Cinéma Atroce: Outcast

The last movie featured The Rock; this week’s movie features the star of the movie, The Rock. Coincidence? Yes. Although maybe we should call this “Rock-toberfest” or something. Anyway, this week’s movie, Outcast, might be better titled “Miscast.” RogerEbert.com reviewer Glenn Kenny was not a fan of Nicolas Cage’s performance, but he called Hayden Christensen’s performance “so lifeless you’re likely to start resenting George Lucas all over again, again,” and it was rated 6% on RottenTomatoes, where reviewer Jeffrey M. Anderson wrote, “The movie’s only attribute is that it’s so bad it might benefit from a Mystery Science Theater 3000-style drubbing.” Your wish is our command, Jeffrey!

The plot seems pretty simple: there’s a prince and his brother is after him, so he enlists the help of Hayden Christensen, who in turn turns to Nicolas Cage aka “The White Ghost” for help. But it’s set in 12th century China. Oh, and Nicolas Cage has a Scottish(-ish?) accent. We can’t wait! Please join in the commentary! 

Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself a cocktail, find a comfy spot on the couch, tune in to Outcast on Netflix, and pull up the livechat starting at 9pm CDT.

Jump right down to the livechat.

Tonight’s Movie

Tonight’s Host Bloggers

Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-chat at a time.

Tonight’s Cocktail

Bomberella: Mixing my drink…

Bomb_Voyage: Watching the trailer. So basically it's a Crusades-kung fu mashup in which Hayden Christensen has got David Beckham's haircut and Nicholas Cage does a shitty Scottish accent?

Bomb_Voyage: Fucking right on, man.

Bomb_Voyage: Message removed by author

Bomberella: Yep, that's basically the gist of the movie (and thanks for the instructions!)

Bomberella: The Miscast Outcast is…interesting. It's pink but I wouldn't consider it a girly drink.

Bomberella: There are a lot of competing flavors.

Bomberella: I think I used too much lime juice.

Bomb_Voyage: Okay, n00bs, here's how this works. Shortly after 9pm Central, @Bomberella will give the ol' ready-set-go. When she says "go" or "push play" or something similar, start the video!

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella You are not a measurer, are you?

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella I refuse to drink champagne drinks, so I'm drinking something I made up last night: vodka and Grand Marnier (because I have some lying around and want to use it up) mixed about 4:1 with a couple of frozen cherries, on the rocks.

Bomb_Voyage: It's pretty good.

Bomb_Voyage: I haven't given it a name yet, but I think Power Screwdriver might do it.

Bomberella: I am a measurer, I just went a little crazy because I just bought lime juice.

Bomberella: And I know you're not a champagne person (sorry) but I also know that you drink whatever, soo…I had some to use up. And had every other ingredient. But yours sounds better.

Bomberella: Do you think everyone is watching the debate?

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe.

Bomb_Voyage: But come on, everyone knows the action is on the GOP side.

Bomb_Voyage: The only excitement tonight is whether Biden shows up and how quickly Hillary copies Bernie's lefty policy positions.

Bomberella: It's true. All accounts show the Dem debate is actually discussing political issues. For the most part respectfully.

Bomberella: The Miscast Outcast looks and tastes like pink grapefruit juice but it doesn't contain any. Weird.

Bomberella: So for tonight's drinking game, we should take a drink every time Nic Cage loses his accent.

Bomb_Voyage: Deal!

Bomberella: Okay, well we should probably start this thing, huh?

Bomb_Voyage: Let's go!

Bomberella: Go ahead PUSH PLAY!

Bomb_Voyage: Bloody Anakin Skywalker!

Bomberella: We open with Hayden Christensen breathing heavily.

Bomb_Voyage: Seriously why does he have that haircut in medieval wherever that is? The Middle East I assume.

Bomberella: I was just going to say that I'm pretty sure none of the Crusaders had Jonas brothers' haircuts

Bomb_Voyage: Well this is pretty bloody.

