Tom Brady Probably Sucks In Bed

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I inherited a lot of things from my dad: cooking skills, small hands, a bad temper—and a burning hatred for Tom Brady. I usually assume that everyone else hates Brady as much as me. But at the Super Bowl party I went to on Sunday, I had to suffer through hours of female Squawk & Awe over Brady’s hotness. None of the other girls could understand why I wasn’t trembling with desire along with them, though at the time, I didn’t feel like wasting my breath defending myself. Instead, I decided to list my reasons all at once, along with an evidentiary record. Here they are:

1He’s a loser. I mean, come on—Eli Manning just beat him again!

2He will complain if you don’t cheer him on and moan encouragingly until the very last second.

3If you get a little rough with him in the sack, he will instinctively look around for an official to whine to.

4I’m willing to bet his O-face is a smirk. Or, worse yet, looks like this.

5If you took him back to your place, he would bitch about the accommodations.

6His feet probably stink—because he wears Uggs.

7Any man who spends that amount of time on his hair is highly unlikely to be interested in spending any time on you before, during, or after sex.

8I wouldn’t be surprised if there are mirrors strategically placed throughout his bedroom to allow him to gaze at himself while copulating.

9This video of him dancing says it all. His hip movements are about as sensual as Newt Gingrich.

10He’s already had sex with a woman whose body looks like this. So unless you’re Adriana Lima, you’re probably going to be dealing with a shitload of desire-destroying self-consciousness.

11History supports the conclusion that if he gets you pregnant, he will leave you for a younger, hotter supermodel. And then have a baby with her.

12He expects over-the-top praise and adoration at all times, which is a recipe for disaster in the bedroom. And he would bitch at you for his lackluster performance.

13He would probably cry if he wasn’t able to get off. Since he cries about everything.

14You can’t exactly get down and dirty and have raunchy fun in bed with a guy who has a $6,000 electric butt-cleaning toilet.

Post image from AddyTsl/Shutterstock

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  • Guano Dubango

    I respectfully dissent. Tom Brady may not have won the Super Bowl, but he gets to go to bed every night with Gizelle Bunchkin, a veritable supermodel.

    I have an LLM, but all I can attract are women who are water buffalo. If I could attract another supermodel of a similar quality, my Aunt Ooona would be so happy.

    Moreover, I could be assured of a male heir, trying virtually every night until I succeeded. I would live happily ever after in Accra without having to kiss the arses of the partners at my law firm any more. I would, instead be busy every day and night, happily kissing the arse (and other parts) of my own veritable supermodel.

    If there are any qualifying women, please step forward. Water buffalo and hyena need not apply.

  • Ellen

    Fooey! I would Not want that guy on top of me! Fooey on smelly football sex! Fooey!’

  • Sienna

    I don’t think Tommy is attractive. He looks like every guy walking around in NYC.
    If he wasn’t famous, I don’t think most women would look at him twice.

    His wife is Butter. She has a nice body, but her face looks like a horse.