You Are What You Drink, Breakfast Edition

Han Bitter Solo Columns, Lawyer 2 Comments

They say you are what you eat. Well in the law firm setting taking time for an actual meal is frowned upon. Still, breakfast is the most important part of the day. I am of the firm belief that you can judge a book by its cover and that goes double by an individuals drink choice. Without further adieu, Bitter Lawyer presents: You Are What You Drink, Breakfast Edition.

Homemade Smoothie.  You have been and always will be a gunner. You probably wake up chipper every morning to get some ginseng and vitamin b-12. Hit the gym from 5-6 then it is into the office where you are the first one there (unless you count the associate who passed out there last night). Everybody loves your work but hates you individually. That might have something to do with your dumb catch phrases like: “Didn’t you get the memo” and “Run it up a flag pole.”

Coffee, Black.  Your name is likely on the door. You are slightly past your prime but a great lawyer nonetheless. Too bad nobody wants to work with you because your coffee breath is enough to make everyone want to vomit. Still you are like the grandfather we all wish we had. Also, you have a special coffee mug from Harvard Law Class of ’73 that is held together with glue, which is adorable. But seriously the coffee breath. Stop asking your secretary to make a carbon copy of a letter and eat a mint. Hell even a Werther’s Original would help.

Hot Tea.  You likely are wearing a pants suit. Either that or you are English. Either way I can guarantee that you say fancy words and are probably smarter than most of the people in the office . . . or at least sounds like it. You definitely practice in a more laid back and relaxed area – likely tax law.

Whiskey/Bourbon.  You are the fun partner. Sure it is only 8:30 but a splash of whiskey in your morning drink will help you get to happy hour faster. You don’t have to celebrate every thing you do with ‘a round of drinks.’ Simply filling a continuance doesn’t mean you can leave the office at 4:00. Also stop using the term “Winning.” You don’t win. In fact you lost an uncontested case earlier this year. I didn’t even know that was possible.

2-Gallon Jug of Water.  Let me go ahead and make some assumptions: you are young, a male, don’t miss a UFC fight, can’t wait to hit the gym and get your swell on, and believe every good looking associate/clerk/secretary/paralegal wants to date you. Sure you carry a fancy brief case but it is filled up with protein bars and creatine.

Iced Venti, 2 Regular Shots, One Decaf, 3 Pumps White Mocha, 4 Pumps Gingerbread, Half Soy, Half Nonfat, 2 Splenda, 3 Equals, Easy Ice, with Carmel and Chocolate Drizzle.  You either an asshole or a 12-year-old girl. Either way most people find you annoying. Not as annoying as the barristas that you likely yell at for putting 3 Splendas and 2 Equals because you “can totally tell the difference.” Every time I see you walking through the halls of the office I want to slap your drink out of your hand like Mutumbo.

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  • Thalia

    Espresso. Black. Caption that.

  • Jennifer

    A Latte, shortly followed by Diet Coke