Bomberella: What I would love to see sometime is people being as clumsy as they would actually be in these fights. Everyone has killer aim (pun intended) but I'm guessing most people would stumble and miss their shots a fair amount.

Bomb_Voyage: Seriously has nobody edited in a lightsaber for every one of his swordfighting scenes?

Bomberella: I'm sure there's a geek somewhere working on that right now.

Bomberella: I already hate listening to Nicolas Cage.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh that's him?

Bomberella: "No one goes east." -The man who coined "Go west, young man."

Bomb_Voyage: That does not count as a Scottish accent.

Bomb_Voyage: That doesn't actually count as any accent.

Bomberella: Right?

Bomberella: And his hair doesn't count as a ponytail.

Bomb_Voyage: I'm totally rooting for the Saracens.

Bomberella: It's like it's trying to be George Carlin's 'do but it's failing miserably.

Bomberella: Always root for the Saras.

Bomb_Voyage: Wait, they all have that stupid haircut.

Bomberella: Or Sarahs

Bomberella: David Beckham was big in the 12th century.

Bomb_Voyage: Take off Count Dooku's head!

Bomberella: That haircut was good for helmets.

Bomb_Voyage: I don't get it. Is Anakin the boss or something?

Bomberella: Less issues. Much cooler. And less likely to transmit lice.

Bomb_Voyage: I wasn't following their conversation.

Bomberella: I think he self-promoted.

Bomberella: He's a take-charge kind of guy.

Bomb_Voyage: No, Anakin! Anger leads to fear! Or something.

Bomberella: I wasn't listening either (seriously, Nic Cage!) but I think Nicolas Cage made a promise to Anakin's dad or something.

Bomb_Voyage: Nic Cage does look kind of Jedi-ish in this.

Bomb_Voyage: I'm sure it's tough to be typecast, but I don't think Hayden Christensen is going to have a career after Star Wars in the way Daniel Radcliffe is managing after Harry Potter.

Bomberella: If by Jedi-ish, you mean George Carlin-ish, I agree.

Bomberella: The balding ponytail and beard look is so in.

Bomberella: Who calls for the royal seal on their deathbed?

Bomb_Voyage: Kings always seem to wait until the last possible second to do anything useful about their legacy.

Bomberella: "I'm dying, so I'm just going to finish filling out this paperwork…oh, wait, I'm dead. Too late."

Bomb_Voyage: Right?

Bomberella: It's denial. "I'm a king, so I'm immortal. Wait, what? I'm not? Oh, crap! Better worry about my lineage…ack!"

Bomberella: Because kings turn into a Cathy comic strip when they're dying.

Bomb_Voyage: —Debate update: Bernie doesn't want to dwell on HIllary's email server. The Democrats are just so darn decent to one another.

Bomb_Voyage: @Bomberella I'm laughing so hard at Cathy comic strip.

Bomberella: My life is a Cathy comic strip.

Bomb_Voyage: Mmm, this drink is good. Vanilla vodka would have been awesome, though. Like a dreamsicle.

Bomberella: And no one wants to dwell on Hillary's email server. I feel like that's an issue someone's conspiracy theorist-grandparent jumped on top of. "Emails! It's like a message from your TV–in print!"

Bomberella: I mean, no one understands the interwebs.

Bomberella: Okay, so something's happening with the older son. The king-dad is dying. The younger son is about to take over. The older son has a knife out…and will probably speed up the process.

Bomb_Voyage: Portrayals of ancient Chinese courts have gotten so much cooler lately.

Bomb_Voyage: So much jade.

loved."

Bomb_Voyage: So much intrigue.

Bomberella: King just looked at older son (after he stabbed him) like, "I was already dying, son!"

Bomb_Voyage: "Heaven is closed to me because of all the things I've done for you."

Bomb_Voyage: That's a pretty good line.

Bomberella: That is a pretty good line.

TheQueenOfMpls: Sorry, late to the game. Lost track of time. Just started the movie. Lots of blood and mentions of God

Bomb_Voyage: @TheQueenOfMpls Welcome back!

TheQueenOfMpls: HEyo!

