We do not know how we have the good fortune to be writing at the same time the Texas Law Hawk is making commercials, but somehow, we have been so blessed.
If you do not know of the law hawk and his clear, if unhinged, vision to protect your right to play high stakes Hungry Hungry Hippos with his Talons of Justice, we’ll wait right here while you read all about him.
Our hope: that one day, centuries in the future, archaeologists will discover lost footage of the Law Hawk and assume that 21st Century legal representation always included a motorcycle riding, wheelie popping, flame-loving bird man.
But, we do not have to wait for the greatness of that illustrious day. The Law Hawk is back! With a very secretive and super commercial!
What is going on here? We have no fucking idea! Have we reached out Bryan Wilson Texas Law Hawk to find out what he is doing with that green-screen foam/food situation? No!
Why? Wild and rampant speculation is far more exciting!!
At first we assumed that Law Hawk was going to sue Taco Bell for providing green foam rectangles instead of delicious tacos, and that he would be serving the multinational corporation via screeching eagle. Other more reputable organizations have indicated this is not the case.
Did Law Hawk team up with Taco Bell to make some sort of delicious foodstuff item? One that may or may not be being unveiled at the SOOPER BOWL?! Is Law Hawk that famous these days? WE THINK SO!
And what kind of foodstuff would this be? It could be ANYTHING! Could it be Alaskan King Crab legs? Others may say this is unlikely, but we say bring out the drawn butter!
Could it be gold encrusted sushi?! Yeah, you think we just made that up, but HAH! It’s a real thing. SEE!
We have no idea what Taco Bell is planning to reveal, what we do know, courtesy of Bryan Wilson, LAW HAWK, is that you can pre-order the secret item! We will do so right now! Please let it be french fries cooked in truffle oil! Update: other sites indicate that the Taco Bell mystery item is a Quesalupa. We do not know what this is, but there is some sort of cheese situation.
In the meantime, let it be known that if any of our Bitter staff get arrested in Texas, we know exactly who to call. Also know that at least one of your bitter editors who had no intention of watching grown men run around in spandex fighting over a ball will now do so in the hopes of seeing LAW HAWK on the big screen. That is the great appeal of Bryan Wilson, TEXAS LAW HAWK.