How do you follow a WolfCop? With Vikings, of course! Or, a whole Vikingdom. The Village Voice called this movie “Viking Dumb” and “a B-movie gone amok,” in their review of the movie, titled “Vikingdom Trembles With Great Dumb Joy.” We’re just hoping that’s true.
The premise (that we surmise from the trailer) is that a dead king, Eirick, is brought back to life in order to duel Thor, played by someone named Conan. (No, really.) Eirick kills him a baar (like Davey Crockett), gathers some vikings and a lady friend, and sets off on his journey to do battle with the god of thunder. The trailer promises hell-dragons, a pile of golden ladies, and enough kicking-while-sword-fighting action shots to make Chuck Norris wish he wielded a blade. (Roundhouses and rapiers? We’re in!) Underwater horses! Shirtless Eirick in snow! A really bad dye job! Oh, and apparently there’s another blood eclipse. Sheesh! We should watch out for those things.
Showtime is tonight, 9pm Central. Make yourself
a cocktail some mead, find yourself a comfy spot on the couch your bearskin rug, tune in to Vikingdom on Netflix, and pull up the liveblog starting at 9pm CDT.
Bomb Voyage and Bomberella as The Bomb Squad: Dismantling bad movies one live-blog at a time.
Tonight we will be drinking mead!
We don’t know how to make mead, but our friend Ben does. Because he’s secretly a viking. But you can make your own mead with honey, water, yeast, and about a month to let it ferment. Don’t have a month? You can also buy mead. There are actually a few stores in our area; for places you can buy mead, check out this website.
Because, Vikings. I like to think of this as Brooks Bollinger’s number, but it’s a generic #9 Vikings Jersey.
I didn’t find any mead, so I’m drinking a proper Manhattan like a hipster Viking.
“Yeah, I’m wearing horns on my helmet, but only ironically.”
Ben just arrived with the mead. Father of Thor! We’ll start the movie in 2.
Did someone say helmet?
Okay everyone. Push play…NOW!
I feel like we should be watching this on a Thursday. I mean, Thorsday.
Things do not look good from the get-go. The hero is “mortally wounded.”
But, James Coyne, the writer of this, is a stud.
“My story begins the day I died.” Really? Usually that’s when people’s story ends. What the hell were you doing with your life?
I have confidence that the hero is going to be okay.
Wait, Stonehenge is in the UK, not Norway.
Breaking: Thor was a redhead.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Don’t get bogged down in historical accuracy.
Also, Thor’s hair looks like a Raggedy Ann wig.
“Quick, close the door! That will stop them!”
“You’re letting all the heat out!”
Thor’s helmet is too big for him. But so are the others.
“I’m high on mead! I can jump over a wall! Raaaawoorowhrrh”
I am really confident the Vikings didn’t use Roman battle tactics. Or catapult people over walls.
I mean, I remember kids dyeing their hair with Kool-aid and having it turn out like that.
Look at that, Thor doesn’t know how to use a door.
That is the biggest Mjolnir I’ve ever seen.
Do you think the director asked Chris Hemsworth if he wanted this role?
And for some reason it makes lightsaber sounds.
It’s like Hagrid lost 100 pounds and got into some red dye #5
Seriously, look at this shit:
I do not want to be on the receiving end of that.
Apparently, the bears in Norway don’t have claws.
Somebody needs to teach Eirick about layering.
Frey: The God of Fancy Frocks. As Ben pointed out, “He’s bedazzled his hair.”
But they’re drinking mead! Skol!
14 minutes in: three references to mead.
Frey’s sister = Freya. She gave Eirick life after death. And she gave Frey her dress after she was done with it.
“Wind to your back, Viking.”
Freyr “rides the shining dwarf-made boar Gullinbursti and possesses the ship Skíðblaðnir which always has a favorable breeze and can be folded together and carried in a pouch when it is not being used.”
Ben is pointing out all the inaccuracies with this movie: It’s mid-guard, not mead-guard, and the city is Trondheim, not Trondenheim.
And now we’re in Ireland…who is the dialect coach in this movie?
“Damn you, put my dwarf back in his box!”
