Feeling regret for never having made it to France? For not bungee jumping off that cliff? For not just grabbing him/her/them and kissing ‘em already? Just sit back and relax, you have nothing to feel bad for, it’s all Mercury’s doing.
INYF, Aries. Ahhh, Aries in love. More correctly, Aries being a spoiled demanding princess who found someone to lick their feet and cower at their psychotic erratic emotions. You can be exciting and passionate for about 2 seconds, then you’re just tiring. Cue the violins, you found yourself a temporary toe-sucker for the next few weeks. Don’t worry, though, they’ll get bored with you soon.
INYF, Taurus. I’ve said it before, Taurus folks are the most mundane and boring folks on earth. On the darker, more threatening side of Taurus, you make great cult leaders. You’re obstinate to the point of stupidity, charismatic, and always in control. Smoke enough weed with Mario Kart and Doritos, and anyone becomes your brainwashed little cow.
INYF, Gemini. You’ve ruined photographs by not exposing them long enough. Your bread is doughy, your crosswords partially done. You would be able to knit if it meant that you could pick out the yarn and *shazam* a scarf! Your hell is waiting for anything, and as a result you’re really good at starting things but shit at finishing them. This week, just accomplish one thing. One.
INYF, Cancer. You’re a bad japanese monster-flick: according to legend, you were charged with guarding sea nymphs, which you did by holding onto them so tightly some ran away. You sent a giant evil squid to fetch them (he ate them), whereupon you battled him to the death and had to live in severe pain as a result of the wounds. Cursed by possessiveness and in pain. Metaphor.
INYF, Leo. You would wear Kanye West’s APC T shirt with ratty thrift store underwear hiding underneath. You fill your Saratoga Springs water bottle with tap from the bathroom. Your bank account is always hovering at zero, because any money you get is instantly blown on stupid shit, and then desperately maintained. You need a sugar mommy/daddy.
INYF, Virgo. You have a reputation of organization and cleanliness, but it’s more compulsion and control than a positive, zen feeling. Thank god you’re too grossed out by the concept of coffee enemas to actually do them. There wouldn’t be a speck of dirt or misplaced receipt on the planet if you could find a clean and innocent form of speed.
INYF, Libra. You want to know why you suck so much at relationships? You’re never not in one (or three). You are so uncomfortable with yourself that you take anything that comes along just to not have to suffer putting up with yourself alone. You aren’t real unless someone is reflecting back at you. Want to heal that hurting heart? Get a studio apartment and keep yourself company for a while.
INYF, Scorpio. You proclaim your vegan-ness around others but pick up whoppers for the drive home. You bike to work but take a Hummer out for fun drives on the weekend. You’re a fraud. But you mean well, right? Yes, yes, your blatant lies are totally understandable and forgivable. As long as you don’t get caught.
INYF, Sagittarius. If you’re given five dollars, you spend three on water weenies and two you lose to the guy who “just needed bus fare”. Smart, yes. Gullible, more yes. Your ignorant trust has bitten you more than once. Beware of french-speaking huge wooden rabbits at your door this week. Call a Taurus or Aquarius if you’re feeling suspicious.
INYF, Capricorn. Of all of the signs, you are the most likely to delete your Netflix account only to avoid having other people know what lurks in your queue. I wouldn’t put it past you getting a PO box just for your sex swings and OK! Magazine subscription. The only person that cares about this is you– you would gossip about yourself incessantly to your neighbors, what a horrible, inappropriate weirdo you are, if it wasn’t you, of course.
INYF, Aquarius. I got too busy this week watching bird videos to bother with your horoscope. Go tell some people you know everything: correct the carpenter on how he picks up a hammer (even though you don’t even own one), notify the check-out girl that she would go faster by grabbing your items overhand, and proclaim your atheism at a baptism in a Catholic church. It’s what you would do anyway.
INYF, Pisces. Here’s a challenge for you: get a hobby, but don’t meditate on it first. Don’t throw your request out to the universe for guidance. And don’t find the one hobby (Carving ivory? Growing Psilocybin Mushrooms?) that is impossible or dangerous. Don Quixote was a lonely asshole chasing windmills. Don’t be a Don Quixote.
Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer. firstname.lastname@example.org