Bomberella: Welcome, @TheQueenOfMpls!

Bomb_Voyage: We're at about 18:00.

Bomberella: Aside from a giant battle, it's been kind of a slow movie.

TheQueenOfMpls: Fast forwarded about 5 minutes and still not much has happened.

Bomberella: The Miscast Outcast is growing on me. It's kind of refreshing.

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh, His father's dead.

Bomb_Voyage: You could skip ahead. The only plot point from the opening battle as far as I can tell is that Nic Cage is angry with Anakin Skywalker for some reason.

TheQueenOfMpls: Probably for being younger and better looking than him.

Bomb_Voyage: Then we go to China where the dying king gives his seal to his younger, gentler son and his older, meaner son kills him.

Bomb_Voyage: @TheQueenOfMpls I have a mental block that doesn't allow me to consider Hayden Christensen good-looking.

Bomberella: CSI: The Crusades was really boring. Everyone just took people's word on who committed crimes. "The king's dead. Murdered by Prince Zhao." "Oh, okay. Case closed."

Bomb_Voyage: No such thing as cold cases, at least.

Bomberella: I guess. Lot of innocent people being accused of crimes, though.

TheQueenOfMpls: I didn't say great looking.

Bomb_Voyage: Is anyone really innocent … ?

Bomberella: I am.

TheQueenOfMpls: I fastforwarded to China? Why are we in CHina?

Bomb_Voyage: @TheQueenOfMpls It's unclear.

Bomberella: It's the Crusades?

Bomberella: They got lost?

Bomberella: Nic Cage said "go east" and Hayden Christensen said "No one goes east." and then we went east.

Bomb_Voyage: Best guess is Anakin Skywalker wound up drunk in China somehow and is going to become the protector of the young king.

TheQueenOfMpls: Cue Mulan music!

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, considering that's in the synopsis, I'd say you're correct.

Bomberella: And @Bomb_Voyage you have to see that Hayden Christensen is better looking than Nic Cage.

Bomb_Voyage: Annie!

Bomberella: I love the drunk eye camera work.

Bomb_Voyage: I guess he learned Chinese?

TheQueenOfMpls: Fast fowarding some more…

Bomb_Voyage: Or they speak English?

Bomberella: Ewwwwwww they peed on him.

TheQueenOfMpls: Dammit! I miss all porn parts!

Bomb_Voyage: LOL

Bomb_Voyage: 2 knights 1 cup.

TheQueenOfMpls: She's escaping and talk to some kids with a bad wig.

Bomb_Voyage: Anakin Skywalker is basically still a Jedi when he's flying high on opium.

TheQueenOfMpls: Like really bad wig.

Bomberella: You should start calling him Anachron-in, because of that haircut. Heyo!

Bomberella: "Guys, I'd help you, but I'm really high right now. I just wanted my sword back."

Bomb_Voyage: Ugh, this is so slow. Why is Anakin here, again?

Bomberella: He's the draw.

Bomberella: He'll bring Nic Cage back. And he brings the ladies to the movie theater.

Bomb_Voyage: Did he just walk out of that town and head straight for China or something?

Bomb_Voyage: So confused.

TheQueenOfMpls: Anakin's drunk again!

TheQueenOfMpls: They

Bomberella: But he's only good at brooding and staring off into the distance, so that's what they had to have him do.

TheQueenOfMpls: Saw the pee part.

Bomberella: I'm so glad for you.

Bomb_Voyage: @TheQueenOfMpls You're hitting the highlights and catching up fast!

Bomb_Voyage: We're at 30:00.

TheQueenOfMpls: I'm fast forwarding a lot. Not hard when the movie is bad.

TheQueenOfMpls: There.

TheQueenOfMpls: They are coming up to some smoke on the horizon.

Bomberella: "Why did you come back?"
"I could have gone on a quest for the Holy Grail, but I found some opium, so….now I'm your guide. But it's cool. I might form a band with some buddies. And I'm working on my spinning skills. Got some gigs. You know."

