The third film in the Mega Shark series seemed fitting for the third film in our Shark Month series. Also, it was the only one on Netflix streaming. (Maybe one day we’ll be able to watch Mega Shark v. Crocosaurus or Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus.)
Tonight’s film, Mega Shark v. Mecha Shark, stars Christopher Judge of Stargate SG-1, Elisabeth Röhm of Law and Order, and Debbie Gibson of the 80s. It involves a megalodon battling a giant submarine meant to look like a megalodon. We’re certain the U.S. military is in the works developing that as we’re writing this, because if anything is under-defended, it’s the deep deep ocean. And Texas. (Too soon?) It seems as though Mega Shark is looking for some mega lovin’ in this “monster versus machine” movie. We hope this turns into Mega Shark + Mecha Shark = Mako Shark (makeout shark?), because that would be awesome. (Awwwww, they’re not fighting in the poster: they’re going in for a kiss!) Please join in the commentary!
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Mega Shark v. Mecha Shark on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.
Tonight’s Host Bloggers
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.
Bomb_Voyage: Tonight I'm drinking SHARK'S BLOOD a/k/a box wine. Because I'm classy like that.
Bomb_Voyage: Also because I don't think you can legitimately watch a film by The Asylum and drink anything classier than box wine.
Bomberella: I'm drinking the Bitter Bite in my Bitter Empire glass (see above).
Bomberella: Because I'm not above shameless plugs.
Bomberella: Some idiot is standing on top of a piece of construction equipment for his smoke break.
Bomberella: He is not a construction worker.
Bomberella: This will probably not end well.
Bomberella: Okay, everyone ready?
Bomberella: Push play….Now!
Hookom: is that a Zachary Quinto stand in?
Bomberella: Do you know what Zachary Quinto looks like?
Bomb_Voyage: I've got no idea.
Bomberella: Okay, not the first guy. Yes, he does look like Zachary Quinto fan fiction.
Bomberella: Are they riding around in an iceberg?
Bomb_Voyage: I love how the screenwriter(s) for The Asylum are always trying to work in some deep quotations.
Bomb_Voyage: I think they're towing it.
Bomb_Voyage: And now Megalodon is escaping, I assume.
Bomb_Voyage: It's very energetic for an until-a-moment-ago-frozen shark.
Bomberella: I also love how the special effects are fake.
Bomb_Voyage: "The Atlantic Ocean was on lockdown …"
Bomberella: He's probably trying to get his internal temperature up.
Bomb_Voyage: How the fuck do you put an ocean on lockdown?
Bomberella: Didn't they just put a big net around it?
Bomberella: I love that travel by air is also put on hold.
Bomberella: "It looks like a shark but it certainly doesn't handle like one." How does a shark handle?
Bomb_Voyage: I totally approve of creating massive AI sharkmarines to fight with massive organic prehistoric sharks, but it does seem like the most complicated possible solution.
Bomberella: I love how she can pilot a sub and nag at the same time.
Bomberella: It's also the coolest possible solution.
Bomb_Voyage: What would a Megalodon eat, supposing it came to life all of a sudden?
Bomberella: Anything it damn well pleased, I'd guess.
Bomberella: Whales. Other sharks. A ship.
Bomberella: The entire country of Japan. The floating garbage.
Bomb_Voyage: How is a submarine the size of that shark going to be piloted by one person?
Bomberella: A bus. The Chunnel. New Zealand.
Bomb_Voyage: Normal nuclear subs are that big and have hundreds of crew.
Bomberella: That was to the previous question.
Bomberella: I'm pretty sure this is as well.
Bomb_Voyage: Wait is his name Dr. Dre?
Bomberella: I'm guessing she has a crew.
Bomberella: I think it's Dr. Grey.
Bomberella: And she's Dr. Turner.
Bomberella: Which is awesome.
Bomb_Voyage: I guess she has a robot. Maybe that's all you need.
Bomberella: That's my dating philosophy. Wait…
Currently, most experts acknowledge that C. megalodon reached a total length of more than 16 metres (52 ft).
