Dear Ad Industry: Are You High?

Dear Ad Industry,

We are writing to you not to complain, but to inquire: what the fuck is going on over there?

It’s not that we don’t like your insane ads. Seriously, what could be better than Ricola’s rocket chair as represented not by CGI flames, but with very precise orange pom-pom streamers? We love that ad, but just an FYI: that chair is NEVER going to fly. NEVER. Have you considered the implications when we all find out we’re NOT about to have rocket chairs?

Or Target’s offering with exploding snowmen heads?

Why Target? Why must all the snowmen die?

Unless they are animated snowmen of the Dr. Who variety, we see no reason for killing snowmen with sonic waves.

Not to mention Ziploc’s ridiculously cute potty training advertisement that seems to be completely removed from the topic at hand.

Why is the child being represented by a Lemur? And how does this relate to Ziploc? Is it that the parents are keeping the star stickers in a Ziploc bag? There is no reason to keep the stars in Ziploc. The stars will not go stale if exposed to air.

I mean, sure, whatever floats your boat regarding organization. As one who stores things in all kinds of not storage related items,  we are not judging, we are just mystified as to why this ad is for Ziploc. It’s like someone was like – “Dude, I’ve got a cool concept” and then someone else was like “Bro, you should totally pitch that to Ziploc” and then Ziploc was like “Wait, how does that relate to us?” and the first guy was like, “It’s conceptual. You wouldn’t get it. You’re so old.” and Ziploc was like “No, we totally get it. That guy was just soooo out of touch. He’s gone now. We’re in.”

Seriously, Ad Men and Women, how did you ever talk these companies into airing these bizarre ads? You guys must be able to sell ice to the Eskimos. You talked Asus into using a tufted tit mouse to sell their tablet. A TUFTED TIT MOUSE. Which is apparently the coolest kind of bird?! He has a faux hawk! We don’t even have words.

What is going on here? What will be next? WHERE DOES THE MADNESS END?

For us, the straw on the camel’s back was Skeletor and He-Man working together to sell us Hondas. Complete with a rap. Don’t they know they are MORTAL ENEMIES? Skeletor is totally going to throw He-Man under the bus…oh no. Oh NO! Someone needs to warn He-Man!

Now you’ve done it Ad People. You’ve killed He-Man. What is wrong with you? First the snowmen and now He-Man. It’s like you don’t care who you hurt.

We get it. These ads are fantastic. They leave us thinking, wondering, bemused. We understand why you make them. But how do you convince a boardroom of execubots that this is the kind of insanity that will prompt people to buy their company’s next big doodad gadget thingamabob?

And so, we ask you, what the fuck is going on over there? Are you all high? Your industry has taken a turn towards total non-sequiturs. Where are the jingles, the cheesy mascots? HOW WILL WE KNOW WHAT TO BUY?

We strongly recommend that you write a memo. Stop creating confusing advertisments. No one’s grandparents know what to buy them anymore, leaving a total vacuum for Treasure Chest Pets.

Which we know are only useful for teenagers trying to hide drugs.

Are you trying to create a generation of drug addicts? Well, then, the answer is clear. Stop being entertaining and start patronizing to your audience like REAL ad people. Didn’t you learn anything in your business degree?

Yours Sincerely,

Bitter Empire