Is there a better made up holiday than Valentine’s Day? For couples, love is in the air tomorrow. For those who are single, the worst day imaginable is tomorrow. No matter. We here at Bitter Lawyer have you covered in all your big V-day woes. Many of you might already have your plans set. Flowers ordered. Reservations made. Fresh sheets on the bed. Personally, I will just be waiting for Paige Brenner to return my phone call. But if you are still pondering your Valentine’s Day plans, let me help.
Let’s face it—no matter what you do tomorrow you will not be a better boyfriend than Terry Glen Doxey. The Michigan man, 47, was arrested this week after his own “Say Anything” moment outside his girlfriend’s window. The problem for Doxey is that his girlfriend is in jail and, instead of holding a boombox, he was holding, well, something else. According to the police report, Doxey was spotted in his Cadillac pleasuring himself so that his girlfriend could watch from her jailhouse window. Talk about being caught red handed. Apparently, conjugal visits just aren’t enough for these two lovebirds. Doxy’s girlfriend is not going to be released from a sentence for retail theft until September 2012. Doxey was charged with felony indecent exposure. He should be charged with best boyfriend ever.
Gifts are a key part to a successful Valentine’s Day. Thus, if your gift includes giving any of the following I suggest making a trip to the mall as soon as possible: a Facebook poke; divorce papers; a gift card; the movie “He’s Just Not Into You”; a health club membership; a rash; leftover Halloween chocolate; a DNA test; a homemade coupon book; carnations.
Did you forget to make dinner reservations? No worries. No worries, Waffle House will help you scatter, smother, and cover your date with “a night of greasy, syrupy wafflicious romance.” The reservation-only dinners are outfitted with 5-star amenities such as: tablecloths, cloth napkins, and alcohol-free champagne. Baller. Better yet, “Hot & Steamy” night at White Castle comes with a free dessert and fresh cut flowers (and an easy excuse when he asks if you are in the mood later on in the night).
If you are planning to
make the biggest mistake of your life propose to the love of your life on Valentine’s day, you might be interested in Pizza Hut’s Tie the Knot with the $10 Dinner Box. For $10,010, you get a red ruby ring, limo service, fireworks, flowers, photographer, and a videographer. Oh, and a $10 pizza box, which contains five breadsticks with marinara sauce and 10 cinnamon sticks with extra icing. Even if she says no, you can return it all to Pizza Hut later. Sign me up.
Obviously, nothing says “I’m probably getting laid tonight” than breadsticks with marinara sauce. Thus, when it comes to lovemaking, feel free to splurge on protection. If you really want to impress the ladies, whip out the latest in condom design: Louis Vuitton rubbers. These condoms, designed by artist Irakli Kiziria, are outfitted with the highly recognizable (albeit knock-off) LV branding on the packaging for your package. Nothing says “safe” like a knock-off condom. One prophylactic costs $68.00, so no matter how the night turns out you are getting screwed.
Post image from Shutterstock.