Bomberella: "Our biggest fear was getting a ticket from the Coast Guard." Yeah…
Bomb_Voyage: The one in this movie seems sliiightly larger.
Bomberella: Just slightly.
Bomberella: "We have tons of technology on our side. I mean, I don't. I don't even have power windows, and this camera man has an old-school recorder, but someone somewhere should be able to just zap this sucker."
Bomberella: "You could pilot a Rubiks cube…" What?
Bomberella: I know Elisabeth Rohm was the worst Law & Order ADA, but she could be mistaken for a robot in this.
Bomberella: Also, no one is believing those nails.
Bomb_Voyage: What does piloting a Rubiks Cube entail, exactly?
Bomberella: A lot of flipping.
Bomb_Voyage: "I don't think it's going to go anywhere without a mate."
Bomb_Voyage: So they're going to try to get Mega Shark to hook up with Mecha Shark?
Bomberella: That's what I'm hoping. But I don't think Rosie knows that.
Bomb_Voyage: I didn't realize it was that kind of movie.
Bomberella: Shark porn!
Bomberella: "Your hair blowing in the wind. Sunshine on your skin." That's just summer, dummy.
Bomberella: If only that pesky admiral didn't keep barging in on their marital bliss.
Bomb_Voyage: Wait, why would they call the Shark OS Nero?
Bomb_Voyage: Nero was an insane Roman emperor.
Bomb_Voyage: Did someone misspell Nemo, which would totally make sense in this context?
Bomb_Voyage: So she can video chat with her husband/boyfriend on the surface, but she can't get a visual on the shark?
Bomb_Voyage: Megalodon is not impressed with your puny torpedos!
Bomberella: All I need to do is rip it out of one sub and introduce it to the other. "Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on?"
Hookom: i'm way behind, what minute?
Bomberella: You can skip minutes 20-25.
Bomberella: And welcome!
Hookom: sweet laurence fishburn is in the move too
Bomb_Voyage: Totally looks like him, doesn't it?
Bomberella: That's Christopher Judge…
Bomb_Voyage: So Rosie is a drunk?
Hookom: is the vodka like the vodka in leviathan?
Bomberella: I'm sure.
Bomb_Voyage: And Dr. Dre can't quit cheroots.
Bomberella: You'd have to drink to get into a giant shark and be bait for a different giant shark.
Hookom: step one in an emergency, moan loudly and climb ladders
Bomberella: And have one of those aooooga alarms.
Bomb_Voyage: Then take your shirt off, don a greasy tank top, and turn something with a wrench.
Bomberella: Oh man, he ruined an oil rig?
Hookom: sub floats on top of the water?
Bomberella: Megalodon, you've hit us where it hurts.
Bomb_Voyage: Pretty sure Nero turns on humanity.
Hookom: google glass powers subs?
Bomberella: Google glass does everything.
Bomb_Voyage: So that's what they were doing.
Bomberella: I really wish this OS sounded like Kit from Knight Rider. It's close.
Bomberella: But not close enough.
Hookom: water affects the sub systems?
Bomb_Voyage: Oh totally. My software gets compressed and slows down all the time.
Hookom: it smells horrible though
Bomberella: Leave it to the techy to question the OS abilities of this movie.
Bomberella: Oh, she's Dr. Grey.
Bomb_Voyage: "Time to go to work, Dr. Dre."
Bomberella: That's less cool.
Bomb_Voyage: It's also less cool if it's not Dr. Dre.
Hookom: the shark did not acknowledge the chum fart
Bomberella: that was his pheremones.
Bomberella: That's why she's following it now.
Hookom: bp is in charge
Bomb_Voyage: Clearly the worst thing here is the oil leak.
Hookom: no, because bp is in charge
Bomberella: "There's no shut off valve?" -Everyone who has heard of an oil spill
Hookom: sir, why are you talking into the google glass ear piece?
Bomb_Voyage: Why don't they just put a torpedo in the hole.
Bomberella: That sounds really dirty
Bomb_Voyage: Don't bombs fix everything?
Bomberella: Well, according to us they do.
Bomb_Voyage: Oh right.
