Why Does J. Crew Hate My Breasts?

Law Firm 10 Law Firm 10, Lawyer 39 Comments

I swear on my life, this is the last time I’m going to allow myself to be seduced by the blouses in a J. Crew catalog. Either that, or I’m going to have to get a breast reduction.

I made two mistakes this past week:

First, I violated my strict rule against oxford-style shirts by ordering a J. Crew chambray popover.

Second, I decided to wear said blouse to work.  That’s how deluded I was by its bewitching powers, which beckoned from the body of a model who clearly never had to deal with the nightmares of puberty.

That day, as if on cue, my office phone rang with an internal call early in the morning. It was a partner that I despise more than anyone in the world because of his near-sociopathic mixture of insecurity, sadism, legal talent and a bad temper. He demanded that I meet him in a conference room to discuss a “small research assignment.”

I said a couple of Hail Marys, braced myself for his demonic powers and pushed open the conference room door. Immediately, I noticed him staring at my chest like a sixth-grade boy who found his father’s porn stash.

I instinctively glanced down at myself. The conservative blouse suddenly looked insanely provocative, pulled tight across my chest. I was struck with the fear that I looked like I was begging for an impromptu wet oxford contest. When I had a chance, I unbuttoned an extra button in an effort to loosen the blouse, which, of course, only made me look like I was trying to titillate him further.

Much to my chagrin—and thanks to the blouse’s unwitting display of my breasts—he ended up installing me as a permanent fixture on his case.  Without ever making even one instance of eye contact with me during our 45 minutes together in the conference room. I suspect he took the blouse as a tacit indication that I found his sadistic qualities irresistible and wanted to commence sex immediately—a sensation that isn’t altogether unfamiliar.

He’s since dropped by my office unannounced and without good reason each day—stomping in with his gaze fixed downward 45-degrees.  And for four days in a row, I’ve witnessed his dissatisfaction in discovering yet another full-coverage cardigan.  If I’m lucky, maybe he’ll conclude that I’m a tease and spring me from the case.

But in the meantime, I’m utterly stuck with him and his nasty lechery. Since I can’t take my frustration directly out on him, I’m focusing my pent-up rage instead on the entity most deserving of the blame for this tragedy: J. Effing Crew.

After years of blowing a serious portion of my salary at Neiman Marcus and Saks on the work attire of my lawyerly dreams, I finally realized the frivolity of devoting money to a business wardrobe that’s largely wasted on legions of tasteless, mouth-breathing lawyers within an office that has about as much glamour as a crypt.

So, I turned to J. Crew—the one retailer that is supposed to allow me to maintain my predilection for professional style without squandering the entirety of my checking account. The fashion cretins at my firm certainly don’t know the difference between Theory and J. Crew, which means I can devote the money saved to more amusing vices. Like vodka.

I’ve relied on their Jackie cardigan as my unofficial daily uniform for a while now.  I own about 14 of the cute, feminine (and largely un-provocative) sweaters in a variety of colors.  But then I got tired of being nagged about my almost OCD-like devotion to the same cardigan.  The question I hear most at the office—other than, “When will you have that done?”—is, “Don’t you own anything other than those cardigans?” So I decided to try out a few J. Crew new-arrival blouses.

Which brings me to a fact that all female lawyers and law students must understand. And the fact is this: Women, like me, who are thin but have large breasts, look utterly ridiculous in oxford shirts.  It’s either oversized frumpy or undersized slutty. There’s nothing in between. Yet I allowed myself to believe in J. Crew’s infallibility, which has ended with me becoming a full-time underling to a partner I hate.

It should have been obvious, as I re-flip through the catalog. At first glance, all of the blouses looked irresistibly appealing and of-the-moment. But it’s now clear that the willowy models, all of whom are built like Keira Knightley, are the reason that the button-down shirts look so seductively perfect. These are not women who sit in ergonomic desk chairs every waking hours.  Sure, they’re all as pale as I am, but that’s where the comparison ends. I suddenly realized that in 70 pages, there wasn’t a single breast, curvy thigh, or hip to be found.

The attributes of the oxford did not evolve with the female form in mind. They are, first and foremost, shirts for men. And with the obvious exception of 38% of the men in my office, the male form for which they were originally intended does not have breasts. So it’s no real surprise that oxford shirts look best on women with small chests.

Unfortunately, I don’t work for Anna Wintour. I work in a depressing law firm. Nor do I have time midday to seek out macrobiotic foods and Equinox ellipticals.  Even if I did, I still couldn’t change the architecture of my body that much. That thanks goes to the Italian genes that endowed me with hips and boobs in the fourth grade. My grandfather and my dad have C cups, for Christ’s sake.

I lied to myself by thinking I found a way to look as waspy-ishly beguiling as the women in my J. Crew catalog. Instead, I became Jennifer Love Hewitt, J.D.

There was a time when I believed that my natural assets might supplement my impeccable work ethic and intelligence. That ship has sailed. The Corri Fetmans of the world can have at it.  I want none of the extra billable hours that Mad Men-style curves can attract. So shouldn’t a place as benign as J. Crew be able to provide the wardrobe for this new chapter in my career?

