Tonight on THE BACHELOR, Olivia spent $40,000 on her clothes before coming to The Bachelor! I don’t think I spent $40,000 on my college education, and look where it got me!
The women don’t like Olivia, but there’s more important stuff to worry about, like DATES!
Lauren B. gets the one-on-one date, but the bigger winner of this date is Ventura County, where I live! Ben takes Lauren B. to the Camarillo Airport, where they take a nice relaxing biplane ride.
Just kidding, a biplane is a tiny evil stunt plane piloted exclusively by bad people, so just watching this date makes me motion sick. Lauren B. is very nervous about flying in a tiny stunt plane, which is funny because she is a flight attendant. They fly over the Bachelor house, where the girls who don’t have a date mumble about how they’d like to be on the date. I personally would have been mumbling about how much I would not like to be in a tiny stunt plane, but that’s just me. They land the plane in the middle of nowhere, where there is a hot tub. Did a hot tub company sponsor this season?
But that’s not all! They go to dinner at the Camarillo Ranch House. Let me tell you, I used to work in Camarillo, and the Ranch House is not only not a restaurant, they’re very picky about who they actually let inside the house, so Mr. Ben Higgins should feel very special indeed.
Then Ben has a country (?) singer (??) named Lucy Angel performing in the barn. There is a little bit of canoodling. I pronounce this date slightly overboard this early in the game, but it wouldn’t be the bachelor if people were falling in love on anything approaching a normal timeline.
(Calia’s been freaking out over the fact that she’s in a sister-wife situation, here. “It’s gonna be worth it!” She says, with all the joy of a hostage.)
And now it’s time for a group date! The women are taken to the LA Coliseum, a place I have ALSO been to many times. Harrison, for the record, this is how you keep me watching the show: I love seeing places I have actually been to. It makes me feel connected!
Kelley O’Hara and Alex Morgan of the US women’s national soccer team, who are way too good for this show, are there to teach the women how to play soccer, which is good because apparently none of them has ever seen so much as a soccer ball. The women go through a training camp where Olivia repeatedly tries to stop the ball with her face. Good luck with that strategy, Olivia.
Now that everyone is familiar with the fundamentals, it’s time for the women to be split into teams and play each other, with the prize being a cocktail party with Ben. Of course the twins are on different teams. They dub this a “Twin-off.” Ladies, leave the jokes to me, please.
The teams are divided into the stars and the stripes. I would roll my eyes, but I don’t want to hurt myself. They of course end up in a sudden death tie. Rachel falls over and hurts her leg, and Olivia decides to somehow take advantage of Rachel’s injury, so Olivia’s team wins. In the midst of this we get a lot of jokes about handling balls and having balls fly at your face. And here I thought this was a family show about true love!
At the group date, everybody’s pretty fed up with Olivia. After she grabs Ben away, the women mock Olivia’s feet (big toes?) and breath. The Canadian, Jami, immediately goes to Olivia to blab, “they were talking about your…” Olivia begins to list the features she hates about herself: “My calves? My cankles?” “No, your feet.”
Olivia in her one-on-one says she does have ugly feet. Then she tells the Canadian blabbermouth Jami, “perfection is overrated.” Sure, whatever. Amber gets the rose, but Olivia’s still convinced Ben loves only her.
The next one-on-one date goes to Jubilee. A clearly nervous Jubilee is making things “Awco-taco,” per Jami, the morning of. Military Vet Jubilee is afraid of heights and isn’t thrilled by the helicopter that landed in the Bachelor mansion driveway to transport her and Ben to their date. She jokes, “Does anyone else want to go on my date?” and the girls are aghast. “It was, like, offensive,” Jami says.
Don’t worry, though, Jubilee gets in the helicopter. They go on their date to a health spa somehow not in Ventura County. Jubilee nearly throws up caviar and discloses her love of hot dogs.
There’s a hot tub, of course, because what is this show without hot tubs? Can there even be romance without a hot tub?
Jubilee and Ben are pretty charming together and she’s able to open up and tell him a lot about herself. At dinner, she reveals that she’s the sole surviving member of her biological family, and she deals with guilt over it. I mock Ben a lot, but he is beautifully kind to Jubilee in this situation. And, of course, he gives her a rose
The next morning the women are disappointed Jubilee is still there, even though the rest of them somehow convinced themselves that she was going home. They all talk about how terrible Jubilee is. “I know that Ben wants to have a wife that will be friends with all the other soccer moms,” says Lauren H. Coded racist dog whistles are clearly Lauren H.’s thing! In fact, a lot of the girls say weird coded things about not being able to see Ben with Jubilee, which I assume is because Jubilee is black and they are racists?
That night, Ben tells the cocktail party he’s sad because close friends of his from his hometown died in a plane crash. In a time that calls for being kind and understanding, Olivia pulls the somber Ben aside to talk about her cankles and GETS TEARY OVER IT. “My friends died,” “My family died,” “I HAVE CANKLES.” One of these things is not like the others, Olivia.
Ben complains that the various dramas he’s having to reassure the women over. Jubilee gives Ben a massage (his “favorite thing”) and tells him she understands what he’s going through. Of course the general niceness of this move is lost on the others, who are angry because Jubilee has a rose. Jami goes and busts up the massage. Amber tries to “talk” to Jubilee, Jubilee goes on about how women don’t like her and again has to be reassured by Ben, who considers himself responsible for the emotional well being of the women on the show, which is nice, but also definitely too much like sister wives.
Lace pulls Ben out of the cocktail party to tell him she “has a lot of work to do” on herself. Lace was definitely not given the kind of psychological screening she needed before wandering tearily into this situation. “Like my tattoo says, you can’t love yourself until you truly love yourself.” I WILL MISS YOU, LACE. Can’t wait to see her on Bachelor in Paradise!
Ben gives the girls the news that Lace has left. They all feign sorrow.
There’s still a rose ceremony! Sushanna, who we’ve mostly seen speaking only Russian, leaves. Go in peace! Jami ,who sold out the other girls to Olivia is also leaving, and in her disappointment she heads immediately into “oh poor me” mode and declares her intention to adopt cats. Sorry, Jami, I have cats and they HATE rats.
Olivia believes she is telepathically communicating with Ben. Cool! That seems completely logical, and not like it will lead to any sort of meltdown. See you next week, team!