Hookom: isn't the computer voice mr. feeny from boy meets world?
Bomb_Voyage: Apparently it's this guy: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm…
Hookom: 38k feet and well within range of b-movie physics
Bomb_Voyage: Wait, the sharks are airborne?
Bomb_Voyage: That was dumb.
Bomb_Voyage: Super dumb.
Bomb_Voyage: The dumbest.
Bomberella: Mr. Feeny (aka William Daniels) also voiced KITT on Knight Rider.
Bomberella: So, @Hookom, we're on the same page.
Bomb_Voyage: HOLD THE PHONE
Bomberella: And yes, @Bomb_Voyage, that was the dumbest.
Bomb_Voyage: The hot scientist who had a cameo was Debbie Gibson.
Hookom: is he having a stroke?
Bomberella: You didn't know that was Debbie Gibson? I put it in the main part of the post.
Bomb_Voyage: I did not.
Bomberella: I love how the Megalodon can just bat the torpedo away like a soccer ball.
Bomb_Voyage: I mean I saw that she was in this movie, but I did't recognize her.
Hookom: different alarm than the oil rig
Hookom: military grade
Bomberella: More serious.
Bomberella: I'm not going to lie, I'd pay attention to that one more than the aooooga one.
Hookom: torpedo blew up a battleship, but the aircraft carrier is on fire, did i miss something?
Bomberella: B-movie physics class.
Bomberella: Why does Nero keep saying "I have the stick"? NO one cares.
Hookom: when does she stop and use her dry erase board behind her?
Bomberella: When the movie makers have obligatory "women in STEM" scense.
Hookom: he's always borderline crying, i think he had a stroke earlier
Bomberella: She's always borderline crying, too.
Bomberella: Considering she's supposed to be a badass and she's the one fighting the shark, they've made her indecisive and wussy.
Bomberella: Also WE'RE FAILING THE BECHDEL TEST.
Bomberella: Just wanted to let you know.
Bomberella: "I seem to be wedged, Jack. Also, I'm stealing your woman." – Nero
Bomb_Voyage: Sorry I was watching Debbie Gibson music videos.
Hookom: because we used all of our fuel rocketing out of the water
Hookom: wait, wtf, now the aircraft carrier is fine again
Bomberella: It was quick-extinguishing asphalt.
Bomb_Voyage: I want to see Megalodon slice the carrier in half with its fin.
Bomb_Voyage: Which could totally happen.
Hookom: the school of 'talking out of the side of your mouth' acting school
Hookom: wait, while squinting
Bomberella: I went on a terrible double date with a guy who talked out of the side of his mouth.
Bomberella: He was about a foot shorter than I was and Irish so I couldn't understand a word he said.
Bomb_Voyage: Nero is off the chain!
Bomberella: Good thing he was my friend's date.
Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella That sounds potentially hilarious.
Bomb_Voyage: So this is apparently the third Megalodon. How did they get rid of the other three?
Hookom: oh noes
Bomb_Voyage: Not with a massive robot shark submarine apparently.
Bomb_Voyage: Okay that was awesome.
Bomb_Voyage: Although I think the fin-slicing would have been better.
Hookom: random camouflage dude is falling
Bomberella: They didn't. They froze him in the last one.
Bomb_Voyage: Flopping the carrier in half doesn't have the same impact.
Hookom: call it
Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella Is this a sequel then?
Bomberella: Random camoflage dude went to the "flap your arms as you're falling in slow motion" school of acting.
Bomberella: And @Bomb_Voyage this is the third one, I think.
Bomberella: They froze him in the last one (hence the iceberg in the beginning of this one). Not sure what happened in the other one.
Bomb_Voyage: Dude. NEVER put the computer in charge of the weapon. Seriously, has nobody ever seen Terminator?
Hookom: what the hell just happened?
Bomb_Voyage: What the fuck is wrong with people.
Hookom: soda water
Bomb_Voyage: And what the hell is this montage?
Bomb_Voyage: How was she hurt, exactly?
Hookom: is she a zombie?
Hookom: she had gas
Bomberella: It's Rosie's backstory about losing her daughter, Olivia. Apparently not her daughter with Jack.
