I turned on the TV on Monday and watched Michelle Obama crush it at the DNC, which led into Elizabeth Warren hating on Trump, the thing she does so well, and Bernie telling his voters they need to support Hillary. Good work, Bernie, but if would could just finish up I’m trying to get to The Bachelorette… Finally, Bernie was done, and we reached the conclusion to our Bachelorette cliffhanger.
Luke told JoJo he loves her, but is it too late? Yes. Yes it is. JoJo gives the roses to Jordan, Robby, and Chet. I mean Chase. I’m just sitting at home wondering if JoJo is trying to pick the worst dudes here or what. Luke is also startled to be going home, even though this definitely means he is going to be the next Bachelor, and I AM HERE FOR IT. “I didn’t get the chance to love her,” Luke sighs. JoJo word salads about her choice as she walks him out, then there’s crying, so many heart-rending sobs. Getting rid of Luke might make sense if JoJo seemed even the slightest bit sure of herself/her decision, but she doesn’t. She’s already missing those abs, as am I.
Time to go to Thailand! Robby gets the first date. They get foot massages and wander around. Robby gives JoJo a note his dad wrote and slipped to him about how much Robby loves JoJo for some reason, and no one really believes this nonsense, do they? Whatever, Robby. “My dad wrote this love note for you” is some weird stuff even from a guy whose career is defined as “former champion swimmer.” He wants her to keep it. Me, I’d turn down your dad’s note about how in love we are, but ok. We hear more about the ex-girlfriend he supposedly dumped to be on the show. Robby and Jordan are both total snakes, JoJo! It’s fantasy suite time, and JoJo and Robby waste no time getting in there. The next morning JoJo practically skips out to her next date with Jordan. The time between “fantasy suite” dates has never been very clear, but it essentially looks like she leaves Robby in bed to go to Jordan for the next date, which is very “not a player, I just crush a lot” of you, JoJo.
JoJo and Jordan go on a hike to a temple. Thailand looks nice! Neither of them truly appreciate Thailand because they’re too busy making out. Priorities! Jordan has some whole weird fixation on talking to JoJo’s dad about marrying her. JoJo is aware that Jordan mostly wants to become famous and asks him about how serious he is and how ready he is to settle down. Settle down with a TV contract, maybe? They go to the fantasy suite.
JoJo and Chase/Chet go on their date. It’s fine, none of it matters, before they are about to go to the fantasy suite Robby just “drops by” JoJo’s room and they make out, and then as she and Chase/Chet are IN the fantasy suite and Chase does the requisite declaration of love JoJo just says “nah, not feeling it” and dumps him. Right there. In the fantasy suite. This is no one’s fantasy, JoJo! That is some ice cold stone-hearted nonsense, and I’d be much happier about it if she hadn’t sent Luke home and it didn’t mean that Snake Robby and Snake Jordan are final two. But seriously, Chase/Chet needed to go home long before now, and hopefully he gets some therapy for his trust issues because I think they’re about to get a lot worse. Chase validates JoJo’s choice by getting mean about it. Bye, Chet, no one knows who you are.
They still have to go through a rose ceremony or whatever, Chet shows up again to apologize for getting mean, JoJo’s final two are Jordan and Robby. Ugh. Next week they get to go through the gauntlet of JoJo’s brothers, but only one will become America’s Next Top Fiance.
Night 2! Also delayed by the DNC. Would love to see a breakdown of the political affiliations of hardcore Bachelor Nation watchers. I imagine it’s 60% women who voted for Romney, 25% people who can’t figure out how to change the channel, and 15% disaffected Millennials recapping the show for independent websites. (Guilty.) My recap of the men tell-all is going to be pretty short because honestly I hate everyone except Luke, and/or can’t tell them all apart. The guys get pissed a bit at Alex and yell at him at once, but the important appearance is made by Chad, who gets escorted in by security like a Jerry Springer contestant, talks a bit about how the other dudes are the worst, doesn’t fall for Harrison trying to imply his recently-deceased mom wouldn’t appreciate him being a reality TV jerk, and basically Chads all over the place. Chad is entertaining, ish, and I imagine if this country elects Donald Trump to be president, he will be given a cabinet post–secretary of the protein shake, or something of the sort.
The problem with casting this many bland white dudes, however, is that there really is no there there when it comes to Men Tell All. They all like JoJo. They didn’t all like each other. They have no unique insights on this process, because it is stupid, and the show has done it a billion times. Also, there’s bloopers. Who cares. The monkeys of Thailand are making far better television than The Bachelorette, at this point.
JoJo comes out and faces the men she disposed of. Luke gets to hear a bit more about JoJo’s reasoning for destroying his heart. Chase gets to hear why JoJo decided not to sleep with him before dumping him. James Taylor gets all emotional about how great JoJo was. “You really did it for all of us.” Thanks James, I guess? Chad tells her he’s sorry she picked cheating Robby and fame-obsessed Jordan. JoJo rolls her eyes. The guys give JoJo a standing ovation for her refusal to engage Chad.
Vinny, who I remember vaguely, has cut his hair so he looks like all the other dudes now. VINNY’S MOM IS THERE TO CALL OUT JOJO. This is the kind of drama I could get behind, but she doesn’t do much, just says JoJo should have given Vinny more of a chance. Well, sure, all the dudes and their moms feel that way about the show, that’s kind of the whole point.
Anyway, the most important thing here is that Bachelor in Paradise looks like a genuine disaster, and Chad and Lace hook up, so that’s going to be awful. Can’t wait. The finale for the boring Bachelorette airs Monday, and there will probably be an engagement to a snake-man. Stay tuned.