Why Are Fat People in My Office So Stupid?

Law Firm 10 Columns, Law Firm 10, Lawyer 12 Comments

Call me an insensitive asshole (in fact, you probably already have 1,000 times over), but recently my agitation has been building with a particular category of stupid people: stupid fat people who constantly discuss dieting and exercising and invest in gimmicky weight loss ploys, yet somehow just continue to expand. All of a sudden, I’m pretty much surrounded by people who fit this definition—and that’s about the only thing they fit into.

Take, for instance, this male associate that’s a couple of years ahead of me. I remember what he looked like when I was a summer associate, and since then, he’s clearly gained between 25 and 30 pounds—and with each week that passes, he seems a little bigger and more bloated. Obviously there isn’t anything unusual or even noteworthy about an overworked big firm lawyer adding girth. Or developing Aeron-chair ass after a year or two of seeking solace from the billable hour daily grind by indulging in high calorie take-out food on weeknights and weekend binge drinking followed by late night char-dogs and cheese fries at the Weiners Circle and/or burritos at LaBamba.

But here’s how this guy takes it to the next level and elevates himself into a realm that merits criticism: all he talks about is working out and dieting. In literally every conversation, he finds a way to mention that he’s planning on hitting the gym after work, or he rubs and stretches one of his legs and complains that he recently strained something working out. And here’s the hysterical thing: he has a multi-location membership at the most expensive gym in town, yet the only workout he ever does is 30-45 minutes on an elliptical. In other words, he probably burns more calories thinking and talking about going to the gym than he does when he’s actually at the gym.

When he has to go out of town for depositions, he makes a big scene out of demanding that his secretary confirm that there’s an elliptical in the hotel fitness center before he allows her to make a reservation for him. And speaking of his secretary—every six weeks or so, it seems that he buys a new detox/weight loss “nutrition system” online, and then he forces her to organize the pills and potions and powders and bars into daily servings for him. However, I’ve never actually seen him consume any of it, and the ghosts of all of his fad diets are collecting dust in various cabinets and file drawers throughout his office. In fact, last week his secretary came into my office, shut the door conspiratorially, and admitted to me that all along she’s been stealing and consuming the supplements that actually look legit from his nutrition programs as a means of sneaky payback for the insult of having to do shit like that for him in the first place.

And notwithstanding all of this fuss—or, perhaps, because of it—he’s never lost a single pound. In fact, he’s the kind of person that you can actually hear getting fatter. (Side note: I recently hacked into this Catholic dating website that he told me he’s on, and I discovered that he described his body type as “athletic” in his profile. So there’s also that kind of delusion in the mix.)

Now let’s move on to two more examples. As excited as I was to finally be moved from my shitty shared interior office into a solo exterior office with a window, there was also a downside—my office is sandwiched between two female associates who are the undisputed heavyweight champions of the office. I’m not exaggerating in the least when I say that they evoke a strong resemblance to the late 80’s WWF tag team the Twin Towers—minus the facial hair.

These two biggies are best friends (naturally), and they constantly visit one another’s offices throughout the day to discuss (and consume) food. It seems that they’re constantly shoveling baked goods and candy and fried crap (e.g. Hardee’s, which I didn’t even know was still in business but somehow they used their Cheddar Bisc-dar to locate one nearby), washed down with enormous syrupy Starbucks concoctions dripping with whipped cream and caramel sauce. And yet, they’re constantly complaining to one another about the fact that they’re unable to lose weight even though they’ve been “really watching it and eating good lately”—a state of affairs which they both blame on their “thyroid issues.” Right, because if only their thyroids functioned properly, they would somehow be able to defy the laws of physics and lose weight despite consuming something like 8,000 calories each day.

Oh, and every once in awhile they feel the need to awkwardly linger in my office doorway and invite me on trips to Walgreen’s for “sweet chocolatey treats.” I always decline, and they always respond by sneering, “Well, I guess that’s why you’re so skinny,” as if I’m some sort of holier than thou jerk for not wanting to plug up my insides with Milk Duds while chained to my desk chair. And every summer, they engage in this ridiculous ritual of strapping on Skechers Shape Ups and taking 20 minute long walks on Michigan Avenue—an activity that probably burns 17 calories total, yet they always chatter excitedly about how they just “walked off lunch” when they return from their futile daily pilgrimages. I’m just waiting for one of them to fracture a hip.

I guess what I’m getting is that I don’t understand all of this nonsense. These people have brains and are capable of simple math and understanding the principle that, if you consume more calories than you should every day, you will gain weight, whereas if you consume less, you will lose weight. That is the rule, and it’s crazy basic, but somehow it continues to elude them. I mean, these three associates are able to successfully ferret out needle in a haystack case law to support complex arguments in summary judgment briefs, yet they’ve got themselves convinced that taking a daily walk or a spin on an Elliptical whilst pounding down five times the number of calories required for weight loss each day should be more than enough to melt the excess pounds off their flabby, covered in fat rolls bodies.

Although, maybe I could spin these observations into some sort of business idea. If fat people are this stupid and desperate to lose weight without legitimate effort, there’s gotta be a way to make a fortune in there somewhere (too bad somebody else already came up with the Shake Weight). Magic thyroid-fixing beans, anyone? Perhaps this will be my ticket out of Big Law . . . finally!

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  • Guano Dubango

    I am not a behavioral psychologist, but it is my humble opinion that LF10 is very disappointed that for all of her efforts, she has, to date, fared no better than the 3 heavyweights she takes time to describe with derision.