Bomberella: "I just was jostled!" – Rosie explaining her injury.
Bomb_Voyage: Like, did you ever wonder why there were explosions on the bridge of the Enterprise when the warp nacelle was targeted?
Hookom: i said the same thing when I passed out last weekend
Bomb_Voyage: Because otherwise they thought it would be boring.
Bomberella: Jostling means something different on the subway.
Bomb_Voyage: Apparently the "bridge" of Mecha Shark is the same thing.
Bomberella: "Deploying eel skin" is a line I'm going to try to use on my next bad date.
Bomberella: Because you know there's going to be a next one.
Bomb_Voyage: Take that, Megalodon. You don't have have eel skin, motherfucker.
Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella I think you just have to bring a taser with you.
Bomb_Voyage: Same thing, basically.
Hookom: that is not debbie gibson
Bomb_Voyage: Debbie Gibson again!
Bomberella: Yeah, that would be a good idea.
Bomberella: @Hookom, that is Debbie Gibson.
Hookom: don't mess with my childhood
Bomberella: Except in this she's a scientist in New Zealand.
Bomb_Voyage: How is she not wearing a Blossom hat?
Hookom: at least she's actually using one of those dry erase boards
Bomb_Voyage: We can build a massive mecha shark, but we can't email a picture of our fancy dry erase board.
Bomb_Voyage: Two million years ago Australia was part of Asia.
Hookom: baby megalodon teeth, not grown up teeth
Hookom: her lisp is annoying
Bomb_Voyage: Megalodon's road maps are probably way outdated.
Bomberella: It didn't bother you in the 80s.
Bomb_Voyage: In the 80s it made me fall in love with her.
Bomb_Voyage: That and the hats.
Bomberella: Debbie Gibson was in the first one.
Bomberella: With Lorenzo Lamas.
Bomberella: NO JOKE
Hookom: holy cow, is she a vampire?
Bomberella: No, she's just really pale.
Bomberella: I think.
Hookom: k freckles
Bomberella: Unfortunately, Mega Shark v. Giant Octopus is not on Netflix Streaming.
Hookom: why do you have RGB inputs into a video card?
Bomb_Voyage: Oh, they're doing the 2001: A Space Odyssey thing.
Bomberella: "Danger. Danger Will Robinson!"
Hookom: it's like saying i'm not used to pants
Hookom: he just sits there and looks at the same screen saver
Bomb_Voyage: What strange circuits.
Bomb_Voyage: My, what large transistors you have.
Bomberella: Remember when all cell phones had those big antennas? Oh the 90s.
Hookom: zach morris
Bomb_Voyage: They're not actually in a boat. They're in like an apartment room.
Hookom: there's a glitch in there somewhere, but this screen saver isn't telling me anything
Bomberella: Sweet. That means I can film a movie like this in my apartment.
Bomb_Voyage: "There's a glitch, but I don't have time to pull apart the motherboard and see what it is."
Bomberella: @Hookom "Have you tried turning it off and turning it back on?"
Bomb_Voyage: That is not the problem.
Hookom: 7/10 on that accent
Bomberella: "In order to be cautious we need to keep acting quickly." Isn't that "the shoot first, ask questions later" philosophy, which is the opposite of being cautious?
Hookom: she likes to play at the oil refinery
Hookom: the military oil refinery
Bomberella: she's on a military base. SHE'S THE ONLY CHILD
Bomb_Voyage: Apropos of nothing, this is me when sportsball: [image]
Bomb_Voyage: Megalodon is PISSED at the Sidney Opera House.
Bomb_Voyage: Fucking architecture.
Hookom: it's not as dramatic showing an empty share
Hookom: wine is kicking in
Bomberella: He's still hungry. All he had was a snack from the sub. It's not a full meal.
Bomb_Voyage: @Hookom Oh you're drinking shark blood, too?
Bomb_Voyage: Good choice.
Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella There's nothing like an opera house for a filling entre.
Hookom: i'm with the us navy, can't you tell by my tjmaxx blouse?