TheQueenOfMpls: and the village is burning and of course, being a woman, he told her to wait and she didn't. Women, (smh)

Bomberella: ^Always have to take care of other people.

Bomb_Voyage: Little king you are terrible with a bow and arrow.

TheQueenOfMpls: How is that possible?

Bomberella: And actually it was the son who didn't really wait. Shooting off his bow and arrow.

TheQueenOfMpls: Hollywood, Kid. Fuckin' Hollywood makin' the white man look great!

Bomberella: He's a peacekeeper. That was established in the part you fastforwarded.

Bomberella: That woman in white could not be more conspicuous.

TheQueenOfMpls: Dammit, I… ugh. I can't go back , guys.

TheQueenOfMpls: I can't go back.

TheQueenOfMpls: He looks like a terra cotta warrior.

Bomb_Voyage: Why didn't they take the extra horse?

Bomberella: Because they need to make things hard.

Bomberella: "There can be no ceremonies without the seal." Yeah, my mom tried that with one of her stamps and we just made do with a different one. NBD.

Bomb_Voyage: That general is a badass.

Bomb_Voyage: Although I guess what's the point in showing fear when the guy in front of you could stab you and nobody would care.

Bomberella: I'm sure his mom would care.

Bomberella: Ugh this is so slow.

Bomberella: And the dialogue suuuuuuucks.

Bomb_Voyage: It must be weird to live in a feudal society where the guy above you can kill you for basically any reason.

Bomberella: "We'll make camp here."

Bomb_Voyage: Would you just not give a shit about your life?

Bomberella: That happens here. Just not overtly.

Bomb_Voyage: Yeah, but I guess it doesn't feel so arbitrary. Maybe it doesn't feel arbitrary to live in a feudal society, either. You tell yourself what you need to.

Bomb_Voyage: Nobody tried to take Sherlock's smack away from him.

Bomberella: "Do you know what it's like being a woman in this world?" No. No he doesn't.

Bomberella: Although he kind of just gave her the "Heavy lies the head that bears the crown" line.

Bomb_Voyage: My drink feels about as strong as that opium.

Bomberella: Mine too.

Bomb_Voyage: Usually it's the white guy trying to learn kung fu.

Bomberella: Cue bow and arrow/travel montage wherein the younger son gets better and they grow more weary.

Bomberella: Zhao just called Hayden Christensen a "white devil."

Bomb_Voyage: Now I want to learn to shoot a bow.

Bomb_Voyage: Although it wouldn't be much use in the zombie apocalypse I suppose.

Bomberella: I'm sure you'd find some use for it.

Bomberella: How long before Hayden and the sister get together, do you think?

TheQueenOfMpls: I'm bored.

Bomberella: ^Me too.

TheQueenOfMpls: How fucking far did they travel?!? WTH?? Aere they in Egypt? I'm so GD confused!

Bomb_Voyage: Bored!

Bomb_Voyage: @TheQueenOfMpls China is huge, yo.

TheQueenOfMpls: Out of the cart! Don't mine the Asians. Not the prince and princess!

Bomb_Voyage: Don't you remember the part of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon where she hopped on a horse and wound up in the desert, then the steppes?

TheQueenOfMpls: Nope Nope Nope.

Bomberella: I don't either.

TheQueenOfMpls: Wait, wasn't that a good movie?

Bomberella: I remember a giant waterfall.

Bomberella: But that's it.

Bomberella: We watch good movies, too. Just not on a chat.

TheQueenOfMpls: What's with all these americans trying to talk like Brits?

Bomberella: No idea.

Bomberella: I read somewhere that Nicolas Cage is supposed to be Scottish.

TheQueenOfMpls: Lay off the Sake!

TheQueenOfMpls: @Bomberella LOL! Right, and with a full head of hair!

TheQueenOfMpls: Whores! Poisonous whores who won't pass the Bechdel test!

Bomb_Voyage: Um we passed it a while ago, actually.

Bomberella: Maybe he thinks the sake is really water.

Bomb_Voyage: The princess and the lady from the river both have names and talked to one another.

TheQueenOfMpls: FINE!