Decidedly not.

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  • Anonymous


  • Alma Federer

    LF 10, when you will realize that law firm men love to stare at our bodies and drool?  We cannot feed these mouth-breathing slobs by dressing provocatively, let alone wear any clothing that accentuates our bosoms.  It is a shame that the partner looks at your breasts first, but that is because you let him.  You should stare at his crotch (if you can bear the thought) and look up only periodically.  I have found that when I do this, men get very nervous, and check their zippers to make sure they are properly covered.  In college, I was in my sociology professor’s office, and when he started staring at me, I stared right back at his pants.  He got so embarrassed because he was getting firm–as if he thought he was going to get anywhere. So anyway, once you learn how to deal with these type ofmen, you will not be self conscious.  You cannot give any indication to a man that you are interested or available.  Otherwise, they will view you as only an object for sex.  Men do not care what we think about or have to say.  They only envision us as helpless females who are anxious to please them in bed.  How these silly slobe actually believe we are interested in that is something I will never understand.  So learn this lesson.  Wear conservative clothing, and do your work, but eliminate all femininity from the workplace.  These are not the type of men you want to marry. And when you do find the guy you want to marry, the last thing you want is to get phone calls at your apartment from slobbering losers whom you have shared your body with.

  • Guano Dubango

    It is bad if men stare at your chambray popover and the large breasts beneath.  I do not care if you have big breasts, and my Aunt Ooona would never let you pay $78 for a silly chambray popover, as she knits much prettier dashikis for all of our family members to wear.  I have an extra nice blue and orange dashiki that is a little too small for me.  Would you like for me to send it to you as a token gift of my affection?  In Ghana, wearing the blue and orange dashiki, it represents a symbol of love and power.  When you wear this dashiki, you will think of me.  And that is a good thing.

  • EJD

    The more she describes herself in these articles, the more I am starting to get a picture of her in my head:

  • Magic Circle Jerk

    Alma- without even reading your comment, STFU as I’m sure it’s full of crap
    LF10- use those fun bags to your advantage! manipulate the shit out of the poor under-sexed untermenschen that inhabit biglaw.  Men use height and muscles all the time to intimidate each other, why not use what you got to get what you don’t?
    and you’re right, JCrew only look good on skinny tall white chicks

  • NYC New Reader

    Fun reading.  When you are fully developed as the author, tops are hard to find.  Why don’t designers take into consideration many modern women get implants and need the room.  Oh! I think most of the designers are men.

  • Anonymous

    Wahhhhh I’m a pretty girl and my boobs are big; life is SO hard right now you guys.

  • BL1Y

    Buy a full length mirror.  Before leaving for the day, stand in front of it and look at yourself.  Problem solved.

  • PrequelBitter

    Law Firm 10: (See narcissistic personality disorder)
    – Prime example of the well founded principle that if a female is unmarried by the age of 28, there is 87% chance it is because of the balancing test outcome of: Crazy > All Redeeming Positive Characteristics…

  • quadoz

    This articles entire purpose was for LF10 to tell us her physical description.  She must not be doing so well with her current sex buddy.  Looking to see whats out here?

  • Hannah Palindrome

    I feel your pain. I nevert wear button-down shirts because of my “boobies.”

    I wear twinsets or sweaters.

    I would prefer a bigger butt…in my next life.

  • Smurf

    “When I had a chance, I unbuttoned an extra button in an effort to loosen the blouse…”—Sounds to me like you knew exactly what you were doing.

  • Juris Depravis

    1. Keep wearing Oxfords. 

    2. Document the ogling (witnesses are even better!).

    3. Sue (or threaten to sue) for hostile work environment. 

    4. Get a fat settlement.

    5. Retire (you hate being a lawyer anyway). 

    6. Pics, or I call B.S.

  • KateLaw

    Try Banana Republic shirts (they fit better) and start writing better posts.  This one was baaad.

  • KateLaw

    Oh and don’t wear a padded or pushup bra of any kind and use a safety pin.. it closes the gap b/w the buttons perfectly

  • Deraj

    So, let me get this straight, you’re just now figuring out that model’s bodies don’t mimic the average American female form.  Quite the shocker.

    Women who are well-endowed are very conscious of this fact and choose clothes to play up or play down that feature.  The only reason you’re upset is because you attracted attention from someone you despise.  Or should I say, that you allegedly despise.  Heck, you even unbuttoned a button when you noticed the attention you were getting from this guy who supposedly disgusts you.

    All that aside, please keep writing about your boobies.  Have you named them?

  • Jennifer Love Hewitt, J.DD.

    Wow—I am Jennifer Love Hewitt, J.DD.—and it’s awful.  I’ve thought of a breast reduction several times.  It’s an awful feeling when you realize that even the most conservative clothing only makes you look more like a chesty freak.  I know that they only descriptor anyone at the firm uses for me is “You know, huge knockers?”

  • Jennifer Love Hewitt, J.DD.

    PS, Don’t let anyone tell you this post was bad.  I loved it!