A Norse, a Norse! Vikingdom for a Norse!
“Put your weapons down.”
“Um, we didn’t draw them yet, but thanks for reminding us we have them.”
The Norse history and mythology here is accurate everything you know about Norse history and mythology comes from a drunken conversation between Marvel screenwriters that you overheard while tripping on acid.
Asian character knows martial arts and speaks broken English. *sigh* Really?
There is much mead and mutton being consumed.
So to sum up so far, Eirick is a king or something, and he dies in a battle. Thor comes back and starts stealing Christian relics because he doesn’t like Jesus. Freyja turned Eirick into some kind of zombie warrior that can go to Hel for a horn that will make Thor go away if he blows it during the “blood eclipse.” Also they meet a martial artist. Thai, I think.
“Any man here who would be a Viking, come. Follow me. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?”
Wait, you can just become a Viking? It’s like a job?
That seems like a good idea. Put a bunch of volunteers who don’t know anything about sailing in a boat on a journey to fight Thor.
Please submit your resume and cover letter at the mead hall.
Valkaries need not apply.
Love the wig-maker for this movie, though.
“Any more men?” Well duh now a woman is going to show up.
I predict she kicks someone’s ass in the next scene.
She definitely should beat up the person who made that shirt. It’s Norway. When would a crop-top with tank sleeves be a good idea?
Oh she just bought the boat. The beatings have been postponed.
Seriously, they couldn’t have come up with a team of bitchin’ warrior ladies?
Ugh. Thor is a manspreader. Shocker.
Oh, I wish, Bomb Voyage. I’m sure there were some pretty badass Viqueens. No joke intended. But men wrote history, so…
Ben made his mead with orange blossom honey. Just in case you were wondering. It is delicious. A little sparkling. Very good.
Also, we think that Eirick and the lady end up together. Because of course.
If you say blood eclipse fast, it sounds like bloody clips. I don’t know what that would be but it sounds gross.
Silver-haired guy who hides his face is a shady character. Calling it now.
“I could smell the stench of a traitor amongst us.”
His voiceovers just sort of randomly show up when they can’t figure out how to tell the story without smacking you in the face with it.
But there is no way the shady-looking guy is also the traitor. The writer can’t be that bad.
Are you sure?
The set looks like a Macy’s holiday display.
They had a deal on Santaland, okay? No one was using it at night. Gosh.
Shouldn’t there be more blonds? We are in Scandinavia, right?
The Viqueen is definitely not dressed for this weather.
I’d post a screen capture, but they aren’t uploading properly.
Also the line of archers who clearly have no idea how to operate their bows.
Ben says the Craigslist post for this asked who wants to make $50 (shirt optional) and these were the vagabonds who showed up that day.
And why would you break a spear that was working?
I keep hearing Xena in the background. Am I just imagining that?
And OMG could we give the ONE woman a full shirt? It’s winter.
I guess since it’s Macy’s snow, it’s not a big deal.
I know why the caged wizard bargains.
Treebeard the earth wizard.
Time is against us, but let’s hang out by this raging bonfire.
So, the bearded wizard is shivering in his full clothes and robe, but lady (whose name we still don’t know?) just casually drapes her cape over her shoulders in a way that covers nothing.
According to IMDB, her name is Brynna. And she’s the ONLY WOMAN IN THIS MOVIE.
I’m pretty sure this movie is going to pass the Bechdel Test, though.
Wait for it …
And now she’s rubbing his chest down with Vicks vapo-rub.
“I don’t know if you’re the bravest man I’ve ever met or the biggest fool,” but I’m going to keep rubbing shit on you anyway.
Waterhorses? But not seahorses?
The horses were weird as shit.
“You will like this movie if you are five to eight years old.” From the reviews.
“It’s so bad you might give up watching movies altogether.”
Were you joking about the Bechdel test? Because I’m pretty sure it doesn’t pass. They have to have names. They have to have names.
And now he’s battling zombies in what looks like a laser tag room.
“What should we do to make this seem like a scary magical sea?”
“I dunno. How about some horses?”
“Like sea horses?”