TheQueenOfMpls: I must have fastforwarded that part too'

TheQueenOfMpls: opps

TheQueenOfMpls: oooops

Bomberella: Technically she's right, though, @Bomb_Voyage. The harem didn't have names, nor did they talk to one another.

TheQueenOfMpls: BOOM!

Bomberella: And the caravan woman never spoke to the Princess.

Bomberella: Or the river woman.

Bomberella: So we passed, but we're not doing a stellar job.

TheQueenOfMpls: Why did he punch the fancy lady in the face?

Bomb_Voyage: Anakin is angry.

Bomberella: Because she drugged him.

Bomberella: That's the proper "you've slipped something in my drink" response.

Bomb_Voyage: I think he might just be really frustrated with his acting teacher.

TheQueenOfMpls: oh, ok. They hugged! Is that getting it on enough?

Bomberella: Sure!

Bomberella: I count that in real life.

TheQueenOfMpls: yeah, hugs, not relationships.

Bomb_Voyage: You'd think they would have found something less conspicuous for her to wear at some point.

TheQueenOfMpls: You think it would get dirty by npw.

Bomberella: I'm just amazed it's stayed so white.

Bomberella: Jinx.

TheQueenOfMpls: Kill him, i'm over it.

Bomberella: "Don't kill him yet. Ask him who his barber is."

TheQueenOfMpls: No helmut, duh! go for his head. This movie would be over.

Bomberella: No, yeah, kill him.

Bomb_Voyage: Throwing a knife at someone does not make them fall over.

TheQueenOfMpls: I feel like I'm watching a bad renaissance festival try to reenact. something. whatever.

Bomberella: His hairstylist put a clause in his contract that he couldn't wear a helmet because he needed to show off that ridiculous 'do.

Bomberella: "Missed it by that much."

Bomb_Voyage: Those boats look awkward to race in.

TheQueenOfMpls: How is her dress not getting snagged?!?

TheQueenOfMpls: Flying dragons!

Bomb_Voyage: I think those soldiers learned how to shoot from Anakin's storm troopers.

TheQueenOfMpls: Okay, this camera work is making me naseous.\

TheQueenOfMpls: Now we can all kill you.

Bomb_Voyage: Ooh, the secret society of kung fu archers showed up.

TheQueenOfMpls: Stay sober, Anakin! You can do it!

Bomb_Voyage: Oh but apparently they're just different bad guys.

Bomberella: Look pained at the camera. That's it.

TheQueenOfMpls: Your acting coach hasn't given up on you, yet!

Bomb_Voyage: No she has actually. Years ago.

Bomberella: Brood. Brood. Look morose.

Bomb_Voyage: She started drinking herself to sleep every night after he got the role of Anakin Skywalker.

Bomb_Voyage: As did a generation of wannabe actors.

Bomberella: Guys, he was good in Life as a House.

TheQueenOfMpls: Oooh, does he have appendicitis? Was that the deal the whole time?

Bomb_Voyage: Was he the house?

TheQueenOfMpls: Was he the wood that built the house?

TheQueenOfMpls: let him rot.

Bomb_Voyage: Oh Nic Cage mysteriously appeared.

Bomb_Voyage: Creepy.

Bomberella: No, he wasn't the house. Nor was he the wood. He was a brooding morose teenager…oh, wait.

Bomb_Voyage: Well there you go.

Bomberella: Why is Nic Cage squinting.

Bomberella: Did he lose an eye?

Bomberella: Does this count as him losing an accent?

TheQueenOfMpls: Or his sanity>

Bomb_Voyage: He's Popeye's long-lost brother.

TheQueenOfMpls: That movie made me sad

Bomberella: *long-lost less interesting brother.

Bomb_Voyage: Why does he have snakes all over him?

Bomberella: "No one calls me outlaw to my face!"
"How 'bout outcast?"

Bomberella: Wink

Bomberella: I think directors just like making Nicolas Cage do a wheezy laugh.

TheQueenOfMpls: I hate his accent! what the french toast is it supposed to be?

