What You Get When You Google for Bitter Lawyers

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If you have a blog or website and want to waste your billable hours in the day research its effectiveness, try messing around with Google Analytics. For instance, we know now that, in about the last six months, search engines have sent us nearly 42,000 visits based on 18,041 keywords. Take it a step further and, for a few laughs, you can take a look at the actual keyword searches that get someone to visit you. Want some good examples? Here are ten keyword search terms that led to someone visiting Bitter Lawyer in the last six months.

“How to Get a Prostitute Without Getting Caught”

Maybe we should be proud of our position as an authority on how not to get arrested for hiring a prostitute or for engaging prostitution. Not sure what they found when these folks (all 18 of them) completed this search and clicked through to our site. We blame Matthew Richardson. But there’s more! We also are targeted for searches with these terms:

  • how to not get caught with an escort
  • how not to get caught in a prostitution sting
  • how to not get arrested for prostitution
  • adventures in boundary setting

“Fat Kid from Stand By Me”

There are about eight variations of this keyword search that relates to Bitter Lawyer, but most start with “Fat Kid” and end with “Stand by Me.” Others include “Fat Kid from Stand by Me Rebecca Romijn” and simply “Fat Kid” (not sure what else you’d find with that one). We’ve got a hint, folks. If you are looking for the fat kid from Stand by Me, yes, you can find him on Bitter Lawyer. His name is Jeff O’Connell and last time we looked he was still acting but also on his way to becoming an attorney. As were five other child stars, including Jeff Cohen from Goonies (we get a lot of searches for “Chunk from Goonies”).

“Why Being a Lawyer is Awesome”

We feel good about this one and about the search for “I love being a lawyer,” which has appeared about 150 times in the last six months. A great, positive pat on the back for us. This one is also similar to the search for “being a lawyer had better be awesome,” though that one has a tinge of regret in it, like the searcher just enrolled in law school. In any event, these search terms, when linked to Bitter Lawyer, make us feel pretty good.

“I Hate Life as a Lawyer”

Good feeling gone. We get a decent amount of traffic from haters who search for “I Hate Being a Lawyer.” Other variations include “Hate Being an Attorney,” “I Hate BigLaw,” “ShitLaw” and “I Hate Gunners.” OK, I guess we have a few bitter posts here and there, including 12 Things I Hate About Small Firm Practice and I’m Sickened By the Idea of Practicing Law and Want to be an Actor Instead. But we’ve got some positives out there, no? No?

“Noel Biderman Ashley Madison”

Believe it or not, after removing searches that use the term “Bitter Lawyer” in some way, this keyword search refers the most people to us. We interviewed Noel Biderman in 2009. He’s a lawyer and the owner of Ashley Madison.com, a web site known for hooking up married folks with other married folks. Except not married to each other. We call that adultery. He calls it big business.

“BigLaw Having Sex”

We’re not sure if the searcher is looking for assistance, reaching out for help, or wondering about law firm mergers. But at least 75 people found us through this keyword search (and one found us through “age of consent in california in 1850”). If you are looking for advice on this, umm, we actually have it. Again, we blame Matthew Richardson and his unethical and amoral post “How to Ditch a Law Firm Fling.” Or maybe it was The Forbidden Law Firm Fruit. Or, shit, maybe a few others.

“I Found a Typo Today Lawyer”

All hail document reviewers! You are superheroes. Well, the nine of you who used this keyword search, probably because you didn’t know what to do (we assume “angry lawyer typo” had different issues). To justify your efforts, it’s a good search, at least for finding something here. We created an entire webisode on Living the Dream on the issue of finding a typo. Rock on, lawyers!

“How to Be a Rich Lawyer”

We don’t have the secret, but folks sometimes look to us to provide it. Or at least find us when they are searching for the keys to that hidden wad of lawyer cash out there. This is also similar to searching for “want to be venture capital lawyer” and “dirty old man partner.” But far different than less frequent searches for “lathamed,” “chronic unemployed lawyer,” “adult entertainment lawyer ohio,” and “what happens if u fail the bar lawyer test.”

“What Does it Mean to Call Someone a Cupcake”

WTF? We have no idea. But we hope you found the answer somewhere on Bitter Lawyer. Same goes for the person searching for “wedding tort,” and then stumbling on to us. Other seemingly random searches include “asked a guy to show me his junk,” “awfully glad i’m a beta gamma omega moron,” and “douchebag lawyer 3 series bmw.” Whoever you are, we hope we helped.

“Alan Sheketovits”

We think Mr. Sheketovits is like Freebird for blogs, and he (or someone posing as him) posted a comment once on Bitter Lawyer. And posted comments on other blogs. But he also gets a decent amount of search traffic coming our way, more so even than Marc Korman and Tara Kole, well-known entertainment lawyers we’ve actually written about. Just who is Alan Sheketovits and why is he taking up our bandwidth?

(Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/salim/171439792)

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