“No dude. Horses. I found some stock footage of horses swimming. We can just put them around him and it will seem scary and magical.”
The fact that there’s only one woman with a name is only going to make it more impressive when this movie finally passes the Bechdel Test.
All of the horses were upside down. That’s what made it so weird.
It can’t pass if there’s only one woman with a name. That’s the whole point.
That’s pretty fucked up that you go all the way to Hel and meet your zombie dad only to have him tell you that you were adopted.
I feel like you’re really giving up on this Bechdel Test thing without giving this movie a fair trial.
Correction. There are more women. They’re painted gold and have no names and apparently LOVE Eirick.
They have no names, though.
See, right there. A whole mountain of golden women. Wait for it …
I think that “forever!” one was a dude in a wig, though.
He didn’t have to go very far into that pile of women to get the horn.
That sounds dirty.
Also, THEY HAVE TO HAVE NAMES THAT WE KNOW.
Ben asked if we thought that Mitt Romney would have been helped with the piles full of women instead…
I’m having a really good time baiting you on this Bechdel Test thing, though.
Silver-hair’s wig is too far forward. Someone should tell him.
And I’m going to ignore you from now on about the Bechdel test because it hurts me to my core.
What did that Craigslist ad for the pile of women look like, though?
Papier maché dragon! Woo hoo!
I’m pretty sure I saw a pair of human legs running under the dragon.
I’m at a loss for jokes. That’s the worst special effect I’ve ever seen.
Underwater = Eirick’s fortress of solitude.
Look out for the shrieking eels!
Yes, this is definitely the same set and water as The Princess Bride. I believe that’s the same boat, but with 20 years of rotting.
This blurry shape is the Hel hound or something.
That whole scene was like the reverse of the “Luke, I’m your father” speech. “Eirick, I am not your father.”
He should have had Maury tell him.
I wish I knew how to become impervious to cold like basically everyone in this movie.
Plot update. A bunch of things happened, there was some dialogue, and now Eirick has the horn.
Right? I mean, Eirick was just swimming in the arctic and he doesn’t even have a towel.
“It’s cool, we’re just drifting past some ice chunks. Nbd. I definitely don’t need a coat.” – Brynna
“They said I should blow the horn in the face of Thor, so…what should I do?”
You can’t have a Viking movie without an eye patch.
We drink mead in this hall, sir.
Ben and I are discussing the nuances of Vikings v. Raiders v. Pirates v. Marauders. And no, I don’t mean the sports teams.
You forgot Geats.
The dialect coach is winning! “Bye-zen-tine Empire.” Yep.
Ugh, it’s not “bye-zan-tine” you idiot.
Geats/Goths. Most of these names actually sound like they belong to Geats, not Vikings.
These don’t look like the Goths I know.
They do seem to contemplate death most of the time, however.
Less eyeshadow though.
Yes, but with a lot less eyeliner.
Forestbeard the elderberry can make fog!
He’s like Storm, but older and dustier.
Those bows are super inconvenient in narrow stairwells.
I love the helmets that cover the nose. No one’s going to punch that guy.
I’m going to light you on fire, and then beat the crap out of you.
I wonder if those helmets actually got a lot of use. I feel like they’d work really well for a few minutes, and then you’d be all cross-eyed and totally useless in battle.
Plus they’d be hard to wear glasses with.
“Don’t call me m’lady.”
How you know Eirick’s given up: he’s not secured with a lock, just some rope, but he can’t break out.
Wikipedia’s helmet entries are a goddamn rabbit hole.
It’s Norway, they just sailed past some glaciers, we’re in an open-air drafty castle, and they’re sweating like it’s New Orleans in July.
Forestbeard the elderberry is the betrayer! Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!
1:15 in and we haven’t even gotten to Thor.
Also, I think I understand why Forestbeard was in a cage.
Wait, how could he smell the druid before they even landed in the town where they found him?
Oh, it’s on. “I’m now wearing a bedsheet. Please let me clean your chest.”
“I’m here to give you what only a woman can.”
“I promised my heart to another. Years ago.”
So…Brynna is really Freya?