Bomberella: I read Scottish. I think it's just ishy.

Bomb_Voyage: Maybe he's doing comedy.

TheQueenOfMpls: Now I'm just an angry drunk. (so not acting)

TheQueenOfMpls: Jacob!

Bomb_Voyage: Wow, wannabe king is fucking ripped.

TheQueenOfMpls: Typical baby name from the 90s.

Bomberella: https://www.youtube.com/wat…

TheQueenOfMpls: Yeah, I don't mind looking at wannabe king.

Bomberella: I don't mind looking at Hayden Christensen. It's listening to him talk and watching him act that I mind.

TheQueenOfMpls: Yep.

TheQueenOfMpls: Nic Cage's stink eye's is getting annoying.

Bomb_Voyage: Even with his douchey mohawk?

Bomberella: I don't mind the bro-hawk.

Bomberella: It's better than the weird ponytail Nic Cage is rockin'

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh! Nic Cage looks like John Travolta's character from Battlefield Earth.

TheQueenOfMpls: That's what's bothering me.

Bomb_Voyage: Sometimes I get Nic Cage and John Travolta confused.

TheQueenOfMpls: and his bad acting.

TheQueenOfMpls: @Bomberella It's easy to do with the movie Face/Off

TheQueenOfMpls: HEYOOOOOOOOHHHHH!

TheQueenOfMpls: That would be a fun one to do.

Bomb_Voyage: Please no.

Bomberella: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!

TheQueenOfMpls: I mean @Bombvoyage

Bomberella: "I'm younger and healthier than you." Geez, rub it in, Princess.

TheQueenOfMpls: "looking for God in all the wrong places, Looking for God"

TheQueenOfMpls: GETTIN IT ON!

TheQueenOfMpls: and they cut it.

TheQueenOfMpls: whatever,

Bomberella: Definitely getting it on.

Bomberella: That only took an hour.

TheQueenOfMpls: I hate these shitty camera angles.

TheQueenOfMpls: Glen? Nic Cage's character's name is GLEN?!?

Bomb_Voyage: Right. Like why is Nic Cage's hair taking up a third of the frame?

Bomb_Voyage: You've got five minutes. Make grenades!

TheQueenOfMpls: I'm so disappointed in so much of this and now I want to fast forward through this next battle.

TheQueenOfMpls: Be careful. she says, we haven't had sex yet and this movie is only so long.

Bomb_Voyage: The battles are the only good parts.

Bomb_Voyage: Look at that sweet mace the guy in front has!

TheQueenOfMpls: Are they fighting sumo wrestlers?

TheQueenOfMpls: Where did the fat guys go?

TheQueenOfMpls: Saved by Nic Cage's pony tail.

TheQueenOfMpls: Or is it a man-bun?

Bomberella: It's kind of both.

TheQueenOfMpls: His mail order bride is better at killing them off than he is.

Bomb_Voyage: Obviously the guy with the giant mace has to smash something with it before he dies.

TheQueenOfMpls: Nah, not really.

Bomberella: I feel like this movie was a long boring conversation punctuated with a couple of gory battles.

TheQueenOfMpls: Mace man!

Bomb_Voyage: Now it's seizure camera time and I can't see anything.

TheQueenOfMpls: I hate the ringing in the ear. I get it. it was bomb. It hurt.

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh, she's dead. That sucks.

Bomb_Voyage: It's more like a man sprout.

Bomberella: Noooooooooooooooo! Nicolas Cage's wife!

Bomb_Voyage: A man broccoli, maybe?

Bomberella: This is why he fights.

Bomberella: Man sprout. I like htat.

Bomb_Voyage: Cauliflower?

Bomberella: Man fountain?

Bomb_Voyage: Nic Cage BEAST MODE

TheQueenOfMpls: Man sprout. the next big thing to hit Uptown

Bomb_Voyage: More like Nic Cage CHEESE MODE

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage LOL

TheQueenOfMpls: He's being turned into cottage cheese now.

Bomb_Voyage: Make sure you come at him one at a time. THAT'S AN ORDER

TheQueenOfMpls: Die, already.

