We released the Bottom Rung character sketch of Eugene, known as the “second best gunner.” No matter what walk of life you are in, you will have to deal with the Eugenes of the world. Some of them are intolerable. Others are mostly to be pitied and laughed at.
But are gunners walking around thinking they’re not gunners? Are you a gunner? Here’s a Bitter Lawyer reference guide to help determine if you are one—or to confirm the gunner status of any Eugenes in your professional or personal life.
1. You bought an extra exam outline at the law school bookstore—because it was the last one.
2. You raise your hand in Socratic-method classes.
3. You attend all the Friday Bar Reviews but always end up playing darts alone.
4. You have multiple copies of your resume on you at all times.
5. You offered to “beam” your resume from your Blackberry during an OCI interview.
6. You have had a nervous breakdown at some point.
7. You think a thirty-minute lunch break is excessive.
8. You have not only measured your documents per hour, but also your documents per minute.
9. You have no friends—except those on Friendster or Xbox Live.
10. You were once a hall monitor in middle school.
11. You went to Chicago Law School.
12. You know what your actual class rank is—and it’s not as high as what you tell people.
13. You keep a log of other people’s bathroom breaks.
14. You’ve inquired about billing by the hundredth of the hour.
15. You’re favorite character in Old School is Jeremy Piven’s character, Dean Gordon “Cheese” Pritchard.
16. You’ve called the cops on your neighbors for excessive noise.
17. You once had a detailed and annotated map of the study carrels in the law library.
18. You tell people who are absent from class that they “didn’t miss anything,” when in fact, they missed something extremely important—like a change in the exam date.
19. You “rounded up” your undergrad GPA on your Match.com profile.
20. You “shooosh” people.
21. You think the term “snitch” is a badge of honor.