With seemingly all of America returning to Westeros to find out if R+L really does = J,1 we figured it was about time to find out what H = RBG. That’s right: it’s time to determine which Game of Thrones house each SCOTUS justice would belong to.
Stephen Breyer — Tully — Do we even need to explain why Breyer is a Tully? It’s the same reason he’s a Hufflepuff — he’s not flashy, he gets the job done or at least is another warm body to stand between the forces of darkness and conservatism, and he seems weirdly like he should be the punching bag for the rest of the justices. You never really think about him — the other three liberals, and even the conservatives, are way more interesting than he is — but on balance, you’re glad he’s there, even if he never does anything all that important other than exist.
John Roberts — Lannister — Roberts is a charismatic, douchetacular pretty boy who occasionally does something inexplicably and vaguely helpful (like upholding the constitutionality of the ACA). He’s a missing hand and a short younger brother away from being Jaime Lannister. And much like Jaime, we should never forget he’s still an asshat.
Antonin Scalia (Honorary) — Frey — Sure, he’s dead now, but this list wouldn’t have felt complete without him. This one took us awhile. Think about it, though: Scalia was unfathomably spiteful, he had no respect for women’s bodies, he was extremely clever in his own unrepentantly dickish way, and he had a crapload of kids. Does that sound like anyone GoT fans know and loathe?
Clarence Thomas — Baratheon — Until recently, Clarence Thomas pretty much WAS Stannis Baratheon — merciless, unlikable, quiet, boring, and in thrall to a dark power (Melisandre/R’hllor in Stannis’ case, Scalia in Thomas’s). He’s still merciless, unlikable, stone-faced, boring, and silent, obviously; he just doesn’t have Scalia’s hand up his ass any longer. If he had a law clerk who was infinitely more likable than he was, we’d know for sure.
Sonia Sotomayor — Baratheon — Sotomayor is Robert Baratheon; she is willing to pick a fight with anyone who’d oppose the causes she believes in. You want Sonia Sotomayor charging into the fray, the tip of the spear to your ideological army. You don’t necessarily want her in charge after that, but as we’ve seen in the cases of both the high court and Westeros, there are sure as hell worse options than either of them.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg — Targaryen — Like this could be anyone or anything else. The Notorious RBG gives absolutely ZERO fucks, and spits mad fire in oral arguments. She thinks nothing of roasting fools like Texas Attorney General Scott Keller, and if all the SCOTUS justices were locked in a burning building, RBG would be the one to walk out unscathed.
We wouldn’t be shocked if she actually had legitimate, real-life dragons at her beck and call. We MIGHT have originally said Martell for this one, but that was before the show absolutely ruined that entire goddamned house.
Anthony Kennedy — Tyrell — Anthony Kennedy basically IS the real-life Mace Tyrell. Everyone kind of thinks he’s an idiot, he frequently doesn’t think shit through, he has an overinflated sense of his own importance, you’re never really sure if he’s a dick or an amiable doofus, and he’s all about seizing personal glory for himself (and his house). As an added bonus, both Mace and Kennedy are also totally down with the gays.
Elena Kagan — Lannister — Hear me out. Kagan is not a Lannister in the mold of Tywin, Jaime, or Cersei. She’s not vindictive, spiteful, narcissistic, or consumed by petty jealousy. She actually isn’t so much a Lannister as she is one particular Lannister: Tyrion, everyone’s favorite dwarf. She’s smart, likable, clever, and you get the sense that maybe she should just be in charge of the whole endeavor. She’s like if Tyrion didn’t continually have awful things happen to him that weren’t his fault.
Samuel Alito — Greyjoy — WHAT IS DEAD MAY NEVER BE DISMISSED ON STANDING. Can’t you just picture Alito running into the main SCOTUS chambers, stealing Breyer’s sandwich from right in front of him, punching him in the face, shouting “I PAY THE IRON PRICE!” and just peacing the fuck out? Of course you can, and that’s why He Does Not Sow.
JUST SHOW US THE REST OF THE GODDAMNED NED STARK MEMORY, DAVID BENIOFF AND D.B. WEISS, YOU SADISTIC FUCKING MONSTERS ↩