“I will save you yet again. Please try not to die anymore, okay?”
I’m weirded out by the fact that Freya is basically telling Eirick to get it on with that other woman.
“I brought you back to life so you could live.”
“Is it cool if I look in the mirror while we do it?”
“If you take me, I’m yours.”
“I’ll think about it.”…for about two seconds.
That’s his O face.
That’s his scared face.
He looks terrified.
There’s a German guy in charge of the army for some reason.
Because dialect coach.
Thor the manspreader on his clover throne.
I think the director was just like “Do you know how to do an accent? No, I don’t care what accent. Yeah, Lithuanian is fine. Whatever is cool. Just do it.”
One of the reviews I read compared Thor’s hair to the Wendy’s girl.
It’s like Ronald McDonald got a hair straightener and some steroids.
My photochop earlier was pretty accurate actually.
And a kilt.
Don’t you dare touch my Mjolnir.
“Put the hammer down.”
“Bad move, he really likes his hammer.”
I love how Thor was just lounging this whole time.
And you can tell we’re on a journey because the music with the drums tells us so.
“Put the hammer down.”
“Bad call, he really loves his hammer.”
The Instagram filters really do compensate for the bad lighting and set design.
I’m putting “army” in quotation marks because there are like 50 guys there.
I really hope we have a Guardians of the Galaxy-type dance-off here.
I love the yadda yadda yadda cuts during his going-to-battle speech.
Thor has at least 75 soldiers in his army.
I wonder how many people were “killed” and then got up to be killed again by someone else.
Wait, is the warrior lady Brynna or Freyha now?
I wonder how many people were “killed” only to get up and be killed again by someone else.
The Muay Thai warrior sure knows how to flourish angrily with a sword.
This movie would be better if there were a dance-off. Just sayin’.
And now the lady has a whip?
Worst way to die: by your own sword.
Who was the colorist on this movie? Ben says it’s close to Schindler’s List with the black/white/red; I say it’s like every M. Night Shymalan movie.
Son of Odin, hello!
Twist! Thor is Eirick’s dad! Whaaaaaaaat?!
This just took an Oedipal turn.
Aw man, it just got real. Their shirts came off.
Vikings can’t fight with shirts on.
“You have a sword, I have my hammer, but let’s forget all that and just wrassel.”
I’m pretty sure Mjolnir actually does make lightsaber noises.
Also, Ben pointed out that it’s kind of anti-Bechdel to have the ONE woman and the ONE minority character in every scene together. I have to agree.
It’s not anti-Bechdel. It’s advanced Bechdel.
Nooooooooooooo! They killed Brynna!
Haha, he just kicked Thor in the nuts.
Again, worst way to die: Killed by your own weapon.
And no, I don’t think “nuts” are Thor’s weapon.
I forgot that there was the weird Christian element to this.
Freyr is angry about Christianity.
Why is the blood eclipse like a hurricane?
Mental note: you can’t kill Thor with his own hammer.
Twist again! Forestbeard the elderberry didn’t actually betray Eirick. He switched the horn!
And now there’s a wormhole…
“I’m at peace. I have a glorious death.” -Brynna
The dead Vikings look pretty peaceful…wait…fire
Viking funerals are pretty awesome, actually.
Guardians of the Holy Relics =/= Guardians of the Galaxy
Well, that was awful. I mean, entertaining. But terrible. 2 out of 5 for me. Would have gotten more if it had approached passing the Bechdel test.
I’ll give it a 2. I had low expectations, and it pretty much met them, so there’s that.
I mean, there weren’t any women in the background. Where do these scriptwriters think people come from?
So, solidly 2. Yep.
But honestly, if you want to watch a bad Viking movie and be entertained, The 13th Warrior is a better choice. It has one of the dumbest plots I’ve ever seen, Antonio Banderas as an Arab warrior, and it’s still better than this travesty.
So, Viking Dumb, huh?
But kudos to the wigmaker.
Well, thanks for joining us, everyone! Tune in next week when we’ll be watching Surf Nazis Must Die. Not sure what we’ll pair it with, but check back soon! And hopefully there will be women talking to other women at some point.