Bomb_Voyage: Whatever you do DON'T overwhelm him with numbers!

TheQueenOfMpls: Numbers are HARD!

Bomb_Voyage: Come on, guys, take turns!

TheQueenOfMpls: Go to the light!

TheQueenOfMpls: It was that one!

Bomberella: Go to your wife!

TheQueenOfMpls: OOh, the 14 yr old is getting brave/stupid!

Bomberella: For as prominently-placed as Nicolas Cage is on the movie poster, he really wasn't in that much fo this movie.

Bomb_Voyage: Anakin's mohawk is looking pretty terrible.

TheQueenOfMpls: This would be so much easier if he just had his light sabers.

Bomb_Voyage: There's got to be an app for that.

TheQueenOfMpls: FINISH HIM!

Bomb_Voyage: He looks like he's wearing pajamas.

Bomberella: Light sabers make everything better.

Bomberella: Noooooooo! Arrows are cheating.

TheQueenOfMpls: Yeah, we weren't actually planning for a fair fight. Why are you so upset, Princess?

Bomb_Voyage: This swordfight is more like Episodes IV–VI than the lightning-fast swordfights from 1–3.

Bomb_Voyage: Which is kind of ironic since the original trilogy had medieval-style swordfights and the newer ones were all Eastern martial-artsy.

TheQueenOfMpls: Everyone kills because of sex. Or a promise of sex. Now she's dead and he will never get laid. (slow clap)

Bomb_Voyage: "I'll be alright. Just touch up my lip gloss."

TheQueenOfMpls: Oh, that was easy,

Bomberella: "This is beautiful, but I've gotta stab you."

TheQueenOfMpls: No one wants to usurp the 14 yr old? Oh, okay then.

Bomb_Voyage: Nah, because China.

Bomberella: Sometimes I think our country would be better-run if we put a kid in charge.

Bomb_Voyage: Don't worry, Anakin. You'll always have your mohawk!

TheQueenOfMpls: S, yes to Donald Trump?

Bomb_Voyage: And your pajamas.

TheQueenOfMpls: I could rule the world in pajamas.

Bomberella: I said child, not chimp.

Bomberella: I meant that about Donald Trump.

TheQueenOfMpls: Is it over? Oh good it's over?

Bomb_Voyage: My older daughter would be a badass president. She would make everyone happy and put everyone to work doing coloring projects.

Bomb_Voyage: And finger weaving.

TheQueenOfMpls: oh, yes. it's over.

Bomb_Voyage: The world would be a happy happy place.

TheQueenOfMpls: That was shit.

Bomberella: @Bomb_Voyage, that's what I would have done as a kid.

Bomberella: That was pretty terrible.

Bomberella: I don't know if I can give it more than 1 star.

TheQueenOfMpls: I am now being show ARN: Templar Knight.

Bomberella: There wasn't that much to make fun of, just a lot of badness.

Bomb_Voyage: She would hand out red tickets to anyone who was mean to anyone else. And they would feel pretty bad about themselves for disappointing her.

Bomb_Voyage: @TheQueenOfMpls Me too. I've been meaning to watch that!

Bomb_Voyage: And Day of the Siege, which looks properly terrible.

TheQueenOfMpls: ARN! The K-Niggit Tempeh.

Bomb_Voyage: I was going to give this 2 stars but then I couldn't figure out how to justify that second star. 1 star from me.

Bomberella: Is that what you want to watch next week? Arn: The Knight Templar?

Bomb_Voyage: I did kind of enjoy the battle scenes, but the plot was stupid as shit.

Bomberella: Or should we watch Tremors 5: Bloodlines?

Bomb_Voyage: Tremors.

Bomberella: Even the battle scenes bored me.

TheQueenOfMpls: Alright. I gotta go to bed. I say, 0 stars. I couldn't get into it and the acting was bad, the cinematography was horrible. Costuming stupid bad. It was so bad.

Bomb_Voyage: Good night!

Bomberella: So it was a .75 all around! Pretty dismal!