Yeah, that’s right, we’re only just getting to Season 14 of Project Runway, airing on Lifetime, Thursdays 9/8c. Well, whatever. This show has been running so long that even Heidi Klum can’t remember who’s won what season. Let’s start by meeting our
victims contestants. Well, not all of them because there are like eleventy billion of them. But some of them.
First up in our totally unscientific selection, crying white girl Amanda who got cut in Season 9. We have no idea if she’s talented but we’re already side-eyeing her for an upcoming dramatic meltdown.
After Amanda’s tearful introduction, the latest season of the flagship of classy reality teevee begins in earnest, leaving many of the contestants unnamed. Contestants are dropped into Madison Square Gardens, in which fabric has been deposited on random seats, and the contestants are set free to grab ALL THE FABRIC EVER MADE. Whatever you grab, you use in your outfit. It’s like the cornucopia from the Hunger Games.
Swapnil Shinde is shocked to see the contestants freak the fuck out, running about like headless chickens. We wonder how he’s going to survive the season since he’s obviously never watched this show. WAIT! Is India that much more genteel in their reality teevee? Swapnil won what is essentially the Indian version of this show, Lakmé Fashion House.
After the designers acquire some hella ugly fabric, we are able to witness the first Tim Gunn lecture: three of the designers apparently forgot to bring any supplies, like scissors, measuring tapes and what not. We feel this must be a total set up because surely this (1) isn’t the first time this has happened in 14 seasons, or (2) it is the first time and it is a deliberate ploy to cause controversy after “Project Runway: Team Edition” failed miserably.
Merline, one of the forgettors of all the stuff, makes sure to guarantee her relevancy in the process by pissing off all of the other contestants with her songbird-like signing, as well as needing to borrow someone else’s scissors throughout the episode.
During her discussion with Tim, Gunn looks like his brain might just blow a gasket. We’re not sure what irritated him most, that Merline had pretty much nothing done and was going to send a model down the runway naked, or that she repeatedly called the muslin “muslim.”
We forget every season what a harsh mistress Tim is in the early episodes, basically telling the designers that their work is crap and they could all go home tomorrow. The word “mumsy” may have been thrown around. By the end of the season he’s far more loving and diplomatic, we assume because he’s worked with the judges to weed out the most annoying of the nut jobs.
But at least Merline’s almost-garment looks like it might be something someone somewhere would wear. Her tablemate Kelly Dempsey created a dress that makes our eyes hurt. The dress pretty much looks like someone made a dress whose primary objective was to play a tic-tac-toe in the dark. Not to mention, what happened to the other boob? Also why is there a tiny skirt on your cocktail dress? Good choice to scrap it, Kelly.
And then, the fabulous runway show. Heidi claims it is a good first show, and remembering some of the trainwrecks of season’s past, she makes a good point. Check out some of this episode’s runway highlights:
Fine, so it’s not all of the runway. And, we know if you’re reading this recap 5 days after the original airing that all you actually want is to see what kind of trainwrecks happened. Well, we can help you with that.
The critique was pretty brutal, but actually, in comparison to Gunn’s earlier skewering of the contestants, the judges went pretty easy.Well, except for Duncan the New Zealand guy. Duncan’s meeting with Tim went pretty well, so apparently Duncan stopped doing any work.
The judges maybe called it a peach toga. Hint, it’s labelled E in the image above. Also it’s a peach toga.
Merline, in all her singing, forgetful, craziness made one of the judges favorite looks – a look that we saw literally nothing of during the workshop. You keep doing you, Merline. (Labelled O above)
Self proclaimed big girl Ashley Nell Tilson, who proclaimed herself a big girl like three times, made another of the judges favorite looks. And spoiler alert…Ashley won. Nice work, Ashley.
Apparently, peach togas are a step too far for Klum and the gang, because Duncan is unceremoniously dismissed, thereby concluding the first episode. We feel the urge to sing Another One Bites the Dust. Is that wrong?
Stay tuned next week as we try to figure out who’s who and which designer will have a straight up nervous breakdown.