Best intentions make the best excuses. You wanted to grow a garden this year, so the fact that you killed all your plants because you forgot they need water doesn’t matter. You were trying to be a good person! Forget the messy part, you meant well.
INYF, Aries. I know you see yourself as a super woman doctor ninja rockstar fashion guru, complete with slow motion effects for your sultry looks. You think you deserve a following, a personal music soundtrack, because everything you do is just that damn good. Sorry not sorry to tell you: your soundtrack is Frente covers of Yaz, and the closest you will ever be to a ninja is your gross two-toed mutant feet.
INYF, Taurus. I would liken your upcoming week to an automated reading of Dan Simmons’ Hyperion. Want to take all of the fun out of prose? Have it read by Stephen Hawking. You might even put yourself to sleep with your banal banter. Go steal the caffeine from a Leo if you want to have any fun (and save your Leo friend in the process).
INYF, Gemini. On or off, happy or sad. People so often write you off with extreme duality, you’re one or the other, just a pong game of extremes. But you’re also a third thing: undecided. When you’re not happy enough to be HAPPY, you’re an emotionless piece of cardboard. In fact, the majority of your life is spent in the horrible inbetween, void and boring. This week is full of voidy Geminis.
INYF, Cancer. Often praised for your creativity and emotionality, people overlook one of your funnest (and most annoying) traits: you are one of the most spontaneous folks around, from impromptu dinners to mini-trips, you are an artist with the non-plan. However, this is also what drives you to stalk your lovers, to appear needy and weird to casual friends, and like a moody lunatic to the general public. Spontaneous, yes; sense of timing/boundaries, no.
INYF, Leo. Paranoia looks bad on most people, but on you it looks downright desperate. The flip side to any sense of power is the weak fearful little underbelly of the real person underneath the royal robes. At its worst, you are the kleenex box wearing Howard Hughes, a Titus feeding the dead to unsuspecting rivals. Stop drinking so much coffee, take some valerian root, find a good source of Xanax, I see you poised for a major blow up if you don’t.
INYF, Virgo. Your favorite artist is Mondrian, and when you endeavor to creativity, it’s paint by numbers or counted cross stitch. Even the most disorganized, chaotic venture into the art world is molded to 4/4 time under your hand. Even daisies have petals that are different sizes- this adherence to bilateral symmetry is stifling. I challenge you to transform yourself this week and create something imperfect.
INYF, Libra. Some of the greatest adventures in life take place in the every day. I’m not talking plastic bag dancing bullshit, I’m referencing how one can find a pearl in an oyster or a worm in an apple kinda thing. Doing laundry, you will find a love note from someone you haven’t thought about in years. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Depends on whether you continue to let your lazy jerk side drive you this week.
INYF, Scorpio. You could use a little cream in your coffee, a little sugar on your cornflakes. I want you to spend some time adding some richness and enjoyment to your life that doesn’t come at the expense of those around you. Not every reward comes with a sneer while you turn the knife. Go pet some kittens and give your friends some time to lick their wounds.
INYF, Sagittarius. Depending on who you ask, “hippie” elicits different responses: environmental, boundary-breaking, peace-loving, free and unbound philosophers, OR stinky, lazy, anti-establishment, druggie, new-age atheist shits who need a kick in the ass. Which one of these are you? Because you’re one of these two. Put down the patchouli and find a real cause you believe in.
INYF, Capricorn. I realize that I’m rather hard on you and your fake tupperware life. Not all of that is a bad thing, though. In your need to present the ideal everything, you sometimes reach that ideal. You want to be seen as the best mother, so you lavish love over your kids and make Martha Stewart meals. The best husband, you take on household chores while being a bread winner. In public. If your life was on display 24/7, you could actually be a good person.
INYF, Aquarius. A truly sad aquarian is a rare thing. Depressed, listless, downtrodden, no problem. But real, weepy sadness is normally something you scoff at, because you really don’t understand it. As robots go, you’re the most dangerous kind; one that feels just enough to think you understand the human condition, but not enough to truly be human. This week might just be your blue-fairy-real-boy week, if you open up a bit.
INYF, Pisces. It’s no surprise that the fish-face of the zodiac tells the best fish tales. That time when you “saved the drowning kid”, diving in before everyone else? We know you just pointed it out the lifeguard. There is a danger in your nostalgia, a rewriting of history here that is totally unbelievable. Listen to the dose of reality, those are your true friends, not the ones that pile onto your bah-low-nee.
Think everything I say is bullshit? Me too! Want me to predict your future? Talk me up or tell me off: Laura Connor, your bitter astrologer. firstname.lastname@example.org