Bomb_Voyage: Australians say ma'am like mom.
Bomb_Voyage: It's very confusing.
Hookom: why is she smiling?
Bomb_Voyage: That's called smug.
Bomberella: That Mecha Shark is HUGE considering it only had Rosie in it.
Bomb_Voyage: Also Debbie Gibson is kind of excited to be in a movie.
Hookom: enclosed area like the pacific ocean
Hookom: have it mate with mr. feeny
Bomberella: Why has no one suggested that the Mecha Shark put on some lipstick and…put out…
Hookom: he's not even typing
Bomb_Voyage: See, I told you it was going to get it on with the Sharkmarine.
Hookom: is he afraid of interrupting the screen saver?
Bomberella: He's just pushing buttons.
Hookom: generals are trained to control mega sharks
Bomb_Voyage: Everybody knows that when a computer has crashed it's totally effective to push buttons really quickly.
Bomb_Voyage: The faster you type, the more powerful your hacking.
Hookom: my mom does the same thing when she loses at hearts
Hookom: no need for switch labels
Bomb_Voyage: Seriously I want those toggle switches on everything.
Hookom: the screensaver is still working fine
Bomb_Voyage: I'm going to buy those for all the light switches in my house so it feels like you're launching a missile every time you turn on a light.
Bomberella: That would be awesome.
Bomberella: "You with the United States Navy? Got ID?"
"No just this TJ Maxx henley my wife bought."
Bomb_Voyage: Buy now! http://www.amazon.com/Pilot…
Bomberella: Mecha Shark beached!
Hookom: flair gun
Bomb_Voyage: Holy shit I'm going to buy a hundred of those.
Bomb_Voyage: Maybe I can get them all changed before my wife comes home.
Hookom: it's the office easy button
Hookom: the easy button didn't work
Hookom: stacy, the shark whisperer
Bomb_Voyage: OF COURSE Mecha Shark is also a tank.
Bomberella: And of COURSE AI went off the rails and is now targeting people.
Hookom: did they do any research on 'Nero' before naming their shark after it?
Bomb_Voyage: Review for that switch:
After installing a new missile bank on my harrier, I needed a safty toggle to keep from accidentally blowing my neighbors house up. Thankfully, Amazon was there. Perfect fit. Works just like you would expect it to.
Bomberella: They wanted to name it Brutus.
Bomberella: Also, I want that switch. For everything.
Hookom: why did they steal that kid?
Bomb_Voyage: No idea.
Hookom: nom nom nom nom nom
Bomb_Voyage: Guys I'm getting the idea that The Asylum owns a Hummer H2 and they really need to justify the payments as a business expense.
Bomb_Voyage: It's been in literally every movie.
Hookom: did he eat some bad cherries?
Bomberella: Yes. That was a quick PSA about washing your fruit.
Hookom: this is not going to turn out well
Bomb_Voyage: Debbie Gibson wants the sexing to happen.
Hookom: her lisp is throwing me
Bomb_Voyage: No seriously why is kid.
Bomberella: To connect with the weak backstory of Olivia, the kid who died.
Bomb_Voyage: Fat soldier running very quickly.
Hookom: we want you to run across the street… and look surprised while you are doing it
Bomberella: I love how the kid's mom just left. Like, where's my kid? NBD.
Bomb_Voyage: And they randomly found the kid's mom?
Bomb_Voyage: That was the most random thing.
Bomberella: The kid had a GPS in her.
Hookom: her trajectory was not correct
Bomb_Voyage: No it was not.
Hookom: what the hell is that chin shot?
Bomberella: She trained on Law & Order, guys. Cut her some slack.
Hookom: i'm navigating the milk crate compartment
Bomberella: Chum chute…that does not sound good.
Bomb_Voyage: That sounds gross.
Bomb_Voyage: Ooh, they got the Star Trek computer on loan.
Bomb_Voyage: For depth charges.
Hookom: does he say that when he uses the bathroom also?
Bomb_Voyage: It's not a movie unless someone picks up a motorcycle and drives it.
Bomberella: I hope soe.
Bomb_Voyage: @Hookom "Man up, Jack. Man up."