    Since she longs for an escape from “big-law”, it is also my humble opinion that LF10 will be much happier, and will not find the need to look down on these 3 fatties once she is living in the suburbs of Chicago (Oak Tree park perhaps) and getting pounded on a regular basis by some guy who has a good job in the city.

    Am I wrong? Would not good sex twice a day do this woman a world of good?

  • Jane Laycock

    I think he called it correctly, Insensitive Asshole. Perhaps he should break a leg and walk a mile in a fat persons shoes. Just my thoughts..everyone can have them.

  • WorkitOff

    Being fat is a choice. Of course genetics dictate that some people will be more stocky, shorter, taller, thinner, or more easily able to lose weight than others. That said, anyone who is really fat made the choice to eat poorly and not exercise. It really is a simple equation, eat less calories than you burn and you will lose weight. Fat people are always seemingly attempting to recruit others into their fat cult. Fat people at my office constantly comment on me not eating cake or whatever other baked good someone brings in nearly once a week saying “That’s why you’re in shape.” No shit. The worst is when someone sits there whilst eating cake or some other fattening food and says something like “well you’re just lucky that you don’t gain weight like me.” I don’t gain wieght like you because I eat right and exercise. Do the same and you will not be fat.

    • LawyaGagsatfat

      Workit off:

      So right!! I am also a thin lawyer surrounded by FAT, FAT, FAT women in the office. However, in our office, none of the lawyers are fat – it’s the staff – they have cake and other parties and eat the worst food. And then they whine they can’t lose weight. They can’t lose weight because they won’t STOP eating.

      I’m old but I’m thin. Why? As Workitoff said – Counting calories. I am so sick of staring at all the FAT asses around here!

  • evil lawyer

    God i love it when LF10 is on a roll! (but isn’t 45 min on the elliptical enough?)

  • Abbie

    Hmmm, written by “Law Firm.” While I’m curious as to actually wrote this, you have an excellent point and I applaud your keen observations.

  • Rance Stoddard

    Haha, I totally know people just like that. I remember when I first started lifting weights (long before I was a lawyer) I would have the fattest guys telling me all about the gym routines I needed to do to be as successful as them.

  • Joe

    It is just as humorous when overweight people and health conscious people (mostly women) pump themselves with diet sodas. The aspertame and/or other artificial sugars in those drinks cause everything from cancer to alzheimer’s. And, it’s also been shown that they give the body the feeling that it isn’t full, so people actually end up eating more than if they had simply drank water or even normal soda.

  • Mean Partner

    But Lord Guano, even if she isn’t getting more action that the pork-rind gulping plus sizers, its her choice. She could always troll herself through any upscale bar, and she’d have more action that Matt Richardson in a Brioni suit on payday. But unlike the self-indulgent porkers who have given up the idea of coupling with another human, (those were usually long-term staffers in my firm), she hasn’t and still can.

    Its too bad if she is letting it all fade away on the mistaken belief that she has all the time in the world, but she at least has a present ability to take guys home. I would like to know more about why she is still single, whether she still believes in the “perfect” guy and why partners in her firm–seeing that she is not affrixed to a husband–have not made more moves on her..

  • Guano Dubango

    It is my humble belief that the woman is psychologically needy, and notwithstanding that she may (repeat may) be somewhat attractive visually, that attractiveness, like an overripe peach, may rapidly overwhelm men with her psychological neediness, to the extent that even if she is able to bring home and bed an inebriated man from the corner bar on payday, when he wakes up, smells the coffee (and other odours), and is forced to listen to the incessant whining occasioned by the woman’s giving of herself to him the previous night; whatever fading visual attractiveness that was there wears off almost immediately under the morning light, and the man will often prefer to grab his underwear, slacks and shoes, and get out of there right away, always without breakfast and often even without showering! Believe me, I have been that person in my home country where the women are very aggressive, and even here in the USA. It is one thing to bed a woman once (or even twice), but it is another thing to stay with a woman like this.

  • Billy

    I am sick of seeing fat people in the office. I want to vomit every time I have to walk past one of these 300+lb people. Nearly everyone on the floor I work on is obese. I think out of the 30+ women on the floor 27 are obese and take the damn elevator to the 2nd floor. There might be two women that are just normal sized and maybe one that is actually in shape. The baked goods and candies and fried foods that come around on a regular basis is insane. I never eat them and I catch all kinds of hell for it every time. I eat right everyday and work out 5-6days a week. Yes it takes work. Yes it takes a little self control. But realistically being obese takes work and commitment. I mean being 100+lbs over weight takes effort on a daily basis to consume that amount of calories. People don’t need to be really fit but come on. Water instead of soda won’t kill you. I am just really sick of seeing obese people everywhere I look. I love the short 5min walk around the building at lunch by these women. Yeah, that is going to fix the problem. You walked .5 miles at lunch. Boom, instant fit. Yet a year plus of this activity has yielded zip in weight loss. If you don’t sweat when you workout you aren’t working out. The worst part is our office has a awesome gym in the building and you get a mandatory hour for lunch for everyone. No excuses. But hardly anyone uses it. How lazy do you have to be? There are full showers and locker rooms as well.

    To make it worse these people and there lifestyles are causing my heath insurance rates to go up. Why aren’t they paying more? They have a higher health risk.

  • Lynn The Atheist

    Haha! “Cheddar Bisc-dar”. That killed me!

    I don’t really care what other people do to their bodies, I’m pretty Libertarian that way. The annoyance comes from listening to fatfucks constantly give diet and exercise advice.