six months later, I’m fired. I’m no hero, trust me. I almost let a grown woman die in front of me—and I’m a doctor. But in this case, I had to tell the truth. No grown man should ever get a free pass on a line that lame.

Share this Post

  • quadoz

    Maybe it is just me.  I’m either not getting this writer’s style or it is non-existent.

  • Son of Guano

    I agree.  In this job market, the last thing I think about is a woman’s vagina or having sex with her.  I worry about keeping my job.  No matter how hot an offfice manager may be her vagina is off limits to me and not what I think about if I am worrying about paying the rent.  Moreover, if I lose my job, no office manager will want to have sex with me, an unemployed lawyer.

  • Craig

    quadoz … I see what you are saying.  I think part of the problem is that the last line was probably written by the Bitter Lawyer editors, and not the original author.  The entire article just kind of blandly/voicelessly laid out what happened, and then the last line comes out of left field.

  • Son of Guano

    I forgot to mention that I once had a fling with an office manager when I first became a lawyer, and she was about 39.  That was 10 years ago, and she is now a hag.  It’s hard to believe that I went for that.  It goes to show how hard up you can get working long hours as an attorney.  At that point, I think I might have gone for anything with a va-jay-jay.  I’ve become far more discerning in the last 10 years.

  • Craig

    hahah ….  Now that is an ending!

  • Alfred

    true no one should get a pass for that!

  • Evil Lawyer

    This writer leaves out necessary detail: how short was the skirt?  Who hired the hot office manager?  What happened to the Passionate Partner?  Has he contacted the office manger a la Richardson to see if he can parlay some sympathy into an affair?  Has he contacted a lawyer to sue for wrongful term? Will he be able to reenact the thigh caressing at a video deposition.  In court?  What does BL1Y think about this?  What would ChickLitigator haave done? Inquiring minds want to know!

  • lawman

    Do we really care/want to hear what Bl1Y thinks of this or are we happy he has not weighed in yet?

  • Evil Lawyer

    BL1Y’s comments are marred by the typical first-year pre-coppernican view that all revolves around him. But he’s nowhere near as bad as Alma, who leans down from her pedestal every so often to remind us she’ll never date any of us (especially you Guano, who would probably be nicest to her).  BL1Y’s comments are also interesting to me: I never felt as entitled as he did, and I think its good to know that a substantial segment of the market feels that way.

  • unimportant

    i definitely see what quadoz is talking about. after reading this guy’s previous articles, i had assumed that english was probably not his first language, and that he sort of throws together his stories, peppered w/ misquoted punchlines of other people’s jokes/stories that he has noticed other people laughing at, while not fully communicating the necessary details which would allow his own anecdotes to rise above the nonsensical level. this article has not changed my opinion.

  • BL1Y

    Evil: What did I ever say that indicated I felt entitled?

  • KateLaw

    This site is going downhill quick… I come here less & less

  • Evil Lawyer

    BL1Y: Its an overall impression and not intended to be negative, just different from what I felt.  Katelaw: I agree: LF10’s irregular pieces, the news and Matthew Richardson are carrying this site, but I do like it a lot anyway. Site operators should contact recently departed associates to get more “I was there” type pieces, or induce others to post “my best/worst/most embararssing moment” pieces. The time when I once ridiculed our firm’s approaching retreat and imitated an older partner’s golf strokes in the library (and sure enough, one emerged from behind a shelf of books, with a tight-lipped smile, sending my audience scuttling and leaving me…), well, no one has libraries anymore so forget it. But there must be contemporary stories. Also, consider reporting on some real firms.  There must be some good gossip at NY bars.

  • SFLawyer

    I like your thinking Evil Lawyer.  I too like this site.  A few personalized quick paragraphs would be fun.  I’m sure many will need to be edited.

  • Alma Federer

    This is awful.  How come some guy gets away asking about a woman’s private parts, yet men get antsy if we even talk about their little weenie’s?  As far as I am concerned, I want NOTHING to do with a man’s weenie; NOTHING at ALL!  Men have some nerve asking about our privates.  It is none of their BEEZWAX!!!!

  • PseudoPartner

    The only reasonable response to “How is your vagina” in this setting is:  MY VAGINA IS NONE OF YOUR F*#&#@ BUSINESS.  Said very loudly so everyone in the place knows what is going on.
    Part of the “game” with guys like this is intimidation.  Women are afraid to say anything because of fear of reprisal.  DON’T take time to “think about it.” When it happens in public, make and immediate huge public ordeal out of it.  You are NOT at fault.  You are the victim.  YOU have nothing to hide.
    How could it have been any worse for her if she had done that?  She got fired anyway.  If she had done as I suggested, at least she would have had a whole room full of witnesses for her wrongful discharge/sexual harrassment lawsuit.

  • BL1Y


  • Son of Guano

    So Alma: you ask men about their “little” weenies on a first date?  That explains a lot.

  • Weenie

    Dear Alma:  Consider the feeling mutual.

  • Alma Federer

    You men just are terrible.  You misstate what I say, and make me out to be some kind of a shrew.  I will not stand for that.  You can ask any man that I work with how I am and they will tell you I am pretty and personable, fun to work with and very good with my clients. So if a few rotten apples on this site want to misquote me, or otherwise try to make fun of me, all I can say is FOOEY on you!

  • BL1Y

    Annoying as internet trolls are, I really have to admire Alma’s commitment to this entirely unfunny character.

  • I need advice!!!

    I need help here.  I am told this is the site to go to for advice.  My daughter has decided to go to law school. She’s a junior with terrific grades (summa level) at a top West coast college.  She eliminated med school (can do it but says the classes are dominated by relentless hard studying people who never party–not once); B school (the math) and has now decided law is the most sensible choice.  Should she go? Should I try to talk her into something else?  She is very personable yet super sharp.  I think law was one thing 30 years ago when I went: it seems to be another now, especially from comments on this site.  Any advice I can get would be greatly appreciated. Seriously.

  • traveling exBL3Y

    mr. i need advice, your instincts are correct, i wouldn’t recommend law school to anyone who isn’t independently wealthy (so there is no debt or a reason to stay at a biglaw shop once reality sets in).  nothing she is learning in college will prepare her for law school and to a larger extent, nothing in law school will prepare her for life as a lawyer.  bottom line, her vision of law school and being a lawyer has no basis in the realities she will face.  tell her to spend some time in europe and learn a new language, it may give her some direction in discovering a passion ( i’ve been at it since i was laid off and it’s been a blast).  if you need help convincing her to drop this law school idea, college women generally find me very persuasive.

  • I need advice!!!

    Travelling ex3LBy- But what else does a college junior more verbal that math oriented do after college? Audition for sweaty bald directors in Hollywood?  B school despite an inherent antipathy for math and number crunching?  (I share the same inability to handle math). She wants to make money, not a low grade salary to teaching, psychology and other similar careers are out.  She is attractive but does not want to get married yet. She does speak a couple of languages and thinks international law might be easier for her because of it. Is this realistic? I can’t tell–I’ve been out of the law market for so long. Thanks for your help.

  • Guano Dubango

    Mr. I need advice, law is a cut throat business, as you probably know.  Your daughter always has the MRS alternative.  She can have the best of both world.  Get a successful lawyer, marry him, and raise a family.  If your daughter is attractive, and interested in moving to NY, I will meet her.

  • Seniorpartner

    But, but–so how WAS her vajaja?

  • Sarcasmus

    I’m sorry, did I read the all-too-common “I’m a doctor” lawyer nonsense in this article too?  Don’t believe it here either.