  • Mama JD

    I feel your pain as a 36D who wears a size 4 in bottoms.  <sigh> I too have learned to swear off button-down shirts unless my suit jacket is buttoned over them.  A sad reality!  Same goes for tight sweaters.  I’ve had to become more conscious about those as well.  I want to be remembered for my persuasive legal arguments and cunning analysis, not my D cups.

  • SM

    Solution: wear oxfords over a conservative shell, and leave the overshirt unbuttoned to make a flattering “v.” No angst required.

  • Hello Kitty

    LF10…after reading your story, I kinda wanna bang you and your huge cans.  What’s your number?

  • Anon – F – 32 C, JD

    LF10 you are right, JCrew is the devil.  Not only are their shirts made for young boys, their pants are made for women with legs rivaling a professional basketball players.  Their petite section?  Yeah, not in the store and as you know, their catalogue is not to be trusted.

  • Alan

    If those boobs belong to LF10, I’ll respectively pass.  She looks slovenly and stanky to me, and the thought of caressing those breasts simply is not very sexy to me.  I think she’s been hitting the pasta too much, and there is nothing worse than a porked out broad who thinks she’s all that.

  • Son of Guano aka Hugh J Knockers

    Thin and decent breasts? (not embarrasingly large ones like that stock picture from another page–trust me–we do not like ridiculously large breasts).  And smart? Carson that lucky sob.  But unbuttoning a button is…well… i mean come on.  PS: BL1Y: in Birmingham today; its cold.  PSS to Alma:  I don’t hink anyone is interested in you anymore Even Guano is losing interest and that is sad (sorry Guano) . Sorry Alma you can”t be a tease forever. At least LF10 delivers.

  • Handsome Avocat

    Je suis très dur…

  • Irag and Afag

    Knockers up boys and we will all salute.  That’s what we are fighting for.

  • Anonymous

    I agree with the fellas above that those are one ugly set of hooters.  If this dame is the best the legal field can offer, Im glad I was able to find solace in another woman’s busom.  This chick looks mighty sweaty and meaty, and the cheap shirt unbuttoned makes this broad extremely unattractive to any guy with a 6 figure salary, hell a 5 figure salary.

  • Bitter Overseas

    There was a point in this story where it could have totally gone ‘penthouse letters’ or something. We’re so susceptible to erotic assaults on our imagination! Portnoy was right on: “Ven der putz shteht, Ugt der sechel in drerd”

  • Boo hoo

    Try getting fitted for a bullet-resistant vest as a new 24 year old cop with the same problem!  (Yep, first a cop then a lawyer…) As for the shirts, order one that fits your chest without gaping and have it tailored to the rest of you…simple.

  • Bill

    WTF, Bitter Overseas, we are not friggin’ Germans, if you are saying something, friggin’ say it in friggin’ English.  I will say that these is one sweaty looking squeezebox.  I advise the woman to get with the program and clean it up.

  • Bitter Overseas

    Bill: It means, basically, ‘when the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground’.

  • Ferjo

    I think J. Crew is indifferend to your breasts, as it should be.  Why not get serious about practicing law

  • Suzie

    LF10 sounds cool.

  • www.pinkshoelawyer.blogspot.com

    Comment 1:
    Fashion designers—mostly gay men—design for the bodies of 14 year old boys.  Unless you go to Chico’s.  So… prepare yourself for spending a lot of the with the korean tailor across the street from the office.
    Comment 2:
    For all you men rolling your eyes at a woman complaining about being “too attractive.” You cannot even imagine the hundreds of hours of life wasted worrying away about how to avoid unwanted advances wtihout simultaneously ruining your career.  And, as you know, lawyers’ standards (even the rich ones) are not particularly high when it comes to getting laid at work.  We either deal with the crap or… dress like we shop at Chico’s.
    what would *you* do???

  • Anon

    there’s also the option of getting the size up, and then having your cleaner/tailor take in the waist.  proper coverage up top, proper fit down below.

  • Anonymous

    32D?  Maybe you should ask your plastic surgeon for a partial refund?  And maybe C cups?

  • Anonymous

    Hey just came across this as a result of the link to your posts from the “Are Lawyers Wimps” piece, so I realise it was awhile back that you posted this. Anyway, thought I’d recommend a shop called Bravissimo. I don’t know if it exists in the US, but here in the UK it’s pretty common and specifically designed for curvy women. My girlfriend wears a 36F and goes there for both underthings and shirts, dresses, etc. No idea how fashionable it is (I’m an engineer, fashion is not my forte), but I do know they have business wear as well and she looks good in the stuff she’s gotten there. Might be worth a look.

  • SoCo

    J. Crew clothes are cheaper because they make them in Asia using Asian fit models. Asian fit models are not known for their womanly curves. The cheaper you go in clothing, the more this will be a common occurrence.

  • Internet Lady

    Wow I found this post through Google, literally having the same problem and annoyance re: J Crew oxfords and I am surprised at how vitriolic the comments are. Enough so that I am posting! Which I never do! On a random Google find!

    Anyway author, if you are an actual human and not a troll as the commenters seem to suspect, you could try buying a size up and utilizing a tailor. I think that’s what I’m going to do, because fashion is stupidly ignorant of lady parts.