Hookom: this macy's parade sucks
Bomb_Voyage: He looks like he has never ridden a motorcycle before in his life and is actually terrified of it.
Bomb_Voyage: But unnecessarily jumped over a car just because.
Bomberella: If I saw a giant metal shark tank –hey, I just got that–riding down the street I'd think it was Thanksgiving.
Bomb_Voyage: Shark tank. Oh man.
Bomb_Voyage: Good one.
Bomberella: "I am going to shoot you with my glock."
Bomb_Voyage: Crazy captain popping caps in the shark.
Hookom: this tunnel of milk crates is amazing
Bomberella: Meanwhile, back in the milk crates…
Bomb_Voyage: That's like every movie ever where someone shoots at an airplane with a pistol.
Bomberella: @Hookom Jinx!
Bomberella: I think that joke started with Indiana Jones.
Bomberella: And it should have stayed there.
Bomberella: Stage notes for Elisabeth Rohm: climb very affectedly through the tunnel of milk crates, then flop over into the water.
Bomb_Voyage: She's been in that tunnel for like 20 minutes now.
Bomberella: "Hey Blue Angels flying at the speed of light, don't shoot, don't shoot!"
Bomb_Voyage: Oh she's in the chum port now.
Hookom: randy quaid will fly into the sharks mouth and save the day
Bomberella: I hope so!
Hookom: oh, i forgot i just drove a giant mechanical shark
Bomberella: Either that or Roy Scheider will shoot it.
Hookom: silly me
Bomberella: More stage notes: flop around helplessly like you can't swim even though you could just stand up.
Bomb_Voyage: Now he's crawling through a milk crate tunnel?
Bomb_Voyage: What the fuck.
Hookom: jack i think this milk is spoiled
Bomberella: Flash drive saves the day!
Bomberella: to make the techy parts cooler, they need to narrate what's happening. Otherwise it's just typing.
Bomberella: Computer nerds to the rescue!
Bomb_Voyage: QUICK! Run away from the water!
Bomb_Voyage: Gross again.
Hookom: wait, where's stacy
Hookom: we need to drive her around some more
Bomb_Voyage: If Megalodon parts landed on me I would probably hold off on kissing anything nearby.
Hookom: she didn't have that giant welt on her head a minute ago did she?
Bomberella: Engelberg. What a terrible name for an admiral.
Bomberella: She didn't, but she got it from the flash drive.
Hookom: no, we need to make another movie
Hookom: this flash drive is the key
Bomb_Voyage: Wait now Nero fits on a shitty flash drive?
Bomberella: But first, we need to kiss in the megalodon guts.
Bomb_Voyage: I thought it took an entire day to install him on the motherboard?
Bomberella: It did. He's just slow.
Bomb_Voyage: With the circuits.
Hookom: what happened to debbie?
Hookom: she was zero help
Bomb_Voyage: That was stupid, but I totally enjoyed it.
Bomberella: She'll be back to tell us obvious stuff using a whiteboard in the next movie.
Bomberella: That was stupid. But it was really entertaining.
Bomb_Voyage: Quick! Fly across the world and look at my whiteboard.
Bomb_Voyage: I give it 3 stars.
Bomberella: I can't answer over the phone, I have to have you here!
Hookom: did she sing the song on the credits?
Bomb_Voyage: @Hookom You made it more entertaining. Thanks for watching with us!
Bomberella: @Hookom, it sounds kind of like her, but apparently it's a group called The Velvet Teaparty.
Bomberella: And yes, thanks for joining us! I give it 2.5 stars.
Bomberella: But it passed the Bechdel Test with the Rosie/Dr. Debbie Gibson scene. So that's cool. Unless we count Megalodon as a man, which I don't.
Bomberella: @Hookom, do you have a vote?
Bomberella: 1-5 stars
Bomberella: Nice. Well, that's a pretty solid 2.6666666667 for us.
Bomberella: Join us next week when we watch Sharknado 2: The Second One!
Hookom: major star power in that one
Bomberella: That's what I hear.
Bomberella: I'm excited.